I left the Church

[Paris_Blues]

jman507:

Hi Paris,

Have you meet one of Satan’s favorite demons? He goes by the name of pride. Please shake his hand, he’s been waiting to meet you face to face.

Yes and I was afraid pride was getting in the way too. Can you believe my conscience told me that?

Go to the priest. Relax yourself, and humble yourself. While you shouldn’t try to sin, the problem is not so much sinning that will get you kicked off the vine of life, its sinning and saying or acting like you have not sinned. If you acknowldge your sin, going to confession if need be, you are still faithful.

I e-mailed him and waiting for him to reply. I’m trying to humble myself by letting myself know that there IS something wrong with me both spiritually and mentally (didn’t I mention that I’m effected with attention deficit disorder, an all-hell-breaks-loose condition?)

Lose your pride, you are weak and a sinner. So is everyone else, no one is able to earn their way into heaven, so relax you don’t need to get in that way. God gave you Jesus, the Church, the Bible, and the sacraments to help you. God knows full well you will fall, what God wants you to do is to not lose faith but to get back up and keep trying. He can forgive everything but that. He can forgive you turning your back, so long as you once again turn back to ask for forgiveness. He is even more forgiving than the father of the Prodigal Son.

Yes, I told myself that too that I’m way too weak and the worst sinner. I hope you’re right about the forgiveness.

 

[kamz]

Paris, GET HELP, you very obviously have depression, I’m thinking very much bipolar, I know, I’ve suffered with it, extreme highs and then extreme lows, a huge zest for life, church, God and then boom, you lose all that excitement and you have to look for the next big high, this is very serious and you’ll never be happy with anything or anyone until you get some very serious help, this is simply not normal, get some help for this.!!!

 

[maryalene]

With all due respect Paris, your online persona comes across as either a troll or manic depressive. It might be good to talk with a priest, but if you have these mood swings in real life, you might want to talk to a doctor too, if you haven’t already.

 

[kamz]

Della:

Listen girl. This constant flip-flopping isn’t normal. One minute you love God and everybody and the next you hate God and everybody. You’ve posted I don’t know how many posts in which you are running either hot or cold, and that’s just not right.

You need professional help with your scrupulosity because it is eating up your life and not allowing you to simply believe in God nor rest in his promises nor participate in the life of the Church in the Sacraments.

Talk to your priest first. He will be able to recommend someone solid to help you with this problem. And for goodness sake stop judging God and the Church by your emotional well-being. Believe me, both God and the Church are what they are whether you feel like you have faith or not. You do have a very deep faith, but you are allowing your scrupulosity to ruin it as well as your whole life. Get help now! You have my prayers.

Amen, Paris, you keep posting but you don’t take our advice, do you really want to hear our advice or do you just enjoy stirring up the pot? I’m sorry but when I read all your many, many posts, you seem to either have a serious problem or you enjoy stirring things up, you never take the advice given, not once have you said, yes, I’m going to seek help, do you really want help or is this a game?

 

[Paris_Blues]

kamz:

Paris, GET HELP, you very obviously have depression, I’m thinking very much bipolar, I know, I’ve suffered with it, extreme highs and then extreme lows, a huge zest for life, church, God and then boom, you lose all that excitement and you have to look for the next big high, this is very serious and you’ll never be happy with anything or anyone until you get some very serious help, this is simply not normal, get some help for this.!!!

I sure hope not it’s bipolar. I already was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (btw, depression IS a part of that you know) and that’s hell enough and to have bipolar will cause me to become more miserable. But yes, I KNOW something is wrong and will go see the doc next time I visit him.

 

[kamz]

Paris Blues:

Yes and I was afraid pride was getting in the way too. Can you believe my conscience told me that?

I e-mailed him and waiting for him to reply. I’m trying to humble myself by letting myself know that there IS something wrong with me both spiritually and mentally (didn’t I mention that I’m effected with attention deficit disorder, an all-hell-breaks-loose condition?)

Yes, I told myself that too that I’m way too weak and the worst sinner. I hope you’re right about the forgiveness.

My cousin has suffered with Severe ADD his whole life, he is 26 and has to take meds to keep it under control, you are not alone in this, but instead of jumping from one thing to a next, admit to yourself that you have a problem, the Catholic church is the one true and only church in my opinion and Paris you need help, so just tell yourself, “I’m going to take this one day at a time” don’t make all these decisions like “I’m leaving the church” you very much are not in the right frame of mind, so just give yourself time to get better before making such a foolish decision, God knows you are having a hard time, he is not some evil God who waits to jump out from the dark corner and say “gotcha” he is loving and caring and he knows exactly what your going through, he knows you can’t make big decisions right now, so just take life one day at a time and get some serious help from a priest and then from a therapist, I don’t care what church you go to you’ll always find something wrong becuase something in your brain is not ok and until that is under control, you will Never be happy.

 

[Flopfoot]

Hmmm… not sure if this is good advice or not but try think less about theological stuff and more about moral stuff… like for eg., not long ago you wouldn’t have even understood what the Eucharist was (many non Catholic will ask “how can it look like bread taste like bread but be Jesus?”) so why are you so surprised now that you can’t understand why you don’t have a desire for it or feel upset when you can’t have it or whatever? It’s hard to understand everything and it’s hard to have faith sometimes. And I agree, sometimes we can even not care if we go to Hell because Hell seems so abstract and so far away (you’re 21, you don’t look like you’re gonna die any time soon). It’s hard to understand that stuff. But it’s easier to understand that you shouldn’t steal a ring from the jewellers. You don’t have to be religious to understand that, because we all have a conscience. This might be a new way to try approaching God - rather than thinking about the abstract and about stuff which is gonna happen later, concentrate on trying to do the right thing rather than the wrong thing in your life (in simple terms… like the stuff everyone should know is right and wrong), and whenever you do the wrong thing (like fighting with your family), try making a resolution to not do that again. This will make a good foundation for you to try to rebuild your faith on. You’ll soon start to understand sin and confession and forgiveness better. You’ll start to realise, that when you do the right thing it makes you feel great because that’s what your conscience directs you towards - thats what God wants. But despite your best intentions sometimes you will do the wrong thing. God is happy to forrgive, though - thats what confession is for (read the story of the prodigal son). Then, you can go to confession to have your sin forgiven and try to avoid that sin in future. Once you can do this with practical things (which shouldnt cause you to be incredibly scrupulous, I hope) then you can start concentrating on the more theological things… where did you go wrong with your attitudes towards the Eucharist, and etc. Just diving into the deep end is getting you nowhere. Remember, to destroy a house can be done quickly, with a single swing of a wrecking ball. But there’s no reverse process to quickly build a house in one go. It must be done slowly. You want to kick the devil’s butt, well fighting the devil properly doesn’t actually look anything like a fight. It takes much longer and consists of you persevering, always slowly getting closer to God and not letting the devil drag you off. God Bless, I wish you all the best as you come back to the Church and to God.

 

[Paris_Blues]

kamz:

Amen, Paris, you keep posting but you don’t take our advice, do you really want to hear our advice or do you just enjoy stirring up the pot? I’m sorry but when I read all your many, many posts, you seem to either have a serious problem or you enjoy stirring things up, you never take the advice given, not once have you said, yes, I’m going to seek help, do you really want help or is this a game?

I DO want to take your advice and I just contacted the priest not too long ago.

Look, I myself KNOW I have a serious problem. I knew that 11 years ago when I got diagnosed with my other problem. I also want to let you know that when you have attention deficit disorder like myself (believe me, I don’t wish it on anyone), you tend to be more hyper with words and you’re so easily tormented mentally with thoughts, being too scrupulous, etc. etc. because the brain is so messed-up. If you had it, you would get the idea.

 

[antonius]

Paris Blues:

Yes, I told myself that too that I’m way too weak and the worst sinner. I hope you’re right about the forgiveness.

He’s definitely right about the forgiveness.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39)

Paris, you are an integral member of the Communion of Saints. No matter what you have ever done, you are loved more than you can possibly imagine! I’m holding you up in prayer.

 

[RobNY]

I’ve lost my zeal and even my faith so what’s the point?

Not to mention I couldn’t recieve the Eucharist anyways

What’s the problem dear? The honeymoon’s over and you want to give up?

Zeal is like romantic love-- it spurs you into the marriage, but it sure as hell doesn’t keep you there.

You seem to have this false image that things are all hunky-dory once you get into the Church. That you go to confession and suddenly you lose your sins completely. (That is-- to correct any false impressions, that you’ll suddenly stop sinning now that you’ve been to confession any number of times, not that you aren’t completely absolved of all of your sins-- you are.)

Christ says the opposite. Pick up your cross and follow me. You have to pick up your cross every single day. Things get harder before they get easier; the night gets darker before the dawn breaks through the clouds.

This is what my confessor tells me. It’s not as if you can invent *new *sins. It’s not going to happen. The same people will struggle with the *same *sins again and again. But confession is forgiveness from God and permission to let go of the sins. Never underestimate the other side of confession. I absolve you of your sins, he says. And he does. They’re gone. Drop them and go in happiness.

Yes, you’ll sin again. So will we all, but as long as you keep going back you’ll get stronger. It may be hard to see from your perspective, but that is what is happening. What do you think Jesus meant when he said *he who endures to the end will be saved *(Matt 24:13)? Do you think perseverance is easy? It isn’t. And you can only gain the grace of final perseverance through God’s grace. And that means continually humbling yourself before God.

When you realize what God wants of you, sin takes on a different meaning. I shouldn’t say what God wants of you, I should merely say God wants you. And he wants all of you. Not a bit less.

Once you realize that God wants all of you that’s when you learn how to avoid sin better. Whatever it is that keeps you from being all of God’s is what leads you to sin. It’s the type of radical obedience to God that leads you away from sin. The problem is that none of us *want *to let go of ourselves, to abandon ourselves to God.

It’s an easy thing to intellectualize what faith is. But faith is really your light when all other lights go out. You’re going to come across moments and situations where you have nothing but faith to fall back-- like in your situation. Like I said, it’s easy to intellectualize faith, but it is hard to live it. I’m *terrible *at it. But I’m learning, I think. You’re read the story of Peter walking on water, right? Peter is one of the closest apostles to Jesus, and even *he *falters on the water and begins to sink. Oh ye of little faith, Christ says. When the swells rise up around us and the wind seems strong it’s so easy to take our eyes off of Christ and mistake that-- that is, our not seeing Christ-- for his not being there.

It is by putting that radical obedience of faith into action and abandoning yourself to Christ completely that starts you on the path of truly getting rid of your sins. But most of us fail at that rather miserably, our pride clings on. We’d rather take meager pleasures in the here and now rather than let go of the transient and distracting things and press on towards the goal for the prize of upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

 

[RobNY]

So, don’t despair when it comes to confession. We all have recurring problems that we try *so so *hard to overcome, and we can’t. Just keep persevering in it.

Guess what. We all fall into mortal sin. I think some of us were and are hurt by this conception that mortal sin is this horrible, terrible thing that we never do (it is horrible and terrible, I suppose, but it isn’t something that is rare). That idea is clearly BS. Falling into mortal sin is something that happens to all of us. If it wasn’t, then Jesus wouldn’t have given the apostles the power to forgive sins. It happens. Go to confession.

And don’t do something silly like skipping out of Church because you can’t receive. Your Sunday obligation is in no way connected to receiving the Eucharist. As you can see, it only makes things worse. There’s this weird pull of sin. It begs us, pleads with us to do it, to sin more. And after we sin we feel terrible, because we know we’ve done something wrong. And at this point we say to ourselves,* you know, that wasn’t so great after all, why did I ever do this? *And we tell ourselves, next time I’ll realize that it really isn’t so great, I won’t do it again. But… for some demented reason we do do it again, and again we realize how empty and unfulfilling sin is, and we tell ourselves the same thing again. And maybe we even commit it again. That’s just the power sin has on us-- but every time it’s cold, clammy fingers grip you, go to confession.

I personally recommend putting your mind at ease this way. Go to confession on Saturdays before the Vigil Mass, and go to the Vigil Mass. This way, whatever sins you are ‘saving up,’ during the week you can confess, receive absolution, and immediately go and receive. I think you need to focus less on *hellfire *and more on the abudant, estatic joy with which God receives sinners who are repentant. Do yourself a favor and read Luke 15.

Oh and, by the way. I think you may need some help. Your behavior seems very erratic. Please take the advice of Sherlock and Della and see if you need help. Because if you *do *have a mental problem, you don’t have to live with it. You can probably treat it in some way, and that’s worlds better than not knowing if you have it, and not knowing how to cope with it.

-Rob

 

[Tonks40]

kamz:

Paris, GET HELP, you very obviously have depression, I’m thinking very much bipolar, I know, I’ve suffered with it, extreme highs and then extreme lows, a huge zest for life, church, God and then boom, you lose all that excitement and you have to look for the next big high, this is very serious and you’ll never be happy with anything or anyone until you get some very serious help, this is simply not normal, get some help for this.!!!

I’m thinking along the same lines, Paris. I know you are quite animated with your posts, but by the way you describe your actions and your feelings, this seems to indicate something of a mental health nature.

Before you start wigging out on the words ‘bipolar’ - get some help. Contact Catholic Charities or your parish to see about getting some referrals for a psychiatric medical evaluation for depression/bipolar. Once you get diagnosed (or re-diagnosed in your case), then abide by the recommendations of the MD and go to counseling.

I’m bipolar - as are some of the members of this board. If you need help in this area, feel free to PM me. It’s not shameful to have this condition, just another cross to bear. With the grace that God has instilled in you, you have already been given the tools and weapons to help you with this struggle. I know - I’ve been there.

One of the things you have to remember (and I liberally take this quote from many of the Christians I’ve encountered) is that “God does not make junk!” You are a Child of God, one who has been called to follow him. Take this great gift, and use it to your potential. He cannot be upset or angry at you for weaknesses. Your desire to be close to Him is very pleasing to Him - you must try and continue to live in the graces the Lord has given you. It’s the least you can do.

I’ll pray for you, Paris - you are in my heart, as also with the Lord’s.

Peace.
Tonks40

BTW - did you ever get a chance to pick up the book “Story of A Soul” that I recommended to you on another thread?

 

[Paris_Blues]

My gosh, I KNOW I got myself in a terrible situation. I think the ADD has a lot to do with it too I think.

All I can say is that I HOPE it is for my own good and hope it strengthens me spiritually and my faith!

 

[Paris_Blues]

I diagnosed myself with bipolar a couple weeks ago. My gosh, sigh I cannot bear anymore mental problems. Really I can’t. ADD is bad enough, I don’t need MORE mental garbage on top of this. Really. I cannot deal or handle it (but then again, someone will tell me I have more problems for not being able to handle what I’ve already been diagnosed with. ) I’ve told God awhile back that I cannot deal with it and He knows it so why does He give us this “stuff” anyways? I know it’s our “cross” but I swear I have “double crosses” and it ain’t cool. It’s a burden enough that I can’t - I repeat, CAN’T - go on.

Well, I guess I am psycho!:crying:

Tonks40:

I’m thinking along the same lines, Paris. I know you are quite animated with your posts, but by the way you describe your actions and your feelings, this seems to indicate something of a mental health nature.

Before you start wigging out on the words ‘bipolar’ - get some help. Contact Catholic Charities or your parish to see about getting some referrals for a psychiatric medical evaluation for depression/bipolar. Once you get diagnosed (or re-diagnosed in your case), then abide by the recommendations of the MD and go to counseling.

I’m bipolar - as are some of the members of this board. If you need help in this area, feel free to PM me. It’s not shameful to have this condition, just another cross to bear. With the grace that God has instilled in you, you have already been given the tools and weapons to help you with this struggle. I know - I’ve been there.

One of the things you have to remember (and I liberally take this quote from many of the Christians I’ve encountered) is that “God does not make junk!” You are a Child of God, one who has been called to follow him. Take this great gift, and use it to your potential. He cannot be upset or angry at you for weaknesses. Your desire to be close to Him is very pleasing to Him - you must try and continue to live in the graces the Lord has given you. It’s the least you can do.

I’ll pray for you, Paris - you are in my heart, as also with the Lord’s.

Peace.
Tonks40

BTW - did you ever get a chance to pick up the book “Story of A Soul” that I recommended to you on another thread?

 

[kamz]

Paris Blues:

My gosh, I KNOW I got myself in a terrible situation. I think the ADD has a lot to do with it too I think.

All I can say is that I HOPE it is for my own good and hope it strengthens me spiritually and my faith!

Paris, Listen, I know what you are going through, I have lived with severe anxiety and panic disorder for 10 years and depression but… I am also a wife and mom to four kids, I can either let my illness control me and make my life miserable or I can own my illness, yes, I have a problem but, I will see my therapist and take the medication that helps to keep my illness in check, I used to blame a lot of my problems on my illness but at some point my mom said “so, you know this is a problem, you know you have to take your meds and you know if you don’t you’ll have this problem”
Paris, take control, admit you have a problem and you can’t make a rational decision right now, God knows what you are going through, so take life a day at a time and don’t leave the church, that is not the answer at all, getting help for your illness is number one and the rest will have to wait, you very obviously can’t make a rational decison in this frame of mind, so I’m going to ignore your post about leaving the church, and I’m going to pray for you to get the help you need from a professional.
Take it one day at a time and until you get that professional help don’t make any big decisions, you will only regret them.

 

[shannin]

Paris,

Please read and re-read the message that IanS has sent you. I think there’s a special message in there for YOU.

We need to get to the bottom of your problems so please consult with a Holy Priest in your area and have him recommend a Catholic counselor a.s.a.p. Don’t make Satan happy.

 

[Holland]

I heard someone say that the crosses we bear during life, (and we all have them) are really plus signs!

 

[Sherlock]

Paris Blues:

I diagnosed myself with bipolar a couple weeks ago. ]

Self-diagnosis is not enough. You need to go to a psychiatrist who can diagnose you and possible recommend a course of action that would help you.

[My gosh, sigh I cannot bear anymore mental problems. Really I can’t. ADD is bad enough, I don’t need MORE mental garbage on top of this. Really. I cannot deal or handle it (*but then again, someone will tell me I have more problems for not being able to handle what I’ve already been diagnosed with.]

I’m afraid this doesn’t make sense to me: if you have a condition that is affecting you, then it’s affecting you already whether you want to deal with it or not. The only choice you have is to do something about it or continue to be affected by it.
Paris Blues:
) I’ve told God awhile back that I cannot deal with it and He knows it so why does He give us this “stuff” anyways? I know it’s our “cross” but I swear I have “double crosses” and it ain’t cool. It’s a burden enough that I can’t - I repeat, CAN’T - go on.
Well, I guess I am psycho!:crying:

If you read the lives of the saints, you’ll find that many had “double crosses” to bear. There are people currently being persecuted, tortured and killed for their faith. You can do it. God will give you the grace, and your cross united with Christ’s can be a powerful weapon against Satan.

 

[BlindSheep]

Paris -
Maybe it’s too personal, but I can’t help but wonder whether the mortal sins you refer to actually are mortal. If you don’t mind saying, what is it you have done, that you feel is so terrible? You may be too scrupulous. I think there is a tendancy with new converts to demand too much of themselves; I know I did.
Even if you have commited a mortal sin, I GUARANTEE you it can be forgiven. You may find that as soon as you resolve to go to confession, the “cloud” over your soul will lift; that has been my experience. If you feel like you cannot repent, pray for the ability to do so. All it takes is a baby step in the right direction, and God will provide all the help you need.
Saying you aren’t Catholic anymore doesn’t make it so. Even if you are in a state of mortal sin, being Catholic is for life - you’re stuck with it!

 

[Paris_Blues]

Holland:

I heard someone say that the crosses we bear during life, (and we all have them) are really plus signs!

[images.bravenet.com/common/images/smilies/27_laughing.gif](javascript: void(0)[images.bravenet.com/common/images/smilies/expressionless.gif](javascript: void(0) That’s a joke.

BUT I hope you’re right. To me, they seem like negative signs but I HOPE someday I can see them as +, I really do.