husband won't work

[iluvmybabies]

I agree as it relates to trying to make it such that a mom can be home with her children, especially in baby years. But, what do you say to posters like Paul, in this thread, who stay home with their kids, and their wives work? We need to look at the times we live in also, and if it is more financially feasible for a mom to work outside of the home, and the dad to stay at home–I don’t see this as hindering the growth of children. In fact, I have seen my fair share of kids who have stay at home moms, and they are brats, to say the least. I have seen working moms who have brats. I don’t think that just because a woman stays at home, that it guarantees more wel adjusted kids. A healthy marriage is flexible, and needs to adjust for the best for the family. If a man is not able to make enough money to support his family, and the wife is…there would need to be a role adjustment made.

It isn’t easy, and I know your post meant well, but it sort of makes it seem like men who stay at home with their kids, with the moms working outside of the home…that it’s not as good as the mom being at home all day.

I politely disagree…I was a stay at home mom, but know of posters on here, and friends and family that have decided it’s best for the dad to stay at home, and it works great.

Yes if the mother can make more money, SAHD is a great way…but the whole point is that she wanted to stay at home with her children I believe? The whole mother and child connection is something I couldn’t live without…you know? I hear what you are saying that sometimes mother’s staying at home doesn’t guarantee great kids or anything but it does help to know that at least there was someone at home to make sure the child was very well taken care of…It’s hard to put your child in someone else’s hands…We have lived it too close to home…A friend of mine’s mother-in-law, almost poisoned her own grandchild…she didn’t mean to she was a bit too old and wasn’t reasoning very well, she was an ill woman but she insisted in taking care of her grandchild…Another one, kept over feeding her grandchild, so much the baby became diabetic before he was 1 year old…and the other 2 she left starving…so much they became anemic 2 years later…where was the father in jail, went to a bar one night he and his wife fought got into a fight and was arrested, the mother-in-law blamed her for her son being in jail and punished her by almost killing her children…if she hadn’t decided to find out why her 2 oldest were always tired, and ill, take days off of work to investigate her children could have died in that woman’s hands…and the tiny tot? Still diabetic and over weight…I feel sorry for these women… I have another friend who’s baby was dropped, accidentally she was told, but suffered a tremendous injury to his head and spinal cord he’s paralized…I know that some accidents can happen to anyone, I mean really…when my mom worked and left my dad to babysit he would take us to the park and we would all be beat up by the time we would go home…example, imagine this scenario if it ever happened to anyone: imagine small children on the marry go-round, if one flew off because he spinned it too fast…a tiny tot was put on the swing without any help and he was too young to hold on and fell off the swing really high up…a little girl ended up falling off the monkey bars where her dad put her to take pics of her, and a younger child fell off the top of the slide, he slipped as he was climbing hang on to dear life and his dad was too late to catch him… I mean I know acccidents can happen…another example, my mom left me with my dad, all he had to do was watch me in the tub, she came back I was off the darn thing with my head busted open…what happened??? Oh she just jumped off!!! One time I was like 2 years old and my dad takes me to the park sits me on the swing and pushes it really hard, I flew off busted my nose and mouth… But when it’s by other’s hands it’s even more difficult to handle you know?! Especially when this woman that babisat my mom’s bf newborn, she shook that baby so much has mental problems now…I understand her point of view as well…

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes if the mother can make more money, SAHD is a great way…but the whole point is that she wanted to stay at home with her children I believe? The whole mother and child connection is something I couldn’t live without…you know? I hear what you are saying that sometimes mother’s staying at home doesn’t guarantee great kids or anything but it does help to know that at least there was someone at home to make sure the child was very well taken care of…It’s hard to put your child in someone else’s hands…We have lived it too close to home…A friend of mine’s mother-in-law, almost poisoned her own grandchild…she didn’t mean to she was a bit too old and wasn’t reasoning very well, she was an ill woman but she insisted in taking care of her grandchild…Another one, kept over feeding her grandchild, so much the baby became diabetic before he was 1 year old…and the other 2 she left starving…so much they became anemic 2 years later…where was the father in jail, went to a bar one night he and his wife fought got into a fight and was arrested, the mother-in-law blamed her for her son being in jail and punished her by almost killing her children…if she hadn’t decided to find out why her 2 oldest were always tired, and ill, take days off of work to investigate her children could have died in that woman’s hands…and the tiny tot? Still diabetic and over weight…I feel sorry for these women… I have another friend who’s baby was dropped, accidentally she was told, but suffered a tremendous injury to his head and spinal cord he’s paralized…I know that some accidents can happen to anyone, I mean really…when my mom worked and left my dad to babysit he would take us to the park and we would all be beat up by the time we would go home…example, imagine this scenario if it ever happened to anyone: imagine small children on the marry go-round, if one flew off because he spinned it too fast…a tiny tot was put on the swing without any help and he was too young to hold on and fell off the swing really high up…a little girl ended up falling off the monkey bars where her dad put her to take pics of her, and a younger child fell off the top of the slide, he slipped as he was climbing hang on to dear life and his dad was too late to catch him… I mean I know acccidents can happen…another example, my mom left me with my dad, all he had to do was watch me in the tub, she came back I was off the darn thing with my head busted open…what happened??? Oh she just jumped off!!! One time I was like 2 years old and my dad takes me to the park sits me on the swing and pushes it really hard, I flew off busted my nose and mouth… But when it’s by other’s hands it’s even more difficult to handle you know?! Especially when this woman that babisat my mom’s bf newborn, she shook that baby so much has mental problems now…I understand her point of view as well…

I totally understand. I stayed at home with our children, and for many of the reasons you name…and just because this was where God wanted me, and it was the right thing. (for us) I pray for the OP, that a viable and ideal solution helps their family.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I totally understand. I stayed at home with our children, and for many of the reasons you name…and just because this was where God wanted me, and it was the right thing. (for us) I pray for the OP, that a viable and ideal solution helps their family.

I hear you and God bless all those that have been able to stay at home whether dad’s or moms, and God bless all those parents and people that work to make sure their families are taken care of…I do hope God enlightens this family and helps them out…
It’s not about the luxuries, it’s about the ability to make enough to take care of your family without killing yourself 18 plus hours a day…I should know my father has a master’s degree but he works 16 hours a day to support the family as a laborer?!! Make sense? NOPE!! He works 4 hours away from home, so he’s barely home at all…he’s been doing this for what now 10+ years?! It’s no fun at all…but his excuse is and was “I dont have time to look for a company that will hire me!!!” So good enough my mother stays quiet…It was their choice so I can’t say anything about it…Even though he could be in an ac office working 8+10 hours a day sitting in his butt making 100 k a year, supporting my mother and grandmother better and having more time with my mom…and his grandchildren…I don’t know sounds better to me…than seeing my mom 2 days of the week?!

 

[Eliza10]

…There is never going to be a time when I am going to be a SAHM. I guess you’d have to know me in real life to completely see that. I love children very much, and I can’t wait to have some. However, I am very corporate driven, and I believe that is my calling.

You are entitled entirely to your view point. But, wow, I wonder how you can say that you will NEVER be a SAHM. Never, ever, really? Not for any period of time? As a Mom, from what I have experienced and what I have seen, I can’t help but think thats its possible that you will fall in love with your baby so much that you won’t want to be gone 9-10 hours a day from him/her. Maybe. But maybe you will attach less, and your husband will attach more, and you will be able to do it. I can certainly imagine how that can be done (although I haven’t seen it personally).

Also I don’t know if you have fully grasped the neediness of a tiny baby, including his attachment needs. When you do get pregnant I think you will like reading William and Martha Sears’ Pregnancy Book and Baby Book. Its most natural for baby to make his strong attachment to Mom, but the Sears explain how Dads can meet these needs. Its easier to not impede this beautiful bond when you are not gone at work all day, but the Sears’ give good helps for how to create a good bond even when Mom works.

My sister-in-law was very corporate-minded, an accountant for a top-ten accounting firm in a fancy high rise downtown of her city. My brother had the flexibility with his job and she hung in there workign fulltime, even pumping daily so she could breast feed even though her office was not set up for Moms at all - and good thing she had self-confidence because some of the women in the office were catty about this. She now does her career parttime though.

…I don’t really think being younger has anything to do with it. I think it is just a generation thing. People in their 20s [for the most part] are taught that it is completely and utterly equal. I think the culture is just changing. Men and women have the abilities to do anything. I’ve never been told by anyone that I can’t have something because I am a woman or that a man can’t be at home because he is a man. I find the whole idea that a mom should stay home just because she is a woman propesterous. Men can do the job just as well.

LOL, I think most of the time not. I do agree its not just age - I mention your age only in that you haven’t had a baby yet, and when you do, its a whole new worldview. I think the generational thing is right though - there is specific cultural teaching of this generation, as a result of a real push for cultural change, that does not want to acknowledge differences between men and woman, but they really are there. For example, we bear babies! And God designed us to attach to them, and He designed it so when we dettach from them, its very painful. We are just wired differently from men. So its more natural for us to stay home with our babies. Can a woman override her natrual attachment to her baby and leave him to go to work and enjoy her work? Yes. Can a man attach to his baby and take on being his primary caretaker? Of course. But I tend to think that doing thigs according to our nature producesbetter results as a rule. But there are always exceptions to the rule!

And also some woman are more like men as far as their drives and some men have more the softness of a woman. We are all different. I can concieve how reversal of roles might work for some. I just haven’t seen it in action personally. Only acted out on screen - but thats not real life.

Then again, it seems to be what Sarah Palin is doing.

 

[mesurman]

The OP said the husband doesn’t work. His choice. The wording in the original post is very telling of the situation. The husband needs to get his lazy A?? of the couch. When my wife and I were first married I worked two jobs 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. five days a week and sometimes six. Now that we have been married almost 25 years and have six children I still work 60 to 70 hours per week because she stays home and home schools the kids that are still home and she does a dang good job at running the house and the checkbook. It is my responsibility to sacrifice myself for my family. I go to work wether I am sick or not, wether it is hot or cold outside or raining (I work outside most of the time during daylight hours and in the office at night). The OP’s husband needs to get a job and some intestinal fortitude. I shall pray that the Holy Spirit comes upon him and wakes him up to his responsibilities and he starts fulfilling them and pronto. The OP should not have to place her kids in daycare.

 

[Eliza10]

Mesureman, I bet you have a happy wife and good kids - all six of them!

 

[whatevergirl]

If it works for you, mesurman–that is awesome, and you are both sacrificing, which is very inspiring. I just personally would miss my husband if I only saw him 1 or 2 days – if that – weekly. But, to each’s own, and my dad worked a lot of hours too…my husband did too when our kids were younger, and I stayed home…but, I remember missing him. I guess people deal with it in different ways. I remember my dh working crazy hours, long hours–and he was dead tired, and getting home at 11pm every night, takes a toll. I think you are noble to do this, but I don’t know how you and your wife make quality time for one another. I mean…do you sleep?

I agree that it’s good advice for the OP…but, I’m sure she has tried to encourage him to work more…so what else can she do? If he refuses? That is where she’s at with it all…not sure what other things could help change the situation?

 

[Eliza10]

ELIZA–I LOVE THAT BABY PIC. Awwww!! Absolutely beautiful baby!!

I can’t take credit really - found it on the net. I wish I could scan and post because I have some great ones of my son (including one with a gummy smile from that angle similar to what I posted).

When I was fairly newly married, we had plans for how we were going to “work on our careers” and save and get a house before children. Then we stumbled on the movie “Three Men and A Baby” at the theatre and those giant pics of the sweet baby did me in. I had no idea how much I wanted a baby till I watched that and tears would not stop streaming down my face.

When I told a church friend about it she gave me Beyond Feminism: Back to Reality to read by Mary Pride. Now I don’t reccommend all this woman stands for, but this is the book that was given to me that showed me a whole different way to see things. It made me sob. It made me realize how I had absorbed the philosphy of my culture-of-the-day, and had planned my life aronnd that. But what this author wrote of in fact represented the very deepest buried desires of my heart.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

 

[iluvmybabies]

The OP said the husband doesn’t work. His choice. The wording in the original post is very telling of the situation. The husband needs to get his lazy A?? of the couch. When my wife and I were first married I worked two jobs 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. five days a week and sometimes six. Now that we have been married almost 25 years and have six children I still work 60 to 70 hours per week because she stays home and home schools the kids that are still home and she does a dang good job at running the house and the checkbook. It is my responsibility to sacrifice myself for my family. I go to work wether I am sick or not, wether it is hot or cold outside or raining (I work outside most of the time during daylight hours and in the office at night). The OP’s husband needs to get a job and some intestinal fortitude. I shall pray that the Holy Spirit comes upon him and wakes him up to his responsibilities and he starts fulfilling them and pronto. The OP should not have to place her kids in daycare.

OMG do you have a twin brother!!! Ok I am sorry bad joke, but still, men like you are hard to find, GOD BLESS! Where the love for the family is there you know, your sacrifice to provide your loved ones with what they need etc, it’s a wonderful blessing! WOW! You are both indeed greatly blessed! It’s so great to know there is such a love still around…Now-a-days with men like my ex that forces you to work because he just doesn’t care about the children nor the family in whole is very difficult to deal with, while your child is calling this strange woman “mama” and you are just there like OMG that’s what he’s supposed to be saying to me!! Just leaves you out in the cold you know!!! Anyhow, thanks for sharing and God bless!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

I can’t take credit really - found it on the net. I wish I could scan and post because I have some great ones of my son (including one with a gummy smile from that angle similar to what I posted).

When I was fairly newly married, we had plans for how we were going to “work on our careers” and save and get a house before children. Then we stumbled on the movie “Three Men and A Baby” at the theatre and those giant pics of the sweet baby did me in. I had no idea how much I wanted a baby till I watched that and tears would not stop streaming down my face.

When I told a church friend about it she gave me Beyond Feminism: Back to Reality to read by Mary Pride. Now I don’t reccommend all this woman stands for, but this is the book that was given to me that showed me a whole different way to see things. It made me sob. It made me realize how I had absorbed the philosphy of my culture-of-the-day, and had planned my life aronnd that. But what this author wrote of in fact represented the very deepest buried desires of my heart.

http://www.vanillajoy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/sleepy-baby.jpg

I wouldn’t trade staying at home for anything…but, remember some women cannot, and they need our support. In the case of the OP’s husband…the communication sounds to have slid quite a bit. It doesn’t just sound like this is a job thing…but, it sounds like there is a myriad of issues. So…I’ll be praying for you Naomi that your husband becomes enlightened, and tries to strive to get a better job. Keep praying!!!

 

[mesurman]

If it works for you, mesurman–that is awesome, and you are both sacrificing, which is very inspiring. I just personally would miss my husband if I only saw him 1 or 2 days – if that – weekly. But, to each’s own, and my dad worked a lot of hours too…my husband did too when our kids were younger, and I stayed home…but, I remember missing him. I guess people deal with it in different ways. I remember my dh working crazy hours, long hours–and he was dead tired, and getting home at 11pm every night, takes a toll. I think you are noble to do this, but I don’t know how you and your wife make quality time for one another. I mean…do you sleep?

I agree that it’s good advice for the OP…but, I’m sure she has tried to encourage him to work more…so what else can she do? If he refuses? That is where she’s at with it all…not sure what other things could help change the situation?

I leave early and work (office attached to the house) usually see the kids before I leave the premises and am home for dinner everynight. My wife and I both make sacrifices for the sake of the family. Sleep? It is amazing how much your body can adapt to the circumstances. If the OP’s husband is refusing to work she should give him the ultimatum and then pray he gets the message. I grew up the son of a career marine and it was not easy and I did not like it… then, but now I have a work ethic that is almost unseen in today’s younger generation. My perspective is jaded. My wife grew up one of thirteen kids and her Dad was self employed and he was not around much but he was there when he could be and her Mom worked continuously and never complained, heck at 85 she still doesn’t complain about anything.

Back to the situation. The husband needs to get the message that he is acting like a bum and does not have the respect of other men, maybe that will get his lazy A?? off the couch and start acting like a Father and Husband should. The OP should hammer on him (in a loving and respectful way) to get moving and
be the man God wants him to be, his family NEEDS him to be.

OP, pray to St. Joseph, he never fails at assisting us men when help is asked for. I shall ask St. Joseph to intercede on your behalf.

 

[thenewmrssears]

You are entitled entirely to your view point. But, wow, I wonder how you can say that you will NEVER be a SAHM. Never, ever, really? Not for any period of time? As a Mom, from what I have experienced and what I have seen, I can’t help but think thats its possible that you will fall in love with your baby so much that you won’t want to be gone 9-10 hours a day from him/her. Maybe. But maybe you will attach less, and your husband will attach more, and you will be able to do it. I can certainly imagine how that can be done (although I haven’t seen it personally).

Also I don’t know if you have fully grasped the neediness of a tiny baby, including his attachment needs. When you do get pregnant I think you will like reading William and Martha Sears’ Pregnancy Book and Baby Book. Its most natural for baby to make his strong attachment to Mom, but the Sears explain how Dads can meet these needs. Its easier to not impede this beautiful bond when you are not gone at work all day, but the Sears’ give good helps for how to create a good bond even when Mom works.

My sister-in-law was very corporate-minded, an accountant for a top-ten accounting firm in a fancy high rise downtown of her city. My brother had the flexibility with his job and she hung in there workign fulltime, even pumping daily so she could breast feed even though her office was not set up for Moms at all - and good thing she had self-confidence because some of the women in the office were catty about this. She now does her career parttime though.

LOL, I think most of the time not. I do agree its not just age - I mention your age only in that you haven’t had a baby yet, and when you do, its a whole new worldview. I think the generational thing is right though - there is specific cultural teaching of this generation, as a result of a real push for cultural change, that does not want to acknowledge differences between men and woman, but they really are there. For example, we bear babies! And God designed us to attach to them, and He designed it so when we dettach from them, its very painful. We are just wired differently from men. So its more natural for us to stay home with our babies. Can a woman override her natrual attachment to her baby and leave him to go to work and enjoy her work? Yes. Can a man attach to his baby and take on being his primary caretaker? Of course. But I tend to think that doing thigs according to our nature producesbetter results as a rule. But there are always exceptions to the rule!

And also some woman are more like men as far as their drives and some men have more the softness of a woman. We are all different. I can concieve how reversal of roles might work for some. I just haven’t seen it in action personally. Only acted out on screen - but thats not real life.

Then again, it seems to be what Sarah Palin is doing.

I agree with you to an extent. However, you are making childraising assumptions: breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc, and these are not tactics used by every set of parents. We must remember that parenting varies from couple to couple.

No. I honestly cannot imagine staying home any longer than maternity leave. Maybe after we have our first child, you’ll be able to give me an “I told you so” . I work in a super competitive industry, and any time extended time off can be incredibly damaging to one’s career. Whether people agree with that type of work atmosphere is irrelevant.

I do believe a father can do just as well. Look at single fathers who raise absolutely wonderful children.

Like I’ve said, I think SAHMs have something special. I can’t imagine ever being in that role, and I admire each and every one of them.

I’m more of a Sarah Palin though. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I just think it still shocks the world sometimes.

To each their own. Every family just needs to do what is best for them so long as it doesn’t affect the well-being of their children.

 

[CatholicNerd]

I leave early and work (office attached to the house) usually see the kids before I leave the premises and am home for dinner everynight. My wife and I both make sacrifices for the sake of the family. Sleep? It is amazing how much your body can adapt to the circumstances. If the OP’s husband is refusing to work she should give him the ultimatum and then pray he gets the message. I grew up the son of a career marine and it was not easy and I did not like it… then, but now I have a work ethic that is almost unseen in today’s younger generation. My perspective is jaded. My wife grew up one of thirteen kids and her Dad was self employed and he was not around much but he was there when he could be and her Mom worked continuously and never complained, heck at 85 she still doesn’t complain about anything.

Back to the situation. The husband needs to get the message that he is acting like a bum and does not have the respect of other men, maybe that will get his lazy A?? off the couch and start acting like a Father and Husband should. The OP should hammer on him (in a loving and respectful way) to get moving and
be the man God wants him to be, his family NEEDS him to be.

OP, pray to St. Joseph, he never fails at assisting us men when help is asked for. I shall ask St. Joseph to intercede on your behalf.

The OP stated that he works long hours. I’d hardly call him a
“lazy A??” Maybe he’s misguided, but definitely not lazy. It’s great that you work hard for your family, but you have no right to jump on a man who is also working hard for his. I work my bum off for my family, and my primary job as a skilled musician pays well below the poverty line. Am I also a lazy A??

Naomi, is it possible for him to get into a graduate program at a local university or one of the accredited distance universities? It probably wouldn’t even have to be in the field of economics. Perhaps an MBA or something would be right up his alley.

 

[Eliza10]

I agree with you to an extent. However, you are making childraising assumptions: breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc, and these are not tactics used by every set of parents. We must remember that parenting varies from couple to couple. .

I think my sister-in-law felt she saved having to take time off from work by taking time at work to pump. Her son had fewer intestinal difficulties that can make a baby stay up all night, and fewer colds and flus- something else that will keep you up all night. Also many people feel the time spent attachment prenting makes the job of parenting much easier and more enjoyable. Thatr is why i am assuming those are things you would be considering. But those are decisions you haven’t had to make yet but when the time comes you will want to learn all the facts for an informed choice.

No. I honestly cannot imagine staying home any longer than maternity leave. Maybe after we have our first child, you’ll be able to give me an “I told you so” . .

I have no interest in I-told-you-so’s. But I’d be happy for you.

I work in a super competitive industry, and any time extended time off can be incredibly damaging to one’s career. Whether people agree with that type of work atmosphere is irrelevant…

Well you are not alone. So many young women have been encouraged and rewarded to go in super-competitive fields and get into huge college debt, too. It ties them to the need to return to high-paid/high-demand work immediately after a baby. They just won’t have a choice. I think its tough.

I do believe a father can do just as well. Look at single fathers who raise absolutely wonderful children. .

I can’t think of any. Only idealized movie or TV versions. But in my wide circle of the years, I cannot think of any who have done a wonderful job. But i can think of a few really bad examples! (Your husband doesn’t sound like he’d be one of those, though).

Like I’ve said, I think SAHMs have something special. I can’t imagine ever being in that role, and I admire each and every one of them. .

Me too. And some like luvmykids and others here have had some real obstacles. They aren’t the ones the world holds up but I admire them.

I’m more of a Sarah Palin though. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I just think it still shocks the world sometimes. .

Well, just the expereinced Moms. Sarah Palin I believe took haitus fom career and stayed home with her kids for quite some time before she went back to work. She has a large family now to surround her new baby, and a stay-at-home Dad too. So its a little different. But I do think many are curious about how she will juggle it all. I am.

To each their own. Every family just needs to do what is best for them so long as it doesn’t affect the well-being of their children .

I agree.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The OP stated that he works long hours. I’d hardly call him a
“lazy A??” Maybe he’s misguided, but definitely not lazy. It’s great that you work hard for your family, but you have no right to jump on a man who is also working hard for his. I work my bum off for my family, and my primary job as a skilled musician pays well below the poverty line. Am I also a lazy A??

Naomi, is it possible for him to get into a graduate program at a local university or one of the accredited distance universities? It probably wouldn’t even have to be in the field of economics. Perhaps an MBA or something would be right up his alley.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have written “he won’t work” perhaps she should have titled it “husband over works” I understand what she is saying and what that other husand is saying, and it’s because she wants her hubby to be more responsible over the children and spend more time with the family and be able to provide for them without having to over work themselves. While he could be making maybe double the money in a job that he might not be out of the home for soooo many hours is her necessity and he doesn’t want to do it…That’s what her need and problem is…Not to be able to actually have enough to get them out of their financial hardships because he doesn’t want to get up and do something else about it, something else that probably would guarantee them to having more without the need to over work…and that’s the point of view from that other husband as well…how he’s willing to sacrifice, get educated, etc so that his family doesn’t have to sacrifice, you know?!
No if you work hard doesn’t mean you are a lazy A?? but put yourself in this man’s shoes as well, and how much he has decided to sacrifice to give his wife and family what he can…And put yourself in this woman’s shoes and see her pain of having to live in welfare etc because they just don’t make enough and he’s not willing to something about it…That’s just it…
And as for you if you are sufficiently happy doing what you are doing then God bless and keep on doing it, I think the true happiness is that…do what you like and pleases you!!
I have a friend who’s a stay at home mom, educated woman and can make as much as her husband…he’s working 2 jobs to keep up with the family, as soon as she had her first baby she said she was going to stay at home and that he wasn’t going to disagree he agreed with her respected her decision and works very hard to make sure they have their nice house and all the comforts she wants…It was their sacrifice for each other, she raises their children, he gives her comfort…If she didn’t agree with it she would have gone back to work so he could be at home more often or asked him to do something else career wise to work less hours and get paid equal amounts or more…but she’s happy with their current situation…it gives her time to clean and keep up with the house and children…he gets home just in time for dinner to sleep and do it all over again…
But this other wife she wants him to be able to get them out of the situations they are in so definitely understand where she’s coming from…
I came from a relationship with my exhusand being the same way, and I wanted a little more…I wanted to be able to stay at home and my ex did not allow me to do so…it’s frustrating when your husband works 13 hour shifts and barely brings enough to pay the bills…

 

[whatevergirl]

This thread is starting to make me sad. In some posts, men are painted to be little more than human atm machines (might not be the intent, but that’s how it’s looking), and should be working round the clock if need be to support their wives…and in other posts…there is namecalling of the OP’s husband…etc. We don’t know the OP’s husband. We shouldn’t judge him – and put our assumptions onto others. Nor should we be judging women who work, and act like we know why women work, and they shouldn’t be working…and bla bla blaaaaaa…

To tell you the truth, women staying at home is mostly, an american thing. It is not what my grandparents did, and I’m sure many can attest to that. My mom’s side–they owned a farm, and had 8 kids. The kids when old enough, the mom and dad, all helped ‘man’ the farm. It wasn’t the dad’s sole responsibility. My grandparents on my dad’s side largely lived in Italy, and when they moved to America, they started a family business–and my grandma and grandfather worked together at the business, and the older children looked out for each other. They all grew up quite well adjusted, as I recall. Everyone helped, it seemed. There wasn’t this cookie cutter role mentality. I doubt women sat pointing the finger at other women helping on the farm, or in the family business. So, why is there so much finger pointing now?

I AGREE ABOUT WOMEN BEING HOME WITH THEIR KIDS BEFORE SCHOOL, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. But, it’s not always possible in some families. The OP’s husband shouldn’t be namecalled if he can’t provide with the one job he has. Sounds like he doesn’t want to challenge himself further, and there is a reason for that. The OP needs to get to the bottom of it, but it doesn’t sound like laziness. Sounds like fear. Fear of unknown and success.

I don’t get it. It just saddens me to see such judgements made towards the OP’s husband.

 

[iluvmybabies]

This thread is starting to make me sad. In some posts, men are painted to be little more than human atm machines (might not be the intent, but that’s how it’s looking), and should be working round the clock if need be to support their wives…and in other posts…there is namecalling of the OP’s husband…etc. We don’t know the OP’s husband. We shouldn’t judge him – and put our assumptions onto others. Nor should we be judging women who work, and act like we know why women work, and they shouldn’t be working…and bla bla blaaaaaa…

To tell you the truth, women staying at home is mostly, an american thing. It is not what my grandparents did, and I’m sure many can attest to that. My mom’s side–they owned a farm, and had 8 kids. The kids when old enough, the mom and dad, all helped ‘man’ the farm. It wasn’t the dad’s sole responsibility. My grandparents on my dad’s side largely lived in Italy, and when they moved to America, they started a family business–and my grandma and grandfather worked together at the business, and the older children looked out for each other. They all grew up quite well adjusted, as I recall. Everyone helped, it seemed. There wasn’t this cookie cutter role mentality. I doubt women sat pointing the finger at other women helping on the farm, or in the family business. So, why is there so much finger pointing now?

I AGREE ABOUT WOMEN BEING HOME WITH THEIR KIDS BEFORE SCHOOL, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE. But, it’s not always possible in some families. The OP’s husband shouldn’t be namecalled if he can’t provide with the one job he has. Sounds like he doesn’t want to challenge himself further, and there is a reason for that. The OP needs to get to the bottom of it, but it doesn’t sound like laziness. Sounds like fear. Fear of unknown and success.

I don’t get it. It just saddens me to see such judgements made towards the OP’s husband.

My grandparents both worked, my grandfather with the farm, my grandmother with the children…16 of them…Out of the 16 I believe there are only 10 or 12 left?! Something like that? One was ill as a child and passed away, another one was murdered, etc etc etc…This is on my father’s side…On my mother’s side, my grandmother did the same, my grandfather was on the farm and my grandmother tended the children, home, cooked the food that was needed etc…They are from central america…My great grandparents on my mother’s side the same thing…As soon as each child was old enough my great grandparents would make sure they tended the land as well, grew up to be responsible adults, then made sure they at least received some form of education even if it was graduating hs and that was it…My grandparents on my father’s side on the other hand, were wealthy, and they afforded the top and best schools for their children, my father, uncles, etc…But they made sure as soon as they were of school age that first was school and then after was the land…Then my grandmother decided to carry on a hobby, sewing etc, and made good money from her great gift…so she continued doing so…she said it was because she was bored after raising so many kids she was so used to being busy after they all moved out that she started working…my grandparents on the other side were wealthy as well but because my grandfather barely even graduated hs didn’t know how to manage money and ended up losing a lot of it trusting certain investors…didn’t matter he went right back to work, and made sure their children learned the land, and received an education as well…most of my aunts and uncles are professors etc…other work as farmers like my grandparent’s used to…and my grandmother she’s still around having someone else do her work in the land for her…she said she was never good at it, she rather do other things like take care of her grandchildren or great grandchildren than work on the land, but she still works on it… so for some it’s different than for others…
My bf is unable to be a SAHM, she wishes she could but she is a single mother so she is responsible for her son…
My other bf she is a SAHM and she loves it, her hubby works 2 jobs to make sure they live comfortably they have high standards, but that’s how they both like it, it’s their choice…
My mother was a SAHM, always stated “mother’s raise their children not strangers or other family members” that’s how I was raised, so she was very upset I couldn’t make my exhusband over work so I could stay at home with my children and I understand, it’s the way she was raised as well, until they were school age or of age to help out in the farm… To each his own…Perhaps it’s true that some people are name calling, which again judging is not for us but the whole idea of a man not trying to provide for a family that lives with welfare might be a bit upsetting for some father’s, husbands, wives, etc…They too have their opinions and for some of us who’ve been there and done that, we can understand why they would react that way to OP’s hubby…Maybe they don’t mean to but it’s come out wrong I guess…they just want the best for OP and her family…

 

[whatevergirl]

The OP says in her first post…‘I hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family…’ I’m not sure though if they are doing that, or she is just stating that she doesn’t wish to go that route. Hmmm…I’m not confused.

I’m dizzy from reading on here too much today . Suffice to say, each family must decide what is best for their household, and it’s not our place to judge.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The OP says in her first post…‘I hate welfare and borrowing from friends and family…’ I’m not sure though if they are doing that, or she is just stating that she doesn’t wish to go that route. Hmmm…I’m not confused.

I’m dizzy from reading on here too much today . Suffice to say, each family must decide what is best for their household, and it’s not our place to judge.

Yes you are right each family must decide for themselves but what happens when the decision discussion is ignored by the husband? As it seems in the OP’s issue? That’s why I think she came here to look for support in which I think many have stated their opinions etc…
I for one believe she really needs to speak with her hubby…or consult her priest or a counselor for more advice…
Maybe she isn’t on welfare and doesn’t want to go that route but it seems they are close to that route…and thus needed advice…

 

[whatevergirl]

hahahaha I meant to say…I’m NOW confused, not NOT confused. lol! That would take on an entirely different meaning.