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chevalier
Guest
Inspired by BlueEyedLady’s recent thread and driven by a selfless devotion to science and all that jazz.
So how did you know?
So how did you know?
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Chiltepin
Guest
It took too long and almost a wedding for me to figure it out, but I remember the thoughts that without a doubt ended it for me and kept me from going back again. Realizing that the apprehension over wether or not I could be a stay at home mom was related to me wanting to be around the hypothetical children more than him each day so that they wouldn’t be like him. I realized I didn’t want to have his kids. I had always wanted to have kids but I really couldn’t stand the thought of having his. I’m so glad I called it off because I married a man who was right for me and we are having a baby in July. I have no apprehension about the baby being like him. 
Mary_Gail_36
New member
I had a very stupid on my part relationship with a narcissitic, pathological liar.
He lied about his age, about his profession, and last but not least he lied about having a fatal brain tumor…that was diagnosed by way of a wisdom tooth extraction, but “I’m all better now, it insults me you don’t believe me”
Being codependant was not fun.
A close friend told me after the break-up that I never seemed myself, I always seemed frightened. 20 years after the fact, I don’t know what I saw in him, and why I would let him treat me that way.
He lied about his age, about his profession, and last but not least he lied about having a fatal brain tumor…that was diagnosed by way of a wisdom tooth extraction, but “I’m all better now, it insults me you don’t believe me”
Being codependant was not fun.
A close friend told me after the break-up that I never seemed myself, I always seemed frightened. 20 years after the fact, I don’t know what I saw in him, and why I would let him treat me that way.
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One_Church
Guest
Loooooooooong time ago…silly high school relationship…but…she was not for me when she could hurt me when I would never think of doing that to her. Once a relationship gets to the point where someone thinks more about themselves than their partner it’s probably not going to last.
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CarrieH
Guest
First he lied to me about some things, and then he joined the Church of Scientology…and tried to convert me. 
bye-bye!
bye-bye!
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Bezant
Guest
When I realised that I could do loads better, for loads less. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t realise my ex was an opportunist, so much as I thought I couldn’t do better. We were on a date and she thought it was a good opportunity for me to help her with revisions. 
I still see her now and then, civilly, and I can’t believe what I was all bothered about. Sure, she still has the qualities I always admired about her: ambition, confidence, intelligence. But for the most part, she has little or none of the values I now look for: respect, tact, a committed spiritual life, a committed family life. At least I came away from that relationship knowing what I definitely did not want from a woman, and that it was better to be happy and single than miserable, in a relationship with someone I wouldn’t want even as a friend.
I still see her now and then, civilly, and I can’t believe what I was all bothered about. Sure, she still has the qualities I always admired about her: ambition, confidence, intelligence. But for the most part, she has little or none of the values I now look for: respect, tact, a committed spiritual life, a committed family life. At least I came away from that relationship knowing what I definitely did not want from a woman, and that it was better to be happy and single than miserable, in a relationship with someone I wouldn’t want even as a friend.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
I’d like to say it was when he took my car, ransacked my apartment, threw out some of my belongings and kept my car away from me for over 24 hours. But I still kept seeing him. I’d like to say it was when he broke into my apartment at night, came and woke me up and wanted me to get back together with him. But I still shacked up with him.
I knew he was not for me on the night I finally knew it. And then I never saw him again.
I knew he was not for me on the night I finally knew it. And then I never saw him again.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
He told me that he was gay. That ended our engagement in a hurry!
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
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Debora123
Guest
I think the very first sign was when I found out he smoked cigarettes. Of course, being a stupid 16 year old that I was, I tried to overlook that and gave him a chance anyway.Inspired by BlueEyedLady’s recent thread and driven by a selfless devotion to science and all that jazz.
So how did you know?
A year later, and after many more “signs”, I finally broke up with him.
What a complete waste of my time that was…
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Gordon_Sims
Guest
When she started having group sex with strangers. Sure, we’d broken up at that point, and there had been some warning signs before then, but there was still a glimmer of hope that we’d be able to get back together and hash things out. I reconsidered very quickly after that.So how did you know?
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ShanaA1984
Guest
Sadly it took 8 years and him cheating on me repeatedly for me to realize he was not for me but in the end ending it was also the easiest thing I had ever done.
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Kelfa28
Guest
Goes to show how blind love works sometimes…you literally can’t see why a person is not right for you.
My first serious relationship when I was 22. We dated for a couple of years and he broke up with me when I started asking about more commitment…such as engagement and possibly marriage.
Thank-God because it took another year for me to figure out how wrong we were for each other.
My first serious relationship when I was 22. We dated for a couple of years and he broke up with me when I started asking about more commitment…such as engagement and possibly marriage.
Thank-God because it took another year for me to figure out how wrong we were for each other.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Me too. But I’m grateful it happened. He’s still a very close friend (he’s my bridal attendant of honor and still spends every holiday with my family, who all adore him) and it gave me the chance to meet a man that I’m far more compatible with on every level.
Glad it happened BEFORE the marriage!!!
Actually, him and my fiance have become very close. My ex will always be considered a part of my family, and I knew that my current fiance was the one for me when he made it clear that he fully accepted and supported that.
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Bezant
Guest
Don’t doubt for a second that you were lucky. This happened to my godmother, after almost 30 years of marriage and four children.
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twoangels
Guest
I had “known” he was the one for a long time. We both knew that we knew it. There was no doubt. My parents supported it. My mother was engrossed in it. Things were great.
Then he surprised me with the fact that he no longer or never did find going to any church service important. I had not considered marrying a Catholic all that important until he started talking about converting. I began dreaming about going to Mass together as a family and had held that dream for over a year. I started picturing my life with God and church as something completely seperate from a life with my husband. I didn’t like the idea and for the first time I since I’d been so sure, I questioned whether I wanted to marry him. I was bothered by this and I asked him if he had ever questioned it since and he said no, but then expressed he was hurt that it had crossed my mind because of something as petty as religion. I told him I needed time to pray and discern what was going on in my heart. I spent a good portion of the rest of the day in prayer and discussing things with my Dad. Ultimately I decided the relationship was still valuable enough to continue but that I needed to change my approach to it with a more discerning eye. I felt I had spiritually grown and reached a new level of wisdom or something about how to approach my dating relationship. My Dad complimented me for this and told me I was becoming wiser.
I called him up to talk and discuss with him what I had discerned. He said some statements that confused me till I asked him “wait are you saying you’re now unsure about this?” I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up and he said he was thinking about it. He would not explain to me clearly what he was thinking and kept insisting he wanted to talk to someone else. He then asked to speak to my mom. He spoke to my mom on the phone for a half an hour. My mom said he talked in circles the entire time and she did not understand what he was getting at. I spoke to him before I went to bed and he said he’d get back to me with his decision the next day. I spoke to him the following afternoon and he seemed amazingly cheerful and far more at ease than the previous day, but didn’t bring up the subject. Finally I brought it up. He insisted we had broken up the previous day and would not tell me why he’d made his decision. He denied all my direct questions “Is it this reason? Is it this reason?” I had to learn to live with no resolution or explanation that I found could be understood. I questioned his honesty and openness with me and ultimately decided my confusion was due to him not being open with me about much at all. His lack of openness seemingly made it seem like he had gone from extreemly in love and dedicated to me to just overnight changing his mind with no explanation.
I came to realize that judging a relationship by gut feelings of just “knowing” like its some spiritual sign from God that this person is a part of your destiny is romantic nonsense. I realized that when Christ spoke about marriages, he was speaking to a culture with arranged marriages, he was affirming the institution of marriage, not the notion of romantic love or soulmates. In the end, who you marry is your choice and how in love you were before you married really has no bearing on how well you love each other in a marriage. If anything it creates false expectations for marriage where its considered normal to leave that “honeymoon” stage and then finally realize that your spouse isn’t perfect and gets on your nerves.
I don’t believe in “the one.” I’m not a romantic. I believe God designed marriage not so that couples can keep the flame alive, but so that couples can learn to love each other more and more sincerely and genuinely every day. My Dad has always said he loves my mom more and more everyday. He’s not the romantic. My Mom loves my Dad, but she is a romantic and seems to fail to acknowledge that her levels of comfort, appreciation, care…etc…that’s all authentic love. That fletting excitement she felt when their relationship with fresh is an egotistical “love.” And I do think my Mom and Dad have a great relationship. I just realized that while they do, Mom doesn’t understand why they do. She thinks its because “she knew”, but its really because they both mutually choose love everyday. And I think because my Dad knows its a choice, he’s far more willful about his duty to love her and I think does a better job at loving her than she does loving him. So ultimately I learned Dad’s got the wisdom. Mom’s still believing in fairy tales.
Then he surprised me with the fact that he no longer or never did find going to any church service important. I had not considered marrying a Catholic all that important until he started talking about converting. I began dreaming about going to Mass together as a family and had held that dream for over a year. I started picturing my life with God and church as something completely seperate from a life with my husband. I didn’t like the idea and for the first time I since I’d been so sure, I questioned whether I wanted to marry him. I was bothered by this and I asked him if he had ever questioned it since and he said no, but then expressed he was hurt that it had crossed my mind because of something as petty as religion. I told him I needed time to pray and discern what was going on in my heart. I spent a good portion of the rest of the day in prayer and discussing things with my Dad. Ultimately I decided the relationship was still valuable enough to continue but that I needed to change my approach to it with a more discerning eye. I felt I had spiritually grown and reached a new level of wisdom or something about how to approach my dating relationship. My Dad complimented me for this and told me I was becoming wiser.
I called him up to talk and discuss with him what I had discerned. He said some statements that confused me till I asked him “wait are you saying you’re now unsure about this?” I asked him if he was thinking about breaking up and he said he was thinking about it. He would not explain to me clearly what he was thinking and kept insisting he wanted to talk to someone else. He then asked to speak to my mom. He spoke to my mom on the phone for a half an hour. My mom said he talked in circles the entire time and she did not understand what he was getting at. I spoke to him before I went to bed and he said he’d get back to me with his decision the next day. I spoke to him the following afternoon and he seemed amazingly cheerful and far more at ease than the previous day, but didn’t bring up the subject. Finally I brought it up. He insisted we had broken up the previous day and would not tell me why he’d made his decision. He denied all my direct questions “Is it this reason? Is it this reason?” I had to learn to live with no resolution or explanation that I found could be understood. I questioned his honesty and openness with me and ultimately decided my confusion was due to him not being open with me about much at all. His lack of openness seemingly made it seem like he had gone from extreemly in love and dedicated to me to just overnight changing his mind with no explanation.
I came to realize that judging a relationship by gut feelings of just “knowing” like its some spiritual sign from God that this person is a part of your destiny is romantic nonsense. I realized that when Christ spoke about marriages, he was speaking to a culture with arranged marriages, he was affirming the institution of marriage, not the notion of romantic love or soulmates. In the end, who you marry is your choice and how in love you were before you married really has no bearing on how well you love each other in a marriage. If anything it creates false expectations for marriage where its considered normal to leave that “honeymoon” stage and then finally realize that your spouse isn’t perfect and gets on your nerves.
I don’t believe in “the one.” I’m not a romantic. I believe God designed marriage not so that couples can keep the flame alive, but so that couples can learn to love each other more and more sincerely and genuinely every day. My Dad has always said he loves my mom more and more everyday. He’s not the romantic. My Mom loves my Dad, but she is a romantic and seems to fail to acknowledge that her levels of comfort, appreciation, care…etc…that’s all authentic love. That fletting excitement she felt when their relationship with fresh is an egotistical “love.” And I do think my Mom and Dad have a great relationship. I just realized that while they do, Mom doesn’t understand why they do. She thinks its because “she knew”, but its really because they both mutually choose love everyday. And I think because my Dad knows its a choice, he’s far more willful about his duty to love her and I think does a better job at loving her than she does loving him. So ultimately I learned Dad’s got the wisdom. Mom’s still believing in fairy tales.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
^ Great story, and that guy was NOT who he made himself out to be, and I am SO glad you did not marry him!!! I’m sure you are too, as well as your parents. I love the insight you have gained from all of that, especially about how your dad is the one who really understands the CHOICE of married love.
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ringil
Guest
If a girl smoked that was an instant disqualifyer for me. . . . UUUUCCCCKKK!!!
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1inICXC
Guest
When I met my husband, 3 days later.
I had other reasons to break up with him initially but kind of left a door open for reconciliation, just in case.
I was closer to my husband and we knew more about each other after a couple of months than I was with my ex of almost 1 year. It is incredible to see the difference between someone you connect with and someone whom just has a bunch of qualities that you like,
I had other reasons to break up with him initially but kind of left a door open for reconciliation, just in case.
I was closer to my husband and we knew more about each other after a couple of months than I was with my ex of almost 1 year. It is incredible to see the difference between someone you connect with and someone whom just has a bunch of qualities that you like,
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Luna_Lovecraft
Guest
He told me that if we were going to have a future together I had to get rid of my cats.Inspired by BlueEyedLady’s recent thread and driven by a selfless devotion to science and all that jazz.
So how did you know?
My response? “Bye!”
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