I can't forgive my cousin

[Nicole777]

Actually there is a typo in my previous message, it should be “and that HE would meet her one on one to let her know what is going on”, not “we”. He wants to meet her alone to break the news, but I will probably still meet her eventually to talk about this because I am pretty sure that she will have a lot a questions. Thanks for praying for me HouseArrest.

 

[TeresaAnn]

Still praying for you Nicolle, be strong dear. I know it is hard.

I’m so glad you have your Priest’s support. God Bless you both.

 

[Nicole777]

I got a call from my priest this morning.

He told me that last night he met the fiancée, and that Ben also met him later. Right after telling me this, he said “I have to ask you, would you try to oppose the wedding?”

I answered honestly, I told him that all I wanted was for the fiancée to have all the information she needed to make a wise decision, that if she still wanted to marry Ben after knowing what he did to me and my sister it was her right, and that I wouldn’t try to stop her.

He said “OK, because right now she is still ready to get married to him”. I just said that it was her decision. Then he said that Ben had told him that it was an incident that happened long ago. I don’t know what my priest told me this, he knows that I know that it was years ago.

Then he said that right now the priority was the marriage, but that in the future my sister and I would have to meet Ben to discuss what happened and be able to move on. He asked me if I needed a therapist, and I told him that I had already chosen one and that I would start to see him soon.

I was at work when I got the call so I couldn’t stay on the phone; I don’t have more details about what was said between the priest, Ben and his fiancée.

 

[SaltySirena]

He said “OK, because right now she is still ready to get married to him”.

I hope she is just in shock and will ruminate and think this over. I hope the priest didn’t softpedal what actually happened.

And I sure hope she doesn’t live to regret this. Her future daughters are gonna need very stong guardian angels.

 

[flyingfish]

I got a call from my priest this morning.

He told me that last night he met the fiancée, and that Ben also met him later. Right after telling me this, he said “I have to ask you, would you try to oppose the wedding?”

I answered honestly, I told him that all I wanted was for the fiancée to have all the information she needed to make a wise decision, that if she still wanted to marry Ben after knowing what he did to me and my sister it was her right, and that I wouldn’t try to stop her.

He said “OK, because right now she is still ready to get married to him”. I just said that it was her decision. Then he said that Ben had told him that it was an incident that happened long ago. I don’t know what my priest told me this, he knows that I know that it was years ago.

Then he said that right now the priority was the marriage, but that in the future my sister and I would have to meet Ben to discuss what happened and be able to move on. He asked me if I needed a therapist, and I told him that I had already chosen one and that I would start to see him soon.

I was at work when I got the call so I couldn’t stay on the phone; I don’t have more details about what was said between the priest, Ben and his fiancée.

Hmm, do you know exactly what the priest said?

I guess I am surprised she still wants to marry him, I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone who did that.

Is it possible that he didn’t tell her the true severity of what happened? Could she be under the impression that he touched you briefly through clothing? Ben himself probably tried to make it seem as “good” as he could.

HMMMMMMM

 

[Nicole777]

Hmm, do you know exactly what the priest said?

I guess I am surprised she still wants to marry him, I can’t imagine wanting to marry someone who did that.

Is it possible that he didn’t tell her the true severity of what happened? Could she be under the impression that he touched you briefly through clothing? Ben himself probably tried to make it seem as “good” as he could.

HMMMMMMM

Sadly, I don’t know exactly what was said. I don’t even know what the fiancée said, all I know is that he “told them about what you told me”, that she still wants to get married, and that Ben said it was an old incident that happened years ago.

SaltySirena:

I hope she is just in shock and will ruminate and think this over. I hope the priest didn’t softpedal what actually happened.

And I sure hope she doesn’t live to regret this. Her future daughters are gonna need very stong guardian angels.

Now I am worried that he “softpedalled” what happened. Unless she just didn’t fully realize what they told her, she must have been in complete shock and Ben probably did a lot of damage control.

The fact that the first thing that the priest did on the phone was ask me if I was going to try to stop the wedding from happening makes me think that Ben and his fiancee thought I was just going to try to ruin their wedding at all cost or something. Maybe Ben made me seem like the villain, trying to exaggerate “old stories” to make him look bad and ruin his big day. I wasn’t there so it would have been easy to twist the truth.

I know I am biased as a victim, but I can’t imagine wanting to choose a man who molested his two cousins as the father of my children From now on it’s her call though, she will have to make her own decision.

 

[Primox]

Unsurprising verdict. Most people are satisfied with their distant selves (as are those close to us) as long as they see our folly as simply that - distant. It’s not hard to make dichotomous our past selves from our present selves - all one needs to do is ruminate about “Ahh, yes, the old me… that was a long time ago.”

Well I hope Ben’s depraved ways remain long ago and are truthfully long ago, his marriage unscathed, your heart on the mend, your therapist well-trained and compassionate, your soul forgiving, and God’s heavy hand over you, ever loving and merciful.

God bless you, Nicole. You’ve been very strong. I hope truth has been exposed how it ought to’ve been.

 

[TeresaAnn]

OH, that makes me gag… sorry. cough

I agree with Primox Nicolle, you did your job. You are not responsible for anything else. If anything, beyond the couple (both of them now) the priest has this on his hands if Ben re-offends. I’m sad to say (and angry) he will re-offend. Unless you see him get counselling, he will.

The soon to be wife will not forget what she has been told. She’s just in wedding zombie mode. Probably afraid of what everyone will think if they cancel and naively believing Ben.

It doesn’t really matter if the Priest downplayed it or not. If he said “just touching through clothes” it’s not a “just”. He is sexually attracted to small children. We know he was interrupted in both instances. Wrong and disgusting is just that.

I glad you will be going to therapy, talk it over with her or him. I can’t tell you whether you should pursue charges (it would weigh on my mind) but I don’t think you have to worry about the timing so much. You tried to save the fiancee a lot of pain. She chose her path. You did your job. Rest easy.:hug3:

I’m still praying for you.

 

[BrokenFortress]

Wow… I can’t imagine being okay with marrying a man who touched anyone inappropriately. But I do agree that perhaps she’s in the mode of just getting married and is afraid of what people will think if she cancels. And I’m sure Ben is going to make it seem like it was nothing.

I agree that you have done your duty, and if something were to happen in the future, it is not your fault or guilt to hold onto. You told what happened, and that’s all you can really do. It is her decision to stay engaged to him.

I will continue to say prayers for you, and for his fiancee.

 

[former_Catholic]

It is common for children who have been sexually abused to sexually abuse other children, and it is extraordinarily common for them to grow up and marry spouses who were themselves likewise sexually abused as children. Whether they remember or not or realize it or not, their souls come together exactly over those life issues that need resolving that they hold in common.

Sometimes they love out and fight out their issues like cats and dogs and eventually grow and mature to become responsible people. Believe it or not, it often does happen.

Sometimes as adults they bury their issues in denial and silence and forgetting and the cycle of abuse continues with their own children, whom they in turn silence and deny and forget. Believe it or not, it often does happen and you well might have witnessed that in your own family.

Sometimes they eventually try to kill one another over their issues, or at least make a darn good show of convincing everyone on the block that one or the other or both are going to kill the other over their issues. Typically they will move from one disfunctional relationship to the next even more disfunctional relationship until they either kill someone, die, abandon all relationship, end up in jail, seriously addicted or otherwise incapacitated, or learn how to build a more functional healthier life.

Your cousin and his fiancee will eventually end up in one of the above 3 categories.

Life is about learning, about growth. How people choose to learn, to grow, is up to them and no one else. Some people really do only resolve their issues and become willing to learn and grow and change in life when they find themselves up against the wall kicking and screaming with no other choice, and they consciously or unconsciously put themselves in exactly that position for exactly that purpose… because they are not willing to learn and grow and change any other way.

Couples generally pair up and marry because they have major life issues in common.
They will either love and support one another over those major life issues and work through them together…
or they will act out and threaten to kill one another over those major life issues.
They attain growth either way, and some people really do prefer to learn and grow only when they are kicking and screaming up against a wall and consciously or unconsciously marry people guaranteed to put them exactly there. ( A set of kitchen knives is never an appropriate wedding gift in such cases!)

As for your own growth, know that those who were abused and do not themselves abuse others in turn learn and develop a compassion beyond what anyone else otherwise knows… and that learning compassion is a great gift from God.

I was once sexually abused as a child. I asked God what in hell that was all about,
and 35 years later God showed me exactly what in hell that was all about when God sent a gang raped teenage girl who had just tried to kill herself to my door…
With no formal training whatsoever and over time, I managed to help her get her life slowly back together and reclaim her power and her life, exactly because I had once learned enough as a child to have some understanding of what she had been through.

She eventually grew up and became a happily married wife and mother and I eventually got down on my knees and I thanked God…
I thanked God that God had crossed my path with that curse… with that blessing… in childhood and that I had learned just enough to have been able to help her when she had needed help and there was no one else to help her at all.

Our scars, healed, become our greatest strengths of all.

 

[GraceDK]

I got a call from my priest this morning.

He told me that last night he met the fiancée, and that Ben also met him later. Right after telling me this, he said “I have to ask you, would you try to oppose the wedding?”

I answered honestly, I told him that all I wanted was for the fiancée to have all the information she needed to make a wise decision, that if she still wanted to marry Ben after knowing what he did to me and my sister it was her right, and that I wouldn’t try to stop her.

He said “OK, because right now she is still ready to get married to him”. I just said that it was her decision. Then he said that Ben had told him that it was an incident that happened long ago. I don’t know what my priest told me this, he knows that I know that it was years ago.

Then he said that right now the priority was the marriage, but that in the future my sister and I would have to meet Ben to discuss what happened and be able to move on. He asked me if I needed a therapist, and I told him that I had already chosen one and that I would start to see him soon.

I was at work when I got the call so I couldn’t stay on the phone; I don’t have more details about what was said between the priest, Ben and his fiancée.

I am speechless…
I was under the impression that you would at least be there your self while the fiancee was told what he had done.
How could the priest possibly know everything that took place while you were molested-
Did he stress that Ben was a two time offender??? did he make clear whether or not Ben had repented… in confession or otherwise shown signs of true contrition…?

How could a girl want to marry some phedofile who had not told her about his ugly past…? she ought to know what really went down.
I cant imagine that she really got it.

This is truly odd.

 

[Norseman82]

At this point I really think you need to call the authorities, ESPECIALLY since your sister is still underage.

 

[Catholic90]

At this point I really think you need to call the authorities, ESPECIALLY since your sister is still underage.

I agree. Call the authorities, for your sister’s sake.

 

[Primox]

It is common for children who have been sexually abused to sexually abuse other children…Our scars, healed, become our greatest strengths of all.

Good assessment, fC.

As for the authorities - the statute of limitations (in the States) is usually between 3-10 years following the commission of the act. Or, often, there is no statute of limitations if DNA evidence can be provided. Not to persuade you in one direction or the other; just letting you know what I’ve read. Do look into it though.

I am curious (and it’s a shame I am, because I’ll never really know, even by asking) if people would have suggested contacting the authorities if Ben’s wedding had simply gone into shambles. It’s possible that, in a way, our sense of justice will be painted by the misfortune that would await Ben following the disclosure of his misdeeds. Just a muse though…

 

[LittleMother]

Unsurprising verdict. Most people are satisfied with their distant selves (as are those close to us) as long as they see our folly as simply that - distant. It’s not hard to make dichotomous our past selves from our present selves - all one needs to do is ruminate about “Ahh, yes, the old me… that was a long time ago.”

Well I hope Ben’s depraved ways remain long ago and are truthfully long ago, his marriage unscathed, your heart on the mend, your therapist well-trained and compassionate, your soul forgiving, and God’s heavy hand over you, ever loving and merciful.

God bless you, Nicole. You’ve been very strong. I hope truth has been exposed how it ought to’ve been.

I agree Nicole, you’ve been very strong. It hink when a lot of people are that close to their wedding they aren’t strong enough to break it off and “cause a scene” so to speak.

There is still the issue of what you and your sister have been through and the possibility of your sister seeking legal action if she still wants to and can.

 

[Norseman82]

Good assessment, fC.

As for the authorities - the statute of limitations (in the States) is usually between 3-10 years following the commission of the act. Or, often, there is no statute of limitations if DNA evidence can be provided. Not to persuade you in one direction or the other; just letting you know what I’ve read. Do look into it though.

I am curious (and it’s a shame I am, because I’ll never really know, even by asking) if people would have suggested contacting the authorities if Ben’s wedding had simply gone into shambles. It’s possible that, in a way, our sense of justice will be painted by the misfortune that would await Ben following the disclosure of his misdeeds. Just a muse though…

I actually did suggest contacting the authorities before contacting the priest. But if this ends the wedding, yes, I would still strongly urge Nicole and her sister to contact the legal authorities.

Also, as far as statute of limitations, some are that action must be brought within a certain period of time after a person turns 18, so even if it turns out to be too late for Nicole, there is still time for her sister to take action if she is not yet 18. But, I do not know the legalities in Nicole’s jurisdiction.

Also, now that the “secret” is out, this could be a very unsafe time for Nicole, whether it be “Ben” trying to get revenge, or if word leaks to the rest of the family Nicole and her sister could face harassment. Please say an extra prayer for them.

 

[Primox]

Please say an extra prayer for them.

Will indeed.

 

[flyingfish]

I am speechless…
I was under the impression that you would at least be there your self while the fiancee was told what he had done.
How could the priest possibly know everything that took place while you were molested-
Did he stress that Ben was a two time offender??? did he make clear whether or not Ben had repented… in confession or otherwise shown signs of true contrition…?

How could a girl want to marry some phedofile who had not told her about his ugly past…? she ought to know what really went down.
I cant imagine that she really got it.

This is truly odd.

That’s what I think too, I don’t think the priest acted appropriately.

You and your sister should still consider contacting the authorities and publicly “outing” him for what he is.

 

[flyingfish]

Good assessment, fC.

As for the authorities - the statute of limitations (in the States) is usually between 3-10 years following the commission of the act. Or, often, there is no statute of limitations if DNA evidence can be provided. Not to persuade you in one direction or the other; just letting you know what I’ve read. Do look into it though.

I am curious (and it’s a shame I am, because I’ll never really know, even by asking) if people would have suggested contacting the authorities if Ben’s wedding had simply gone into shambles. It’s possible that, in a way, our sense of justice will be painted by the misfortune that would await Ben following the disclosure of his misdeeds. Just a muse though…

This is only in a small part about his wedding (insofar as we don’t want other people to unknowingly marry pedophiles). Primarily this is about all the children he will likely abuse in the future.

Most of the experts on pedophilia say that these people never stop, that during the course of their lives they abuse many, many children.

Of course most of us feel that people like that should pay for their actions, but that aside this is about protecting his future victims.

If he doesn’t go to jail, people around him should at least know what he is so that they don’t leave children alone with him to be abused the way the OP and her sister were.

This guy doesn’t just have the urge to have sex with children, he doesn’t just look at pictures online, his urges are so powerful that he committed a serious crime in sexually assaulting his two cousins of 4 and 6. Think about how twisted he must be to actually do that… He didn’t do it when he was 10, he did it when he was 19, a grown man.

 

[former_Catholic]

I am curious (and it’s a shame I am, because I’ll never really know, even by asking) if people would have suggested contacting the authorities…

People need to understand that if they believe a child is being abused or neglected, has just been abused or neglected, or is in imminent danger of being abused or neglected, or if they have knowledge of a history of current or past abuse of children by someone working around children, especially in a child supervisory capacity, that they are obligated by law to contact Child Protective Services/the police dept. to investigate the situation immediately!

People also need to understand that without hard evidence, witnesses, nor expert witness testimony, and especially with a long time lag, most rape/molestation cases are exceedingly difficult if not impossible to prove beyond reasonable doubt in a court of law and that often the legal system serves only to further traumatize the victim.

People also need to understand that by far the vast majority of abusers were themselves abused as children, that the line between perpetrator and victim can be very thin indeed, and that “those people” we are all so quick to damn to hell for all eternity were all themselves once the innocent children of our community who fell through the cracks in our community such that they were not listened to, not believed, not respected, not acknowledged nor treated with the dignity of human beings when they themselves were mere babies and innocent children… and just where were all the rest of us righteous Christian people when that happened? It really does take an entire village to raise a child.

When children are listened to, believed, respected, acknowledged and treated with the dignity of human beings, they grow up learning such behavior. When children are not listened to, not believed, not respected, not acknowledged and treated with the dignity of human beings, they grow up learning that same behavior. Children do learn what they live.

With that said, if one lives long enough, eventually one will observe that people, all people, eventually end up living the other side of everything they have ever been and said and done in life, and that through time and space there is absolutely no such thing as ever outrunning or avoiding the lesson that when you spit in the air it lands in your face, because God is as ever-present and pervasive as gravity.
For some people, living the other side of what they’ve done unto others in life becomes their heaven…
and for some people, living the other side of what they’ve done unto others in life becomes their hell in which they’ve dug their very own pit with a very large backhoe.

Beyond the anger… lies pity
beyond the pity… lies healing
beyond the healing… lies tremendous strength
beyond the strength… lies that faith of a mustard seed that moves mountains
and in the end, gratitude to God for everything…

But in the meantime, I’d be tempted to send Ben and his fiancee everything written in this thread as a wedding gift to them both.
It’s the most anyone could ever do to educate them and give them fair warning of the icebergs ahead, as they prepare to sail…
on the Titanic.