I don't want to make Confirmation

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My dad is still away on business. He’ll be back tonight. I asked my mom if she told my dad I didn’t want to be confirmed. She said she did, and he said he’d discuss it with me when he got back. There’s nothing to discuss. I’m not doing it. I didn’t tell her that though.
 
My dad is still away on business. He’ll be back tonight. I asked my mom if she told my dad I didn’t want to be confirmed. She said she did, and he said he’d discuss it with me when he got back. There’s nothing to discuss. I’m not doing it. I didn’t tell her that though.
There IS something to discuss. Your parents feed you, they clothe you, the house you, they take care of your needs and most likely they probably pay a pretty penny to send you to that Catholic school you like so much. You should be thanking God that at your age your biggest concern with your parents is mass attendance and confirmation. There are children your age who have been abandoned by their parents, whose parents are dead, or whose parents couldn’t ever dream to give them what your parents have seemingly given you.

Your attitude toward your parents is worrying. I realize that you don’t believe and that you don’t want to be confirmed, and others have given you advice on how to deal with that logistically with your priest and/or your bishop, that’s all understandable. The stance you’ve shown here toward your parents is inexcusable.

Your parents won’t always be here to ‘discuss’ things with you. Be grateful for the time that you have with them, because I can promise you that one day, when you are older and they have passed on, you will be wishing more than anything for just five minutes worth of their advice.
 
My dad is still away on business. He’ll be back tonight. I asked my mom if she told my dad I didn’t want to be confirmed. She said she did, and he said he’d discuss it with me when he got back. There’s nothing to discuss. I’m not doing it. I didn’t tell her that though.
Discussing something doesn’t always mean that either of your positions will change. It simply means that the 3 of you should calmly talk this issue through so that at the very least everyone understands each other’s positions and reasoning behind them.
 
I am a catechist, DRE, Youth Minister, and Lay Ecclesial Minister. Lots of hats.
For those who do not live in an Archdiocese that recommends Confirmation at 15, here is what we advance:

That Confirmation goes a long way to put together the reality of our faith, connect the dots as it were, for all of those kids how were “dragged to Sunday school”. Confirmation prep is where kids learns the WHY of what we believe, the History of what we believe, and prepare to take ownership of their own souls, their own faith life, and their ongoing formation. As all adults should, but seldom do.
Every Archbishop here has insisted that we give teens the best catechesis we can, with a full 2 years of prep, mandatory spiritual retreats, and personal interaction with the pastor. Our kids do hours of community service as well. This serves to put into their hearts and schedules a place for helping others. A time for praying independently, and a love for learning about the church.
THAT is why we do it. If we return to simply covering it as infants, we do a disservice to the kids who are being catechized by the press, the television, the internet, and yes, by parents who hardly know what the church teaches either in some cases.
There’s a lack of vocations? I hardly think that leaving the teens to simply wander out of church because no one wants to work with them will boost vocations.
👍👍
 
Amen to the bolded part. We see this ALL the time, although I doubt if many CAF members believe it. Many of the regular posters on CAF are very knowledgeable in the faith, raised or are trying to raise their children well, despite outside negative influences of the culture, and have a rather rosy view of the Church. We see more people worried about altar rails than the state of the formation of the children.
The reality is that many Catholics don’t believe that missing Sunday Mass is a sin, don’t go or have not been to confession in years, (ask any child preparing for Reconciliation; they often say “my daddy says he hasn’t gone in 20 years and he’s not going to start now” ) or think that soccer or any other extracurricular activity is a valid excuse for missing.
THIS is the world that catechists face. And I believe, a huge reason why no one WANTS to teach the faith. I would love to see all the people who are wonderful here on CAF teach the children right up through High School. It might make a difference. The need is HUGE.
Sorry for the rant., but it’s so frustrating. We have kids who never returned to catechesis after First Communion in 2nd grade, and then show up in High School desiring a couple of quick session so they can get Confirmed. And the can’t make the sign of the cross and don’t know any of the prayers at Mass because they haven’t been since 2nd grade. But their parents know they’ve got to “get it done”. Punch my card, so we can get out of here.
Punch my card. 😦
Confirming in infancy will only make that worse. Catholics with a 2nd grade knowledge of the faith running around telling others what Catholics believe. Yeah, that’s a good idea.
Or reading about the position of the Bishops on Huffington Post. :rolleyes:
I know a ton of people disagree with me, but…
99% agree (and happy to be wrong 1% of the time!) 😃
 
I shouldn’t have said what I did before about “the easy way or the hard way.” Sometimes I get carried away when I get emotional. Let me ask you this one question though. Do you think that me not believing in religion makes me a bad person?
No, it doesn’t make you a bad person. But I think it makes you a confused person who is going through a stage of your own unique spiritual journey. Hopefully you will find your way back.
 
I just want to go my own way. I don’t want to go to church anymore. I don’t want to go through with something I don’t believe in. I don’t believe I am being rebellious.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but the above underlined part just screams out to me that you are trying desperately to gain some independence and personal understanding. I can understand not wanting to ‘go through the motions’ involving something you don’t believe in. You want to go your own way, but what is that way? What will you be doing to further explore that? I’m glad you still like going to school. I hope you continue to learn about Catholicism. Maybe without pressure and fighting and drama, you will come to understand it better.
 
Wow…did you read what you said. I just want my way. That attitude is really not acceptable in the Catholic religion or even in life. …You can’t possibly be that selfish…
It’s exactly that attitude that kept me chaste and somewhat unpopular when everyone else was getting in trouble. People are different. They channel their energy in different ways. Yes, it can be negative. But it can be positive too. My “I will have my way” attitude as a teenager in a Catholic high school put me up against teachers who told the class that, “the Eucharist isn’t real, it’s just a symbol”. Sometimes being aggressive and angry has it’s benefits in the right environment. If you think those teachers didn’t consider me selfish, arrogant and abrasive you are wrong. And maybe I was. After all, I took on the Dean, the religion teachers, and other students. But at least I stood up for what I believed in. I stood up for myself. But I was also considered very rebellious. It’s not wrong to make it all about you sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes.
 
MBeatty1999;12645322:
I just want to go my own way. I don’t want to go to church anymore. I don’t want to go through with something I don’t believe in. I don’t believe I am being rebellious.
That’s just about the definition of rebellious. Wanting to go your own way, especially while others are supporting you.

I understand wanting to be an adult, and make your own choices, and live your life. But you also don’t want to go get a job and support yourself. You want mom and dad to put a roof over your head and feed you.

**If you want to be a man, then you need to do what men do. ** And that is to take care of their responsibilities. Your responsibilities right now are very limited, as you are just beginning to take on the role of becoming a man. You have to get good grades and finish your education, you need to help out around the house (cleaning, etc), you need to get a part time job to support your activities, AND you need to obey your parents.

Don’t do anything rash. This is a tough time for you, as you’re transitioning from being a child to being a man. It’s not an easy transition. Keep some perspective on how you feel and what you believe or think you know. If you remember yourself just five years ago, I’ll bet you would consider yourself at that age to be much less knowledgable about the world and experienced. Just imagine what you will be like in 5, 10, or 15 years, and how you will look back on yourself now. I know looking back on myself at that age, now I can see how little I really knew. But at the time I thought I knew it all.

**Listen to your parents, obey them. It’s something men do. ** We live up to our responsibilities, and we respect our parents. Talk to your pastor about how you’re feeling, be honest and mature. Discuss with him your feelings and beliefs. Ask questions. But obey your parents. They want the best for you and have a lot more experience with the world.
Joining in late, but this gets my vote for best post on this thread!
I don’t care about their rules. I am going to refuse to go to church anymore. That whole thing about living under their roof is wrong. In my state, (NY), they are legally responsible for me until I turn 18. They can’t legally throw me out if I refuse to go to mass.
Your words sound like this is something much more than just “church.” Have you really considered this possibility?
 
Hi MBeatty1999,
This is just my two cents as a non-Catholic. Please take it for what it’s worth. Your mileage may vary, etc. 🙂

A person’s faith is a deeply personal matter and it sounds like you realize that. Others, no matter how well meaning they are, cannot drag someone else into heaven if that person doesn’t believe in God or basic Christian teachings. I agree with you on that.

Sharing your issue on this site is a good thing. You didn’t have to do it but I applaud your honesty. There are many Catholics here who can relate to your situation and provide good advice, and some have already done so quite well on this topic, I might add.

If I were your father, I would be saddened by your decision to not be confirmed but I would respect your decision because such an important decision should be done willingly and not under coercion.

It should be from the heart and not just an empty religious ceremony, which would be the case if you did it without believing in the significance of the sacrament.

However, so long as you live under your parent’s roof, you should agree to attend church with them out of respect, if nothing else. You should treat your parents with the honor that is due them and follow their rules in other areas, too, like chores, observing curfews, or whatever other family rules they have instituted until you are old enough to move out on your own and support yourself financially. By doing these things, it shows them that you are becoming a true man instead of just an impetuous boy.

You should attend Mass as long as you live under their roof as a gesture of compromise to them and to show you are mature enough to handle situations you may not like. We all have things in our lives we don’t enjoy doing. However, I agree with you that you shouldn’t be confirmed unless/until you are ready.

Whether or not you are confirmed in the Catholic Church one day, your parents will be your parents for as long as you live and you should strive for a relationship with them based on mutual respect and love, regardless of where you are at in your spiritual life.

Note: The older I get, the smarter my parents get. Who knows? The same may happen with you some day, so it’s best not to burn any bridges. All the best to you and your parents on this issue.
 
I don’t usually argue with my parents. I have no problem doing chores around the house. I don’t argue about things like no TV until my homework is done. This is one thing I feel very strongly about.
 
I don’t usually argue with my parents. I have no problem doing chores around the house. I don’t argue about things like no TV until my homework is done. This is one thing I feel very strongly about.
It’s a bit hard to create dialogue or to help you when you are centering everything about yourself. Everything you have posted up to this point has only ever been about what you want. You haven’t given consideration to the other posters by replying to their questions or commenting on what they’ve said. If you’re not willing to engage us in dialogue, to see any side that is different than yours, then why are you asking us questions? It seems you are already fixed on an answer. We’re offering you answers and asking questions, none of which you seem to want to consider. If you’re so intent on your own ways, I think that already shows your maturity level. I’d ask why you feel so strongly about this but I’d probably just be ignored again. We’re trying to help you here.
 
OP, I very much relate to what you say, though I was 12 at the time of my confirmation.

I wasn’t sure where I stood as far as my beliefs at that age. I was fine going to Mass, enjoyed it, enjoyed going to Catholic school etc. But I was not ready to commit for life.

Reading this thread, I now realize that what we were told during Confirmation preparation is not so. We were told that confirmation was us, as adults, saying we accept all the teachings and authority of the Church and we were soldiers and would literally fight to the point of death to defend the Church.

That was a tall order. At the age of 12 there was pretty much nothing I was ready to fight to the point of death for. We were told not to worry too much about that because we would be receiving more of the Holy Spirit and the strength to carry out what would be required of us would be supplied.

I didn’t feel like an adult, or soldier etc. Perhaps I was (and still am) too literal. I did not want to be confirmed. I did not want to be held responsible, the way they told me I was bound to be, to things I didn’t really understand and wasn’t sure I believed.

Basically we were told that at Baptism, we received grace but it was on our parents to see that we were taught the faith, brought up in the faith and received the sacraments…until now, when it was all on us.

Tall order.

Many times we were told during preparation to NOT go through with confirmation unless we were sure because to do so would be to put our souls in danger.

Fast forward, at 12, attending a Catholic school there is pretty much no way to not go through with confirmation. You don’t announce to your teachers and parents that you’re not doing it. When I was 12 parents were still spanking their kids, they had 100% of control over my life…saying no was actually not an option.

So I went through, terrified, knowing I had put my soul in immortal danger and basically lied to God and everyone else.

Now I see that confirmation had nothing to do with me and my feelings or choices, it was simply something done to me as a young person in the Church as completion of Baptism. If that is the case then I guess it was on my parents (as faithful members of the Church) to see that I was confirmed. Maybe their souls were in danger if they did not have me confirmed.

If that’s the case, then I can see why everyone was so adamant that confirmation take place, they had been charged with seeing we received the sacraments.

If that’s the case, then they are doing their jobs as parents, the way they do when they make sure you get medical care, go to school, etc. Whether or not you (or I) believe isn’t really the issue. They are doing what good parents do.

Now, since once you are baptized you are bound to follow the teachings of the Church, being confirmed on top of that, either by choice or out of respect for your parents, gives you more grace to help you stay faithful. If you have any seed of faith, confirmation can help that grow and mature.

I recall one of my teachers saying that he’d seen a lot of kids confirmed and that in some he really noticed a change in them, the power of the Holy Spirit working in them and maturing them, and in others he saw no change at all.

I guess this is a long way of saying, seems like confirmation can only help you better discern truth etc. If indeed it does not put it all on us and has little to do with whether we believe or not, then getting confirmed isn’t any personal promise or pledge for us, but rather for our parents and sponsors. It’s valid whether we agree or not. We receive grace whether we believe or not.
 
I don’t usually argue with my parents. I have no problem doing chores around the house. I don’t argue about things like no TV until my homework is done. This is one thing I feel very strongly about.
It’s great you have a decent relationship with your parents. Note is the time to discuss this with them. Tell them your feelings and beliefs, BUT also tell them you will obey by going to Mass but don’t want to get Confirmed as it would be a lie.

Now hopefully, all of this is not simply rebellion to get out of going to Mass. That’sjust being immature. Obey your parents rightful and simple request. I’ll leave you with this quote:

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. "
 
Today, I went to Mass. I didn’t argue about that. I have decided that I will wait until my father says something to me. He got home Friday night from his business trip. He hasn’t said anything to me yet. I am going to be respectful, not belligerent like I was on here before. I agree with what everybody was saying. My parents do want what’s best for me.
 
OP, I very much relate to what you say, though I was 12 at the time of my confirmation.

I wasn’t sure where I stood as far as my beliefs at that age. I was fine going to Mass, enjoyed it, enjoyed going to Catholic school etc. But I was not ready to commit for life.

Reading this thread, I now realize that what we were told during Confirmation preparation is not so. We were told that confirmation was us, as adults, saying we accept all the teachings and authority of the Church and we were soldiers and would literally fight to the point of death to defend the Church.

That was a tall order. At the age of 12 there was pretty much nothing I was ready to fight to the point of death for. We were told not to worry too much about that because we would be receiving more of the Holy Spirit and the strength to carry out what would be required of us would be supplied.

I didn’t feel like an adult, or soldier etc. Perhaps I was (and still am) too literal. I did not want to be confirmed. I did not want to be held responsible, the way they told me I was bound to be, to things I didn’t really understand and wasn’t sure I believed.

Basically we were told that at Baptism, we received grace but it was on our parents to see that we were taught the faith, brought up in the faith and received the sacraments…until now, when it was all on us.

Tall order.

Many times we were told during preparation to NOT go through with confirmation unless we were sure because to do so would be to put our souls in danger.

Fast forward, at 12, attending a Catholic school there is pretty much no way to not go through with confirmation. You don’t announce to your teachers and parents that you’re not doing it. When I was 12 parents were still spanking their kids, they had 100% of control over my life…saying no was actually not an option.

So I went through, terrified, knowing I had put my soul in immortal danger and basically lied to God and everyone else.

Now I see that confirmation had nothing to do with me and my feelings or choices, it was simply something done to me as a young person in the Church as completion of Baptism. If that is the case then I guess it was on my parents (as faithful members of the Church) to see that I was confirmed. Maybe their souls were in danger if they did not have me confirmed.

If that’s the case, then I can see why everyone was so adamant that confirmation take place, they had been charged with seeing we received the sacraments.

If that’s the case, then they are doing their jobs as parents, the way they do when they make sure you get medical care, go to school, etc. Whether or not you (or I) believe isn’t really the issue. They are doing what good parents do.

Now, since once you are baptized you are bound to follow the teachings of the Church, being confirmed on top of that, either by choice or out of respect for your parents, gives you more grace to help you stay faithful. If you have any seed of faith, confirmation can help that grow and mature.

I recall one of my teachers saying that he’d seen a lot of kids confirmed and that in some he really noticed a change in them, the power of the Holy Spirit working in them and maturing them, and in others he saw no change at all.

I guess this is a long way of saying, seems like confirmation can only help you better discern truth etc. If indeed it does not put it all on us and has little to do with whether we believe or not, then getting confirmed isn’t any personal promise or pledge for us, but rather for our parents and sponsors. It’s valid whether we agree or not. We receive grace whether we believe or not.
It sounds to me like you were really overthinking this as a kid! If I had thought about it that way I would have been reluctant too! But it was 4th grade, I didn’t overthink. It was a sacrament. It gave grace. It was fine with me. I know it’s off topic, but it sounds like yet another argument for doing it earlier rather than making kids overthink the process!
 
Today, I went to Mass. I didn’t argue about that. I have decided that I will wait until my father says something to me. He got home Friday night from his business trip. He hasn’t said anything to me yet. I am going to be respectful, not belligerent like I was on here before. I agree with what everybody was saying. My parents do want what’s best for me.
👍
 
OP, I very much relate to what you say, though I was 12 at the time of my confirmation.

I wasn’t sure where I stood as far as my beliefs at that age. I was fine going to Mass, enjoyed it, enjoyed going to Catholic school etc. But I was not ready to commit for life.

Reading this thread, I now realize that what we were told during Confirmation preparation is not so. We were told that confirmation was us, as adults, saying we accept all the teachings and authority of the Church and we were soldiers and would literally fight to the point of death to defend the Church.

That was a tall order. At the age of 12 there was pretty much nothing I was ready to fight to the point of death for. We were told not to worry too much about that because we would be receiving more of the Holy Spirit and the strength to carry out what would be required of us would be supplied.

I didn’t feel like an adult, or soldier etc. Perhaps I was (and still am) too literal. I did not want to be confirmed. I did not want to be held responsible, the way they told me I was bound to be, to things I didn’t really understand and wasn’t sure I believed.

Basically we were told that at Baptism, we received grace but it was on our parents to see that we were taught the faith, brought up in the faith and received the sacraments…until now, when it was all on us.

Tall order.

Many times we were told during preparation to NOT go through with confirmation unless we were sure because to do so would be to put our souls in danger.

Fast forward, at 12, attending a Catholic school there is pretty much no way to not go through with confirmation. You don’t announce to your teachers and parents that you’re not doing it. When I was 12 parents were still spanking their kids, they had 100% of control over my life…saying no was actually not an option.

So I went through, terrified, knowing I had put my soul in immortal danger and basically lied to God and everyone else.

Now I see that confirmation had nothing to do with me and my feelings or choices, it was simply something done to me as a young person in the Church as completion of Baptism. If that is the case then I guess it was on my parents (as faithful members of the Church) to see that I was confirmed. Maybe their souls were in danger if they did not have me confirmed.

If that’s the case, then I can see why everyone was so adamant that confirmation take place, they had been charged with seeing we received the sacraments.

If that’s the case, then they are doing their jobs as parents, the way they do when they make sure you get medical care, go to school, etc. Whether or not you (or I) believe isn’t really the issue. They are doing what good parents do.

Now, since once you are baptized you are bound to follow the teachings of the Church, being confirmed on top of that, either by choice or out of respect for your parents, gives you more grace to help you stay faithful. If you have any seed of faith, confirmation can help that grow and mature.

I recall one of my teachers saying that he’d seen a lot of kids confirmed and that in some he really noticed a change in them, the power of the Holy Spirit working in them and maturing them, and in others he saw no change at all.

I guess this is a long way of saying, seems like confirmation can only help you better discern truth etc. If indeed it does not put it all on us and has little to do with whether we believe or not, then getting confirmed isn’t any personal promise or pledge for us, but rather for our parents and sponsors. It’s valid whether we agree or not. We receive grace whether we believe or not.
That isn’t the case at my school. Like I said, there is no rule saying you have to be confirmed to go to my school. You don’t even have to be Catholic. There is a Jewish guy in my class. There are several Protestants.
 
Today, I went to Mass. I didn’t argue about that. I have decided that I will wait until my father says something to me. He got home Friday night from his business trip. He hasn’t said anything to me yet. I am going to be respectful, not belligerent like I was on here before. I agree with what everybody was saying. My parents do want what’s best for me.
Nice! Looks like you have grown up a lot the last few days…
You remind me of my second child, a little rebel at first but as you get to know her she has a great loving, if not strong willed, personality.
 
MBeatty:
Conicidentally, or perhaps providentially, this appeared in my e-mail this morning. The only credentials I could find for the author is that he is a religious ed instructor, but the article is well written and maybe your parents will be open to reading it. Gives pause for thought here:
Rethinking the Age for Confirmation
But what if she doesn’t want to be confirmed—what then? Would she be brave enough to tell us? What’s more, would we be brave enough to give her the freedom to hold off? And if we push her to receive the sacrament with her class—whether out of pious concern or social conformity—what would upshot be? Resentment most likely, and maybe even a reinforced cynicism with an added layer of complicit hypocrisy. In any case, certainly not the enthusiasm for living the faith that the sacrament signifies…
For many families, however, the challenges I described above are not theoretical—we actually hear about them pretty regularly in our own parish catechetical ministry. Yet, it really shouldn’t be a surprise, especially if we remember that we ourselves starting wrestling with big ideas (including our faith) around the same age. The teen years are often a rocky, rebellious period, and there’s no doubt that strong parental guidance will be required throughout. Nonetheless, it’s vitally important for teenagers to start thinking for themselves and making their own decisions. “If at every stage of his life man desires to be his own person,” St. John Paul II observed, “during his youth he desires it even more strongly.”
Perhaps you and your parents could make an appointment with your pastor and just lay it all out on the table.
 
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