Husband's addiction to pornography is devastating

[wendy_w]

I think every marriage-seeking party needs to ask each other point blank about pornography before getting married. No matter how nice or upstanding your romantic interest may seem, never just assume he or she doesn’t have a porn problem. It’s an epidemic, and even the most innocent, loving people have fallen to it.

By the way, I really do mean to direct this to both men and women. At least one of the women I’ve dated in recent years was addicted to pornography. It’s not just a male problem, studies are showing more and more women are falling to it.

Havard you make a great point it is a question people should ask each other before marriage. And all the studies show that it is becoming a problem for women too.
So why even put yourself in danger of this sin? I believe it is the sin of pride, we want to believe that we are above becoming addicted, so we just do what feels good for the moment. I believe that is why God gave us the 10 commandents He knows whats best for us. When I follow the way God wants me to go I don’t have regrets. My own desires on the other hand have lead me to great regret.

 

[Havard]

Havard you make a great point it is a question people should ask each other before marriage. And all the studies show that it is becoming a problem for women too.
So why even put yourself in danger of this sin? I believe it is the sin of pride, we want to believe that we are above becoming addicted, so we just do what feels good for the moment. I believe that is why God gave us the 10 commandents He knows what best for us. When I follow the way God whats me to go I don’t have regrets. My own desires on the other hand have lead me to great regret.

Well, I think there’s also an element of education. There’s plenty of resources telling kids about the negative effects of drugs, what they don’t know is that porn use pretty much IS drug use!!!

Check this out:

A ‘paradoxical effect’ is created whereby with each new thrill, or ‘dopamine spike’, the brain loses its ability to respond to dopamine signals, meaning that porn-users demand increasingly extreme experiences to become sexually aroused.

‘Erotic words, pictures, and videos have been around a long while, but the Internet makes possible a never-ending stream of dopamine spikes,’ said Marnia Robinson, the author of the report.

'Today’s users can force its release by watching porn in multiple windows, searching endlessly, fast-forwarding to the bits they find hottest, switching to live sex chat, viewing constant novelty, firing up their mirror neurons with video action and cam-2-cam, or escalating to extreme genres and anxiety-producing material. ‘It’s all free, easy to access, available within seconds, 24 hours a day, seven days a week,’ she said.

But she added: ‘In some porn users, the response to dopamine is dropping so low that they can’t achieve an erection without constant hits of dopamine via the internet.’ Many were initially shocked, she said, when they discovered their sensitivity was declining ‘toward normal sex’.

from this article

 

[L_piperatus]

Here’s something I don’t understand: how is it that some people think assaulting innocent victims through a behavior of going into public places dressed immodestly is less of a sin than doing strip-tease inside a sequestered, creepy-looking building painted in violet that doesn’t even have windows and goes out of its way to protect innocent unwilling people from being exposed to what’s going on inside of that building? I for one have more respect for the behavior of the “adult entertainer” working at Pink Pussycat Club than for that of the woman who comes into church with all hanging out, because the Pink Pussycat Club lady at least has the decency not to assault unsuspecting 12-year old altar boys who came to meet with the Lord, in the Lord’s House, by showing up dressed immodestly and pushing the sight of her body parts, all hanging out, into that boy’s face.

 

[Pomme]

I think the opposite would be men dressing immodestly, wouldn’t it. I’ve had the misfortune of being around women who check out guys’ butts, arms, chests, and when apparent, (ew, tight jeans) their “bulges”.

Yes,absolutely.I was trying to compare things of same seriousness ,and since men and women are different(so very different from what some men seem to think here) I thought it would be better to compare things men seem to do all the time with things women do all the time.
With pornography,it’s easy to compare since women are doing it more and more,I think no husband who stays pure for the love of God and his wife would feel like “poor thing she has an addiction”,if he finds out she has been lusting after better looking and more satisfying men and masturbating and hiding it too for years(sometimes decades!)I honestly think there would be a hudge storm in his soul,he would have to forgive yes but a reaction is expected.
I agree that pornography should be discussed nowadays in marriage preparation,and fidelity in general.
My priest told me pornography IS adultery in the heart-for those who have doubts about that,so this is why a spouse feels so betrayed in the heart-it is normal,not overeacting.But he also told me to be patient and forgiving because of the addiction now that we are at that point(he meant there will be relapses-which I am scared of,because when my jealousy is triggered like that it’s chaos in my soul although I do forgive).
About the spouse of the OP being kicked out,I hope he can come back soon but lets see it on a brighter side:yes people will know something is wrong in the marriage obviously(not necessarily what),but that way the spouses will not feel like living a lie(which is v hard and unhealthy for the spouse when you chose to deal w it “secretly”),and the husband will see his purgatory reduced since he had some on earth already!
I personnally tell myself that all this betrayal and pain are what I deserve for my own sins and it gives me a very small taste of what Jesus felt like(having to endure this terrible death for all these unfaithful ungrateful people like me who will betray him).

 

[wendy_w]

Here’s something I don’t understand: how is it that some people think assaulting innocent victims through a behavior of going into public places dressed immodestly is less of a sin than doing strip-tease inside a sequestered, creepy-looking building painted in violet that doesn’t even have windows and goes out of its way to protect innocent unwilling people from being exposed to what’s going on inside of that building? I for one have more respect for the behavior of the “adult entertainer” working at Pink Pussycat Club than for that of the woman who comes into church with all hanging out, because the Pink Pussycat Club lady at least has the decency not to assault unsuspecting 12-year old altar boys who came to meet with the Lord, in the Lord’s House, by showing up dressed immodestly and pushing the sight of her body parts, all hanging out, into that boy’s face.

I don’t think it’s different and I think women should dress more modest. The stripper is not innocent she is provoking lust in her customers for money. It’s unfortunate that the times we live in make young girls believe they are only valued for how they look. The main stream media shows men like women who dress and act trashy. The break down of the family is to blame. Both boys and girls need strong and healthy mothers and fathers. We as parents need to work on overcoming our addictions so we can take care of our families.

 

[wendy_w]

Well, I think there’s also an element of education. There’s plenty of resources telling kids about the negative effects of drugs, what they don’t know is that porn use pretty much IS drug use!!!

Check this out:

from this article

You are right we do need to educate people. But with sex being a taboo I doubt parents are going to want teachers etc. teaching this. Parents need to open up about this with age approiate talks. The problem is alot of adults don’t think this is wrong.

 

[Pomme]

Here’s something I don’t understand: how is it that some people think assaulting innocent victims through a behavior of going into public places dressed immodestly is less of a sin than doing strip-tease inside a sequestered, creepy-looking building painted in violet that doesn’t even have windows and goes out of its way to protect innocent unwilling people from being exposed to what’s going on inside of that building? I for one have more respect for the behavior of the “adult entertainer” working at Pink Pussycat Club than for that of the woman who comes into church with all hanging out, because the Pink Pussycat Club lady at least has the decency not to assault unsuspecting 12-year old altar boys who came to meet with the Lord, in the Lord’s House, by showing up dressed immodestly and pushing the sight of her body parts, all hanging out, into that boy’s face.

I don’t agree w women dressing immodestly at all,but please,nobody comes to church with the SAME attire as those women in the Pink PussyCat Club,let’s be fair…Stri-tease is really the worst kind of immodesty-please!!
These sins will all make us go to hell but all of these sins do not have the same consequences depending on the seriousness.For instance going to a strip-tease will affect a marriage much more than watching pornography which will affect the marriage much more than dressing immodestly(like showing some inappropriate parts but NOT like the girl in the Pink PussyCat Club,of course.)

 

[Havard]

Yes,absolutely.I was trying to compare things of same seriousness ,and since men and women are different(so very different from what some men seem to think here) I thought it would be better to compare things men seem to do all the time with things women do all the time.
With pornography,it’s easy to compare since women are doing it more and more,I think no husband who stays pure for the love of God and his wife would feel like “poor thing she has an addiction”,if he finds out she has been lusting after better looking and more satisfying men and masturbating and hiding it too for years(sometimes decades!)I honestly think there would be a hudge storm in his soul,he would have to forgive yes but a reaction is expected.
I agree that pornography should be discussed nowadays in marriage preparation,and fidelity in general.
My priest told me pornography IS adultery in the heart-for those who have doubts about that,so this is why a spouse feels so betrayed in the heart-it is normal,not overeacting.But he also told me to be patient and forgiving because of the addiction now that we are at that point(he meant there will be relapses-which I am scared of,because when my jealousy is triggered like that it’s chaos in my soul although I do forgive).
About the spouse of the OP being kicked out,I hope he can come back soon but lets see it on a brighter side:yes people will know something is wrong in the marriage obviously(not necessarily what),but that way the spouses will not feel like living a lie(which is v hard and unhealthy for the spouse when you chose to deal w it “secretly”),and the husband will see his purgatory reduced since he had some on earth already!
I personnally tell myself that all this betrayal and pain are what I deserve for my own sins and it gives me a very small taste of what Jesus felt like(having to endure this terrible death for all these unfaithful ungrateful people like me who will betray him).

Well I think a lot of my reaction would be based upon what she says. (She being my hypothetical future wife.)

If she says, “I hate this. I hate it about myself, I want to stop, but I don’t know how. I have only loved you.” and she really seems sincere, then I would look at it more like an addiction than a love affair. But if she defends it, saying “Don’t judge me. You didn’t give me what I needed so I sought it elsewhere.” then yes, absolutely yes, would I view it as a betrayal.

There is a big difference between the two.

 

[Pomme]

Well I think a lot of my reaction would be based upon what she says. (She being my hypothetical future wife.)

If she says, “I hate this. I hate it about myself, I want to stop, but I don’t know how. I have only loved you.” and she really seems sincere, then I would look at it more like an addiction than a love affair. But if she defends it, saying “Don’t judge me. You didn’t give me what I needed so I sought it elsewhere.” then yes, absolutely yes, would I view it as a betrayal.

There is a big difference between the two.

There is a difference in what she would say,but when we sin(not only against 6th commandment),we are partially blind and we have a tendency to make ourselves partially blind.
We don’t necessarily want to hurt the people we love but we do it anyway out of selfishness.No loving porn addict wife could say something as terrible as “you didn’t give me what I needed so I sought it elsewhere”,it would just add to her own suffering to
recognize that and add to the suffering of the spouse to hear that!
Another porn addict wife with more issues or anger and desire to hurt would say even worse things,and that would definitely not help towards reconciliation.

But it is natural and much more comfortable to think that we do terrible things because we can’t help it,not because we want it.

The addiction came through repeated acts of the will -it becomes a punishment in itself
when you find it almost impossible to stop.But given that we are NEVER tempted above
our strength (God always send sufficient help),then it is still a choice to carry on.

So my point is words are one thing,actions another,and you need both in a relationship.
The best is when both spouse recognize what they’ve done wrong and they both help each other recover from any crisis.

 

[familylove]

dear irishluck09,
I completely get where you are coming from… when you think you knew who you married and give all of your heart and everything you have to that person… all to find out that they perhaps are not who you thought they were. I think first and foremost that in order to find peace with this overwhelming ordeal, you must first choose to forgive. It may sound crazy, but when we forgive someone we can at that point clear our heads and move forward. Sometimes if we keep re-reading the old chapter, we never will move on to read the next. Let go and let God give you strength and wisdom and trust that he is with you always. Sometimes it may not seem that he is there but its only because ypu may not realize the ways in which he’s helping (i.e. your child hugs you or you hear your favourite song on the radio) … we need to pay attention to signs around us and soon things will start to fall into place. think of your husbands addiction as a sickness which although you detest, you must try to help him get well… if it were Jesus who was sick, you would want to help him get well? … obstacles are not our choice but I have no doubt that you will be able to move past this and keep your family together… you seem like a nice smart and faithful person and you have valid reasons for being upset… our priest at our church is a smart man who once told us of all the ways the devil can come into our homes without us even knowing it… i.e. computer internet, tv, magazines… perhaps cut off the internet and tv for a while (i know its extreme) but maybe introduce things for the family to do… sometimes fresh changes are good… but don’t give up on your family just yet… you are a good woman and no doubtedly a great mom and wife and you are most importantly strong and you can do anything, even if you are working, taking care of kids etc… you can do it! plus look at all of us strangers who will be praying for you and supporting you! Keep your love and keep your faith, God created you for so much more and does not want you to suffer!

 

[kelvinf]

Paul I’ve gotta disagree with you here. I’m definitely not going to agree with anyone who equates viewing pornography to actual cheating, but both are grave matter. My biggest point of distinction is that there is no way to diminish culpability (except maybe extreme intoxication) when it comes to cheating on your spouse with another person be it physically or even over the phone or chatting/webcamming via the Internet. On the other hand, the habitual nature of pornography and all that comes with it is laid out in very direct terms in the Catechism itself:

2253 - To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability

I believe you meant CCC 2352. I am pointing this out because that is specifically under masturbation and not pornography.

 

[kelvinf]

I think every marriage-seeking party needs to ask each other point blank about pornography before getting married. No matter how nice or upstanding your romantic interest may seem, never just assume he or she doesn’t have a porn problem. It’s an epidemic, and even the most innocent, loving people have fallen to it.

By the way, I really do mean to direct this to both men and women. At least one of the women I’ve dated in recent years was addicted to pornography. It’s not just a male problem, studies are showing more and more women are falling to it.

I agree with this 100%. Before I get marry to any girl, I will definitely tell her about my issues. Nothing in the domain of chastity surprises me anymore. So I don’t hold idealised images of any girl. Not even a supposedly Miss Perfect or Holiest of Holy. No way.

Unfortunately most people usually join CAF only after they start having issues.

I’m currently not thinking of marriage at my age but I have really, really learned a lot about marriage here.

 

[Musician]

I understand that your husband’s porn viewing is devastating, but I sure wouldn’t give up on my husband. And I certainly wouldn’t make him move out. That sounds a little extreme.

 

[Havard]

Unfortunately most people usually join CAF only after they start having issues.

You are so right.

I hope to introduce my hypothetical future fiancee to CAF, so we can talk about most of these issues as part of our marriage prep. After years of following the Family Life section, I’m convinced that pre-Cana classes are far from comprehensive.

 

[whm]

I don’t think it’s different and I think women should dress more modest. The stripper is not innocent she is provoking lust in her customers for money. It’s unfortunate that the times we live in make young girls believe they are only valued for how they look. The main stream media shows men like women who dress and act trashy. The break down of the family is to blame. Both boys and girls need strong and healthy mothers and fathers. We as parents need to work on overcoming our addictions so we can take care of our families.

All of these breakdowns in morality have a common root in the wide acceptance of artificial birth control. Once sex was separated from its primary purpose, procreation, it opened the door to acceptance of divorce, abortion, pornography, immodest dress, pre marital sex and on down the line.

 

[wendy_w]

All of these breakdowns in morality have a common root in the wide acceptance of artificial birth control. Once sex was separated from its primary purpose, procreation, it opened the door to acceptance of divorce, abortion, pornography, immodest dress, pre marital sex and on down the line.

 

[L_piperatus]

Is it worth breaking up your marriage over this? Is this man a worthy husband and father except for this problem? While he is working on this issue, can the family stay intact? Is this really worth a lifetime as a single parent?

If I cannot trust him, unfortunately, yes. But, I am in no place to make decisions right now. I need to worry about myself and getting myself to a healthy place. THis takes a horrible toll on every part of who you are.

Irishluck, the part I highlighted in your post made me recall the Canon Law. You might have a valid Canon Law basis to ask annulment of your marriage, if you entered the marriage maliciously deceived on some important issue (in this case, a pre-existing condition of porn addiction) that has the capacity to gravely disturb your marriage, and which would have influenced your decision to enter the marriage, had you been aware of it before you actually got married.

You obviously look devastated by what you learned, I imagine you might have chosen not to tie the knot at all, if you knew about your boyfriend or fiance’s porn addiction back then before you married him. Thus, while I’m not really qualified as a Canon Law expert, it seems to me that you don’t really have a duty to stay married, moreover, you can request an annulment of your marriage, if your husband-to-be maliciously deceived you regarding his porn addiction, in order to obtain your consent to marry him.

Now, in case that he didn’t maliciously deceived you, in case that you guys somehow simply overlooked that issue, I don’t know what would the Canon Law say. But on a personal level, I understand your anguish. Your point is, you never signed up for marriage with a porn addict. Your sense of trust is shattered, because he failed to inform you in time (before marriage!) of his porn addiction, when you could have made an informed decision regarding whether to marry him at all.

 

[whm]

Irishluck, the part I highlighted in your post made me recall the Canon Law. You might have a valid Canon Law basis to ask annulment of your marriage, if you entered the marriage maliciously deceived on some important issue (in this case, a pre-existing condition of porn addiction) that has the capacity to gravely disturb your marriage, and which would have influenced your decision to enter the marriage, had you been aware of it before you actually got married.

You obviously look devastated by what you learned, I imagine you might have chosen not to tie the knot at all, if you knew about your boyfriend or fiance’s porn addiction back then before you married him. Thus, while I’m not really qualified as a Canon Law expert, it seems to me that you don’t really have a duty to stay married, moreover, you can request an annulment of your marriage, if your husband-to-be maliciously deceived you regarding his porn addiction, in order to obtain your consent to marry him.

Now, in case that he didn’t maliciously deceived you, in case that you guys somehow simply overlooked that issue, I don’t know what would the Canon Law say. But on a personal level, I understand your anguish. Your point is, you never signed up for marriage with a porn addict. Your sense of trust is shattered, because he failed to inform you in time (before marriage!) of his porn addiction, when you could have made an informed decision regarding whether to marry him at all.

This is why they should see their priest. We do not have a fraction of enough information to make suggestions about marriage validity. Any such recommendation should come from their priest after having discusssed the many details. That is one of the many reasons why so many of us so strongly encourage that they must meet with their priest in these situations. Also, from what I understand you actually have to get civilly divorced before a tribunal will consider an order of nullity. Either way their 3 kids under age 5 loose their father who is currently getting help for his problem from the home!

Note also that consented issues can latter be consented to.

 

[L_piperatus]

a husband would not ask his wife to leave if she won’t cover her breast and legs(it could start a fight and resentment too but…)

Pomme, I’m sure we are all different people, but I would never date a woman who dresses like that, thus I would hopefully never end up in the nightmarish situation of finding myself married to a woman who dresses immodestly. To tie back the discussion to the case of the OP, I really feel for her - whether on purpose or accidentally, she was misled. She found out very late, 5 years into her marriage, that her husband is a porn addict. Hopefully I could avoid a nasty surprise like this, because if I started to date a woman, and I saw her dressed immodestly, I would dump her. But if she somehow maliciously misled me, dressing modestly during the courtship phase, and then changing her wardrobe after we tied the knot, I think I would divorce her and seek an annulment… I don’t think I could put up with a wife who dressed immodestly.

 

[L_piperatus]

This is why they should see their priest. We do not have a fraction of enough information to make suggestions about marriage validity. Any such recommendation should come from their priest after having discusssed the many details. That is one of the many reasons why so many of us so strongly encourage that they must meet with their priest in these situations. Also, from what I understand you actually have to get civilly divorced before a tribunal will consider an order of nullity. Either way their 3 kids under age 5 loose their father who is currently getting help for his problem from the home!

Note also that consented issues can latter be consented to.

Yes, I agree that they should see a priest. However, what hit me while reading the OP’s posts, was that she might actually have a valid case for insisting to get divorced, and get her marriage declared null, under existing Canon Law. Of course, this needs to be discussed with a priest and Canon lawyer.