You don’t know how devastating this is to a marriage and there is usually more to it.How very sad for all involved.
I have to ask this. Is it worth breaking up your marriage over this? Is this man a worthy husband and father except for this problem? While he is working on this issue, can the family stay intact? Is this really worth a lifetime as a single parent?
I am not judging. I knew that this was a post that some/most would not agree with.You don’t know how devastating this is to a marriage and there is usually more to it.
It’s easy for someone that doesn’t have to live though this to judge the wife. I have lived though this for 28 years at a great cost to myself and have kept my marriage intact. I’m not sure it’s always worth the great personal cost. Once again maybe you should not be judging us who deal with this everyday.
PaulinVA, I could tell you weren’t judging. I took it as simply posing good, fair questions that need to be thought through before making any decisions. That’s not judgement, that’s just helping someone in turmoil see another perspective before making any important decisions.You don’t know how devastating this is to a marriage and there is usually more to it.
It’s easy for someone that doesn’t have to live though this to judge the wife. I have lived though this for 28 years at a great cost to myself and have kept my marriage intact. I’m not sure it’s always worth the great personal cost. Once again maybe you should not be judging us who deal with this everyday.
In my mind, and I venture to say in the minds of most wives, having sex with yourself is the same as having sex with someone else other than your wife. The husband usually needs some sort of visual stimulation and so looks at some form of images of other women for gratification. It is an assault on the unity of the sacrament of marriage - how can you not think of it as adultery? And it intimates that you, as a wife and woman, are not “good enough” to satisfy/excite your husband - so there must be something wrong with you. From the wife’s perspective, it’s WAAAY more than just him ‘relieving his anxieties’.I understand that the matter is grave from a moral perspective but I cannot for the life of me understand why a man viewing pornography is sometimes put on the same level of adultery. Especially given that most of these situations (including the OPs) predate the marriage and have nothing to do with the spouse. In many cases it’s an anxiety issue that manifests itself in a terribly destructive way during adolescence and it’s very tough to quell no matter how happily married he may be.
I’m not making a judgment on the OP or other wives dealing with the same issue. I understand that it’s hurtful on a personal level and that you fear for your husbands’ souls, but please do know that in most situations it’s a habit that is totally divorced from the idea of actually being physically unfaithful with other women.
If I cannot trust him, unfortunately, yes. But, I am in no place to make decisions right now. I need to worry about myself and getting myself to a healthy place. THis takes a horrible toll on every part of who you are.How very sad for all involved.
I have to ask this. Is it worth breaking up your marriage over this? Is this man a worthy husband and father except for this problem? While he is working on this issue, can the family stay intact? Is this really worth a lifetime as a single parent?
I understand you totally to be wanting space and time.In my situation I could not physically have those which led me to have panic attack.Having said that,the Laaser workshop was the best thing that happened to us,I’d like to go to one for myself because I definitely need to grieve and heal.If I cannot trust him, unfortunately, yes. But, I am in no place to make decisions right now. I need to worry about myself and getting myself to a healthy place. THis takes a horrible toll on every part of who you are.
My point wasn’t to belittle the matter, if that’s how you took it, it was to simply explain the mindset. Frankly I think it should be viewed more as a drug or alcohol addiction situation. They’re all quite serious from a practical and moral standpoint, but for a different reason.In my mind, and I venture to say in the minds of most wives, having sex with yourself is the same as having sex with someone else other than your wife. The husband usually needs some sort of visual stimulation and so looks at some form of images of other women for gratification. It is an assault on the unity of the sacrament of marriage - how can you not think of it as adultery? And it intimates that you, as a wife and woman, are not “good enough” to satisfy/excite your husband - so there must be something wrong with you. From the wife’s perspective, it’s WAAAY more than just him ‘relieving his anxieties’.
Right, the habit was not born overnight and neither will it disppear overnight.The man is comitting adultery against you. Seperation is a good idea maybe. You should not go through the continual disrespect and being ripped apart inside by this kind of emotional abuse.
A repentant person does not cheat on his spouse over and over again… thats just not okay. And one does not become an addict over night.
The man has to choose… he can be with you or give himself away to prostitutes but not both at the same time.
It is true that it has to be treated like an alcohol addiction,I really believe that.But it is also true it is adultery.There is adultery through the desires-so through the heart and mind-,adultery through the senses (eyes and ears but NOT through the touch or emotions although when the men enjoy “feeling wanted” ,there is a research of emotions too=so there is adultery through SOME emotions),and adultery trough having an orgasm -or some sexual release- provoked by desiring other women than yours-and that is quite physical,not so “virtual”.Anyway there is no such thing as a virtual sin so…My point wasn’t to belittle the matter, if that’s how you took it, it was to simply explain the mindset. Frankly I think it should be viewed more as a drug or alcohol addiction situation. They’re all quite serious from a practical and moral standpoint, but for a different reason.
But like I said, it’s not about the wife not being “good enough.” It’s about a damaging habit generally developed during adolescence and fed constantly by today’s culture. I’m not saying it’s not a serious thing and it certainly is damaging to all parties involved, but I am saying it’s quite different from adultery.
Well said. I realize that it is hard for me to understand just how hurtful this must be from the wife’s perspective (given that I’m not a woman). But it is also hard for me to understand the mindset of kicking the husband out of the house, rather than trying to get help for the addiction and for the marriage. It’s not as if the husband one day decided that his wife wasn’t attractive, and therefore he would rather begin looking at porn instead. Rather, the addiction to porn was already firmly established before he even met his wife, unless they already knew each other at age 13.Basically, my main point is that the problem here and with many other men lies not with their lack of satisfaction in their marriage or attraction to their wives or even their love of them! It lies with a genuine addiction that stemmed from their youth. Does that make it OK? Nope. But in my mind it makes it forgivable (as opposed to cheating with another person) provided that the man makes genuine efforts to combat it and seeks reconciliation if and when he falls.
My point wasn’t to belittle the matter, if that’s how you took it, it was to simply explain the mindset. Frankly I think it should be viewed more as a drug or alcohol addiction situation. They’re all quite serious from a practical and moral standpoint, but for a different reason.
Sorry, but its rather different things. One persons alcohol or drug addiction does not include adultery or enabling the business of prostitution which is a very, very degrading business indeed, with millions of slaves and broken-existences paying the prize. But if you wanna talk about drugs… indeed lets put in the connection: Especially the women in the porn-business - who have very often been abused as little girls or they wouldn’t be in such a degrading business to begin with - are contantly stoned on drugs and alcohol in order to be doing what they do. Furthermore most of them suffer from incurable sexual diseases… Sorry, but I’d rather have my husband becoming drunk 100 times than him viewing porn even once.
The women in the sex-industry are some one’s wife, daughter, fiance, or mother who is being XXXXXX so that some person can relive his lust in a manner which destroys the very basic intimacy of a marriage in a very different and deeper way than alcohol abuse does… if you do not see that, sorry, you cannot be helped.
But like I said, it’s not about the wife not being “good enough.” It’s about a damaging habit generally developed during adolescence and fed constantly by today’s culture. I’m not saying it’s not a serious thing and it certainly is damaging to all parties involved, but I am saying it’s quite different from adultery.
No actually it is adultery. Both from Christian sense of the word and from the secular, and as such it is also experienced by the ones who are deceived and cast aside for the company of others for purpuses of sexual satisfaction.