If you're over 25 and never had a significant other

[nickybr38]

I just wanted to comment on the conversation about people getting married for security/society/pressures/big weddings/etc…

Originally I never wanted to get married OR to have kids. When I was growing up people would tell me that I would make a fantastic wife but I always brushed it off because it wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t like those other little girls who dreamed of prince charming and being swept off my feet… I live a very independent life. I’m quite happy being alone. Own my car, own my house, pay my own bills… I’m in a REALLY good place. I definitely do not have security issues because I know I can take care of me. I don’t need someone to make me feel secure.

About a year ago I started asking the Lord what my vocation was and instead of saying: this is what you should do… I started to feel a strong desire to have a family, to have children…

After a period of discernment I started to think: I AM supposed to get married. That is what I’m being called to. When I made that decision there was a peace that came with it. Now my discernment process was really quick (less then a year) but when I sat down and asked God straight up He gave me my answer. Perhaps because I was ready.

Because of my experiences I have a hard time imagining that the majority of women out there are seeking marriage just for the big wedding, or the security. I suspect most seek marriage because they want a family of their own. They want children. They want a life mate. That can’t be simplified to ‘she just wants someone to take care of her’.

Just my thoughts. I apologize if I’m misunderstanding the general meaning of your conversation, by the way.

 

[exoflare]

It’s actually mandatory.

If it really was (it’s not), then we’re both in big trouble.

 

[chevalier]

I tend to agree with Nicky, although that may differ from place to place, mostly depending on local customs and outlooks. I doubt a “career woman” who does want to marry does so because of the big party. Actually, she might even struggle with the associated large expense that doesn’t help with loans or mortgages of which she may have taken a lot.

As for prince charming… nope. That’s passé. In my experience, that isn’t really what women want. Either they want it on some deep subconscious level, of which I have no verifiable knowledge, or not at all. Few people care for the ladies and gentlemen thing any more. If women actually want a decent man, it doesn’t really get as poetic as “prince charming”. It’s Mr DecentGuy, more like. Likewise with men.

If it really was (it’s not), then we’re both in big trouble.

Don’t make me go scholastic on you, please.

 

[exoflare]

Don’t make me go scholastic on you, please.

If you want to start a thread on why that “be fruitful and multiply” is actualy a command, and “go scholastic” on me there then be my guest. I just don’t want to derail this one any further. There’s no evidence that it is a command AFAIK and certainly none has been provided here, but maybe in another thread I would finally learn something.

 

[Bataar]

Do you have any good friends that might set you up with someone? Have you tried online dating? I normally hesitate to endorse online dating but it seems like online dating is geared towards men especially if they are shy because they can reach out to women more easily than say talking to a stranger on the street. Also are there any young professionals organizations in your city that cater to your interests ie a museum group or a group supporting the orchestra, etc. Those groups tend to attract both men and women and have lots of social activities for people to get to know each other.

Unfortunately, most of my friends are in the same boat I am in. The ones that aren’t, are so liberal/athiestic that while I enjoy hanging out with them, I wouldn’t trust them when it comes to dating. I’ve tried online dating, but it just didn’t seem to work out. I’m not shy, I have no problems talking with people as long as there’s something worth talking about, there just simply aren’t any single females in any of my social circles for me to interact with.

 

[fgh_123]

I understand why people want to get married (esp girls with the constant cloud of the billion dollar wedding industry over their heads), but I often wonder if people our age want it because of insecurity or for the true vocation that it is.

I am 29 and have never felt called to marriage and therefore do not date much. I am not against it in any way, I just don’t think it is for me. But, just like you say, if the “right person” comes along, I would re-assess if I am being called to marry. I am a woman, so of course I have been lectured (with good intentions) from my family about the need for marriage and that I will end up old, alone, and miserable if I do not marry. I politely reminded some of my them that marriage is a vocation to which one needs to be called, not something a person does to make family, friends, or society comfortable.

To the original poster - don’t fret! People (even Catholics - shock! awe!) are getting married later in life. 30 is hardly a death sentence for love. Remember - there is a plan for you, and no one knows what it is. Let it unfold naturally and enjoy life as it happens. Keep praying for direction and you will get there!

The difference is that we as Catholics are meant to be celibate at all times, thus having to go through puberty, teenage years, 20’s, mid twenties and finally hit our thirties before we enjoy one of the best pleasures in life.

It’s not natural on any front, thats why I would feel bloody strange at still being unmarried at 30 (I’m 22).

 

[nickybr38]

The difference is that we as Catholics are meant to be celibate at all times, thus having to go through puberty, teenage years, 20’s, mid twenties and finally hit our thirties before we enjoy one of the best pleasures in life.

It’s not natural on any front, thats why I would feel bloody strange at still being unmarried at 30 (I’m 22).

Best pleasures? HAHAHAHAH.

Wow. Really? I hope you’re referring to the joy of having children and not just the act of creating children?

 

[fgh_123]

Best pleasures? HAHAHAHAH.

Wow. Really? I hope you’re referring to the joy of having children and not just the act of creating children?

Considering the joy I get merely from holding my girlfriends hand, yes I’d say it ranks up there. Haven’t had children so I wouldn’t know. I’d expect children to be the crowning moment, but it dosen’t stop it from being one of the best pleasures. It’s not all about the physical, more the emotional connection between two people.

 

[Safia]

I don’t quite qualify, but I’ll be praying for you all.

If this helps anyone: I have a good friend who works as a Catholic missionary on university campuses, is super in love with Christ, and post-discernment is positive she’s being called to marriage. She’s 25 years old. She’s dated a ton. In the five months I’ve known her, she’s dated two very good guys, also in love with Christ (with awesome prayer lives = a requirement for her), and I know she’s dated at least two, three others. None of the relationships have lasted more than a few months (most, maybe two to three), simply because she’s been able to discern via prayer that they aren’t “the one.”

She’s been an incredible witness in my life, and so I urge you all to bring this prayer even more than you already have – pray for your vocation, pray for your future spouse, and trust. God is good, and God works outside of our time. He also hears what we desire most, and if for some reason we aren’t granted that, He returns those desires to us a hundredfold in other ways.

God bless!

 

[Bataar]

The difference is that we as Catholics are meant to be celibate at all times, thus having to go through puberty, teenage years, 20’s, mid twenties and finally hit our thirties before we enjoy one of the best pleasures in life.

It’s not natural on any front, thats why I would feel bloody strange at still being unmarried at 30 (I’m 22).

Yeah, I’m not going to say it’s one of the best pleasures (I wouldn’t know), but this definitely makes it very, very hard to live sin free if one has a very high sex drive.

 

[nickybr38]

Considering the joy I get merely from holding my girlfriends hand, yes I’d say it ranks up there. Haven’t had children so I wouldn’t know. I’d expect children to be the crowning moment, but it dosen’t stop it from being one of the best pleasures. It’s not all about the physical, more the emotional connection between two people.

I suppose I’ve had some pretty intense emotional connections with people whom I have absolutely no romantic interest in so I just don’t see how this could be the ‘best’ pleasure in life.

 

[Nec5]

Besides, the command to, ‘go forth and multiply,’ was given to Adam and Eve and it remains valid for the descending generations.

And all this time, math majors read it incorrectly. [/incoming lame/bad joke]

 

[chevalier]

Guess I should correct myself. It really is a blessing more than a command. There’s no “hard law” here, but there seems to be a requirement to marry and have children, respond a call to sacred ministry/religious life, or in some other way be productive. That is, life shouldn’t be focused on oneself, it should bring fruit. This is why it may seem somewhat problematic to decide not to marry (or enter ministry) but spend the saved time and attention span and mental focus on e.g. one’s hobbies (believe me when I say I’ve been tempted to give up on women in favour of Starcraft… or suing the liberals every morning if I got the founding). On the other hand, it’s different when those “hobbies” are actual service to the nation or society with undivided attention. Civil servants, sportsmen, artists, scientists, many of those folks never marry but are certainly not unproductive! Then again, I wouldn’t presume to speak against someone who decided to e.g. do some sport of private reading instead, possibly due to not feeling a specific call either way (not enough to swear celibacy, not enough to desire a family). I don’t want to take the route chosen by moralists in Judaism, who generally want a man married (or else). My apologies to Exoflare for (half-)‘witty’ replies, while at it. :tiphat:

 

[fgh_123]

Yeah, I’m not going to say it’s one of the best pleasures (I wouldn’t know), but this definitely makes it very, very hard to live sin free if one has a very high sex drive.

Dosen’t even have to be a “high” sex drive. It’s most natural for men to want to have sex, and our bodies are ready after like 12! So thus waiting til your 30 (nearly 20 years!) is unreasonable, and more to the point, unnatural.

I suppose I’ve had some pretty intense emotional connections with people whom I have absolutely no romantic interest in so I just don’t see how this could be the ‘best’ pleasure in life.

Mainly because they are not romantic interests? There is a girl I’m interested in, who really does grip me. She makes me feel alive like no woman has for a long long time. Embracing her gives me strength and courage. Kissing her makes my worries in life float away. And thats without sex coming into play…

 

[exoflare]

Guess I should correct myself. It really is a blessing more than a command. There’s no “hard law” here, but there seems to be a requirement to marry and have children, respond a call to sacred ministry/religious life, or in some other way be productive. That is, life shouldn’t be focused on oneself, it should bring fruit. This is why it may seem somewhat problematic to decide not to marry (or enter ministry) but spend the saved time and attention span and mental focus on e.g. one’s hobbies (believe me when I say I’ve been tempted to give up on women in favour of Starcraft… or suing the liberals every morning if I got the founding). On the other hand, it’s different when those “hobbies” are actual service to the nation or society with undivided attention. Civil servants, sportsmen, artists, scientists, many of those folks never marry but are certainly not unproductive! Then again, I wouldn’t presume to speak against someone who decided to e.g. do some sport of private reading instead, possibly due to not feeling a specific call either way (not enough to swear celibacy, not enough to desire a family). I don’t want to take the route chosen by moralists in Judaism, who generally want a man married (or else).

This is pretty much what I was getting around to. There is a pretty all-encompassing call to be fruitful in some way, but not necessarily by having children. Not that I don’t struggle with some temptations like that myself (in the past it actually WAS Starcraft ) and I’m still a long way from discerning what I should do with my own life.

My apologies to Exoflare for (half-)‘witty’ replies, while at it. :tiphat:

Accepted.

 

[exoflare]

Dosen’t even have to be a “high” sex drive. It’s most natural for men to want to have sex, and our bodies are ready after like 12! So thus waiting til your 30 (nearly 20 years!) is unreasonable, and more to the point, unnatural.

It doesn’t seem like nearly as big a deal once you get there, but I guess I wouldn’t have believed that back then either…

 

[nickybr38]

Dosen’t even have to be a “high” sex drive. It’s most natural for men to want to have sex, and our bodies are ready after like 12! So thus waiting til your 30 (nearly 20 years!) is unreasonable, and more to the point, unnatural.

That’s ridiculous.

Self control is a good thing, not a bad thing. Just because you have a desire does not mean you should or HAVE to act on it… or that not acting on it is unnatural or unreasonable.

I desire food. All the time. But if I ate as much as I want to eat I’d be a blimp. Good thing I have something called self-control.

And by the way, I’m a female with a very high sex drive as well. I have desire just like anyone else but I refrain and after 29 years I do not regret controlling my urges and restraining myself.

No children out of wed lock. No sexual diseases. No broken heart. No string of failed relationships. No worries at all for me… the only thing I have to deal with is desire and I’m getting to be a pro at ignoring my own desires.

 

[daisy_jones]

Thanks for the encouragement. My main worry isn’t that I’m 30 and single. It’s that I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship and single. With no current prospects. For me, I can honestly say marriage is not about the big wedding. I dream of really knowing someone and growing old with someone. Having sex outside of marriage is completely out of the question (but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it!) and I want to have a big family, so that depends on getting married too. I want all the things I’m supposed to want and I want to do it God’s way but I don’t know why things just aren’t lining up for me in this area. You’re right, all I can do is pray and try not to fret.

I think if a person isn’t called to marriage that’s fine and no less noble than someone who wants to get married. That’s his or her choice.

I hear you - I am almost 30 and have never had a relationship either. I guess it is different for me since I don’t think marriage is for me. But I have, at time, felt like a freak of nature for never having had a boyfriend! I just end up chalking it up to insecurity and thinking of all of the wonderful things I have experienced. Don’t worry - you are not alone in the ‘never had a relationship’ boat. It may be more common than you think, since I doubt many people don’t openly acknowledge it. Good luck with everything and I hope you find what you are looking for!

 

[daisy_jones]

The difference is that we as Catholics are meant to be celibate at all times, thus having to go through puberty, teenage years, 20’s, mid twenties and finally hit our thirties before we enjoy one of the best pleasures in life.

It’s not natural on any front, thats why I would feel bloody strange at still being unmarried at 30 (I’m 22).

You never know the crosses one has to bear in life. Maybe a life of celibacy is someone’s cross - that doesn’t make it unnatural! Plus, there are some people in the world who do not have the sexual desire that most are born with!

 

[fgh_123]

It doesn’t seem like nearly as big a deal once you get there, but I guess I wouldn’t have believed that back then either…

Don’t shatter my dreams.

That’s ridiculous.

Self control is a good thing, not a bad thing. Just because you have a desire does not mean you should or HAVE to act on it… or that not acting on it is unnatural or unreasonable.

I desire food. All the time. But if I ate as much as I want to eat I’d be a blimp. Good thing I have something called self-control.

And by the way, I’m a female with a very high sex drive as well. I have desire just like anyone else but I refrain and after 29 years I do not regret controlling my urges and restraining myself.

No children out of wed lock. No sexual diseases. No broken heart. No string of failed relationships. No worries at all for me… the only thing I have to deal with is desire and I’m getting to be a pro at ignoring my own desires.

I don’t for a second disagree with you in saying that self control is a bad thing, I find it very impressive that you’ve held on this long! I’m just saying, as a 22 year old guy who has held on through school, college and university that it goes across every instinct and that it’s hard to hold back from something when there is no end in sight.