I need ADVICE! Badly!

[MJJean]

Well it’s why he’s so upset that the chapt 7 didn’t go through and he wants it dismissed instead of doing a chapter 13. I don’t know how I could survive professionaly (hair clothes) w the court ordered level of expenses.

He is panicked because things would drastically change. (no 300 a night resorts).

This is why I feel intense pressure to pay it all back and avoid the actual re filing, but of course the fact that I filed already destroyed my credit. My husbands answer is to just close accounts. Lease forever so we have no real property to garnish and hide all cash to avoid it being payed off.

DO NOT REFILE! There is a difference between attempting bankruptcy and actually having one. You will have a blemish on the credit report, but not as much of one as if you had actually declared bankruptcy.

You are correct that closing accounts and paying down the debt by making payment arrangements is the best way to go. That nicely balances the blemish. Keep one or two cards for emergencies, lower the limits yourself, and then do not use them.

Make a budget and stick to it even if it means the hubby literally lays on the floor kicking and screaming.

If you can’t get the financial statements and all related account paperwork organized or don’t know how to go about making arrangements and closing accounts then look for a local organization (usually non-profit or decently priced) that will help you. They’re all over the country so you shouldn’t have a hard time finding one.

And tell your husband that “hiding the money” won’t work. You’ll just end up having your income and tax returns garnished by everyone you owe. And the garnishment process is a lot like bankruptcy. The company you owe files to garnish, you can either take the garnishment amount they ask or go to the court and request a lower amount. The judge asks for your total financials and makes a call. You’d have to do that for each and every account. Since you really do likely have the income to pay off the debts if you lived a lot more modestly, the judge would require you pay. remember, the court doesn’t care where you live or what you wear or what you drive. They care that you pay off your debts. Better to do it on your terms. It’ll mean some belt tightening, but less tight that the court doing it.

He’s going to have to suck it up and spend a lot less or get a job. Actually, he should spend a lot less AND get a job until you are debt free.

Plus, since you’re married, it’s entirely possible that his credit and yours are linked. They are in my state.

 

[Xantippe]

“Well it’s why he’s so upset that the chapt 7 didn’t go through and he wants it dismissed instead of doing a chapter 13.”

You didn’t have a snowball’s chance in heck of getting a Chapter 7.

“He is panicked because things would drastically change.”

Yep.

“This is why I feel intense pressure to pay it all back and avoid the actual re filing, but of course the fact that I filed already destroyed my credit.”

Credit is primarily for borrowing money (and things like security clearances, etc.). If you’re not borrowing money, credit doesn’t matter.

If you can stop the bankruptcy process, do so. As you are discovering, bankruptcy buys you nothing at your income level.

“My husbands answer is to just close accounts. Lease forever so we have no real property to garnish and hide all cash to avoid it being payed off.”

MJJean has already given a good answer as to why that’s not a bright idea.

Also, does he think that you’re going to be able to work at this level forever? At some point, you’ll have to stop or cut back, and at the point, if you’ve followed his plan, you’ll have no property, no retirement and only the cash you’ve been able to hide in a pickle jar, and furthermore be always looking over your back, waiting for creditors to pounce. Does he want to live on just Social Security or in a Medicaid nursing home? He hasn’t previously shown any interest in enjoying that standard of living. Here’s some reading for him and you:

bloomberg.com/news/2013-09-23/why-100-000-salary-may-yield-retirement-flipping-burgers.html#disqus_thread

There’s no reason for you not to pay off your debts with your work ethic and earning potential. Pay off your debts, save, buy a reasonable home, pay for your kid’s college. You have one (1.0000) child and huge earning potential. There is no reason for you to have to struggle.

Also (and this is very important), are your taxes up to date? Do you have to file quarterlies. If you are behind or unsure about your tax situation, please prioritize that.

 

[MJJean]

“This is why I feel intense pressure to pay it all back and avoid the actual re filing, but of course the fact that I filed already destroyed my credit.”

Credit is primarily for borrowing money (and things like security clearances, etc.). If you’re not borrowing money, credit doesn’t matter.

“My husbands answer is to just close accounts. Lease forever so we have no real property to garnish and hide all cash to avoid it being payed off.”

Also (and this is very important), are your taxes up to date? Do you have to file quarterlies. If you are behind or unsure about your tax situation, please prioritize that.

Credit isn’t just for borrowing money or security clearances. A lot of businesses run credit reports before hiring or contracting out work. So do insurance companies.

Another reason to clean up credit, save a decent down payment, and buy a home is monthly expenses. In most areas owning is cheaper than renting and comes with benefits like being able to do what you like with your property. Assuming a sound budget and a plan to maybe pay more per month than required on a mortgage you can even pay off your house early and have no mortgage at all after a few years or so.

We paid off our house about 6 years ago and living without rent or a mortgage payment is bliss. We just have property taxes and insurance now. And we have the security of knowing we won’t ever be homeless in our old age. It’s also been great for the kids. They have lived in this house for 10 years and it’s a stable home for them. They are have formed close bonds with both the child and adult neighbors. Not to mention it’s one less thing to worry about if, God forbid, my husband should become injured or ill and unable to work.

And, yes, please make sure you’re all up to date on your taxes. If you think the idea of creditors garnishing wages, tax returns, and/or bank accounts is bad you don’t want to know how high the IRS’s interest rates are or what lengths they’ll go to to get their money.

What about vehicles? Are you needlessly paying on a new car every few years or leasing? That’s another thing we did to improve our finances. We researched and bought a car for each of us. We maintain those cars inside and out. They look new at 12 and 9 years old. We paid them off and are quite happy not to have a car note. Plus, our insurance rate goes down every year. If you think you need a new car every year on lease or a new car every 5 years you don’t. Not even image related for business purposes. Buy a nice car, pay it off, and maintain it. Most cars will run well for at least 200,000 miles. If anyone quirks an eyebrow at the age of your car just casually mention how attached to the thing you are and how you couldn’t conceive of parting with it.

 

[Xantippe]

MJJean said:

“Credit isn’t just for borrowing money or security clearances. A lot of businesses run credit reports before hiring or contracting out work. So do insurance companies.”

That sounds like it would be very important, especially for the OP. So why was her husband so eager to let her credit go to the dogs while saving his? It makes no sense if he is planning on sticking around. Gah!

 

[MJJean]

MJJean said:

“Credit isn’t just for borrowing money or security clearances. A lot of businesses run credit reports before hiring or contracting out work. So do insurance companies.”

That sounds like it would be very important, especially for the OP. So why was her husband so eager to let her credit go to the dogs while saving his? It makes no sense if he is planning on sticking around. Gah!

I think he is either unaware of how things work or simply figures the future will take care of itself. Dangerous ignorance and/or head in the sand. Inability or unwillingness to face reality.

 

[mega1]

I can honestly say he’s just putting his head in the sand. I don’t think he’s thinking any of this through… I don’t believe that he realizes how difficult this will make my life. He just wanted the chapter 7 as a clean slate. And it’s not going to happen.

So this popped in my head. What of my side biz takes off and I start generating enough money to make life easy… And he just does his freelance projects and stays home.

Then what? I can tell you sex wont be there. And I will still be unable to respect him. But then what? I will feel awful divorcing then… Because life could be “fine” if I keep working 80 hours a week. And truthfully that’s possible… And I am capable of that stress load. I’ve done it forever.

 

[MJJean]

I can honestly say he’s just putting his head in the sand. I don’t think he’s thinking any of this through… I don’t believe that he realizes how difficult this will make my life. He just wanted the chapter 7 as a clean slate. And it’s not going to happen.

So this popped in my head. What of my side biz takes off and I start generating enough money to make life easy… And he just does his freelance projects and stays home.

Then what? I can tell you sex wont be there. And I will still be unable to respect him. But then what? I will feel awful divorcing then… Because life could be “fine” if I keep working 80 hours a week. And truthfully that’s possible… And I am capable of that stress load. I’ve done it forever.

What if’s could make you daft. Deal with what is and worry about what if if/when it comes to pass. You’ve got enough on your plate without borrowing trouble.

I, again, don’t mean to sound unkind. You aren’t getting younger and stress does take it’s toll. Stress effects everything from the immune system to most vital organs. Don’t count on being able to do what you’re doing indefinitely. It’s not good for your heart, for one. You could literally work and worry yourself into an early grave or have a stroke/heart attack and be unable to work as you are now. An awful lot of people think they have a handle on things only to wake up in a hospital lucky to be alive. I am 38 and most of my friends are within a year or two of my age. 3 have had heart attacks this past year. It’s nothing to sneeze at. Do what you can to lighten your load and spend time with your boy before you endanger your health or blink and he’s grown and you missed it.

 

[Xantippe]

MJJean said:

“What if’s could make you daft. Deal with what is and worry about what if if/when it comes to pass. You’ve got enough on your plate without borrowing trouble.”

Yes!

“Don’t count on being able to do what you’re doing indefinitely. It’s not good for your heart, for one. You could literally work and worry yourself into an early grave or have a stroke/heart attack and be unable to work as you are now.”

And then where would your son be? To say nothing of your husband.

You are your family’s most valuable financial resource. Take care of yourself.

“An awful lot of people think they have a handle on things only to wake up in a hospital lucky to be alive. I am 38 and most of my friends are within a year or two of my age. 3 have had heart attacks this past year. It’s nothing to sneeze at. Do what you can to lighten your load and spend time with your boy before you endanger your health or blink and he’s grown and you missed it.”

Yes!

Your son needs you, and not just for financial support.

 

[mega1]

SOme interesting things have happened over the last 2 days…my husband was telling me about a freelance job he was being considered for… And he said he was just contacted out of the blue by this “guy”. Well, it turns out it is a woman. He left his email open on our computer and I saw her email… It was flirtatious and he was talking about football and art with her too… She made it very clear in the email that she’s single.

Well I just left the email open too. He noticed it was open and asked me why I opened it. I told him I found it that way… Well within an hour he had changed his password.

I just find it all weird…

Also, he told me today he had a 90 dollar coupon and wants to hire a maid.

Grrrrr

 

[Serap]

SOme interesting things have happened over the last 2 days…my husband was telling me about a freelance job he was being considered for… And he said he was just contacted out of the blue by this “guy”. Well, it turns out it is a woman. He left his email open on our computer and I saw her email… It was flirtatious and he was talking about football and art with her too… She made it very clear in the email that she’s single.

Well I just left the email open too. He noticed it was open and asked me why I opened it. I told him I found it that way… Well within an hour he had changed his password.

I just find it all weird…

Also, he told me today he had a 90 dollar coupon and wants to hire a maid.

Grrrrr

there is a maturity issue here…he sounds a little bit of a narcissist (kind of like a 2 year old baby). It’s more like a child who wants to keep pressing the “easy button” and ride on the coat tails of his wife and mommy figure.

 

[mega1]

I understand… And agree.

Do you think the email and lack of full disclosure…is concerning?

I’m pretty certain he has my passwords. Changing his password seems suspicious to me.

 

[Serap]

I understand… And agree.

Do you think the email and lack of full disclosure…is concerning?

I’m pretty certain he has my passwords. Changing his password seems suspicious to me.

Yes, the password change would sit funny with me also, but my husband password protects everything too just b/c he really likes his privacy. It’s not a trust issue with him…it’s a privacy issue with my husband and I can respect that about him. Even my husband’s cell phone is password protected and I’ve never asked for the password b/c I trust him.

Listen to your gut…what is it telling you? Is your gut telling you that you need to move away from this situation for your mental health or is your gut telling you that this marriage is worth it and you should stay? Is your gut telling you that you can trust your husband’s need for privacy? Or is your gut telling you that your husband is extremely immature and untrustworthy and he needs a big wake up call from you?

Is your gut telling you to seek legal counsel for yourself as a planning guide? Is your gut telling you to take action, but you are afraid?

If fear is holding you back, you need to face that fear with counselling. Fear makes us do stupid things. Sometimes people leave a good marriage out of fear of abandonment. Sometimes people stay in bad marriages out of fear of people thinking they are a failure.

Fear is a sickly excuse for living a life of misery.

I cannot tell you what to do and I don’t know what I would do b/c I’m not in your situation. I can tell you what I “think” I would do, but that’s easy to say from where I’m standing. I’m not in your situation.

 

[Serap]

I understand… And agree.

Do you think the email and lack of full disclosure…is concerning?

I’m pretty certain he has my passwords. Changing his password seems suspicious to me.

I ask you one question and think hard about it:

Will you one day regret not being abe to be there for your son? Will you one day regret those lost moments with your son?

If you answered yes, then you need to take action while he’s still young.

What if your son as a young man decides that you were not there enough for him and he begins to distance himself from you out of past hurt? Is that risk worth taking?

Think hard. Your son is still young enough that you can reverse this.

 

[mega1]

I hear you… Trust me. I am trying to look at this situation objectively. I believe I am to blame in this situation too…I had an EA a few years ago. My husband used that opportunity NOT to work on us… But to tell my family about it … Because he had a “nervous breakdown”. He said it was about an hour long… The nervous breakdown that is.

Anyway… That was MY fault. It was me trying to get the attention I wasn’t getting from him. And to this day… I’m tempted to do the same thing all over again. I just need to feel loved. But I realize my husnand IS showing me love in his own way. He really acts supportive and I know he’s manipulative… But I never thought he’d be capable of an EA like I am. I actually see myself as weaker (morally) than him. And I think that’s why I hold myself in the marriage. I feel as if I should be a better person…

Currently (this month) he’s bringing home 3k cash. And acting as a stay at home dad. Next month… I don’t know if he will get more than 500… But I think I need to be honest and forthcoming… He IS bringing in some money.

My real issue is that he is not the provider … Mentally … That role falls to me. And I have done it for SO long (and failed obviously) that I just want a break.

To answer your post…, I don’t think I can say … Divorcing him will give me more time with my son. I would still need to work non stop to get myself out of this hole. You know? So that’s why I look at it… As better (for son) to stay…,

Maybe I’m just crazy? That’s why I ask for your objective view… I’m grateful for this forum.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can honestly say he’s just putting his head in the sand. I don’t think he’s thinking any of this through… I don’t believe that he realizes how difficult this will make my life. He just wanted the chapter 7 as a clean slate. And it’s not going to happen.

So this popped in my head. What of my side biz takes off and I start generating enough money to make life easy… And he just does his freelance projects and stays home.

Then what? I can tell you sex wont be there. And I will still be unable to respect him. But then what? I will feel awful divorcing then… Because life could be “fine” if I keep working 80 hours a week. And truthfully that’s possible… And I am capable of that stress load. I’ve done it forever.

I don’t think he cares two bits whether anything is hard for you or easy for you. I don’t think he cares one way or the other whether he lies to you or tells you the truth, either. I could be wrong, but he gives every indication that he has the heart and decision-making phenotype of a reptile. You can keep a reptile as a pet, you can emotionally bond with your reptile, you can grow fond of your reptile, you can even appreciate your reptile and feel a desire to defend your reptile, but it is still a reptile. If you start projecting mental or emotional capacities on your reptile that are not there, you are asking for trouble…that is, you had better pray it never decides to get out of its warm sandy glass tank.

You should not just presume that you can be “fine” with your current stress load for an indefinite period of time. You have no financial reserves and no physical reserves. You are one more straw on the back from collapse, and when you collapse there will be no one to cover for you. I mean this: should you collapse, you won’t be able to say with a straight face that it came as some kind of a surprise. Reason won’t tell you that.

This is true, is it not?

Research your options and the risks involved with each one. Make your decision based on a) what is rationally likely to be a sustainable course of action and b) the welfare of your son. That is your call–I mean, if you keep up with the 80 hours, for heavens sake have a Plan B in place in case you collapse!

Considering that your husband acts has he does and is not an alcoholic or an addict, though, plan on his behavior pattern staying pretty much exactly as it is. It is not reasonable to expect anything else. You can talk to your therapist about it, but I think the chances that he will change when he shows no credible signs that he wants to change are essentially nil. Those are the cards you have to play; don’t let wishful thinking come in to challenge that reality.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hear you… Trust me. I am trying to look at this situation objectively. I believe I am to blame in this situation too…I had an EA a few years ago. My husband used that opportunity NOT to work on us… But to tell my family about it … Because he had a “nervous breakdown”. He said it was about an hour long… The nervous breakdown that is.

Anyway… That was MY fault. It was me trying to get the attention I wasn’t getting from him. And to this day… I’m tempted to do the same thing all over again. I just need to feel loved. But I realize my husnand IS showing me love in his own way. He really acts supportive and I know he’s manipulative… But I never thought he’d be capable of an EA like I am. I actually see myself as weaker (morally) than him. And I think that’s why I hold myself in the marriage. I feel as if I should be a better person…

Currently (this month) he’s bringing home 3k cash. And acting as a stay at home dad. Next month… I don’t know if he will get more than 500… But I think I need to be honest and forthcoming… He IS bringing in some money.

My real issue is that he is not the provider … Mentally … That role falls to me. And I have done it for SO long (and failed obviously) that I just want a break.

To answer your post…, I don’t think I can say … Divorcing him will give me more time with my son. I would still need to work non stop to get myself out of this hole. You know? So that’s why I look at it… As better (for son) to stay…,

Maybe I’m just crazy? That’s why I ask for your objective view… I’m grateful for this forum.

You are blaming yourself because your husband took your failure as a pretext to not do something he was already not doing? What was his reason for not being there for you before you failed? What makes you think he would be trying if you had not failed? Take responsibility for* your* failure, then, but not for his.

I said I think he’s a reptile, but that does not mean you have no choice but to divorce him. It means that if you do not, you have to stop projecting mental and emotional expectations onto him that are almost certainly not there and almost certainly never will be there. You have to learn how to “keep” a husband like him without your household devolving into chaos. You have to find a support system in healthy and appropriate adult relationships, you need to cultivate your relationship with the Trinity, and you need to give yourself a certain amount of self-care, not indulging the proud thought that you can do this without help. Those last ones are not negotiable. Those are needs, and you ignore them at your peril and at your son’s peril. You cannot do this alone and you have to do your best to keep a clear head.

That’s your task, if you stay. Whether you stay or leave is your call, but use your therapy to be very clear about which of your options are real options and which are imaginary scenarios that are only going to disappoint you and increase your suffering.

Hang in there, though. Yes, you have a difficult road ahead of you, but you have a marvelous son, you are a resilient person, you are a determined and hard-working person, and you are a realistic person. Your husband is a user, but so far he is content and not malicious, which is a point in your favor. He is tolerable to be around, if you do not project unrealistic expectations or bitterness over what he ought to be doing and yet cannot be expected to ever do. Be ready for malice to rear its ugly head, but be thankful when he decides to be amenable to a peaceful household. That is no small thing, considering. It is, in fact, the only thing that makes staying even an option for you.

You know what level of pressure and appreciation gets some small increase in his output. Concentrate on that, or he’ll just keep trying to find out how little he can get away with.

 

[Serap]

I hear you… Trust me. I am trying to look at this situation objectively. I believe I am to blame in this situation too…I had an EA a few years ago. My husband used that opportunity NOT to work on us… But to tell my family about it … Because he had a “nervous breakdown”. He said it was about an hour long… The nervous breakdown that is.

Anyway… That was MY fault. It was me trying to get the attention I wasn’t getting from him. And to this day… I’m tempted to do the same thing all over again. I just need to feel loved. But I realize my husnand IS showing me love in his own way. He really acts supportive and I know he’s manipulative… But I never thought he’d be capable of an EA like I am. I actually see myself as weaker (morally) than him. And I think that’s why I hold myself in the marriage. I feel as if I should be a better person…

Currently (this month) he’s bringing home 3k cash. And acting as a stay at home dad. Next month… I don’t know if he will get more than 500… But I think I need to be honest and forthcoming… He IS bringing in some money.

My real issue is that he is not the provider … Mentally … That role falls to me. And I have done it for SO long (and failed obviously) that I just want a break.

To answer your post…, I don’t think I can say … Divorcing him will give me more time with my son. I would still need to work non stop to get myself out of this hole. You know? So that’s why I look at it… As better (for son) to stay…,

Maybe I’m just crazy? That’s why I ask for your objective view… I’m grateful for this forum.

There you go! I was playing a bit of devil’s advocate to make you look inside your gut.

You DO want to stay in this marriage. Perhaps you filed for bankruptcy out of guilt from your EA? Either way, you know your marriage is the best thing for your family right now and being the provider is hard and it is also very worthwhile to keep a marriage in tact.

If you are working 80 hours a week…how the HECK did you find time for an EA

Have you confessed btw? It will make you feel a lot better about everything.

Changing a password doesn’t mean he wants an EA…it means he wants you to respect his privacy. The fact that he left the email open, perhaps it is his subconscious way of getting your attention for intimacy by making you jealous? He is a bit immature after all; it wouldn’t surprise me.

 

[Serap]

I said I think he’s a reptile, but that does not mean you have no choice but to divorce him. It means that if you do not, you have to stop projecting mental and emotional expectations onto him that are almost certainly not there and almost certainly never will be there. You have to learn how to “keep” a husband like him without your household devolving into chaos. You have to find a support system in healthy and appropriate adult relationships, you need to cultivate your relationship with the Trinity, and you need to give yourself a certain amount of self-care, not indulging the proud thought that you can do this without help. Those last ones are not negotiable. Those are needs, and you ignore them at your peril and at your son’s peril. You cannot do this alone and you have to do your best to keep a clear head.

You know what level of pressure and appreciation gets some small increase in his output. Concentrate on that, or he’ll just keep trying to find out how little he can get away with.

great advice EasterJoy!!!

he will only get away with what he’s allowed to get away with. he will never change, but he can be managed.

 

[mega1]

You are absolutely right, Easterjoy and I laughed about the reptile comment! That’s SO true and well said!

I understand how I could make this work …by sacrificing myself…I must admit that if I have to “keep” my husband…not much will change. I have such a huge hole to dig out of …and I don’t see him grabbing a shovel to help fill it…

I am using my therapy to better understand boundaries…and how to recognize and appreciate my own feelings. I think that’s a good part of my troubles…I don’t recognize what I am TRULY feeling…I just ignore that part of my emotions…for the good of everyone else.

When I was in that EA…I had SO many hopes that it would help me out of my marriage. I wanted it to encourage me…there life on the other side would be safe…and comfortable. I know that’s not the best way to go about doing things in life…but truly it was showing me that I could have a real “friend”… and we were in constant text/phone conversation.

It is not right of me to glorify that in any way…but I didn’t date much before I got married …so it showed me a glimmer of what life without my husband would be like. And you know, it was just nice having someone who liked me for ME. It wasn’t about how much I brought in that month…or how much I could earn that year.

My husband has improved over the years…when it comes to communicating with me. But, (consistent with Aspergers symptoms) he is just never on par with the timing…

For example…last night. I had just left home after a dinner break…I was racing back to work. He seems to ALWAYS find a reason to call as soon as I LEAVE. I had called my co-workers to see if I missed anything and he rang …I put my co-worker on hold and answered…he had called to tell me that flights back to my hometown were dropping and we should consider a trip …since it’s the fall. I kindly told him I was on the other line with work and I would return his call. He said "okay…but let me just tell you this…and he talked for at least another minute. I finally interrupted and said, I’m sorry I really need to call you back…and he hung up. Not 10 seconds later …he was texting me left and right about this trip he wants to take…and some conversation he was upset about…on the radio…regarding Obamacare. Consistent with what the therapist instructed, I quietly ignored the behavior (instead of rewarding him) and then I got a barrage of texts later about how he had found 3 insects in our son’s bathtub…

Maybe I’m nuts…but THAT is the kind of behavior that makes me disassociate from him…I don’t want to hear about he angry conversation on the radio…especially when I’m busy at work. And insects in the tub? Clean them up…

Do you see why I could say…my patience is VERY thin?

You are blaming yourself because your husband took your failure as a pretext to not do something he was already not doing? What was his reason for not being there for you before you failed? What makes you think he would be trying if you had not failed? Take responsibility for* your* failure, then, but not for his.

I said I think he’s a reptile, but that does not mean you have no choice but to divorce him. It means that if you do not, you have to stop projecting mental and emotional expectations onto him that are almost certainly not there and almost certainly never will be there. You have to learn how to “keep” a husband like him without your household devolving into chaos. You have to find a support system in healthy and appropriate adult relationships, you need to cultivate your relationship with the Trinity, and you need to give yourself a certain amount of self-care, not indulging the proud thought that you can do this without help. Those last ones are not negotiable. Those are needs, and you ignore them at your peril and at your son’s peril. You cannot do this alone and you have to do your best to keep a clear head.

That’s your task, if you stay. Whether you stay or leave is your call, but use your therapy to be very clear about which of your options are real options and which are imaginary scenarios that are only going to disappoint you and increase your suffering.

Hang in there, though. Yes, you have a difficult road ahead of you, but you have a marvelous son, you are a resilient person, you are a determined and hard-working person, and you are a realistic person. Your husband is a user, but so far he is content and not malicious, which is a point in your favor. He is tolerable to be around, if you do not project unrealistic expectations or bitterness over what he ought to be doing and yet cannot be expected to ever do. Be ready for malice to rear its ugly head, but be thankful when he decides to be amenable to a peaceful household. That is no small thing, considering. It is, in fact, the only thing that makes staying even an option for you.

You know what level of pressure and appreciation gets some small increase in his output. Concentrate on that, or he’ll just keep trying to find out how little he can get away with.

 

[mega1]

Serap,

Thank for your support and reply. I can’t say that I WANT to stay in the marriage…I’m just saying that I don’t really have any choices…if I want to maintain peace for my son.

I am trapped… I will continue to have trouble seeing my son…no matter what…because my husband really wants to keep it that way.

I wondered if there was a subliminal message in this statement yesterday. He came back from meeting with a friend (who is separated from his wife). My DH rarely tells me about any conversations with his former co-workers. But, he said he had heard a “disturbing story from this guy”. I asked what it was. He said that his friend/former co-worker had heard that his 5 year old daughter tried to run away from her mom because she said that she thought that her parents didn’t love her anymore. (because of the divorce/split). I said well, it sounds like those parents need to do a better job of adjusting her… and he said that his FRIEND…(guy) was going to slow down on his side business because he had to take more time with the daughter… but he was currently living with a cousin because he couldn’t afford to live on his own. I said…I think he makes 70k? My DH said …yes…he can’t afford to live on his own…for that small amount. He said I needed to recognize that apartments are VERY expensive.

I didn’t respond to that comment…but I wondered if he was telling this to me…to manipulate me? Or if it was a total coincidence?

There you go! I was playing a bit of devil’s advocate to make you look inside your gut.

You DO want to stay in this marriage. Perhaps you filed for bankruptcy out of guilt from your EA? Either way, you know your marriage is the best thing for your family right now and being the provider is hard and it is also very worthwhile to keep a marriage in tact.

If you are working 80 hours a week…how the HECK did you find time for an EA

Have you confessed btw? It will make you feel a lot better about everything.

Changing a password doesn’t mean he wants an EA…it means he wants you to respect his privacy. The fact that he left the email open, perhaps it is his subconscious way of getting your attention for intimacy by making you jealous? He is a bit immature after all; it wouldn’t surprise me.