Husband shoved teen daughter. Help me heal

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MarthaSo

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Hi. My husband has a short fuse where he gets agitated quickly. In the 20 years we’ve been married he’s never been violent to me or children at all!! But yesterday my 16 yr old wanted to spend ny eve at a friends he said no because we don’t know this family and he wanted us together. I agreed. She waited a bit and asked again and he became upset at her (he had resentment built up towards her over her consistent days of moodiness and sassing). Then, before i knew it he barged in her room and aggressively tried to take her phone. Because she held on to it for dear life they struggled until she fell on the floor! Then both of them started mouthing off until she felt bad at my hysterically trying to calm the situation with a 6 month pregnant belly and told him she wanted to hug me and when she tried to hug me he pushed passed her and she hit her head on the wall. (she’s ok but he must’ve known she was going to get hurt)but I saw him grab her face a few times and shout at her and call her a selfish brat and an idiot and it was horrible that I had no strength to push him away but i tried and hurt my finger as I followed them frantically trying to get them away from each other . After things calmed down my daughter cried and she apologized to him!!! I was so angry I told her let’s go to make sure her head is ok and we have to tell the truth even if he gets in trouble (i was still a bit hysterical) but she didn’t want to get him in trouble and cried no. Believe it or not my husband is a daily communicant who loves our faith and I am shocked. I can’t get passed him grabbing her head and face and shoving her around out of my mind ever.
I’m looking for any advice. Ofcourse I will be happy to answer questions but mostly i’m emotionally drained and would love some advice. He apologized to everyone and has been withdrawn all day. He’ll have to take anger management but how do I forgive this? I just keep seeing him (not hitting, punching or kicking which he adamently stated he would never do) but still behaving violently by grabbing her face a few times and shoving her around! I’m extremely stressed and worried about me and the baby’s blood pressure after this. Thank you to all, so much for listening.
 
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MarthaSo said:
He’ll have to take anger management but how do I forgive this?
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Forgiveness is just a decision. We make it every time we pray the Lord’s prayer.
MarthaSo said:
I just keep seeing him
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Healing from a traumatic event takes more time, but it is facilitated by forgiveness. Mentally bring Jesus into the painful scene, and ask Him to heal your family.

Get some therapy for all of you. Teens are hard, and conflict is normal. Family therapy will help find ways to navigate the storms without violence.

It is a lot more effective to have the teen’s phone disconnected as a consequence, rather than physically trying to remove it.

I will keep your family in prayer.
 
Your poor, poor daughter. You need to talk to her and make it clear to her that no matter her attitude, the way her father treated her and spoke to her was not acceptable and is not something she should ever tolerate.

At the very minimum, your husband needs anger management. Honestly if I were you, I would be asking him to leave the home for a while. His complete lack of control is just awful. I would also look at finding some therapy for your 16 year old. She tried to calm the situation and he escalated it tenfold.

I’m sorry for you and her, and your unborn baby. What a horrible, horrible thing to happen.
 
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Thank you. I will but I can guarantee he’ll not leave, unfortunately.
 
guanophore said:
Teens are hard, and conflict is normal.
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Amen to that. Let’s not get into the fights I witnessed as a teen in others’ families and even once or twice experienced in my own.

Even good people and good parents can lose patience and occasionally lose control. Family counseling can help.

I pray for your family too.
 
Your first priority is to protect yourself, your daughter, and your unborn child. I agree with @lou2u that your husband needs to leave for a while. Your daughter shouldn’t be growing up learning that this is a proper way for a man to act.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can direct you toward resources.

www.thehotline.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline

24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence so they can live their lives free of abuse.
www.thehotline.org www.thehotline.org
 
MarthaSo said:
Thank you. I will but I can guarantee he’ll not leave, unfortunately.
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Do you feel safe with him in the house? And would you like him to leave the house?
SuscipeMeDomine said:
Your first priority is to protect yourself, your daughter, and your unborn child. I agree with @lou2u that your husband needs to leave for a while. Your daughter shouldn’t be growing up learning that this is a proper way for a man to act.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline can direct you toward resources.

https://www.thehotline.org
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This. Please have a look at the link, Martha.

Sending hugs your way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
 
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If he’s quiet he’s probably mulling over the disparity between his faith and his behaviour and probably a little depressed that he succumbed to anger and responded to his buttons being pressed. I expect he is contrite.

I’d have a quiet and loving chat with him to give him a chance to express his regrets and present him with a chance to make up with you, and after a while with your daughter.

Love is usually the answer.
 
Thank you, I do feel safe actually with him at home as strange as that sounds. It seems like a one off bizarre experience that’s baffling.
 
Thank you Lee. One of the conflicting emotions I have is the kind, funny, faith filled person I’ve been with for 20 years who gets so excited to share his faith, is exemplar in other areas…and the downtrodden person who said sorry to us with such hurt. I just prayed to Jesus to please be with me and help me know what to do. And then I thought of you all here.
Thank you
 
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MarthaSo said:
In the 20 years we’ve been married he’s never been violent to me or children at all
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Then this is very unusual behavior. Maybe he should be seen by a Doctor and evaluated?
MarthaSo said:
It seems like a one off bizarre experience that’s baffling.
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He needs to be evaluated mentally and physically. Underlying health issues can change behavior and increase stress.
 
Stress can cause this, also fear. Apart from physical problems.

Christmas and New Year’s Eve is a stressful period.
And money problems to do with a growing family can cause fear.
And don’t underestimate the power of a over heated environment, perhaps the heating was up, or not enough exercise, being at home in a stuffy atmosphere is stressful too.
 
MarthaSo said:
Thank you, I do feel safe actually with him at home as strange as that sounds. It seems like a one off bizarre experience that’s baffling.
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I’m really glad you feel safe. Can you ask your daughter if she feels safe too? Reassure her that it’s okay however she feels and that it’s okay to be honest.

I agree with @Crucifer’s suggestion about getting him checked out by a doctor. He should talk to a therapist as well.
 
Our son just left for the military and we miss him but i’m reluctant to state that as i know it’s not an excuse.
 
I’m probably going to have an unpopular opinion here. As a teen girl, I got into some pretty heated arguments with my father at times. Not that physical violence is ever okay, but there is a line there where it perhaps wasn’t too bad and probably a fluke from her escalating the situation. I even question if her saying she wanted to give you a hug was a manipulative way to get out of the fight. She wanted her own way and wasn’t getting it. To hold onto her phone to that degree is partially her own fault if she got hurt. He probably lost his temper a bit pushing past her, but it doesn’t really sound like he intentionally slammed her into a wall.
 
Thank you. My daughter just entered the room i’m resting in, she said he apologized to her again, they hugged and he said he’s going to get her phone fixed. I’m glad they’re ok, but I still see him grabbing her face.
 
He surely didn’t intentionally do that and I noted all his shoves were controlled as strange as that sounds. I know what you mean and yes I agree, she was following him all over knowing her mom was screaming. I thank God for all of you guys and your perspectives . My biggest relief and blessing was little Matthew moving in my belly afterwards because I was afraid all that yelling would somehow hurt him. I really think you hit the nail on the head. God bless you and thank you
 
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