I want to leave the Church because God won't help me find a spouse

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Estevao said:
No offense brah but your faith should be in God, not man. Every time I hear some body saying that they left church because of some bad experience they had with a person, I just wonder who their faith was really in…
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Off topic, but on point: A woman I know is a social worker. She had been a member of our parish. She called the rectory to find help for a client. She didn’t like the answers she got from the church staff. She now attends a Lutheran church.

@ JustALurker: Why is it the fault of Catholicism that you can’t find a spouse?
 
rayne89 said:
You mention a lot of negative experiences when you try to have a relationship with a woman. Words like “disastrous”, “worst experience of my life” etc. I would recommend therapy. You seem to think you can make deals with God and expect results within your accepted time frame. Since he did produce your desired result you now say you want to leave the church. God is not a genie in bottle granter of wishes.

Your tone is angry and indignant. A wife is not a prize for being a good Catholic or saying many novenas. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. To have such a negative experience with dating leads me to believe you have areas that you need to work on before you can entertain the idea of marriage. Even the fact that you are so focused on marriage without being in a relationship seems very premature.

Marriage is hard even in very good circumstances. If you ready to dump God and his church because your disappointed and frustrated what does say about your ability to be committed? What happens when your wife disappoints you, hurts you, frustrates you? God is giving you time to grow, you can fight against it or you can use the time to grow into who God is calling you to be.
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yes, well put. I also wonder about the blame of the “relationship” failure on the others Op has tried to date instead of introspection into himself.
 
Viki63 said:
If you are not happy as a single person, you will not be happy in the married state.
It is much harder to be married than single, even if your wife is a paragon of virtue and beauty.
It involves sacrifice, hard work and dying to self.
As others suggested, work on becoming the kind of man someone would want to marry. Get rid of the bitterness and anger.
God bless.
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Well said.

Your wife is out there, looking for you perhaps, or better, she is living her life, faithful that God will bring you together when the time is right. God’s time is not our time.

Leaving the Church is the worst solution.

Some others recommended therapy. I second the notion; your post says you are angry, demanding, emotionally and spiritually immature as well as impatient. These are not attractive traits in a mate. Stop trying so hard, work on yourself so you are attractive to a good woman in future. God bless you.
 
  1. God hears your prayers. However, like a good parent, He doesn’t always give us what we want, but rather what we need. It’s quite possible that the one will be most happy with you simply haven’t met yet for some reason (perhaps she’s currently in college, grad school, or dating someone else right now). God knows our story and sometimes things don’t happen as we want them, but often work our for the best in the end.
  2. If you haven’t tried them already, please give Catholic dating sites a try. A few are:
  1. If you look into theapy, I highly recommend a Catholic therapist. Check out catholictherapists.com/
  2. Where do you live? Some urban/suburban areas of the country (especially metro New York and LA) have a high singles rate, with a much higher average age for marriage.
  3. I highly recommend that you learn to enjoy the single life for several reasons:
  • If you don’t enjoy your life while single, women will see that and be scared off. If they see you don’t enjoy life now, they will assume you won’t enjoy married life either.
  • Once you are married, you never get a chance to do all the things you could have more easily done while single (when your money and time are exclusively yours): i.e. travel, give extra time to the Church, buy season tickets to your favorite sports team, drive a family unfriendly car, etc. 😃
  • Your 20s only come once… don’t waste it stressing about a spouse.
  • PERHAPS you are meant to remain single or marry later in life. Look into 3rd order groups or perhaps Opus Dei.
  1. Finally, when I was 22, just graduating college; I was on an interview. The person interviewing gave me a piece of (secular) advice that I always keep in mind when things are not going well (I’m 37 years old today):
“Ideally, we experience life in our 20s, so we can start living life in our 30s, and finally really begin to enjoy life in our 40s”

The key I take from this is you have the whole decade for each step and it’s a reminder that life takes time. Don’t miss the opportunity you have to experience life during the remaining years of your 20s.

If you ever need to chat, please feel free to PM me.

May The Lord bring you peace and wisdom.

God Bless.
 
What other’s have stated rings so true.

If you can’t be happy while you are single, then there is no way you can improve your happiness by getting married.

Marriage does not guarantee happiness, security, social-standing and/or success. Marriage opens plenty of doors but quite a few of those doors are entry-ways to additional stressors and problems.

Marriage is work. Plain and simple and you are just as likely to question God’s plan and purpose while married as you would if you were single.

If you have trouble coping with the sadness that is brought about while being single then nothing will change if you do get married.

You need therapy. Not a girlfriend.
 
JustALurker said:
…

I am writing this because I need help. When I go to the confessions the priests say that I need to “die to my myself” the way Jesus died on the cross. These words have not helped me. I cannot die to my desire for marriage because it won’t go away. God also won’t give me a wife and He appears to actively be sending me unsuitable marriage candidates who cause me even more pain. I don’t know how to escape from this prison. Leaving the faith seems like a decent option now **(it was much easier to find women before I converted). ** That said, I do not want to leave the faith and so I am begging for your help. I don’t know what to do.

Thank you.
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I am curious, if it was much easier to find women before you converted, how is it that you were not married back then?

Desires were meant for turning to God in petition for what you hunger for, not for being your own god and securing things for yourself because you think you are a better god than God. Desires are for training in relying on God. Dying is to “one’s self trying to fix one’s own life”, dying is not to desire.
 
I have a lot of issues with the original post. I will try to respond as productively as possible.
  1. A spouse isn’t something fo be bought on a shelf when you see something you like. It requires something more than that.
  2. On that note, God doesn’t hand us a spouse. We need to look, and we need to be mindful that potential mates evaluate us the same way we evaluate them. Sometimes what we look for is healthy; sometimes not. Sometimes what THEY are looking for is healthy, sometimes not. Yes, it takes prayer - but I like the post that suggests we need to look nice, be presentable, etc. I have a friend who grouses that he can’t “find” a wife - he’s also morbidly obese; looks a mess; and still lives with mom & dad in his late 30s. It also requires us, and them, to be looking for the right things! I always smile sadly at the personals looing for someone “funny,” ie with a sense of humor. How about looking for someone kind? Industrious? A good provider? Someone who wants to use their God given gifts rather than looking for leisure? Etc. Is OP looking for the right things? Are they offering the right things to someone else?
  3. As someone who has been happily married for over a decade can attest: it’s hard enough to meet someone nice and marry them. Then the REAL hard part begins: being a good spouse and keeping your spouse happy, and becoming a parent and a good one!
 
As others have said, the original post does demonstrate an inappropriate attitude, but he’s angry, and frustrated, and probably feels less of God’s love in his life than he wishes he did. As a 30-year-old man who has never been in a romantic relationship despite wanting one badly, I can probably sympathize with him more than most of the people here. That said, some reflection and meditation, combined with spiritual guidance, would probably be best.

I’d also like to point out that the following kinds of posts are not helpful:
Viki63 said:
If you are not happy as a single person, you will not be happy in the married state.
It is much harder to be married than single, even if your wife is a paragon of virtue and beauty.
It involves sacrifice, hard work and dying to self.
As others suggested, work on becoming the kind of man someone would want to marry. Get rid of the bitterness and anger.
God bless.
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Kelfa28 said:
What other’s have stated rings so true.

If you can’t be happy while you are single, then there is no way you can improve your happiness by getting married.

Marriage does not guarantee happiness, security, social-standing and/or success. Marriage opens plenty of doors but quite a few of those doors are entry-ways to additional stressors and problems.

Marriage is work. Plain and simple and you are just as likely to question God’s plan and purpose while married as you would if you were single.

If you have trouble coping with the sadness that is brought about while being single then nothing will change if you do get married.

You need therapy. Not a girlfriend.
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Clearly, these posters need to get off their high horses.

Is married life difficult? Sure it is! I think it’s all too easy, though, to overlook the blessings that marriage affords one and forget how difficult being single is.

If your sadness comes from feeling worthless as a man because every single woman you’ve met has judged you as such, then why wouldn’t being in the presence of a woman who thinks you’re the most important person in her life lessen that sadness?

Why would you dismiss the value of having someone who relies on you for emotional support, and who wants you to rely on her for emotional support, as well?

Perhaps there are people on this forum who have forgotten (or maybe never knew) the loneliness, self-doubt, and anguish that comes from prolonged singlehood. Perhaps there are some who even long for the days when they could cry themselves to sleep in the dark, lonely nights, wondering how long it would take for people to notice if they didn’t wake up in the morning. Perhaps they never wondered why it was so easy for some people to find someone to open their hearts, or if the fact that they couldn’t meant that they were a terrible person. Perhaps these feelings never drove them to the depths of depression where a person starts praying for death and to be spared resurrection, because life seems like boundless pain and who in their right mind could want more of that?

Yes, I’m sure married life is difficult, but don’t for an instant try to tell me or anyone else that single life isn’t just as difficult or more.
 
JorduSpeaks said:
Clearly, these posters need to get off their high horses.

You may think they are on their high horses, but it’s really the gospel truth.

If your sadness comes from feeling worthless as a man because every single woman you’ve met has judged you as such, then why wouldn’t being in the presence of a woman who thinks you’re the most important person in her life lessen that sadness?

**1. Every single woman doesn’t think you are worthless–they just think you aren’t the right one for them to eat dinner with for the next 50 years. There is a considerable difference between “worthless” and “not right for me.”
  1. Once you’re married, keeping your spouse the most important person in your life is not at all automatic. It is easy to put a boss first, a fun coworker first, friends first, kids first, etc. Worse yet, non-persons (like the internet or sports or whatever) will sometimes seem to be more important. Do not assume that marriage guarantees you a continual cheering section of one.
There will not infrequently be times when your spouse thinks that you are being selfish and stupid and when you think that your spouse is being selfish and stupid. Not a lot of times, hopefully, but they will happen. **

Why would you dismiss the value of having someone who relies on you for emotional support, and who wants you to rely on her for emotional support, as well?
**
That cancels out, you know.

They carry you, but you also have to carry them.

Plus all your kids, of course.
**

Perhaps there are people on this forum who have forgotten (or maybe never knew) the loneliness, self-doubt, and anguish that comes from prolonged singlehood. Perhaps there are some who even long for the days when they could cry themselves to sleep in the dark, lonely nights, wondering how long it would take for people to notice if they didn’t wake up in the morning. Perhaps they never wondered why it was so easy for some people to find someone to open their hearts, or if the fact that they couldn’t meant that they were a terrible person. Perhaps these feelings never drove them to the depths of depression where a person starts praying for death and to be spared resurrection, because life seems like boundless pain and who in their right mind could want more of that?

**I remember being sad about being single and it seemed like a million years even though objectively it wasn’t that long.

But, interestingly, I found my husband right after one of the socially richest and most productive times of my life, when I had very strong friendships and was working very hard to serve others. (I had just finished up two years overseas as a Peace Corps volunteer.)

I do not think that that was a coincidence that I found my husband right after I’d had a lot of success being single. Not that I never felt lonely or sad, but it’s one of the times in my life that I’m proudest of**

Yes, I’m sure married life is difficult, but don’t for an instant try to tell me or anyone else that single life isn’t just as difficult or more.
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Read more sad CAF marriage posts.

You’re comparing bad singlehood to good marriage, whereas you ought to either be comparing good singlehood to good marriage, or bad singlehood to bad marriage.

Even under the best of circumstances, there are frustrations involved in marriage and parenthood that you can’t even imagine at this point.
 
I can understand what you are feeling. When I look back at my life - I can see that perhaps, I felt the same way.

All I wanted when I was in my twenties was to get married and have a family. All around me, others were getting married and having families. But it just wasn’t happening for me.

When I look back, I realize that I spent all my energy in my education and profession. I became the best uncle anyone ever had. I had lots of things that others would have like, but I never had what I really wanted.

Oh and bad dates - don’t even start talking to me about that. When I did have energy to date - after working so much, I expected dates to be great or it was a waste of my time. Dating was more of a chore than something I enjoyed.

People set me up on blind dates. I really didn’t enjoy those - Sure, you think it’s the perfect woman for me - but I can’t see it. It seems to me that you just found some woman who was single and since I was single, you that we’d be a perfect match.

My twenties soon went away, and I reached my late thirties. I was still working tons of hours. It was before the internet and online dating. It was embarrassing, but I even joined one of those matchmatching services. Sure I went on a lot of dates, but it wasn’t enjoyable. There was even a couple that were a few months long.

And I would pray, too. “Jesus, what is going on? What is it that you want out of me?” If I am supposed to be single, then that’s fine, but I need to know.

And then I hit forty. It finally dawned on me - I’m not going to be a parent. I’m probably not going to get married. So I decided I had better start being happy with who I was and where I was going. So I started praying that I become who I am supposed to be.

And I was happy. I was happy and fulfilled.

And do you know what happened? I was 42 years old. I went to a house-warming party and I met a woman in the kitchen. We just started talking. I had no expectations of anything, nor did she.

We got engaged a year after meeting, married a year after that. Today, we’ve been married for 11 years and have four children, our oldest is now 10.

It’s funny. at my age - many of my friends are grandparents. I’m still trudging back and forth to elementary school, soccer and baseball, piano and viola. And do you know what - I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

God didn’t give me what I wanted when I wanted it. God gave me what I needed when I was ready. (I guess I was just slower than most others)

So 27 seems to me like a pretty young age to have given up already. You’re about half my age - so, I’m going to turn it around on you. What would you say to a 13 year old who was ready to give up because he didn’t get a date for a school dance? or didn’t think he had what it took to get through his algebra?
 
JorduSpeaks said:
Yes, I’m sure married life is difficult, but don’t for an instant try to tell me or anyone else that single life isn’t just as difficult or more.
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I am very sorry you have felt so much loneliness. I believe it is very real and very painful for you. I think for those of us who have been married a long time see things in a different light. Being married is hard in a very different way than being single is hard. There a definite rewards of marriage but they are not automatic nor guaranteed.

If someone is emotionally unhealthy or looking at marriage to fill a void what happens is the marriage becomes emotionally unhealthy. We are not called to marriage so that our spouse can make us happy, keep us from being lonely, fill that hole in our lives. I just went to hear a priest speak two nights ago and he said our spouse in not there to make us happy. We are responsible for our happiness.

If you are wishing to die because you are so lonely you need to see a priest and probably a counselor-no one should ever put that burden on a relationship. A person needs to be filled up inside with God so he or she can lead their spouse to heaven. To be depressed and sad and lonely and expect another to fix that -if you attract anyone it will be another person with holes and what you will have is pain and dysfunction because it will not be a self sacrificing love it will be a desperate using of each other. And then instead of being single and lonely you will be married and lonely.And then if children are brought into that -the stress will tear everyone apart. And the children pay the price.

This is not being on a high horse. Its about being honest about the reality of married life. Not hollywood married life, not romance novel married life -real, everyday married life. There are rewards absolutely, but there’s also a lot of work, sacrifice, tears -you can’t enter into a life long commitment with deep wounds of loneliness and heartache. You will expect more from your spouse than they can ever give. Its a set up for disaster and pain.
 
rayne89 said:
I am very sorry you have felt so much loneliness. I believe it is very real and very painful for you. I think for those of us who have been married a long time see things in a different light. Being married is hard in a very different way than being single is hard. There a definite rewards of marriage but they are not automatic nor guaranteed.

If someone is emotionally unhealthy or looking at marriage to fill a void what happens is the marriage becomes emotionally unhealthy. We are not called to marriage so that our spouse can make us happy, keep us from being lonely, fill that hole in our lives. I just went to hear a priest speak two nights ago and he said our spouse in not there to make us happy. We are responsible for our happiness.

If you are wishing to die because you are so lonely you need to see a priest and probably a counselor-no one should ever put that burden on a relationship. A person needs to be filled up inside with God so he or she can lead their spouse to heaven. To be depressed and sad and lonely and expect another to fix that -if you attract anyone it will be another person with holes and what you will have is pain and dysfunction because it will not be a self sacrificing love it will be a desperate using of each other. And then instead of being single and lonely you will be married and lonely.And then if children are brought into that -the stress will tear everyone apart. And the children pay the price.

This is not being on a high horse. Its about being honest about the reality of married life. Not hollywood married life, not romance novel married life -real, everyday married life. There are rewards absolutely, but there’s also a lot of work, sacrifice, tears -you can’t enter into a life long commitment with deep wounds of loneliness and heartache. You will expect more from your spouse than they can ever give. Its a set up for disaster and pain.
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Yes.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
. . . Volunteer for something.

If you have trouble interacting around women, I cannot recommend social partner dancing highly enough. Take some group dance lessons, your objective is not to meet that special someone in class; rather, your objective is to get used to being around women and making small talk with them. Maybe you will even learn how to flirt with them. Since group classes usually rotate partners, you will have interactions with many different women. Women dancers like to be led around the floor so you will learn how to be assertive in setting the frame and leading your partner. Doesn’t matter what kind of partner dance you get started with, they all require the guy to lead, the girl to follow. Go with the music you like to listen to the most.
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OP, I second this advice heartily. I think both these things will take away some of the burden you feel, indirectly but effectively. Learning social dance is great even if you do have an easy time interacting with others. To me, it’s an ongoing, visceral lesson in relationship on a lot of levels. Lead and follow, listening through your body, spoken communication, being social and having manners, different types of music, all of it. And it’s fun. Plus, you can take your dance skills to a club or some such–you don’t have to take class after class (though that can be great too). There’s also the benefit of incidental human touch in a socially acceptable atmosphere (keeping the proper frame will provide a formal, respectful boundary).

And yes, volunteer. Volunteer. Volunteer. There’s something about volunteering that is so deeply helpful to just being a person, I’ve found, that is beyond explanation or measure. I feel like it’s a panacea. So establish that habit now. Pick something you absolutely love to do for free and commit to doing it for even just a little bit per week. (You may not absolutely love it every single minute all the time, so choose something that generally brings you joy.)

Take heart. Your faith has waned over this, and I understand that. I know. See if it waxes again, with or without a wife. Just see for yourself if that’s possible. I’m praying for you.
 
I didn’t meet my husband until I was older than you. I think your despair is premature.
 
In the end, finding a mate is about timing and circumstance. I hated my husband when I met him the first time. I thought he was a jerk. A year or so later, I thought he was adorable. We were both ready for a relationship. We both had some stuff to work out before we could be together.

Also, being single isn’t a death sentence. My uncle struggled with finding a mate for years, but he finally stopped trying and is content with his life. The truth is that he’s not very attractive and he’s kind of shy and it just made it that much harder to meet women. (Then he opens his mouth and you find that he’s a racist and that’s a huge turn off too!)

None of us know what God’s plan is, but we are supposed to live according to his will. All of us play different parts in the plan.

Also, as a convert, it seems to me that you could come up with a better reason to leave the church than “God won’t help me find a spouse”.

The truth is that God won’t help me do a lot of things either, but I’m not going to give up on God because He doesn’t give up on me.

A lot of good advice and stories were told on post. Think about it. Pray about it.

Instead of praying for a spouse, pray for the Lord to help you be the man that a woman would desire and want as a spouse. And ask him to help you learn to accept it if being married isn’t his will for your life.

It is sad to watch someone who wants to be married live a single life. However, I like to think that my uncle has been given some grace to deal with his situation.

Some people are just bad daters in our superficial world. It’s not a bad thing. We are just wired differently and don’t do superficial. Both my husband and I hated “dating” as it’s done these days and we are so glad that period of our lives is over.

Sorry for rambling on. I do that. You’ve got a lot of people praying for you.
 
Do not despair.

First off, being obsessive about finding a relationship and getting married can be scary for people. While it’s cliché advice, it’s true: love comes when you least expect it. You need to try your hardest not to try. Real love comes when you are working on every other aspect of your life. When you’re working hard at your job, at your spiritual life, at your physical life, volunteering with Catholic organizations, etc.

Also, you’re TWENTY SEVEN. While I argue it’s good to marry young (opposite of the trend these days), I didn’t stumble upon my wife until I was 28! I didn’t get married until I was 29! Which is good because, looking back, I was NOT mature enough to be a good husband/family man before I was 29.

So, work on bettering all other aspects of your life, calm down a bit, see what happens. I know it’s easier said than done but please try. It will happen when you least expect it to happen.

The suffering you speak of is partly self-inflicted it seems. God is putting you through this to teach you a lesson about yourself. Maybe he wants you to focus on other areas of your life before you’re fully ready for a real marriage.

Good luck. Be patient.
 
The OP has only two posts. His first was this one, made to another person despairing of finding a spouse:
JustALurker said:
I prefer to not post much, but I just had to comment here. This is an incredibly powerful and pertinent message. You said that this was a message from Jesus and I absolutely believe this to be true.

Gemma, I am a 26 year old single man who is in a very similar situation as you are. While God made it clear to me 1.5 years ago that I have a call to marriage, my dating life is a train-wreck and I have tried everything I can think of to force God to give me a spouse. I have tempted God by threatening to leave the Church, I have complained, hated and resented God. Often times I will end up begging God to make it clear to me that I will NEVER have a spouse just so that I can find peace and accept my lot in life. Each time this happens, I receive no sign one way or the other and this whole struggle repeats over and over again. This cycle is incredibly painful, and I can see how my faith in God could eventually be destroyed if I allow it to continue unchecked.

As was mentioned, we need to remember that this suffering is not coming from God but from Satan. It is Satan who manipulates our vision of the future to make our worst fears seem as though they are for sure going to come true. Unlike redemptive suffering that comes from God (which God then helps to make bearable by giving us graces), the suffering that you and I are experiencing is based out of our fear of the future. It is a simulated “cross” that is coming from the father of lies and there is no way that God can help us carry this cross because we are playing in Satan’s arena by entertaining such thoughts. While God does give us crosses, He ALWAYS gives us the tools we need to accept these crosses joyfully and it would never be His will for us to suffer in this manner.

Gemma, the answer to our prayers is Trust! We can trust that God is watching out for us and He is begging and pleading with us to allow Him to work His plan in our lives if only we could give Him the steering wheel! Please read and re-read that above message from Jesus. There is something profoundly soothing in AussieAngel’s words.

God bless! 🙂
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He hasn’t been posting here; perhaps he has gone back, read his own advice, and taken heart. We can hope. At any rate, he knows everything we’re telling him. He’s just going through a very difficult time trying to live it. Don’t we all? Keep him in your prayers, everybody!
 
I’m 38 and single. I totally understand longing and even some frustration, but not in the way the OP has voiced it. It doesn’t seem healthy at all. Many of my friends are single, several older than I. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans… 😉
 
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