I need ADVICE! Badly!

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My husband found text messages and said that he had a “nervous breakdown” when he discovered the EA. He told MY family about it…before talking to me. He is NOT close with my family AT ALL. He said his nervous breakdown only lasted an hour…but he needed someone to talk to…so he told my mother.

My family then disowned me… because they said I was a liar like Martha Stewart. They wouldn’t talk to me…and said I was very screwed up. Then, before I could repair things…my dad died in a traffic accident. I never got to repair things with him before he died.

So…to this day…my relationship is extremely strained with my Mother and sister. However…part of the reason is because my DH wanted me to SUE my mother for a portion of my father’s life insurance policy. Same woman he turned to…when he had the “nervous breakdown”.

My Mom now keeps me a very BIG distance…I know nothing about her finances…she and my sister are extremely tight.
Serap said:
Have you confessed EA btw? It will make you feel a lot better about everything.
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mega1 said:
You are absolutely right, Easterjoy and I laughed about the reptile comment! That’s SO true and well said!

I understand how I could make this work …by sacrificing myself…I must admit that if I have to “keep” my husband…not much will change. I have such a huge hole to dig out of …and I don’t see him grabbing a shovel to help fill it…

I am using my therapy to better understand boundaries…and how to recognize and appreciate my own feelings. I think that’s a good part of my troubles…I don’t recognize what I am TRULY feeling…I just ignore that part of my emotions…for the good of everyone else.

When I was in that EA…I had SO many hopes that it would help me out of my marriage. I wanted it to encourage me…there life on the other side would be safe…and comfortable. I know that’s not the best way to go about doing things in life…but truly it was showing me that I could have a real “friend”… and we were in constant text/phone conversation.

It is not right of me to glorify that in any way…but I didn’t date much before I got married …so it showed me a glimmer of what life without my husband would be like. And you know, it was just nice having someone who liked me for ME. It wasn’t about how much I brought in that month…or how much I could earn that year.

My husband has improved over the years…when it comes to communicating with me. But, (consistent with Aspergers symptoms) he is just never on par with the timing…

For example…last night. I had just left home after a dinner break…I was racing back to work. He seems to ALWAYS find a reason to call as soon as I LEAVE. I had called my co-workers to see if I missed anything and he rang …I put my co-worker on hold and answered…he had called to tell me that flights back to my hometown were dropping and we should consider a trip …since it’s the fall. I kindly told him I was on the other line with work and I would return his call. He said "okay…but let me just tell you this…and he talked for at least another minute. I finally interrupted and said, I’m sorry I really need to call you back…and he hung up. Not 10 seconds later …he was texting me left and right about this trip he wants to take…and some conversation he was upset about…on the radio…regarding Obamacare. Consistent with what the therapist instructed, I quietly ignored the behavior (instead of rewarding him) and then I got a barrage of texts later about how he had found 3 insects in our son’s bathtub…

Maybe I’m nuts…but THAT is the kind of behavior that makes me disassociate from him…I don’t want to hear about he angry conversation on the radio…especially when I’m busy at work. And insects in the tub? Clean them up…

Do you see why I could say…my patience is VERY thin?
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Probably you need to tell him that while you don’t blame him and that it is nice in a way you are not out-of-sight-out-of-mind when you leave for work, you need to short-circuit his impulses to contact you so often. Just block his calls after you leave the driveway and tell him you will occasionally read texts but will reply only infrequently, you will call him before you go home in case you need to pick something up, and you will be incommunicado otherwise. That way, you can do your best work while there and get out of there as quickly as possible. You’ll also have removed a place where he can “fail.” The more you do that, the better, so you can save insistence on success where it is really needed.

I think you’re going to look forward to the times you have set aside to simply attend to your work and let the home front take care of itself. Try not to look forward to it too much! :rolleyes: 😃 (And don’t feel guilty for enjoying it, if you do!)
 
mega1 said:
Serap,

Thank for your support and reply. I can’t say that I WANT to stay in the marriage…I’m just saying that I don’t really have any choices…if I want to maintain peace for my son.

I am trapped… I will continue to have trouble seeing my son…no matter what…because my husband really wants to keep it that way.

I wondered if there was a subliminal message in this statement yesterday. He came back from meeting with a friend (who is separated from his wife). My DH rarely tells me about any conversations with his former co-workers. But, he said he had heard a “disturbing story from this guy”. I asked what it was. He said that his friend/former co-worker had heard that his 5 year old daughter tried to run away from her mom because she said that she thought that her parents didn’t love her anymore. (because of the divorce/split). I said well, it sounds like those parents need to do a better job of adjusting her… and he said that his FRIEND…(guy) was going to slow down on his side business because he had to take more time with the daughter… but he was currently living with a cousin because he couldn’t afford to live on his own. I said…I think he makes 70k? My DH said …yes…he can’t afford to live on his own…for that small amount. He said I needed to recognize that apartments are VERY expensive.

I didn’t respond to that comment…but I wondered if he was telling this to me…to manipulate me? Or if it was a total coincidence?
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I would assume that he feels insecure about your love for him and he’s afraid you’ll leave him eventually. He’s like a child in your family 🙂 He doesn’t want mommy and her money to leave 🙂
 
Therapist was right to ignore and not reward any bad bahaviour. Not much different with kids lol.
 
Well, I JUST found a house a stone’s throw from our current home…that is VERY nice…and I could reduce our monthly expenses by about 1300! AT LEAST!

I am thrilled…and part of me wants to just say “we are moving”…get on board or don’t…

But, I AM scared. It’s a great place for all of us…but, it is going to come down to my bankruptcy. “I” could leave because of the bankruptcy…but it could end up causing trouble for my husband and HIS credit.

If this was to happen and work…I would have to take care of it all FOR HIM. He will NOT be happy…

Choices… – 1) Tell him we are moving…I’m going to cite my bankruptcy and he can either come along…or don’t. (He will say you absolutely can NOT saddle me with this lease/bankruptcy and will get extremely irate).
  1. Don’t move…and stay where we are …praying to God we can make our bills every month.
This really…could save us a TON of money. I know it would save ME a ton of money… But, i’m scared.
 
mega1 said:
Well, I JUST found a house a stone’s throw from our current home…that is VERY nice…and I could reduce our monthly expenses by about 1300! AT LEAST!

I am thrilled…and part of me wants to just say “we are moving”…get on board or don’t…

But, I AM scared. It’s a great place for all of us…but, it is going to come down to my bankruptcy. “I” could leave because of the bankruptcy…but it could end up causing trouble for my husband and HIS credit.

If this was to happen and work…I would have to take care of it all FOR HIM. He will NOT be happy…

Choices… – 1) Tell him we are moving…I’m going to cite my bankruptcy and he can either come along…or don’t. (He will say you absolutely can NOT saddle me with this lease/bankruptcy and will get extremely irate).
  1. Don’t move…and stay where we are …praying to God we can make our bills every month.
This really…could save us a TON of money. I know it would save ME a ton of money… But, i’m scared.
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Talk it over with him in a calm manner. He may agree to a move. You never know.
 
And if he doesn’t??? That’s the hard part for me…what if he doesn’t…do I push forward on my own?

Or do I backdown and believe we will continue to survive…
 
mega1 said:
And if he doesn’t??? That’s the hard part for me…what if he doesn’t…do I push forward on my own?

Or do I backdown and believe we will continue to survive…
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Your personal credit history is in ashes, so you may not be able to move an inch without your husband’s full cooperation. He may have you over a barrel, and he may know it, so don’t let that catch you by surprise.

Proceed accordingly…which is to say, proceed by persuading your husband to believe that moving would be a great thing for him, personally, and would make his life easier. Lean on those reasons for him to want to move, not on the more unpleasant realities, if at all possible. (He does not strike me as a guy who likes unpleasant realities.)
 
EasterJoy said:

“Your personal credit history is in ashes, so you may not be able to move an inch without your husband’s full cooperation.”

With enough of a deposit (and of course being very sure that the landlord actually owns the property) and proof of good income, I think mega1 will be able to find a cheaper rental and a landlord that will ignore her credit issues. What’s she going to do–go bankrupt again?

I don’t know how these things work, but the court may really, really not like her current posh rental.
 
Unfortunately… someone else grabbed it up…I missed it. 😦 Oh well, back to the drawing board…and the goal setting. I need to get my side business cranking. Another late night…but, I have few choices!

My husband told me that today…he washed the outside windows and the screens (of our RENTAL).

I have got to get this figured out.
 
mega1 said:
Unfortunately… someone else grabbed it up…I missed it. 😦 Oh well, back to the drawing board…and the goal setting. I need to get my side business cranking. Another late night…but, I have few choices!

My husband told me that today…he washed the outside windows and the screens (of our RENTAL).

I have got to get this figured out.
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If you think this may be partly attention issues, maybe you could suggest he try FlyLady?
 
mega1 said:
Unfortunately… someone else grabbed it up…I missed it. 😦 Oh well, back to the drawing board…and the goal setting. I need to get my side business cranking. Another late night…but, I have few choices!

My husband told me that today…he washed the outside windows and the screens (of our RENTAL).

I have got to get this figured out.
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Washing the windows is a good thing even on a rental 🙂
 
mega1 said:
Unfortunately… someone else grabbed it up…I missed it. 😦 Oh well, back to the drawing board…and the goal setting. I need to get my side business cranking. Another late night…but, I have few choices!

My husband told me that today…he washed the outside windows and the screens (of our RENTAL).

I have got to get this figured out.
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Sorry you missed out on the rental. It wasn’t meant to be.
 
EasterJoy said:
Your personal credit history is in ashes, so you may not be able to move an inch without your husband’s full cooperation. He may have you over a barrel, and he may know it, so don’t let that catch you by surprise.

Proceed accordingly…which is to say, proceed by persuading your husband to believe that moving would be a great thing for him, personally, and would make his life easier. Lean on those reasons for him to want to move, not on the more unpleasant realities, if at all possible. (He does not strike me as a guy who likes unpleasant realities.)
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I agree with this. If you want your husband to cooperate, you have to make things seem like his idea.

You need to learn to manipulate him to get what is right in your marriage. He is selfish…you need to appeal to that need he has.
 
Well, I told my husnand about the rental and he was not keen on the idea whatsoever. I didn’t get it… So I dropped the issue. Interesting he has not asked me about it whatsoever.

This am I asked him how sustainable he thinks his income really is… And he said that’s a good question! He said he couldn’t make a prediction. I asked him if we could sit down and make a plan of some sort and he said that he needs to buy about 5-7500k worth of equipment to make his business really work and that was on the low end.

I realize he does need this equipment… (otherwise he rents it) but I just don’t know how to swing that. He wants to ask his parents for a loan… And they are in their 70s and still working… Not exactly loaded. His mother is a teacher making 30k and has had breast cancer twice. His dad just works freelance… So I don’t agree with that idea.

But, if we sit down and make a plan… That’s what he wants.
 
mega1 said:

“I asked him if we could sit down and make a plan of some sort and he said that he needs to buy about 5-7500k worth of equipment to make his business really work and that was on the low end.”

He can pay for any equipment out of his receipts. If he has two months of $3000 a month, there you go.

But if you spend two months of his income on the equipment, then he’s not paying the rent on the rental he wants to keep, is he?

I think you should offer him the option of either staying in the rental or getting the equipment he wants.

Also, think carefully before buying the equipment, given your bankruptcy situation. You should probably not buy it until your bankruptcy is all taken care of.

“I realize he does need this equipment… (otherwise he rents it) but I just don’t know how to swing that. He wants to ask his parents for a loan… And they are in their 70s and still working… Not exactly loaded. His mother is a teacher making 30k and has had breast cancer twice. His dad just works freelance… So I don’t agree with that idea.”

No borrowing.

“But, if we sit down and make a plan… That’s what he wants.”

Great! Explain that he needs to choose between your current rental and the equipment he wants, because he can’t have both.
 
The problem is we need his income! We can’t spare that money… We need it to get by. So he would need to make more than that…, in order to get that gear.

Or… As he said… Maybe “I” could get my side biz to take off and pay for HIS equipment.

I’m so tired…
 
mega1 said:
Well, I told my husnand about the rental and he was not keen on the idea whatsoever. I didn’t get it… So I dropped the issue. Interesting he has not asked me about it whatsoever.

This am I asked him how sustainable he thinks his income really is… And he said that’s a good question! He said he couldn’t make a prediction. I asked him if we could sit down and make a plan of some sort and he said that he needs to buy about 5-7500k worth of equipment to make his business really work and that was on the low end.

I realize he does need this equipment… (otherwise he rents it) but I just don’t know how to swing that. He wants to ask his parents for a loan… And they are in their 70s and still working… Not exactly loaded. His mother is a teacher making 30k and has had breast cancer twice. His dad just works freelance… So I don’t agree with that idea.

But, if we sit down and make a plan… That’s what he wants.
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Oh, good grief! This is a grown man, husband, and father here. He honestly doesn’t get that not being able to “make a prediction” is an unacceptable answer when it comes to income??? Yeesh!

He’d almost have an argument for buying his own equipment if he A) had regular income from his home business and needed equipment to increase that regular income B) was capable of getting his own clients regularly instead of asking you to do it and C) you weren’t in bankruptcy!

Tell him to sit down with you and make a budget for the household expenses. Then tell him to sit down and come up with a viable plan to earn a minimum amount of money every month without fail. Once he has done that consistently for a few months or so,then and only then, he can start thinking about how to make extra money above and beyond his minimum to purchase equipment by saving that extra income.
 
Yep! Just did that. He said he can’t do that because my day job is the only secure cash flow. And he would only be able to do that without counting on any additional income from me. He said his income isn’t reliable and I can’t expect it to be.
 
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