If you're over 25 and never had a significant other

[Bartolome_Casas]

My suggestion: Think less about “romance,” think more about “business.” What do I mean? I mean, if you want to have your own family (husband and kids), then make it your business to make that happen. Get serious. Get focused. Figure out how this dating and marriage system and “game” in America works, and get in and play that game to win. Just get it done. Otherwise, you will not have your own family in this life. Do not be passive, and just wait for it to happen. Imagine that you are a character played by Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts. Take charge, as appropriate. Be realistic. Be determined.

If you are not physically fit as possible, get that done, get it done now, within 3 to 6 months. Some will say it is shallow, but the real fact is that “looks” is what people first see, and that’s just the reality. Just take care of that, and it will make the whole adventure easier. It’s really very simple: Calories in, calories out.

Get on sites like Match.com, eHarmony.com, CatholicMatch.com.

If you want a dating or relationship coach, you will not go wrong with Toni Coleman. consum-mate.com/newsroom/bio.htm

It’s all up to you. Or, as St. Ignatius of Loyola said, pray like it is all up to God, work like it is all up to you.

 

[skigirl1689]

I’m not over 25 but just recently told my dad, when he was “lamenting” having to pay for 3 weddings (he has three daughters), I did not think I’d ever get married. But when I see these threads, I think, “if only my situation was so simple.” I have a significant physical disability, so guys don’t even consider me as a potential date, let alone wife…and I go to a university with a 75% male population!

At times I think I have come to terms with it but yet family members bug me about not having a boyfriend or friends saying you never know what can happen. But I’m not sure if some people just know they won’t marry or if it just never happens for some people.

Just my two cents.

 

[SeekNFind]

My suggestion: Think less about “romance,” think more about “business.” What do I mean? I mean, if you want to have your own family (husband and kids), then make it your business to make that happen. Get serious. Get focused. Figure out how this dating and marriage system and “game” in America works, and get in and play that game to win. Just get it done. Otherwise, you will not have your own family in this life. Do not be passive, and just wait for it to happen. Imagine that you are a character played by Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts. Take charge, as appropriate. Be realistic. Be determined.

If you are not physically fit as possible, get that done, get it done now, within 3 to 6 months. Some will say it is shallow, but the real fact is that “looks” is what people first see, and that’s just the reality. Just take care of that, and it will make the whole adventure easier. It’s really very simple: Calories in, calories out.

Get on sites like Match.com, eHarmony.com, CatholicMatch.com.

If you want a dating or relationship coach, you will not go wrong with Toni Coleman. consum-mate.com/newsroom/bio.htm

It’s all up to you. Or, as St. Ignatius of Loyola said, pray like it is all up to God, work like it is all up to you.

Your suggestions are extremely valid. I remember reading a book that said to treat getting married like one would search for a job. I’ve tried the proactive approach but it hasn’t worked for me. I don’t rule out trying online dating in the future again. I also know someone who paid a matchmaker to introduce her to guys and she married her guy in about 1.5 years.

 

[SeekNFind]

I’m not over 25 but just recently told my dad, when he was “lamenting” having to pay for 3 weddings (he has three daughters), I did not think I’d ever get married. But when I see these threads, I think, “if only my situation was so simple.” I have a significant physical disability, so guys don’t even consider me as a potential date, let alone wife…and I go to a university with a 75% male population!

At times I think I have come to terms with it but yet family members bug me about not having a boyfriend or friends saying you never know what can happen. But I’m not sure if some people just know they won’t marry or if it just never happens for some people.

Just my two cents.

Thank you for sharing. Although you feel that your disability is the “fatal flaw” that may keep a guy from being interested in you, he may be attracted to your strength, perseverance and character. I recently came across this blog written by a woman with disabilities: melissabxoxo.blogspot.com/search/label/Letters%20to%20my%20future%20husband who writes letters to her future husband. I find it very inspirational.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

I’m not over 25 but just recently told my dad, when he was “lamenting” having to pay for 3 weddings (he has three daughters), I did not think I’d ever get married.

My younger cousin just got married to her boyfriend and my uncle had to pay. I was clueless that the bride’s family had to pay for the wedding as I never really thought about that before. My dad told me that is one of the reasons he loved never having a daughter.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

Your suggestions are extremely valid. I remember reading a book that said to treat getting married like one would search for a job. I’ve tried the proactive approach but it hasn’t worked for me. I don’t rule out trying online dating in the future again. I also know someone who paid a matchmaker to introduce her to guys and she married her guy in about 1.5 years.

I disagree with changing too much unless everyone around you that know you best are strongly urging a change. Looks and approaching dating like a job intervew rarely works. I know people that arent attractive at all that have no problems with dating. Its all about timing and circumstances. For some people, the time just isnt right and things dont come together. For one reason or another, but nothing that could really be changed. Often, when you change it is the thing you become that becomes part of your next failure in dating. You honestly are playing a game where you have no real control of your own destiny. As much as we might like to brag about our prowess in dating, it always takes two to tango. Two people need to come together at the right moment to make it happen. It is really not a science when you look at the type of people that do fall in love. Often I find myself wondering how these people that fight and argue fall in love. The answer is that circumstances fell into place to allow it.

 

[Musician]

My suggestion: Think less about “romance,” think more about “business.” What do I mean? I mean, if you want to have your own family (husband and kids), then make it your business to make that happen. Get serious. Get focused. Figure out how this dating and marriage system and “game” in America works, and get in and play that game to win. Just get it done. Otherwise, you will not have your own family in this life. Do not be passive, and just wait for it to happen. Imagine that you are a character played by Angelina Jolie or Julia Roberts. Take charge, as appropriate. Be realistic. Be determined.

If you are not physically fit as possible, get that done, get it done now, within 3 to 6 months. Some will say it is shallow, but the real fact is that “looks” is what people first see, and that’s just the reality. Just take care of that, and it will make the whole adventure easier. It’s really very simple: Calories in, calories out.

Get on sites like Match.com, eHarmony.com, CatholicMatch.com.

If you want a dating or relationship coach, you will not go wrong with Toni Coleman. consum-mate.com/newsroom/bio.htm

It’s all up to you. Or, as St. Ignatius of Loyola said, pray like it is all up to God, work like it is all up to you.

I have wanted to say this very thing to many single people. This is all very true!!!
I KNEW I was cut out to be a wife and mother and made sure I did everything in my power to attract the right kind of man who would be what I wanted in a husband and father. Guys can be pretty dumb on subtle cues (sorry, guys, it is just nature’s way!!!) so sometimes you do have to step out of your comfort zone to get to them.
But if you want an SO, do what you have to do to find one! It’s simply biological!

 

[Viki63]

It’s better to be single and in God’s will than marry the wrong person. I did that, ended up with 2 beautiful babies, and raised them by myself for 17 years. God eventually showed me that having a spouse doesn’t guarantee happiness, you can be happy by yourself.
Ended up falling in love when I had totally given up, married after an annulment, adopted 2 more kids and acquired a stepdaughter, who now has a grandbaby. The kids are the best part, though it’s nice to have someone around to talk to. But marriage is work! My husband is a nice guy, but there are always things to discuss, iron out, differences of opinion, different points of view.
By the way, I didn’t meet him until I was well along in the adoption process, so that’s something you might consider. Plenty of foster kids need adoptive parents. That might be more rewarding than getting a dog . … and having kids will definitely keep the wrong kind of men away!

 

[SeekNFind]

I disagree with changing too much unless everyone around you that know you best are strongly urging a change. Looks and approaching dating like a job intervew rarely works. I know people that arent attractive at all that have no problems with dating. Its all about timing and circumstances.** For some people, the time just isnt right and things dont come together. For one reason or another, but nothing that could really be changed.** Often, when you change it is the thing you become that becomes part of your next failure in dating. You honestly are playing a game where you have no real control of your own destiny. As much as we might like to brag about our prowess in dating, it always takes two to tango. Two people need to come together at the right moment to make it happen. It is really not a science when you look at the type of people that do fall in love. Often I find myself wondering how these people that fight and argue fall in love. The answer is that circumstances fell into place to allow it.

I really think this is my situation. I vacillate between how much control I need to take in dating versus how much is simply not up to me. I honestly don’t know. Some days I think God must really love me to spare me from heartache and other days I think God could care less about my love life. I don’t really believe the latter but when you’re sad, crazy thoughts flood into your head. I’ve always believed you can’t control someone else. Even when I had guys saying they wanted to date me, they never really made the effort. It’s like they didn’t think I’d actually be nice and agree to the date. . . Falling in love is a HUGE mystery to me, mostly because it’s never happened to me and I can only imagine it. What a blessing for those who have it though!

 

[SeekNFind]

I have wanted to say this very thing to many single people. This is all very true!!!
I KNEW I was cut out to be a wife and mother and made sure **I did everything in my power to attract the right kind of man who would be what I wanted in a husband and father. **Guys can be pretty dumb on subtle cues (sorry, guys, it is just nature’s way!!!) so sometimes you do have to step out of your comfort zone to get to them.
But if you want an SO, do what you have to do to find one! It’s simply biological!

Thanks for sharing. Can you elaborate on what you did?

 

[SeekNFind]

It’s better to be single and in God’s will than marry the wrong person. I did that, ended up with 2 beautiful babies, and raised them by myself for 17 years. God eventually showed me that having a spouse doesn’t guarantee happiness, you can be happy by yourself.
Ended up falling in love when I had totally given up, married after an annulment, adopted 2 more kids and acquired a stepdaughter, who now has a grandbaby. The kids are the best part, though it’s nice to have someone around to talk to. But marriage is work! My husband is a nice guy, but there are always things to discuss, iron out, differences of opinion, different points of view.
By the way, I didn’t meet him until I was well along in the adoption process, so that’s something you might consider. Plenty of foster kids need adoptive parents. That might be more rewarding than getting a dog . … and having kids will definitely keep the wrong kind of men away!

Coming from a home where I *never *saw romantic love (admittedly a lot of my ideas on romance and courtship come from Jane Austen novels ), I would absolutely not trade being happy and alone for being miserable but in a relationship. I do want to have children and I have thought about adoption. . .I’m very happy that you found your happily ever after.

 

[chevalier]

This thread is for you!

So, I’m 30 and find myself in that unfortunate predicament. Although I have dated in the past, they were meaningless and it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I know some of us are late bloomers but over 25, it seems like the bud has fallen off the stem, never to bloom.

Although I’ve almost (ALMOST) given up on the idea of romantic love, I do sometimes wonder what it will be like if I meet someone. I’m so much less awkward with guys now but not totally. I wonder: will he judge me because I’m inexperienced? Will he think it’s weird? Will I know how to act in a romantic relationship (like is it animal instinct)? Will I become clingy and turn him off? Am I doomed to a life of singleness. These are just some of the thoughts running through my head.

Just wondering who else is in a similar situation. . .Maybe we can encourage each other to not totally lose hope.

I am in a similar situation, although not inexperienced (maybe in clearly in-relationship stuff but definitely not in terms of romantic failures, of which I’ve lost the count).

Don’t worry about being judged by or for inexperience. That kind of judgement would take a secular pattern of thinking to accomplish. The idea that a romantic partner should be experienced is totally off and it never ceases to baffle me.

You’ve probably escaped a lot of damage, by the way.

Don’t get yourself in a “doomed” pattern of thinking. Those are self-fulfilling prophecies. And you need to watch yourself to avoid negativity.

I agree that it’s not just a gender thing. I know guys suffer too.

Yes, they do. I remember taking sedative herbs to ease the tension one particularly bad day. It can and does get awful, just to avoid you developing a wrong impression from the above positivity. But one’s gotta be strong and soldier on.

---

For the record, in reference to what other posters have said, the dating or relationship area may very much resemble the business sector or job seeking. It does. Which scares me. If that works for people, that’s good for them as long as they are happy. Running a household together is some kind of joint enterprise. However, it doesn’t work for me. If I wanted a general partnership, I’d draw up an agreement with a buddy from law school (and in reality, I’d prefer to settle on a handshake anyway). I positively do not want something business-like (not like I’d have anything against running a law firm with a wife). I’m very disheartened when I experience women taking things from a business angle.

---

Agree on looks. They don’t solve everything but they surely improve attraction, hasten up decision or commitment, and help break the ice. This said, I’ve decided not to sign up with a gym (I’m what one would call handsome but without any trace of body building). Maybe some other time.

 

[carguy]

Take heart. I never dated before age 25. Actually, I was 26 before I even found someone I wanted to date. (Unfortunately, he didn’t want to date me.)

But, at 28, I started chatting with a guy here on the CAF…and now, about 2 years later, we’re engaged.

Very lucky

 

[carguy]

It really is a combination of things. Ive spent much of my time the past 6 years in the South and havent had that much time to do things in an area with conservative Catholics. I also do a poor job of reading subtle clues from woman. Im very straightfoward and have never been good at seeing less direct hints. However, the biggest reason is simply things have not come together. There has been ample opportunity but for one reason or another things fell apart.

When I lack patience, its normally when I feel that she is playing hard to get and not being totally honest. I like it when things are clear, black and white. Grey areas kind of get me a bit impatient. I tend to like to be either have a girl be interested and have it known rather than a slow romantic build up. I also like being told straight up yes or no.

I know what you mean I can’t read it women too. I have never had any lucky with women and always seem to get friend zoned because I can’t read the signs and can be very shy when it comes women I like.

 

[SeekNFind]

I am in a similar situation, although not inexperienced (maybe in clearly in-relationship stuff but definitely not in terms of romantic failures, of which I’ve lost the count).

Don’t worry about being judged by or for inexperience. That kind of judgement would take a secular pattern of thinking to accomplish. The idea that a romantic partner should be experienced is totally off and it never ceases to baffle me.

You’ve probably escaped a lot of damage, by the way.

Don’t get yourself in a “doomed” pattern of thinking. Those are self-fulfilling prophecies. And you need to watch yourself to avoid negativity.

Yes, they do. I remember taking sedative herbs to ease the tension one particularly bad day. It can and does get awful, just to avoid you developing a wrong impression from the above positivity. But one’s gotta be strong and soldier on.

---

For the record, in reference to what other posters have said, the dating or relationship area may very much resemble the business sector or job seeking. It does. Which scares me. If that works for people, that’s good for them as long as they are happy. Running a household together is some kind of joint enterprise. However, it doesn’t work for me. If I wanted a general partnership, I’d draw up an agreement with a buddy from law school (and in reality, I’d prefer to settle on a handshake anyway). I positively do not want something business-like (not like I’d have anything against running a law firm with a wife). I’m very disheartened when I experience women taking things from a business angle.

---

Agree on looks. They don’t solve everything but they surely improve attraction, hasten up decision or commitment, and help break the ice. This said, I’ve decided not to sign up with a gym (I’m what one would call handsome but without any trace of body building). Maybe some other time.

Although I may have escaped hurt and damage, there’s a part of me that’s completely untested/undeveloped and so I wonder if something is missing if that makes sense. I do think thoughts are powerful so I try hard to not sink into those dark thoughts. But it happens sometimes.

Although I get the whole partnership in terms of running a household and raising a family, that just seems really sterile to me in terms of falling in love. Then again, my ideas on what falling in love looks like aren’t based in fact and just a hunch of how I think love should be.

In terms of looks, I can honestly say I don’t have a physical type. All the guys I’ve been attracted to have had some personality quirk or some physical trait that I was attracted to but there’s no commonality among them. I know guys are more visual than women (or so “they” say) so I won’t deny that putting your best face forward is important.

 

[Inwe86]

This thread is for you!

So, I’m 30 and find myself in that unfortunate predicament. Although I have dated in the past, they were meaningless and it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I know some of us are late bloomers but over 25, it seems like the bud has fallen off the stem, never to bloom.

Although I’ve almost (ALMOST) given up on the idea of romantic love, I do sometimes wonder what it will be like if I meet someone. I’m so much less awkward with guys now but not totally. I wonder: will he judge me because I’m inexperienced? Will he think it’s weird? Will I know how to act in a romantic relationship (like is it animal instinct)? Will I become clingy and turn him off? Am I doomed to a life of singleness. These are just some of the thoughts running through my head.

Just wondering who else is in a similar situation. . .Maybe we can encourage each other to not totally lose hope.

I’m turning 26 this year and never had a real relationship. I totally understand what you’re feeling. I used to feel so hopeful, and now I’m only feeling somewhat cynical. I really don’t want to be single for the rest of my life, but I’m not desperate either. I am praying, though, that the right man does come along eventually. I’ll say some prayers for you.

 

[chevalier]

Although I may have escaped hurt and damage, there’s a part of me that’s completely untested/undeveloped and so I wonder if something is missing if that makes sense. I do think thoughts are powerful so I try hard to not sink into those dark thoughts. But it happens sometimes.

Untested likely, undeveloped—not so likely. Even so, a great thing about youth marriages is how they grow up together.

Although I get the whole partnership in terms of running a household and raising a family, that just seems really sterile to me in terms of falling in love. Then again, my ideas on what falling in love looks like aren’t based in fact and just a hunch of how I think love should be.

Our ideas of love are still influenced by the whole romance thing that goes back to the middle ages, to Provence, and then back to Andalusia, to something which was a heresy of Islam (wiki on courtly love). And then 18th-19th century novels, some of which equally stupid on some points. (And the whole affirmation of sensuality, sometimes very stupid sensuality, isn’t a great thing.) Realising this and filtering the non-Christian or even God-offending ideas away is a good idea.

Hunches can be wrong, by the way. For example, feeling the same kind of feelings for a woman as for his close friends will make a man ask himself questions if it’s friendship or something else or he might even presume the something else. That part about choosing to share your life with someone is really important. The whole “Hollywood stuff” (from back when it wasn’t casual sex anyway) could find a different expression in your life.

In terms of looks, I can honestly say I don’t have a physical type. All the guys I’ve been attracted to have had some personality quirk or some physical trait that I was attracted to but there’s no commonality among them. I know guys are more visual than women (or so “they” say) so I won’t deny that putting your best face forward is important.

There are theories about that but they don’t necessarily find confirmation in real life. Women can be very visual, women can have bigger tempers than men, men be emotional or romantic or whatever. Generally, everybody is a human person, which is a big thing, and needs to be approached as such!

 

[SeekNFind]

Our ideas of love are still influenced by the whole romance thing that goes back to the middle ages, to Provence, and then back to Andalusia, to something which was a heresy of Islam (wiki on courtly love). And then 18th-19th century novels, some of which equally stupid on some points. (And the whole affirmation of sensuality, sometimes very stupid sensuality, isn’t a great thing.) Realising this and filtering the non-Christian or even God-offending ideas away is a good idea.

Hunches can be wrong, by the way. For example, feeling the same kind of feelings for a woman as for his close friends will make a man ask himself questions if it’s friendship or something else or he might even presume the something else. That part about choosing to share your life with someone is really important. The whole “Hollywood stuff” (from back when it wasn’t casual sex anyway) could find a different expression in your life.

There are theories about that but they don’t necessarily find confirmation in real life. Women can be very visual, women can have bigger tempers than men, men be emotional or romantic or whatever. Generally, everybody is a human person, which is a big thing, and needs to be approached as such!

Good points. When (if ) I enter a relationship, I’m sure the experience will be quite interesting! I think at 30 I’m at the point that I would not disqualify a guy because I didn’t feel an immediate spark (the old Hollywood zing). I’ve often encouraged my friends to give a good guy a chance and not stop taking his calls because he didn’t make the earth move under her feet on the first date. I definitely believe love can develop as a slow grow and suspect this is how it will happen to me. After all, those Jane Austen novels were all about waiting, waiting and more waiting! Haha, we’ll see!

 

[chevalier]

Good points. When (if ) I enter a relationship, I’m sure the experience will be quite interesting! I think at 30 I’m at the point that I would not disqualify a guy because I didn’t feel an immediate spark (the old Hollywood zing). I’ve often encouraged my friends to give a good guy a chance and not stop taking his calls because he didn’t make the earth move under her feet on the first date. I definitely believe love can develop as a slow grow and suspect this is how it will happen to me. After all, those Jane Austen novels were all about waiting, waiting and more waiting! Haha, we’ll see!

I think plenty of romantic novels, at least of the better kind (that involve a tale of honour, something about loyalty, service to the king and/or the nation etc.) feature the cliché where a particularly worthy spouse material is discovered without previously causing sparks. Say, sir Walter Scott’s Waverley, where the spark-inducing Flora McIvor (a Catholic female version of dark and handsome and I do wonder if Arwen wasn’t partially based on her) is lost to main hero as she enters a convent and he ties his lot to the bright and radiant lovely Rose (more of a Eowyn type, as I imagine). I can think of a later similar novel from a Polish author, where a knight’s youthful flame (and clandestine wife actually, this time the bright and radiant heroine being cast here) is lost to psych damage from torture and he ends up marrying a friend who has been helping out him and his father-in-law (despite being a dark and handsome sort of type). As you see, there won’t always be sparks first.

Also, chemistry can be weird. Sometimes it hits hard but is short-lived. Sometimes you fail to notice it for months but it hits you with a sudden realisation when the man goes out of the picture. Actually, my history with women shows plenty of both varieties, often in the same woman. Myself, I at one point realised that there was a phone number I remembered for years, even when I did not remember my own. (Didn’t work out, by the way.) There is no one true way, and people aren’t really consistent anyway (they can register a strong impression, withdraw quickly under some kind of scare effect, then get out of hiding after months).

 

[Lochias]

Gonna be 30 in March, and I’ve yet to meet “the one”…I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing that really went anywhere. Some days I’m really down about it, but I just let God do His thing. Like other guys on here have admitted to, I’m not very good at picking up on subtle cues, and I’m shy as all get-out to boot. I’m working on that this year by getting myself into better shape, both physically and spiritually. My greatest growth has been in the spiritual department for the last year and a half, and focusing on the wonderful things God HAS given me, and that I can give to others, is a great help.

I have to remind myself of a few things when I get down n’ lonely: God loves me, loves us all, He IS love. That means that, if we’re praying for an SO, and being good people otherwise n’ doing what we’re supposed to be doing, and it just doesn’t happen yet, well…it’s just not the right time. Our dear God won’t give us a scorpion when we ask for an egg…I went searching for the egg all on my own with the last relationship, and got stung instead. Lesson learned.

If we’re having to wait, it’s because God is letting us wait out of love, of kindness and mercy and patience and all of that good stuff. It’s hard to remember sometimes, but for our own peace of mind, our ability to help and love others, we’ve got to keep that in mind. No-one here, no-one, is ever alone. God put us here 'cause He knew we’d enjoy life, could find peace and wonder and joy in it 'cause He made it so, right?

To all the lonely folk here, and especially to the dear OP: Just keep truckin’ on along. Just like cutting down a tree, the things we look for in life take time, and then suddenly, with one last prayer or axe-stroke, the tree is felled. We’re called to hope, so please…take hope, and know that others (such as myself) are thinkin’ of you and prayin’ for you.