Husband/Work - male responses encouraged

[EmBee]

Drew and I got married May 15th of this year. He just graduated college and is looking for a job as a pilot. He currently works as a flight instructor and picks up part-time hours flying with some of his corporate connections. Nothing provides a steady paycheck and the industry looks like it’ll be at least a year before he has hope of getting on with a regional airline. Financially, it’s fine that he hasn’t gotten his first big job yet, as we get along fine relying on my income.

Problem: I’m becoming resentful that he’s not contributing more towards our income. I want him to pick up a part-time job (non-aviation-related). He says he won’t consider getting a PT non-pilot job for another year.

Today I accidentally made a comment over lunch, something to the effect of “I’m glad I make money so you can watch videos all day” (he was talking about his plan to watch 5 episodes of House on hulu.com today). I know that was wrong to say, but I said it. I’m frustrated. I feel like the burden is only resting on me. Not only do I provide the main source of income, I also keep the house up, run errands, cook meals, etc. I’m also stressed about TTA getting pregnant. He’s a really upbeat, passionate guy and sometimes I misread his carefree attitude to mean that he doesn’t care about finding a real job. I know in my heart that he does stress about finding a job, but … it’s just so hard to come home to a man who’s sitting on the couch playing video games and who stays there all afternoon while I cook/clean. Sigh.

Anyway, is there any way to approach him without causing a scene? Or do I just suck it up and keep my feelings to myself? Any advice on how to keep the frustrations in without being passive aggressive ?

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[rpp]

Belated congratulations on your marriage.

I think a simple apology would be fine. If you do it with a humble and honest approach, it may be the start of a productive conversation on this topic.

It is important that you learn to express yourself when you have issues like this rather than hide them and let the resentment grow. Resentment is extraordinarily destructive in a marriage. Believe me that I understand this well as I am ashamed to admit that I have had two failed marriages (Of course, that was before I was Catholic.)

 

[cephas161619]

Belated congratulations on your marriage.

I think a simple apology would be fine. If you do it with a humble and honest approach, it may be the start of a productive conversation on this topic.

It is important that you learn to express yourself when you have issues like this rather than hide them and let the resentment grow. Resentment is extraordinarily destructive in a marriage. Believe me that I understand this well as I am ashamed to admit that I have had two failed marriages (Of course, that was before I was Catholic.)

Apology and discussion are definitely in order. I know that my joyful attitude can sometimes come across as heartless too. I try to lighten the situation for people sometimes, and it took me a while to realize that I first had to really let them know that I understood their situation. Your husband may be trying to help you by talking of light things and about relaxing, but until you communicate with him, both of you will simply grow apart. Open up to him and invite him to be open with you and your marriage will grow.

 

[PaulinVA]

I don’t think there’s any need for you to apologize for telling him the truth.

When one person in a marriage has a hiatus from work and is home a lot, the burden naturally falls on them to do most of the housework and cleaning and cooking and laundry. It just makes sense.

The question is how to bring this up and not be all Kate Gosselin about it.

 

[smallcat]

I agree, a simple apology should suffice for your earlier comment.

However, if he is at home for several hours a day more than you are due to his part-time work, I don’t understand why he isn’t doing more of the housework or, at the least, making dinner. I think it’s time for an honest discussion with him about that (if you haven’t already). If he’s the laid-back type, he may not even notice the grime building up in the shower or the dirty dishes in the sink. Let him know it frustrates you and you’d like his help!

 

[buffalo]

It is my view a real man would/should be working to support his family.

 

[EmBee]

I think a simple apology would be fine …Resentment is extraordinarily destructive in a marriage.

I have given a sincere apology. I absolutely understand that was the wrong way to communicate. I also know resentment is destructive in marriage (my parents divorced over 10 years ago and my mother is still resentful), which is why I’m looking for alternate ways to deal with my feelings.

Open up to him and invite him to be open with you and your marriage will grow.

How I wish this would happen! He prefers to ignore things that bother him (let them roll off his back) and focus on positive things. Do you have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to talk to me?

I don’t think there’s any need for you to apologize for telling him the truth.

When one person in a marriage has a hiatus from work and is home a lot, the burden naturally falls on them to do most of the housework and cleaning and cooking and laundry. It just makes sense.

The question is how to bring this up and not be all Kate Gosselin about it.

I initially thought it wasn’t my duty to apologize for making an observation; however, I feel like I went about it in a hurtful way and that wasn’t constructive. I agree that it makes sense for him to do more of the housework, and I would like to bring it up in a non-Kate type way … any ideas?

However, if he is at home for several hours a day more than you are due to his part-time work, I don’t understand why he isn’t doing more of the housework or, at the least, making dinner. I think it’s time for an honest discussion with him about that (if you haven’t already). If he’s the laid-back type, he may not even notice the grime building up in the shower or the dirty dishes in the sink. Let him know it frustrates you and you’d like his help!

He is the laid back type. He will do what I ask (if I am very specific: pick up the shoes in the living room and put them in your closet), but he doesn’t notice on his own. I often feel like I’m nagging him when I am this specific, but am trying to communicate more. I don’t know of a good way to bring up “can you help more around the house” without saying it outright, and my husband doesn’t always respond well to my directness.

It is my view a real man would/should be working to support his family.

This is my husband’s view, too, and has become mine throughout our engagement. I think that’s why he’s so sensitive to the fact that he’s not gotten a flying job yet. I’m trying to explain to him that he can support us with a non-flying job and get the flying job later but … I think he’s torn between his dream of a career and the reality of what working to support his family may be right now.

Thanks for the comments so far - any more suggestions?

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[EmBee]

Also, if it’s relevant, my husband is 22 and I’m 23.

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[buffalo]

This is my husband’s view, too, and has become mine throughout our engagement. I think that’s why he’s so sensitive to the fact that he’s not gotten a flying job yet. I’m trying to explain to him that he can support us with a non-flying job and get the flying job later but … I think he’s torn between his dream of a career and the reality of what working to support his family may be right now.

Thanks for the comments so far - any more suggestions?

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He can work sacking groceries if he has to until the flying job comes around. If it doesn’t materialize the earlier you get started in any career the faster you can start working up the ladder.

I have seen guys wait ten to twenty years waiting for their “dream” job and then at 40 years old are faced with entry level jobs.

 

[buffalo]

Thanks for the comments so far - any more suggestions?

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Develop mulitiple skill sets while you are young. Don’t pigeon-hole yourself.

If you have good skill sets a man will find work.

 

[ChristinaM]

He is the laid back type. He will do what I ask (if I am very specific: pick up the shoes in the living room and put them in your closet), but he doesn’t notice on his own. I often feel like I’m nagging him when I am this specific, but am trying to communicate more. I don’t know of a good way to bring up “can you help more around the house” without saying it outright, and my husband doesn’t always respond well to my directness.

My husband is also out of work right now and he’s the exact same way. I hate “giving orders” but there is no other way for me to get him to do things. I wish I had some helpful advice for you. I just have to chime in and say that guys have blinders on when it comes to messes around the house. I am not a neat freak by any means but my DH can tolerate living conditions that I consider to be pigsty-level. He is just not the kind that will take the initiative to clean up a sinkful of dirty dishes or vacuum the living room.

In my experience it is better to talk about expectations for housework before the fact…not when I notice dirty dishes in the living room and get mad because I have to clean them up! I simply cannot make myself sound sweet and loving when I am in that kind of a mood. Usually I discuss my expectations for the day before I go out the door in the morning. “Today I’d appreciate some help with x, y, and z.” Like I said, I’m still working on this too so looking forward to seeing others’ advice too!

 

[buffalo]

Love and Respect has some good advice on what to say and not to say.

Watch the Crazy Cycle Video

http://home.roadrunner.com/~annunciation/crazycycle.gif

 

[cephas161619]

I have given a sincere apology. I absolutely understand that was the wrong way to communicate. I also know resentment is destructive in marriage (my parents divorced over 10 years ago and my mother is still resentful), which is why I’m looking for alternate ways to deal with my feelings.

How I wish this would happen! He prefers to ignore things that bother him (let them roll off his back) and focus on positive things. Do you have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to talk to me?

It sounds like you are putting some serious effort into this. I want to encourage you to keep working at it. Most of all though, try not to fall into the temptation to nag him or otherwise lose charity. Know that he probably already feels a lot of pressure to ‘get a real job’ and may even feel like something of a failure for not having found one yet. Keep encouraging him, but don’t hide reality from him. He needs to grow up, but you can’t make him. It reminds me of all the people I’ve known who have chased the Broadway dream. Most waited tables for a while. A few years minimum. Sooner or later, they mostly realized that they weren’t going to get their dream job and moved on. Some went down a different career path. If you try to hammer into his head that he won’t get his dream job, he will definitely resent it. Who know? He might even get it. But you could continue (because I’d bet you already are!) encouraging him to explore other interests. I have a brother who is struggling to find his career path right now too. His first choice didn’t work out, and his second doesn’t seem to be faring a lot better… I wonder sometimes…

Prayers for you and your husband.

 

[EmBee]

In my experience it is better to talk about expectations for housework before the fact…not when I notice dirty dishes in the living room and get mad because I have to clean them up! **I simply cannot make myself sound sweet and loving when I am in that kind of a mood. **Usually I discuss my expectations for the day before I go out the door in the morning. “Today I’d appreciate some help with x, y, and z.” Like I said, I’m still working on this too so looking forward to seeing others’ advice too!

This was exceptionally helpful. Thank you, Christina!

Love and Respect has some good advice on what to say and not to say.

Watch the Crazy Cycle Video

Thank you, buffalo. I will definitely check out those links.

It sounds like you are putting some serious effort into this. I want to encourage you to keep working at it. Most of all though, try not to fall into the temptation to nag him or otherwise lose charity. Know that he probably already feels a lot of pressure to ‘get a real job’ and may even feel like something of a failure for not having found one yet. Keep encouraging him, but don’t hide reality from him. He needs to grow up, but you can’t make him…

Thanks for the encouragement, cephas! I am trying very hard to quit nagging - it’s an ugly habit. I have no, zip, zero doubts that my husband will break into the aviation industry. He’s qualified, ready and willing, there are just no jobs - right now. We’ll get there someday He often laments that he has no skills other than flying, which is of course not true. I’ll work on encouraging him and giving him compliments on his other abilities.

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[JimG]

It is my view a real man would/should be working to support his family.

This is my own view as well. I also think it is a mistake, especially when just out of college, to expect to find one’s dream job immediately. That can happen, but it is the exception, not the rule.

That being the case, the first goal of a husband should be to find A job, not THE job. People will go through many jobs in their lives. The job you start out with is not the one you will finish with.

 

[organdy]

I don’t think you owed him an apology.

If I were you, I’d talk to him about two options. First, the amount of housework needed to keep a couple of grownups fed and in a clean home with clean clothes is minimal - it’s not the equivalent of a part time job, but since he’s not working full time, I think he should either pick up a part time job or be responsible for the housework and shopping. It is entirely unreasonable for you to work full time and have to take care of all the “life” stuff when you get home while he works part-time and sits around all day. It is clearly unfair. Ask him if he thinks that’s fair, and if he does, why?

He should pick one of those options or be made to explain why he thinks you should be treated that way.

 

[rpp]

{snip}

He is the laid back type. He will do what I ask (if I am very specific: pick up the shoes in the living room and put them in your closet), but he doesn’t notice on his own. I often feel like I’m nagging him when I am this specific, but am trying to communicate more. I don’t know of a good way to bring up “can you help more around the house” without saying it outright, and my husband doesn’t always respond well to my directness.

{snip}

This is what I see. He is the laid back type and you may be a bit of a worrier. (Although, lack of employment is certainly worth worrying about!) In the same way that you want him to understand you, you need to understand him. As a man, I believe that, in general, women tend to be a bit better at understanding others than most men.

Here is something to consider. After getting a conversation going say to him straight up “I am not like you, I cannot let these types of things roll off my back. Please I want to talk about this so that we can understand each other better.”

Remind him that the differences between the two of you are because you are different. He must understand that. He is a pilot (so am I) so use a flying analogy. You cannot fly a Cessna 150 the same way you fly a twin-engine Piper Archer. Not only do they fly differently, you must stay current or your skills become rusty quickly. Also, a pilot often flys differently when he has passengers than when he is alone. In that same way, you are different than he and the two of you must have open an frequent conversations so that you are working together constructively. And he (and you) are going to have to make some compromises and perhaps change some behaviors to accommodate one another.

Once he gets it that he is going to need to be a little more comforting to you and perhaps even make some compromises in his thinking, that is a good first step. Likewise, you must understand at a deeper level that he is not a worrier and that while he may not express concern, that does not mean that he is not concerned.

Welcome to married life.

 

[dontknow]

I don’t see it as an apology but coming to terms with mutual understanding & setting expectations.

When I was out of work and all I did during that time was look for work - full time. I was fortunate enough to land something within 4 months - which I took because it provided some sort of income. I didn’t get a really good job after that (the one I wanted) until 2+ years later.

That’s just my personality type though. Unless it was determined that I was the official Stay At Home Dad - I’d work 4 part-time jobs if that’s what it took to take care to contribute to home life. Even if I was a SAHD, I’d still work something part time. Heck - enough to cover the monthly utility bills.

I think you need to work out expectations and goals - agreed by both. Taking shots out of frustration won’t go very far and accomplish much but coming to agreeable terms might.

 

[EmBee]

This is what I see. He is the laid back type and you may be a bit of a worrier. (Although, lack of employment is certainly worth worrying about!) In the same way that you want him to understand you, you need to understand him. As a man, I believe that, in general, women tend to be a bit better at understanding others than most men.

Here is something to consider. After getting a conversation going say to him straight up “I am not like you, I cannot let these types of things roll off my back. Please I want to talk about this so that we can understand each other better.”

Remind him that the differences between the two of you are because you are different. He must understand that. He is a pilot (so am I) so use a flying analogy. You cannot fly a Cessna 150 the same way you fly a twin-engine Piper Archer. Not only do they fly differently, you must stay current or your skills become rusty quickly. Also, a pilot often flys differently when he has passengers than when he is alone. In that same way, you are different than he and the two of you must have open an frequent conversations so that you are working together constructively. And he (and you) are going to have to make some compromises and perhaps change some behaviors to accommodate one another.

Once he gets it that he is going to need to be a little more comforting to you and perhaps even make some compromises in his thinking, that is a good first step. Likewise, you must understand at a deeper level that he is not a worrier and that while he may not express concern, that does not mean that he is not concerned.

Welcome to married life.

Ha, we could use some multi time right now, actually - you know someone with a twin Piper he could take for a spin? As a CFI he gets a lot of total time, but no multi yet since he’s not an MEI (although he’ll probably get certified in the next month so his CFI will automatically re-up). He’s way ahead of the game considering he just graduated college (1200 TT, 100+ multi/60 turbine) - so we have Part 135 mins and are willing to move, but can’t find anyone hiring! Frustrating enough as it is, but when he started college 4 years ago, his friends were getting jobs right after graduation … a lot of them have now been furloughed, but he didn’t see that coming 4 years ago.

Anyway, I am definitely a worrier who wants to talk about everything and he is quite the opposite. I need to remember that,exactly as you say, even if he doesn’t express his concern - that doesn’t mean he is not concerned. The plane analogy helped me (not a pilot!), so I bet it’ll help him too. I also get very emotional when we discuss serious things. I am working very hard to reign in the feelings, because once I get emotional I can’t be trusted to say anything objective.

Thanks for giving me more to think about,

 

[EmBee]

I think you need to work out expectations and goals - agreed by both. Taking shots out of frustration won’t go very far and accomplish much but coming to agreeable terms might.

I think this is a great idea. I feel like there’s so much to communicate about now that we’re married and I don’t know where to begin. If it overwhelms me (and I love talking), I can’t imagine how he feels!

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