Husband's addiction to pornography is devastating

[whm]

A boy who exposed to porn at 13 is a victim of sexual abuse in my book. It is not an excuse to sin, it is an extra cross to carry. The porn business knows the best way to get new costumers is to get at them at as early an age as possible. It is often an older brother, “friend” or father that either directly or indirectly introduces porn into a young person’s life.

 

[Castello]

Please, do not be devistated. This is his sin, it is his bad habit, if it were any other sin would you feel it reflected on you? Stay close to Jesus! Have you talked to your Pastor yet?

 

[kelvinf]

Dear OP,

I will challenge you (and others in a similar situation) to read these quotations I collected and rethink your decision as far as prudence permits.

We love the person complete with all his or her virtues and faults, and up to a point, independently of those virtues and in spite of those faults. The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other’s shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them.
Wojtyla, Karol (Bl. John Paul II), Love and Responsibility (San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press, 1993), p. 135.

We must never forget that only when love between human beings is put to the test can its true value be seen.
Wojtyla, Karol (Bl. John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, p. 134.

Thus the Lord’s words on forgiveness, the love that loves to the end, become a living reality. The parable of the merciless servant, which crowns the Lord’s teaching on ecclesial communion, ends with these words: “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” It is there, in fact, “in the depths of the heart,” that everything is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession.
Catholic Church, Catechism of the Catholic Church. 2nd ed. Vatican: Libreria Editrice Vaticana, CCC 2843, p. 750.

However, successful marriages are not the result of a lack of annoying qualities in the other; they are the result of choosing to love and forgive the other daily, with all his or her imperfections. It is the ability to sacrifice that holds marriages together, not the absence of nuisances.
Evert, Jason, If You Really Loved Me (Cincinnati, OH: Servant Books, 2008), p. 89.

Within marriage you will see strengths and weaknesses more clearly than ever before. Because of this there are inevitably going to be disappointments, but you should anticipate them with hope. When difficulties arise—and they will come—they will test and affirm your love. Marriage is not an endless whirling romance, and your marriage will suffer to the extent that you expect it to fit that fairy tale.
Evert, Jason, If You Really Loved Me, p. 79-80.

Successful marriages are not the result of finding the perfect person but of loving the imperfect person you have chosen to marry. Therefore, do not allow yourself to be discouraged when you discover faults and annoyances that you never recognized before.
Evert, Jason, If You Really Loved Me, p. 80.

We marry a person, not a project. We marry a human being, not an idealized image. Only when we let go of the idealized image and begin to accept and love our spouse will the deepest and most fulfilling kind of love appear. As a friend of mine once said, “I married her because I loved her. Now I love her because I married her.”
Evert, Jason, If You Really Loved Me, p. 80.

And as Mother Teresa said:

Love, to be real, it must cost—it must hurt—it must empty us of self.
Collopy, Michael, Works of Love Are Works of Peace (San Francisco, CA: Ignatius Press, 1996), p. 30.

 

[Pomme]

I agree with all of the quotes above,it still hurts though to not be loved that way in return(if you read these quotes to the porn addict,is he also choosing to love his wife’s imperfections when he goes back to watching better looking or hotter women?Is he also ready to forgive his wife’s angry or depressed words and reactions?I think both spouses need to read these quotes thinking of themselves,not just the one supposed to forgive the addiction.
The addict may feel disappointed to be asked to leave but he has to deal with this as much as she has to deal with his betrayal.He is not a victim here.Well, to save their love and the marriage they will communicate at some point,and let’s pray that it is soon and it goes well!

 

[Pomme]

Charity excuses and forgive everything.And God forgives so who are we to not forgive?

I think that some men would argue that chatting and texting somebody you don’t know is not like chatting or texting a REAL person.Just like getting aroused by nude hot women you dont know is not like getting aroused by a REAL person…All of these persons on the phone or on the videos are REALnly they are never going to be in a real relationship with the person who calls them or look at them.Phew thank goodness.
But again it IS adultery with real persons ,not the worse kind,but the next step is going to be having an affair or going to prostitutes so it is less upsetting than if it was THAT ,but it is definitely understandable for the OP to feel devastated .+people react differently and she needs space and time-hopefully not too long to not make it all worse ,and I think her husband should accept that and move on too.

Well first and foremost, I’m glad you see I wasn’t trying to ****diminish the seriousness.

Personally I think getting involved with other real people via texting, chatting or whatever else is far, far worse than viewing pornography. I don’t mean in terms of the graveness of the matter, I mean from a practical perspective. That’s when you’ve crossed over the line emotionally with another person.

In its wisdom, the Church duly notes in the Catechism that this kind of sin is habit-forming and since the OP’s husband has struggled with the issue since adolescence, the culpability is surely diminished. I can’t think of a circumstance where culpability is diminished when you’re talking (in person or over the internet) with other real people as opposed to viewing pictures or video.

Basically, my main point is that the problem here and with many other men lies not with their lack of satisfaction in their marriage or attraction to their wives or even their love of them! It lies with a genuine addiction that stemmed from their youth. Does that make it OK? Nope. But in my mind it makes it forgivable (as opposed to cheating with another person) provided that the man makes genuine efforts to combat it and seeks reconciliation if and when he falls.

 

[whm]

Well after re-reading the OP’s original post. It appears that the husband is seeking help and trying to stop. If this is the case, then OP, I think it may be appropriate to invite him back in the house. I would recommend meeting together with your priest first. (I assume your husband is a practicing Catholic like you) He has likely been scared straight for the moment, now the hard part will be not falling back into to the addiction. The good news here is that he agrees it is wrong and wants to stop! That is not always the case. I am aware of many men and women that have gotten control of this addiction (including me), it is always harder for those that live by themselves with no accountability partner. You could be the best help he has on not relapsing.

Some things you can do that will help

Moving the internet access to the bedroom or at least a open family area
Get an internet filter (especially if you have kids)
Stay away from immoral tv/radio shows and movies
Pray together every night before bed
Pray as a family
Make an effort to be with him from when the kids go to bed until you both go to sleep
Go to confession as a family regularly
Engage in fellowship with your parish community
Go to Eucharistic adoration
Realize that things can get better, and can get better faster than you may expect right now.

In fact these are all great things to do for every married couple.

 

[Pomme]

Quote:
We must never forget that only when love between human beings is put to the test can its true value be seen.
Wojtyla, Karol (Bl. John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, p. 134.
I really like this one,both spouses can benefit from meditating this.When the husband is put to the test through temptation-how hard that may be given the addiction-what is his choice going to be ?And when the wife is put to the test through her husband’s betrayal-how hard that may be given the adultery-what is her choice going to be?

 

[L_piperatus]

To my mind, a man watching pornography, as well as a woman dressing immodestly, are symmetrical sins.

The temptation to expose is more characteristic of women; the temptation to watch is more characteristic of men. A woman will react with depression, anger, and disgust when she discovers that her husband (or other man) is watching porn; a man will react with disgust, anger, and depression when he is forced into close quarters with a woman dressed immodestly (e.g. when he is in church to pray, and a woman dressed immodestly walks in and sits in front of him).

Both are sins against purity, but not the same thing as actually engaging in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. However, they can pave the way to the next step in the downfall from purity, i.e. actual sexual intercourse (fornication, adultery).

When a woman walks into a room (or into a church building) wearing a short skirt, deep cleavage, etc, she gets a kick out of the reactions she provokes, she does it in order to tempt, ensnare, humiliate, and wield power over other people. And that’s why men (at whom the snare and power play is directed) will react with disgust, anger, and depression. At this point, she did not engage in sexual intercourse with anyone, but she might actually succeed in arousing inordinate passions in someone, and follow up the opening temptation with flirting and sexual intercourse. Let’s just remember the current epidemy of 20-something and 30-something female school teachers preying on and actually having sexual intercourse with 13- and 14-year old school boys. Those cases start with the typical female sin, dressing to tempt, followed up with flirtation, ensnaring the young boy who is ill equipped to recognize the snare, and finally wielding power over the ensnared boy by having sexual intercourse with him and collecting him as a trophy.

With men, there are also various levels of sinning against purity, starting with watching pornographic material in a non-interactive manner in the privacy of one’s home. Some men will go further, interacting with lewd women through internet chat rooms and by visiting strip-tease clubs. Then, a certain number of men will go even further than that, and will actually hook up with women from adult internet chat clubs and strip-tease bars, and will have actual sexual intercourse with these women.

I would still differentiate though a woman who merely dresses immodestly from one who engages in sexual intercourse with middle school boys, and I would differentiate a man who merely looks at pornographic images in a magazine (or computer screen) from one who hooks up with women and has sexual intercourse with them.

 

[1inICXC]

To my mind, a man watching pornography, as well as a woman dressing immodestly, are symmetrical sins.

The temptation to expose is more characteristic of women; the temptation to watch is more characteristic of men. A woman will react with depression, anger, and disgust when she discovers that her husband (or other man) is watching porn; a man will react with disgust, anger, and depression when he is forced into close quarters with a woman dressed immodestly (e.g. when he is in church to pray, and a woman dressed immodestly walks in and sits in front of him).

Both are sins against purity, but not the same thing as actually engaging in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. However, they can pave the way to the next step in the downfall from purity, i.e. actual sexual intercourse (fornication, adultery).

When a woman walks into a room (or into a church building) wearing a short skirt, deep cleavage, etc, she gets a kick out of the reactions she provokes, she does it in order to tempt, ensnare, humiliate, and wield power over other people. And that’s why men (at whom the snare and power play is directed) will react with disgust, anger, and depression. At this point, she did not engage in sexual intercourse with anyone, but she might actually succeed in arousing inordinate passions in someone, and follow up the opening temptation with flirting and sexual intercourse. Let’s just remember the current epidemy of 20-something and 30-something female school teachers preying on and actually having sexual intercourse with 13- and 14-year old school boys. Those cases start with the typical female sin, dressing to tempt, followed up with flirtation, ensnaring the young boy who is ill equipped to recognize the snare, and finally wielding power over the ensnared boy by having sexual intercourse with him and collecting him as a trophy.

With men, there are also various levels of sinning against purity, starting with watching pornographic material in a non-interactive manner in the privacy of one’s home. Some men will go further, interacting with lewd women through internet chat rooms and by visiting strip-tease clubs. Then, a certain number of men will go even further than that, and will actually hook up with women from adult internet chat clubs and strip-tease bars, and will have actual sexual intercourse with these women.

I would still differentiate though a woman who merely dresses immodestly from one who engages in sexual intercourse with middle school boys, and I would differentiate a man who merely looks at pornographic images in a magazine (or computer screen) from one who hooks up with women and has sexual intercourse with them.

Interesting! I’ve NEVER, once seen a man come on here complaining about how betrayed he feels about his wife dressing immodestly. I have also neber come across a ruined married because the wife wore a miniskirt. Sorry, close but no cigar!

Dressing immodestly is not a sin IN the flesh as pornography is. It is not somethin g that plagues you for decades after you give it up. It is devaluing and it creates occasions to sin but simply cannot be equalled with the disatrous effects of pornography!

 

[stephe1987]

I am glad he is seeking help for his addiction. In our culture, many people don’t even realize they have a problem, that pornography is wrong (even from a scientific standpoint, pornography alters the front part of your brain and it takes about 18 months without pornography to restore your brain), or that there is such a thing as pornography addiction.

I also agree that it is best for him to be away from the kids. Someone I knew was addicted to pornography and it got so bad that he was looking at porn on the family computer at 8pm when the kids were still awake! He needs to be away so he can seek counseling and heal.

I also think you should try to get marital counseling. You do still love him, and things can work out, you are just at a difficult point in your marriage right now. Every marriage has its problems, and it’s sad to see that you are having to deal with this. I will pray for you…

 

[L_piperatus]

Interesting! I’ve NEVER, once seen a man come on here complaining about how betrayed he feels about his wife dressing immodestly. I have also neber come across a ruined married because the wife wore a miniskirt. Sorry, close but no cigar!

Dressing immodestly is not a sin IN the flesh as pornography is. It is not somethin g that plagues you for decades after you give it up. It is devaluing and it creates occasions to sin but simply cannot be equalled with the disatrous effects of pornography!

My primary goal was to show that there is a range of gravity of sins against the 6th commandment in both men and women. A man merely looking at images in a pornographic magazine will not necessarily have sexual intercourse with prostitutes; a woman merely dressing immodestly will not necessarily have sex with boys. But then again, some folks who allow the camel’s nose into the tent will soon wake up to the whole camel entering the tent. Ted Bundy the serial killer started out with pornographic magazines, and his porn addiction eventually took a dark turn where he felt the need to suffocate women as a way of getting some sort of pathological sexual satisfaction from watching his victims die.

Regarding whether immodest dress can seriously harm a marriage, I recall my own cousin who had an affair with a co-worker, and divorced her husband with whom she had a child. I don’t know all the details of how she got entangled with another man (who, by the way, also ended up divorcing his wife and leaving his children), but as a matter of fact my cousin used to dress immodestly sometimes and used to flirt with men to whom she was not married. Her imprudence, both in dress and flirtatious behavior, may have been instrumental in leading to her affair and the subsequent divorces that destroyed two families. And I haven’t even mentioned yet the havoc an immodestly dressed woman is wreaking on the minds of possibly dozens of innocent victims whose paths she crosses during the day, exposing them to inappropriate images. For a comparison, we know how Our Lady was dressed when she appeared at Guadalupe, Rue du Bac (Paris), La Salette, Lourdes, Fatima, Zeitoun, and elsewhere - and she never appeared in miniskirts and tank tops, with everything hanging out.

Yes, dressing immodestly is a sin of the flesh, in the same category as pornography. The person who dresses immodestly and creates public scandal may even be committing a worse sin than someone else who watches pornography privately and does not scandalize others.

Regarding your assertion that “It [immodest dress] is not something that plagues you for decades after you give it up”, yes in the case of my cousin she has to live with the consequences of her divorce that occurred more than a decade ago, and as I mentioned, her habit of dressing immodestly may have played a role. More directly, you also seem to ignore the long-term consequences an immodest dresser causes in the minds of her victims. How do you know the victims who have been exposed to inappropriate images won’t continue to be haunted and mentally tortured by those images of the person dressed immodestly, years and even decades later? This is like saying that a rapist won’t suffer for decades from the consequences of his own actions, while forgetting to take a look at the rapist’s victims, who will actually suffer mental anguish for years, and even decades, after the event.

 

[GraceDK]

Interesting! I’ve NEVER, once seen a man come on here complaining about how betrayed he feels about his wife dressing immodestly. I have also neber come across a ruined married because the wife wore a miniskirt. Sorry, close but no cigar!

Dressing immodestly is not a sin IN the flesh as pornography is. It is not somethin g that plagues you for decades after you give it up. It is devaluing and it creates occasions to sin but simply cannot be equalled with the disatrous effects of pornography!

Somebody needed to say that…
That other poster in every way out of line for comparing the two. I don’t know what is going on in his heart that he feels he can even compare such things.
Its the same nonsense as when some man likes to pretend that an erotic scene in a fiction-novel is as bad to read as it is to masturbate while watching real life people being totally degraded and objectified, while being done this and that bestial things to…
Men who think like that, sorry but I could not take them seriously, nor could such a man win my respect.

 

[Pomme]

I think it is fair to compare 2 sins:
The woman who dresses immodestly knowing it is immodest and doing it anyway is commiting a sin against the 6th commandment for sure.
The man who passes by such a woman and who takes pleasure on purpose in looking at her inappropriate parts is also committing a sin against the 6th commandment.
THOSE 2 SINS can be compared and we can say that it is the SAME thing,from a woman and a man’s different point of view.
But looking at pornography ,you have to admit,is further down the path to hell,it IS simply more serious.
A man looking at pornography is like a woman looking at pornography.Yes,pornography is more directed to a male audience,so the “products” are not as appealing for a female audience:but that is changing,apparently the “needs” of the female audience are more and more recognized and developped,there are more and more male porn stars to “satisfy” female viewers,AND the number oc female addicts is alarmingly growing as a result.
I would add that as a wife oc an addict,and somebody who likes sex,I find it harder and harder to tell myself I will never do that.I never did but from a natural point of view this is an experience that attracts me(both because I am curious and because my husband seems to have known more pleasure than me and I simply want the same)
Do you understand?
I have to remind myself that I love him and I remind myself why I dont want him to do it to me( but you understand that there will be a lack of motivation on my part if he still does it ),and my main motivation when I feel low is that I don’t want to go to hell .Very simple.
You compared 2 things that were not on the same level,both serious,but one way more serious than the other.
If my husband looks at a woman immodestly dressed on purpose,I will be upset.However if he is seeking porn,hiding and having orgasms I will be devastated.QUOTE=L piperatus;9044225]To my mind, a man watching pornography, as well as a woman dressing immodestly, are symmetrical sins.

The temptation to expose is more characteristic of women; the temptation to watch is more characteristic of men. A woman will react with depression, anger, and disgust when she discovers that her husband (or other man) is watching porn; a man will react with disgust, anger, and depression when he is forced into close quarters with a woman dressed immodestly (e.g. when he is in church to pray, and a woman dressed immodestly walks in and sits in front of him).

Both are sins against purity, but not the same thing as actually engaging in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex. However, they can pave the way to the next step in the downfall from purity, i.e. actual sexual intercourse (fornication, adultery).

When a woman walks into a room (or into a church building) wearing a short skirt, deep cleavage, etc, she gets a kick out of the reactions she provokes, she does it in order to tempt, ensnare, humiliate, and wield power over other people. And that’s why men (at whom the snare and power play is directed) will react with disgust, anger, and depression. At this point, she did not engage in sexual intercourse with anyone, but she might actually succeed in arousing inordinate passions in someone, and follow up the opening temptation with flirting and sexual intercourse. Let’s just remember the current epidemy of 20-something and 30-something female school teachers preying on and actually having sexual intercourse with 13- and 14-year old school boys. Those cases start with the typical female sin, dressing to tempt, followed up with flirtation, ensnaring the young boy who is ill equipped to recognize the snare, and finally wielding power over the ensnared boy by having sexual intercourse with him and collecting him as a trophy.

With men, there are also various levels of sinning against purity, starting with watching pornographic material in a non-interactive manner in the privacy of one’s home. Some men will go further, interacting with lewd women through internet chat rooms and by visiting strip-tease clubs. Then, a certain number of men will go even further than that, and will actually hook up with women from adult internet chat clubs and strip-tease bars, and will have actual sexual intercourse with these women.

I would still differentiate though a woman who merely dresses immodestly from one who engages in sexual intercourse with middle school boys, and I would differentiate a man who merely looks at pornographic images in a magazine (or computer screen) from one who hooks up with women and has sexual intercourse with them.

 

[PaulinVA]

1inICXC:

Dressing immodestly is not a sin IN the flesh as pornography is. It is not something that plagues you for decades after you give it up. It is devaluing and it creates occasions to sin but simply cannot be equaled with the disastrous effects of pornography!

I find this very interesting.

Dressing immodestly and leading other people into sin is a minor sin compared to, in the privacy of your home, becoming aroused by watching pixels arranged on a computer screen or ink arranged on a piece of paper?

If you are arguing which one is personal and which one isn’t, it’s the person dressing immodestly in public that is actually having the flesh-and-blood encounters.

I think some men, me included, do not understand the vehemence that some women have over this. Not asking for an explanation or trying to start a fight, I’m just stating my opinion.

 

[Pomme]

I find this very interesting.

Dressing immodestly and leading other people into sin is a minor sin compared to, in the privacy of your home, becoming aroused by watching pixels arranged on a computer screen or ink arranged on a piece of paper?

If you are arguing which one is personal and which one isn’t, it’s the person dressing immodestly in public that is actually having the flesh-and-blood encounters.

I think some men, me included, do not understand the vehemence that some women have over this. Not asking for an explanation or trying to start a fight, I’m just stating my opinion.

But would you agree though that a man watching pornography for males is like a woman watching pornography for females?
And that dressing immodestly on purpose for a woman is like entertaining lustful looks at such women for a man?These are serious sins too but it’s like the first steps.
Since the effects of pornography(from addiction ,to a lack of desire in real sex w your spouse,to a false sense of what sex is supposed to be,etc,etc) are so devastating,it seems to be more serious,no?
I think it’s too unfair to compare 2 things that are not as serious,I don’t think the OP would have asked her husband to leave if she saw him look at immodest women(although it could start fight),as a husband would not ask his wife to leave if she won’t cover her breast and legs(it could start a fight and resentment too but…)

 

[PaulinVA]

But would you agree though that a man watching pornography for males is like a woman watching pornography for females?

Yes.

And that dressing immodestly on purpose for a woman is like entertaining lustful looks at such women for a man?

No, one is passive (the man) and one is predatory (the woman)

Since the effects of pornography(from addiction ,to a lack of desire in real sex w your spouse, to a false sense of what sex is supposed to be,etc,etc) are so devastating, it seems to be more serious, no?

Both behaviors are misusing sex. Yes, an addiction can be all consuming.

I think it’s too unfair to compare 2 things that are not as serious,I don’t think the OP would have asked her husband to leave if she saw him look at immodest women(although it could start fight),as a husband would not ask his wife to leave if she won’t cover her breast and legs(it could start a fight and resentment too but…)

Well, that is the point. Her husband is engaging in private activity. The wife in this example is engaging in public activity, bringing shame upon herself and exposing her husband to embarrassment.

So, a wife kicks her husband out of the house because of his private activity that makes her feel bad. She would break up her marriage because of a private activity, an addiction, that he himself admits is wrong.

So much for in sickness and in health.

 

[Havard]

And that dressing immodestly on purpose for a woman is like entertaining lustful looks at such women for a man?

I think the opposite would be men dressing immodestly, wouldn’t it. I’ve had the misfortune of being around women who check out guys’ butts, arms, chests, and when apparent, (ew, tight jeans) their “bulges”.

 

[wendy_w]

Most Men I have seen looking at immodestly dressed Women don’t look to disgusted, angry or depressed. I think what this whole thing is boiling down to is that Men want to be able to look at anything they want without it being a sin or a problem for the wife.
Sorry guys it just doesn’t work that way. For the record I think some women need to
change the way they dress, we don’t have to show it all to be pretty. Just my opinion.

 

[The_Bucket]

Dressing immodestly and leading other people into sin is a minor sin compared to, in the privacy of your home, becoming aroused by watching pixels arranged on a computer screen or ink arranged on a piece of paper?

If you are arguing which one is personal and which one isn’t, it’s the person dressing immodestly in public that is actually having the flesh-and-blood encounters.

I think some men, me included, do not understand the vehemence that some women have over this. Not asking for an explanation or trying to start a fight, I’m just stating my opinion.

Paul I’ve gotta disagree with you here. I’m definitely not going to agree with anyone who equates viewing pornography to actual cheating, but both are grave matter. My biggest point of distinction is that there is no way to diminish culpability (except maybe extreme intoxication) when it comes to cheating on your spouse with another person be it physically or even over the phone or chatting/webcamming via the Internet. On the other hand, the habitual nature of pornography and all that comes with it is laid out in very direct terms in the Catechism itself:

2253 - To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

There is no such distinction for fornication or adultery. None whatsoever. This is not to say the matter isn’t grave, it is. But so is being a drug/alcohol/gambling addict. At a certain point, however, the person really and truly loses free will over what he is doing.

 

[Havard]

I think every marriage-seeking party needs to ask each other point blank about pornography before getting married. No matter how nice or upstanding your romantic interest may seem, never just assume he or she doesn’t have a porn problem. It’s an epidemic, and even the most innocent, loving people have fallen to it.

By the way, I really do mean to direct this to both men and women. At least one of the women I’ve dated in recent years was addicted to pornography. It’s not just a male problem, studies are showing more and more women are falling to it.