I cheated on my husband

[EasterJoy]

To the OP: While the initial reaction is sometimes extreme when the innocent spouse learns of the offense against them, a reaction that is understandable, if the offense was one time and quickly and totally repented from, there is good hope that the innocent spouse will indeed be willing to reconcile, provided that the marriage is otherwise reasonably healthy. Some couples even become closer, not because of the offense, but because of the work they do in order to heal from it. It is the work that improves the marriage, that is what I mean to say. You really have to be willing to give up whatever it takes to rebuild your spouse’s trust, though. No holding back.

 

[jbenade]

Yes, you should tell your husband. He has a right to know, plain and simple. And he has a right to make a decision based on what the truth is.

I’ve been on the other end of this. There were people who knew my husband was cheating but wanted to “spare” my feelings and, thus, did not tell me.

How I wish they had.

Also, there is another website called MarriageBuilders.com. Go there. Sign in on the Discussion Forums. They will help guide you through this.

I wish you the best.

 

[silentfactor80]

Thank you all for replying. I have not decided whether or not I will tell but when I sought help on a site for people recovering from infidelity, only one opinion was allowed. It was so one-sided, it was hard for me to accept, especially coming from strangers. Discussion of religion is not allowed on that site and I don’t see how it’s possible to make this decision without involving God. That’s why I came here. You may be strangers but at least I feel at home with your faith.

God answered my prayers when I asked for the strength to end the affair and I believe He will lead me in the right direction from here.

I am glad you have found some solace here. Would it be possible for you to give us some details how this started? Maybe others can learn from you and that could spare someone the pain of infidelity altogether.

 

[EasterJoy]

…If you were validly married, there is nothing your spouse can morally do to release you from your vows…

By “morally”, I meant that suicide would obviously release you, but heaven forbid! Lying to you and to a tribunal in order to falsely obtain a decree of invalidity might also gain you official permission to marry in the Church, but again—*heaven forbid! *Other than that, there is no action at all, moral or immoral, that your spouse can take to even apparently release you from your vows.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

My question is, do I tell my husband?

It really depends on the circumstances, but I am in the camp of telling the spouse. I’m of the opinion that spouses should not hide anything from each other. If you can’t trust your spouse, then who can you trust?

However, there are some spouses that do not get along very well, and such information can destroy a delicate marriage. In such cases, it could be advisable not to tell the spouse such information, especially if the couple has children under 18. It’s one thing for the couple to split up, it’s another thing to damage the children.

 

[silentfactor80]

If he has true repentance, and confesses his sins to a priest, and is absolved based on his intention not to ever repeat the sin, then he is not sinning every day. It is true that he has lied through omission while the affair was going on, but if he truly repents and is clean before God, what good does it do to destroy the family?

It doesn’t have to destroy the family. If kids are involved and the spouse is contrite I think most spouses would be forgiving. Even though about half of men and women cheat, the by far largest cause of divorce is money issues. Check out this resource (divorcemag.com/articles/Infidelity/infidelityfaqs.html).

Here is a quote from Divorce Magazine:

The chances of a couple staying together after an infidelity are better than most people think. Many of us tell ourselves and our partners that “It’s over” if they ever cheat on us. But when confronted with the stark reality of infidelity, most people don’t find it so cut-and-dried. In fact, that’s a big part of why we wrote our book, Intimacy after Infidelity. In working with couples dealing with infidelity, we found that many of them not only stay together, but do rebuild their LTLRs so that they’re happier together than they ever were before the infidelity. It’s hard work, but they’ve taught us that it’s possible.

Reports have said that 60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together. However, this does not mean that these couples can heal their relationships and regain trust and commitment to each other. In such cases, many couples stay together after one or more infidelities not because they’re happy together but because they’re afraid of the alternative. They’re afraid of being single, the impact of divorce on their kids, the financial implications, etc.

 

[jbenade]

SF80, MarriageBuilders is a Christian forum. You’ll get help there, I promise.

 

[silentfactor80]

SF80, MarriageBuilders is a Christian forum. You’ll get help there, I promise.

I don’t need help lol. I am single and hoping to stay that way. It is good to hear people share their experiences though for others to learn from.

 

[thewanderer]

Right,** but one still cannot end the marriage,** and obviously what this is saying is that if the offense has ended, and the guilty party is truly contrite, it is best to forgive and eventually resume normal married life.

What do you mean by end the marriage? They technically have the right to end all sexual relations and to move out and live separately. They are strongly urged to avoid this and to instead forgive their spouse and work on their marriage, but they are not technically required to. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am strongly against a person refusing to forgive their unfaithful spouse, I fell very strongly that they ought to do everything they can to make their marriage work and should forgive their spouse to make this happen, but that doesn’t change the fact that they do, in fact, have a right to separate if their spouse is unfaithful to them. Refusing to tell them of ones infidelity prevents them from exercising this right and so should only occur when the spouse in question has made it clear that they would prefer to be kept in the dark about such infidelities. In such a case they have waived their right, in the case where a person hides their infidelity without such explicit permission from their spouse then they personally are preventing their spouse from having the opportunity to exercise their right if they so desired, and that is wrong. If the spouse does decide to separate (which I would always strongly advise against) the cause of that separation ultimately comes back to the offense of infidelity. That is one of the results, the temporal effects, if you will, of infidelity. Once the infidelity has occured one should not hide the affair simply out of a desire to prevent a separation as it is the affair itself they have already had which has severed the ties of marriage to the point of separation. That is like a kid breaking a vase and then hiding it from his parents so that he won’t be punished. And yes, I am well aware that it is not just the unfaithful spouse who will be punished, the children involved will also be punished, but again, that is the result of the affair, that is what infidelity does, that is part of why infidelity is such an unbelievably horrible thing. The more I think about all this the more convinced I am that unless a spouse has explicitly said they would not want to know they should be told.

 

[JackieMom]

What do you mean by end the marriage? They technically have the right to end all sexual relations and to move out and live separately. They are strongly urged to avoid this and to instead forgive their spouse and work on their marriage, but they are not technically required to. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am strongly against a person refusing to forgive their unfaithful spouse, I fell very strongly that they ought to do everything they can to make their marriage work and should forgive their spouse to make this happen, but that doesn’t change the fact that they do, in fact, have a right to separate if their spouse is unfaithful to them. Refusing to tell them of ones infidelity prevents them from exercising this right and so should only occur when the spouse in question has made it clear that they would prefer to be kept in the dark about such infidelities. In such a case they have waived their right, in the case where a person hides their infidelity without such explicit permission from their spouse then they personally are preventing their spouse from having the opportunity to exercise their right if they so desired, and that is wrong. If the spouse does decide to separate (which I would always strongly advise against) the cause of that separation ultimately comes back to the offense of infidelity. That is one of the results, the temporal effects, if you will, of infidelity. Once the infidelity has occured one should not hide the affair simply out of a desire to prevent a separation as it is the affair itself they have already had which has severed the ties of marriage to the point of separation. That is like a kid breaking a vase and then hiding it from his parents so that he won’t be punished. And yes, I am well aware that it is not just the unfaithful spouse who will be punished, the children involved will also be punished, but again, that is the result of the affair, that is what infidelity does, that is part of why infidelity is such an unbelievably horrible thing. The more I think about all this the more convinced I am that unless a spouse has explicitly said they would not want to know they should be told.

By end the marriage I mean end the marriage - an annulment. A spouse may choose to move out, but he/she still remains married to the unfaithful spouse with the hope of reconcilliation. Infidelity is not grounds for an annulment.

I still maintain that if the event is over and the adulterer has repented, there is no obligation to tell the spouse ESPECIALLY if doing so will cause discord and pain in the home of children. In that case, if one must tell, I’d suggest waiting until the youngest child was 18.

 

[thewanderer]

By end the marriage I mean end the marriage - an annulment. A spouse may choose to move out, but he/she still remains married to the unfaithful spouse with the hope of reconcilliation. Infidelity is not grounds for an annulment.

Ok, I see what you mean. Of course I agree with you there. I guess I see an annulment as being more than ending a marriage, it is showing that the marriage never in fact took place. It sounds like this was just a miscommunication then.

I still maintain that if the event is over and the adulterer has repented, there is no obligation to tell the spouse ESPECIALLY if doing so will cause discord and pain in the home of children. In that case, if one must tell, I’d suggest waiting until the youngest child was 18.

Like I have said before, I know that people will disagree with me about this. And don’t get me wrong, I come from a broken family, I understand how terrible it is on the kids if the family breaks up and I am a very firm believer in parents doing absolutely everything they can to help keep their family together, but I am not ok with one spouse deceiving the other (through omission) for the sake of preventing the consequences of their action occuring. If a separation does occur, it is a consequence of the infidelity. Period. It is unbelievably tragic if it should occur, but it is wrong to lie and deceive others just so that you can avoid the negative consequences of your actions. It doesn’t matter whether your a little kid who broke a vase or a grown woman who cheated on her husband. Actions have consequences, and one of the possible consequences of infidelity is that break apart a family. That is one of the reasons why infidelity is such an unbelievably horrendous action. But that doesn’t justify deceiving your spouse about the reality of your relationship. As I’ve said before, the one exception I can see is if the spouse in question has already made it clear that they don’t want to know. Then I absolutely agree that you should respect their wishes. But otherwise, its just not ok. The ends do not justify the means.

 

[LaSainte]

If he has true repentance, and confesses his sins to a priest, and is absolved based on his intention not to ever repeat the sin, then he is not sinning every day. It is true that he has lied through omission while the affair was going on, but if he truly repents and is clean before God, what good does it do to destroy the family?

Coming home to the family, knowing that I would NEVER allow him back in my bed after cheating on me, is lying to me every single day, because in the marital act, you are giving 100% of yourself honestly and openly. I would never do that with a man who was so flippant about sleeping with another woman, who cared so little about the family we had built that he would just go and have sex with someone else, KNOWING the consequences if I ever found out.

The marital bond here itself has been severely damaged, possibly irreparably, and I, as the other party in the marriage, would deserve to know this so that we could either work on that bond TOGETHER, or so that I could throw him out on his cheating butt, as I have a right to do.

He doesn’t have the right to basically RAPE me by coming home every night and pretending that he hasn’t lied and cheated. I would feel SO violated.

 

[joe370]

Coming home to the family, knowing that I would NEVER allow him back in my bed after cheating on me, is lying to me every single day, because in the marital act, you are giving 100% of yourself honestly and openly. I would never do that with a man who was so flippant about sleeping with another woman, who cared so little about the family we had built that he would just go and have sex with someone else, KNOWING the consequences if I ever found out.

The marital bond here itself has been severely damaged, possibly irreparably, and I, as the other party in the marriage, would deserve to know this so that we could either work on that bond TOGETHER, or so that I could throw him out on his cheating butt, as I have a right to do.

He doesn’t have the right to basically RAPE me by coming home every night and pretending that he hasn’t lied and cheated. I would feel SO violated.

Ephesians 4:32
What happened to forgiveness? “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

 

[LaSainte]

If I COULD forgive infidelity (which I’m not positive about), one thing I could NEVER forgive would be years and years of lying and deception. How DARE someone cheat on me and then not even give me the option of deciding whether or not to forgive them?

Not only that, but studies have shown that if a cheater doesn’t tell the spouse about the infidelity, they are more likely to do it again in the future.

By cheating and then not telling, you have created a wall between you and your spouse, you have created a secret between you and your lover (and anyone else who knows) that your spouse is not privy to. You have DESTROYED forever your ability to be completely honest and open with your spouse, and you have severely damaged the marital bond itself, which we believe is something totally separate from the two of you. How on EARTH can this be healthy or even remotely ok?

 

[JackieMom]

Coming home to the family, knowing that I would NEVER allow him back in my bed after cheating on me, is lying to me every single day, because in the marital act, you are giving 100% of yourself honestly and openly. I would never do that with a man who was so flippant about sleeping with another woman, who cared so little about the family we had built that he would just go and have sex with someone else, KNOWING the consequences if I ever found out.

The marital bond here itself has been severely damaged, possibly irreparably, and I, as the other party in the marriage, would deserve to know this so that we could either work on that bond TOGETHER, or so that I could throw him out on his cheating butt, as I have a right to do.

He doesn’t have the right to basically RAPE me by coming home every night and pretending that he hasn’t lied and cheated. I would feel SO violated.

I wonder if such a harsh view would keep your husband from being honest about such a transgression. If I knew my husband would for sure throw me out, never be intimate with me again, and have no sense of compassion for me, I’d probably decide that it was too risky to divulge my error.

 

[thewanderer]

By cheating and then not telling, you have created a wall between you and your spouse, you have created a secret between you and your lover (and anyone else who knows) that your spouse is not privy to. You have DESTROYED forever your ability to be completely honest and open with your spouse,

Yes, this is a huge part of the problem. This is also part of the reason why I really cannot comprehend why some people would prefer to not be told the truth, but I have come to accept that such people do exist. I don’t understand their desire, but I do believe it ought to be respected. So we do need to keep that balance in mind.

 

[LaSainte]

Ephesians 4:32
What happened to forgiveness? “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Yes. In order for me to even be able to THINK about forgiveness, he needs to come clean to me about what happened first. Anything else is like rape, because I would certainly NOT consent to sex with someone who had cheated on me and then lied to me about it indefinitely, EVER. Each time we had sex would be a lie.

Isn’t marital sex about unity? Where the hell is the unity in it if this man is lying to me every single day of our married life about being a faithful and loving husband? How can he give himself to me entirely if he can’t even tell me the most basic truth, which is that he shattered the most important vow one person can make to another and then covered it up?

Assuming our marriage even stood a chance after infidelity, he would have just destroyed it by adding deception on top of it. I would NEVER choose to be with a person like that.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ephesians 4:32
What happened to forgiveness? “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Forgiving is not the same as reconciling and reconciling is not the same as returning the offender to a position of trust. Adultery is a serious violation of the trust of the innocent spouse, and it is not a violation of forgiveness for the innocent spouse to decide that a second chance at the position of trust of sharing the common conjugal life is not going to be offered. The innocent spouse is morally bound to work so as to let go of thoughts of vengeance and may not wish ill on the offender and must be willing that God welcome the person back to a full relationship with Him. That is forgiveness. They do not have to return to the mutual emotional vulnerability of the marital bed. That is not required. It is laudable, it is praiseworthy, it often leads to the greatest long-term happiness of both spouses, but it is not required.

 

[joe370]

If I COULD forgive infidelity (which I’m not positive about), one thing I could NEVER forgive would be years and years of lying and deception. How DARE someone cheat on me and then not even give me the option of deciding whether or not to forgive them?

Not only that, but studies have shown that if a cheater doesn’t tell the spouse about the infidelity, they are more likely to do it again in the future.

By cheating and then not telling, you have created a wall between you and your spouse, you have created a secret between you and your lover (and anyone else who knows) that your spouse is not privy to. You have DESTROYED forever your ability to be completely honest and open with your spouse, and you have severely damaged the marital bond itself, which we believe is something totally separate from the two of you. How on EARTH can this be healthy or even remotely ok?

I understand…Well, thank God for Jesus and His infinite mercy and capacity to forgive even the worst of sinners…

 

[joe370]

Forgiving is not the same as reconciling and reconciling is not the same as returning the offender to a position of trust. Adultery is a serious violation of the trust of the innocent spouse, and it is not a violation of forgiveness for the innocent spouse to decide that a second chance at the position of trust of sharing the common conjugal life is not going to be offered. The innocent spouse is morally bound to work so as to let go of thoughts of vengeance and may not wish ill on the offender and must be willing that God welcome the person back to a full relationship with Him. That is forgiveness. They do not have to return to the mutual emotional vulnerability of the marital bed. That is not required.

to that friend…I never said anything about the bed…just forgiveness