Erethorn, say whatever is on your mind. Nobody knows who you are or where you live, but we have one thing in common which is to grow our faith, increase our love for God and the Church, and lift each other up in all things—the good, bad and the ugly. I look forward to this ongoing “conversation.” If you feel a need to ask anyone for suggestions about anything whatsoever, please don’t hesitate, such as reading material, etc. Again, thank you for your kind words.
Ok. I will try to let out as much as I can.
First of all, I’m 33 years old, so my belief system has had a lot of time to “shape up”. In other words, my beliefs are quite strong.
Second, I am quite knowledgeable in religious matters; I have a degree in Philosophy and Logic, and I’ve been teaching these in high school for 5 years; I’ve studied and thought the teachings of both St. Augustine, St. Thomas of Aquinas and other religious figures. I love history and I know (or thought I knew) a lot about the history of different religions and about how those religions have shaped up the world we live in. What I mean to say is that I consider myself as intellectualy accomplished, and I have great respect for reason, doubt - the hallmark of philosophy - and science.
Third, I’ve been, all of my life, an outspoken atheist. I’ve rejected and loathed religion and religious people on both rational and moral grounds. You might call me a Dawkins poster boy.
My attitude towards religious people, men and women I saw kneeling in church or distributing religious literature was one, not of pity, not of avoidance, but of outright hate.
I used to consider myself superior to them. I considered the religious organizations to have two kinds of members - the shrewd, immoral and profiteering leaders, in the words of Bill Maher - “intellectual slaveholders” - who used manipulation of the worst sort to get money and power, and the dumb “sheep”, the vast majority of them so stupid that they deserved no better than to be taken advantage of.
In short, I considered religion a plague.
So, this is my background. I’m sorry if any of the above have offended anyone, it’s simply the truth, that’s who I was/am.
So, where do I stand now ? For the last few months, I find those atheistic beliefs, which I thought stood at the core of my being, my intellectual and moral system, starting to shatter.
And I can find no good reason. Why do I feel the need to go to Mass ? To pray ? To read and meditate on the Bible ? To read this forum ? To do a number of things I considered the trademark of inferior people ? And WHY do I feel good at Mass ? Why do I feel good when I think of Jesus ? Why do I feel so strongly that those things are true ?
Of course, one possible answer is that those things ARE true. If so, then I have started down a wonderful path. Later edit - and, that I will have a lot to atone for…
But what if it’s all an illusion ? What if I’m a doctor who, after studying alcoholics all his life, finally starts to drink and becomes one ?
On one hand, I feel that reason. as I love and cherish it, is not incompatible with faith. On the other hand, I fear that by embracing faith, I might be giving up reason and that my feeling is just a drug, or a cover up, just like the alcoholic deludes himself by claiming “I can quit whenever I want”.
I just don’t know. But I want so bad to believe. I want it to be true. It has to be. It’s too good to not be true. That’s how I feel now.
Please, pray for me. If it’s all true, it will surely be of help. If not, it doesn’t matter. I thank you for reading this, regardless.
Later edit - I’ve re read my post and I feel the need to apologize again for what I have described as my previous convictions, as they are certainly offensive for religious people.
I am deeply sorry, and I no longer hold those beliefs.
But for confusion, you may apologize. 
just wondering!)