I don't feel like like I'm welcome in the Catholic community

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I loved my mother, but she could be very difficult for me to get along with and sometimes one or the other of us did awful things.

It is difficult if not impossible to fully explain this to anyone outside the relationship.

Really the best thing anyone ever said to me on the matter was from a man I seriously dated for many years at the time who had his own issues with his own mother. He said “Eh, mothers are crazy sometimes.” That was it. It was enough. No need for deeper analysis. One could set it aside.

Congrats on your lease, DarkLight. You will feel better once out of the situation.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Well, we married folks who don’t fit the Norman Rockwell image have the same akward convo.

No, we are not doing anything for Thanksgiving. We will likely order a pizza. Why? Because our son, his fiancee work retail. I am not cooking a big meal for just us two.

We cannot afford to travel to other relatives.
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We’re not doing, and rarely do, the Norman Rockwell thing. Both sets of our parents are dead. Husband and I are working in different states. He may or may not go to his brother’s house and I will probably go eat dinner with my mom’s oldest friend who is about 90 and has no family. We get dinner from Boston Market (lots of people around here do and it’s better than many "expensive " restaurant dinners served for Thanksgiving). Maybe I’ll go to my buddy’s punk show the night before or whenever it is. I will also probably go to Mass and pray a lot on the holiday since I don’t have to work that day. It will be a nice day regardless.
 
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You might consider talking to your preist about how to use this experience to grow in your spiritual life.

“Father, I am in a difficult situation with my mother. She is a difficult and emotionally manipulative woman. I am doing my best to handle the practical day-to-day things and to try to improve the overall situation, but that will take time. At this time, I don’t need a “support group” exactly so much as I need resources to help me bare this burden (or you could say cross). I feel stressed out and overwhelmed. Can you help?”

That frames your issue in a way that will help a preist help you. I would encourage you to not be dismissive of his advice, give it a try. If the preist says he doesn’t know, give him your number or email and ask him to contact you if he thinks of anything. Inspiration might hit him later. If that’s a dead end, go ask another preist. Keep knocking, God will open the door.

You don’t have anything to lose by asking.
 
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KathleenT,

That’s very good. I think eventually, you’ll bump into a priest who has some hard-won insight on the subject, even if the first several you ask may not have any good ideas.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t go very deep with people who aren’t ready for the conversation.
 
Thanks. I think it’s just often…there’s no thing I can point to and say, there, that’s the line. Or rather, many of the things I can point to seem trivial, but I almost have a sense that they’re not.

Like, she’s always disliked my clothes. They’re not immodest, she just thinks my wardrobe is boring/unflattering/weird. I said once, as a preteen, that I wore an outfit that I knew she didn’t like because I was upset with her.

And then, maybe 3 or 4 years ago, she asks me, “Isn’t it time you stopped rebelling against me by wearing all these weird clothes? Aren’t you too old for this?” I just stared at her. I didn’t know what to say. Still don’t, honestly, other than maybe “Where on earth did you get that idea?” It seems faintly ridiculous more than anything.
 
Dear DarkLight, I know of this lady. She’s dead now. But a lot of wisdom. Especially considering her limited education. Only to the 3rd grade. But she said this,

“Do not keep your mind fixed on the defective example of professing Christians. You will, of course, see in their lives things that are not right. But if you keep looking at their faults, you will become like them. Instead of looking at the lives of your fellowmen look to Jesus. There you will see no imperfection, but perfection, righteousness, goodness, mercy, and truth.”

A lot of truth to that statement. By beholding we become changed. Paul tells us to set our affections on things above and not on things on the earth. There’s not a man alive who doesn’t have the ability to disappoint you in spite of best intentions. Keep looking up, Jesus NEVER fails and He will NEVER fail you!
 
At the end of the day…do I believe in God? Yes. But there’s a lot of things that Jesus does not do. There are people who can go be hermits in the desert, focused on Christ alone, without human company. I am not one of them.
 
I think what you really need is a good spiritual director with whom you can talk things over.
 
I’ve never understood how that worked. Most places I’ve been, anyone involved with the church just doesn’t have time to focus on building that sort of relationship with one person.
 
Pray to the Holy Spirit. I admit it is hard but then it was hard in the time of St Teresa of Avila over 400 years ago. find a priest with whom you feel that you can confide in and go to him.
 
Spiritual Direction has been part of the Church from the beginning. In a perfect Church, each of us would have a formal Spiritual Director. It is more than just a friend who gives you spiritual advice, more than a life coach sort of thing.

This is a good blog post about finding an SD:


She suggests calling your Diocese, I’d say a big “amen” to that. Our Diocese has a formal training process for SDs. You do not want to get entangled with someone who simply calls themselves an SD. SDs may be priests, deacons, religious or lay persons.

Spiritual Direction may be done at a distance, over phone or mail or skype.

This is a trustworthy website:


This page has is a goldmine of info and the org is solidly orthodox:

http://www.johnpaul2center.org/Lay-Formation/Spiritual-Direction.htm
 
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