If you're over 25 and never had a significant other

[chevalier]

Gonna be 30 in March, and I’ve yet to meet “the one”…I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing that really went anywhere. Some days I’m really down about it, but I just let God do His thing. Like other guys on here have admitted to, I’m not very good at picking up on subtle cues, and I’m shy as all get-out to boot. I’m working on that this year by getting myself into better shape, both physically and spiritually. My greatest growth has been in the spiritual department for the last year and a half, and focusing on the wonderful things God HAS given me, and that I can give to others, is a great help.

I have to remind myself of a few things when I get down n’ lonely: God loves me, loves us all, He IS love. That means that, if we’re praying for an SO, and being good people otherwise n’ doing what we’re supposed to be doing, and it just doesn’t happen yet, well…it’s just not the right time. Our dear God won’t give us a scorpion when we ask for an egg…I went searching for the egg all on my own with the last relationship, and got stung instead. Lesson learned.

If we’re having to wait, it’s because God is letting us wait out of love, of kindness and mercy and patience and all of that good stuff. It’s hard to remember sometimes, but for our own peace of mind, our ability to help and love others, we’ve got to keep that in mind. No-one here, no-one, is ever alone. God put us here 'cause He knew we’d enjoy life, could find peace and wonder and joy in it 'cause He made it so, right?

To all the lonely folk here, and especially to the dear OP: Just keep truckin’ on along. Just like cutting down a tree, the things we look for in life take time, and then suddenly, with one last prayer or axe-stroke, the tree is felled. We’re called to hope, so please…take hope, and know that others (such as myself) are thinkin’ of you and prayin’ for you.

I’m very good at subtle cues (would be a wonder if I weren’t, given the history and the time invested specifically in that kind of thing) but still in the same spot as you are. This just doesn’t guarantee anything.

Great idea with using the single time to get in shape. That is some kind of preparation that you will benefit from when you do find someone. Perhaps less to do and more to enjoy at that point.

Myself I’ve decided that God knows better, committed myself to Our Lady’s care, and decided to stop worrying. I will deal with the pain if it comes and I’m not going to avoid women either but I’ve decided it was time to stop worrying. There are things in my life that I enjoy (as well as things that need doing) and I’m not going to waste the opportunity by sitting there and being miserable.

 

[SeekNFind]

There is no one true way, and people aren’t really consistent anyway (they can register a strong impression, withdraw quickly under some kind of scare effect, then get out of hiding after months).

Yes, I totally agree with you

 

[SeekNFind]

Gonna be 30 in March, and I’ve yet to meet “the one”…I’ve had a few relationships, but nothing that really went anywhere. Some days I’m really down about it, but I just let God do His thing. Like other guys on here have admitted to, I’m not very good at picking up on subtle cues, and I’m shy as all get-out to boot. I’m working on that this year by getting myself into better shape, both physically and spiritually. **My greatest growth has been in the spiritual department for the last year and a half, and focusing on the wonderful things God HAS given me, and that I can give to others, is a great help. **

I have to remind myself of a few things when I get down n’ lonely: God loves me, loves us all, He IS love. That means that, if we’re praying for an SO, and being good people otherwise n’ doing what we’re supposed to be doing, and it just doesn’t happen yet, well…it’s just not the right time. Our dear God won’t give us a scorpion when we ask for an egg…I went searching for the egg all on my own with the last relationship, and got stung instead. Lesson learned.

If we’re having to wait, it’s because God is letting us wait out of love, of kindness and mercy and patience and all of that good stuff. It’s hard to remember sometimes, but for our own peace of mind, our ability to help and love others, we’ve got to keep that in mind. No-one here, no-one, is ever alone. God put us here 'cause He knew we’d enjoy life, could find peace and wonder and joy in it 'cause He made it so, right?

To all the lonely folk here, and especially to the dear OP: Just keep truckin’ on along. Just like cutting down a tree, the things we look for in life take time, and then suddenly, with one last prayer or axe-stroke, the tree is felled. We’re called to hope, so please…take hope, and know that others (such as myself) are thinkin’ of you and prayin’ for you.

Wow, such wonderful insights. I needed to hear (read) that. God bless you

 

[comrade1789]

This thread is for you!

So, I’m 30 and find myself in that unfortunate predicament. Although I have dated in the past, they were meaningless and it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I know some of us are late bloomers but over 25, it seems like the bud has fallen off the stem, never to bloom.

Although I’ve almost (ALMOST) given up on the idea of romantic love, I do sometimes wonder what it will be like if I meet someone. I’m so much less awkward with guys now but not totally. I wonder: will he judge me because I’m inexperienced? Will he think it’s weird? Will I know how to act in a romantic relationship (like is it animal instinct)? Will I become clingy and turn him off? Am I doomed to a life of singleness. These are just some of the thoughts running through my head.

Just wondering who else is in a similar situation. . .Maybe we can encourage each other to not totally lose hope.

Well, I see that you are a catechumen, so that is the best start. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you…

Trust in God, know that what He desires for you is what is best, trust that He loves you and knows what your desires are, and stay open to whatever He wants.

But you already know all this.

 

[Lochias]

Wow, such wonderful insights. I needed to hear (read) that. God bless you

:tiphat: Only took me a year and a half of banging my head into a proverbial wall before I was ready for those insights, too. God Bless ya back.

 

[shainski]

I don’t qualify for the topic anymore, but i wanted to share with you this.

I had a couple of short-lived relationships of fewer than six months or less - one in college and one in my mid-20s. Then i was spending so many hours dedicated to my career that i was nearing my 40s without any prospects.

I had always wanted to be a dad, but now that looked unlikely. I had no interest in settling for someone just to be married - because i was still happy. I never envisioned myself as single for ever, but now i was getting comfortable with the idea.

I never got the feelings that others had that i could fall in love instantly. A true relationship needed months. I guess i always fell in love with the personality - more than the looks. So i just didn’t know right away. I tried dating agencies for a while because i was so busy (This was before internet dating)

But I was not a serious praying person, but i did pray to Jesus, to help me make my decision - one way or the other. When i was 42 years old - I went to a condo-warming party of an acquaintance at church. At that party a woman walked into the kitchen and we got to talking. It was like everyone else at the party disappeared and we monopolized each others’ conversation for the entire evening.

It is now 10 years later - we married and have 4 children. I can’t tell you how quickly and completely every aspect of my life changed in a few unscripted moments when i was not looking for anything. (We still had to go through a few awkward months of dating, until we were completely comfortable with each other. It wasn’t immediately obvious that my life was about to change)

 

[SeekNFind]

I don’t qualify for the topic anymore, but i wanted to share with you this.

I had a couple of short-lived relationships of fewer than six months or less - one in college and one in my mid-20s. Then i was spending so many hours dedicated to my career that i was nearing my 40s without any prospects.

I had always wanted to be a dad, but now that looked unlikely. I had no interest in settling for someone just to be married - because i was still happy. I never envisioned myself as single for ever, but now i was getting comfortable with the idea.

I never got the feelings that others had that i could fall in love instantly. A true relationship needed months. I guess i always fell in love with the personality - more than the looks. So i just didn’t know right away. I tried dating agencies for a while because i was so busy (This was before internet dating)

But I was not a serious praying person, but i did pray to Jesus, to help me make my decision - one way or the other. When i was 42 years old - I went to a condo-warming party of an acquaintance at church. At that party a woman walked into the kitchen and we got to talking. It was like everyone else at the party disappeared and we monopolized each others’ conversation for the entire evening.

It is now 10 years later - we married and have 4 children. ** I can’t tell you how quickly and completely every aspect of my life changed in a few unscripted moments when i was not looking for anything.** (We still had to go through a few awkward months of dating, until we were completely comfortable with each other. It wasn’t immediately obvious that my life was about to change)

The bolded seems to be a recurrent theme that I often hear. . .What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing!

 

[fin]

wow what a wonderful story! You were not looking actively for anybody. You simply attended the party and your life has changed. I enjoy such stories.

I don’t qualify for the topic anymore, but i wanted to share with you this.

I had a couple of short-lived relationships of fewer than six months or less - one in college and one in my mid-20s. Then i was spending so many hours dedicated to my career that i was nearing my 40s without any prospects.

I had always wanted to be a dad, but now that looked unlikely. I had no interest in settling for someone just to be married - because i was still happy. I never envisioned myself as single for ever, but now i was getting comfortable with the idea.

I never got the feelings that others had that i could fall in love instantly. A true relationship needed months. I guess i always fell in love with the personality - more than the looks. So i just didn’t know right away. I tried dating agencies for a while because i was so busy (This was before internet dating)

But I was not a serious praying person, but i did pray to Jesus, to help me make my decision - one way or the other. When i was 42 years old - I went to a condo-warming party of an acquaintance at church. At that party a woman walked into the kitchen and we got to talking. It was like everyone else at the party disappeared and we monopolized each others’ conversation for the entire evening.

It is now 10 years later - we married and have 4 children. I can’t tell you how quickly and completely every aspect of my life changed in a few unscripted moments when i was not looking for anything. (We still had to go through a few awkward months of dating, until we were completely comfortable with each other. It wasn’t immediately obvious that my life was about to change)

 

[daisy_jones]

29 here and never had a SO, but in my case the longer I go on the more I don’t really think I ever want to get married in the first place. I’m still attracted to women, but I just don’t really understand why people make such a big fuss about wanting to be married… more specifically how the few positive aspects (IMO) are supposed to outweigh the negatives. I guess I’m not totally against it, and it’s possible I might change my mind later on if I happened to meet the “right person” by chance, but I don’t understand why so many people think it’s such a great thing they so desperately have to aspire to.

I understand why people want to get married (esp girls with the constant cloud of the billion dollar wedding industry over their heads), but I often wonder if people our age want it because of insecurity or for the true vocation that it is.

I am 29 and have never felt called to marriage and therefore do not date much. I am not against it in any way, I just don’t think it is for me. But, just like you say, if the “right person” comes along, I would re-assess if I am being called to marry. I am a woman, so of course I have been lectured (with good intentions) from my family about the need for marriage and that I will end up old, alone, and miserable if I do not marry. I politely reminded some of my them that marriage is a vocation to which one needs to be called, not something a person does to make family, friends, or society comfortable.

To the original poster - don’t fret! People (even Catholics - shock! awe!) are getting married later in life. 30 is hardly a death sentence for love. Remember - there is a plan for you, and no one knows what it is. Let it unfold naturally and enjoy life as it happens. Keep praying for direction and you will get there!

 

[chevalier]

I understand why people want to get married (esp girls with the constant cloud of the billion dollar wedding industry over their heads), but I often wonder if people our age want it because of insecurity or for the true vocation that it is.

The vocation to marriage is one “written into our hearts”, meaning that absent a specific vocation to religious celibacy (or Latin Rite Priesthood where celibacy is the binding discipline), this vocation is most likely present. It isn’t really a vocation so specific as one to the priesthood. Besides, the command to, ‘go forth and multiply,’ was given to Adam and Eve and it remains valid for the descending generations. So I wouldn’t expect “thou shalt marry” moment, I wouldn’t think that unless it happens to a person that person doesn’t have a vocation. Being heterosexual is already a big clue.

 

[nickybr38]

This thread is for you!

So, I’m 30 and find myself in that unfortunate predicament. Although I have dated in the past, they were meaningless and it’s been a while since I’ve been on a date. I have a lot of embarrassment about it. I know some of us are late bloomers but over 25, it seems like the bud has fallen off the stem, never to bloom.

Although I’ve almost (ALMOST) given up on the idea of romantic love, I do sometimes wonder what it will be like if I meet someone. I’m so much less awkward with guys now but not totally. I wonder: will he judge me because I’m inexperienced? Will he think it’s weird? Will I know how to act in a romantic relationship (like is it animal instinct)? Will I become clingy and turn him off? Am I doomed to a life of singleness. These are just some of the thoughts running through my head.

Just wondering who else is in a similar situation. . .Maybe we can encourage each other to not totally lose hope.

I’m turning 30 this year and I’m in the same situation you are in. I have dated but I have never been in a serious long term relationship nor have I ever been ‘in love’. I think I analyze too much with my head so I’ve never given my heart.

I do have a story of hope though! My roommate is 35 and she had only had one boyfriend in her entire life… she is getting married in four months!!! So… there you go. There’s some hope for us old girls.

She met her fiance last year and they were engaged within two months!

I guess when it’s right, it’s right.

 

[daisy_jones]

The vocation to marriage is one “written into our hearts”, meaning that absent a specific vocation to religious celibacy (or Latin Rite Priesthood where celibacy is the binding discipline), this vocation is most likely present. It isn’t really a vocation so specific as one to the priesthood. Besides, the command to, ‘go forth and multiply,’ was given to Adam and Eve and it remains valid for the descending generations. So I wouldn’t expect “thou shalt marry” moment, I wouldn’t think that unless it happens to a person that person doesn’t have a vocation. Being heterosexual is already a big clue.

Thanks for your response. If mine sounds like I am giving you an attitude, please know I am not. It is always tricking understanding the tone of written word - I really do appreciate your response!

I believe marriage still involves a strong call from God. I do not believe the masses should go and marry because we were told to ‘be fruitful and multiply’. Yes, a marriage should produce children, but two people should enter into marriage for more reasons than procreation. Any two people can marry and have children, but that will not guarantee they are on the path God gave them. I don’t think a “thou shalt marry” moment necessarily has to be an instantaneous thought or feeling (like a light bulb going off in your head), but instead an understanding that this is the way God is calling you. There are great responsibilities in a marriage (growing with your spouse to help get each other to heaven, raising / providing for children, etc.) and a person needs to be sure it is for them, if they are going to have the impetus to give 100%, which is what any marriage deserves.

I can honestly say that in my life, I have seen one strong, good, Catholic marriage, even though I am surrounded by good Catholics who are married. You might think because they have bad marriages they are not good Catholics, but they are. They come from a different social culture where if a young Catholic did not enter the religious life, they found a nice person to marry and have kids (the general rule of ‘marriage is for everyone’). Unfortunately, they were young and trying to please their family or society at large, and are now unhappy with the choice they made. Most have stayed married because they do not believe in divorce.

Should they work on their marriage? Most definitely - it is the right thing to do since they made the choice to get married. But I have found that a lot of misery is caused when you follow the general belief of ‘marriage for everyone’ instead of waiting to find out what God wants from you. Yes, more people will be called to marriage than not, but with the divorce rate what it is (and the unhappniess I have witnessed my entire life), I cannot help but see that some people who got married were not called to do so.

And those unhappy in their marriages are not fooling their children - an unhappy marriage takes a great toll on children and can produce emotional problems well into their adult lives. Marriage, and the procreation that stems from it, should be taken very seriously and discerned.

 

[chevalier]

Thanks for your response. If mine sounds like I am giving you an attitude, please know I am not. It is always tricking understanding the tone of written word - I really do appreciate your response!

Thank you for the considerate note. It’s rare to meet such a courteous person.

I don’t think a “thou shalt marry” moment necessarily has to be an instantaneous thought or feeling (like a light bulb going off in your head), but instead an understanding that this is the way God is calling you.

I tend to focus more on “talents” and the obligation to make the best of them, rather than an idea of some kind of micromanagement on God’s part. I still pray for guidance and I even used to pray for God to set someone on my path who will actually get along with me and the other way around, but that’s a different thing.

Unfortunately, they were young and trying to please their family or society at large, and are now unhappy with the choice they made. Most have stayed married because they do not believe in divorce.

They probably made the choice in accordance with natural law, driven by that universal desire to marry and prolong the species that applies to mankind, they didn’t give their all for some reasons or maybe one gave but the other did not. Hard to say.

Yes, more people will be called to marriage than not, but with the divorce rate what it is (and the unhappniess I have witnessed my entire life), I cannot help but see that some people who got married were not called to do so.

Nah, sin is still sin and there is also failure. Not everybody who fails at a task was not called to do it. I really doubt that lack of a calling is a serious factor in marriage breakdown. Lack of preparation, sure. Lack of elementary people skills, sure. Lack of fitness for marriage due to character flaws, sure. But not really lack of calling, barring the couple of people possibly had a calling to religious celibacy and made their marriage resemble a monastery.

 

[Bataar]

I’m 33 and am in the same boat. I’ve never had 2 dates with the same girl and haven’t been on a date in about 4 years. I just don’t have a way to meet anyone. There’s no one at work, I’m not in school or anything so that’s not an option and my hobbies/interests are pretty much male dominated. The few women who do participate are all in serious relationships and even if they weren’t, while they are nice, they’re on opposite sides of the cultural spectrum so I wouldn’t want to “date” them anyway.

 

[SeekNFind]

I understand why people want to get married (esp girls with the constant cloud of the billion dollar wedding industry over their heads), but I often wonder if people our age want it because of insecurity or for the true vocation that it is.

I am 29 and have never felt called to marriage and therefore do not date much. I am not against it in any way, I just don’t think it is for me. But, just like you say, if the “right person” comes along, I would re-assess if I am being called to marry. I am a woman, so of course I have been lectured (with good intentions) from my family about the need for marriage and that I will end up old, alone, and miserable if I do not marry. I politely reminded some of my them that marriage is a vocation to which one needs to be called, not something a person does to make family, friends, or society comfortable.

To the original poster - don’t fret! People (even Catholics - shock! awe!) are getting married later in life. 30 is hardly a death sentence for love. Remember - there is a plan for you, and no one knows what it is. Let it unfold naturally and enjoy life as it happens. Keep praying for direction and you will get there!

Thanks for the encouragement. My main worry isn’t that I’m 30 and single. It’s that I’m 30 and have never been in a relationship and single. With no current prospects. For me, I can honestly say marriage is not about the big wedding. I dream of really knowing someone and growing old with someone. Having sex outside of marriage is completely out of the question (but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it!) and I want to have a big family, so that depends on getting married too. I want all the things I’m supposed to want and I want to do it God’s way but I don’t know why things just aren’t lining up for me in this area. You’re right, all I can do is pray and try not to fret.

I think if a person isn’t called to marriage that’s fine and no less noble than someone who wants to get married. That’s his or her choice.

 

[SeekNFind]

I’m turning 30 this year and I’m in the same situation you are in. I have dated but I have never been in a serious long term relationship nor have I ever been ‘in love’. I think I analyze too much with my head so I’ve never given my heart.

I do have a story of hope though! My roommate is 35 and she had only had one boyfriend in her entire life… she is getting married in four months!!! So… there you go. There’s some hope for us old girls.

She met her fiance last year and they were engaged within two months!

I guess when it’s right, it’s right.

Wow, great story. Thanks for sharing!

 

[SeekNFind]

I’m 33 and am in the same boat. I’ve never had 2 dates with the same girl and haven’t been on a date in about 4 years. I just don’t have a way to meet anyone. There’s no one at work, I’m not in school or anything so that’s not an option and my hobbies/interests are pretty much male dominated. The few women who do participate are all in serious relationships and even if they weren’t, while they are nice, they’re on opposite sides of the cultural spectrum so I wouldn’t want to “date” them anyway.

Do you have any good friends that might set you up with someone? Have you tried online dating? I normally hesitate to endorse online dating but it seems like online dating is geared towards men especially if they are shy because they can reach out to women more easily than say talking to a stranger on the street. Also are there any young professionals organizations in your city that cater to your interests ie a museum group or a group supporting the orchestra, etc. Those groups tend to attract both men and women and have lots of social activities for people to get to know each other.

 

[exoflare]

Besides, the command to, ‘go forth and multiply,’ was given to Adam and Eve and it remains valid for the descending generations.

It was a blessing, not a command.

 

[exoflare]

but I often wonder if people our age want it because of insecurity

something a person does to make family, friends, or society comfortable.

Yeah, I’ve noticed there’s way too much of this.

 

[chevalier]

I think if a person isn’t called to marriage that’s fine and no less noble than someone who wants to get married. That’s his or her choice.

Umm… a calling and a choice aren’t the same thing, now, are they?

It was a blessing, not a command.

It’s actually mandatory.