I'm a gay guy. Should I marry a woman?

  • Thread starter Thread starter catholic1seeks
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I know how you feel, to a certain extent. I’m a bisexual man. There’s a part of me that wants to be in a committed relationship with a man. Every time I feel an attraction towards a man, I have to walk away from it. Most of this desire is not sexual, as it is so often portrayed as. I fast sometimes and that helps cope with it, but the desire never goes away altogether.

I would say that through this attraction, I have been lead to pray with more passion. The desire leads to despair, which in turn leads me to pray with more passion than I would otherwise. I think that that’s the reason God has allowed me to develop a same sex attraction problem. It’s possible that He’s treating you in the same way. Use this as an opportunity to increase the passion of your prayers. It may be that this would bring you closer to God, as opposed to not feeling the desire and praying with luke-warmness (I’m not sure if that’s a word, but I think you understand my point).

I don’t want to be alone either, but God has better plans for me. I know that His ways are better for my soul. You have to be careful if you try to say that your ways are better than His. He has my best interest at heart; I know that being in a same-sex relationship would hurt my fellowship with God. If something hurts or in any way takes away from my fellowship with God, that thing is not worth pursuing. The same is true in your life.
 
Ok, well as long as many Catholics on here agree that gay/SSA Catholics shouldn’t marry, then can we really blame all the gay people wanting same-sex relationships and marriages??

Like really, what do we expect?

A gay person can’t get married. According to many, they shouldn’t be priests. What do we expect from the larger society that isn’t even Catholic?! It’s almost laughable.
 
catholic1seeks said:
have zip zero attraction to women now. I said that to emphasize the extent of my homosexual attraction now.

Obviously I wouldn’t marry another woman without ANY attraction: I just can’t be confident about the extent of that sexual attraction. But of course I’d want at least some of that there.
Click to expand...
I’m honestly not trying to be mean-spirited, but I would not enjoy hearing these words from a man on a first date. Or on our wedding night.

Sexual attraction should be so fierce that the you can’t wait for your wedding night. It brings a closeness to one’s spouse that makes a marriage a marriage.
 
I struggle with this teaching, perhaps more than any other in the Catholic Church, and unfortunately don’t have answers for you. I’d get flamed off of CAF if I disclosed much more. I’m just sorry you’re in such a frustrating situation. 😦 I may take this to private messaging. 😉

Consider seeking answers from other clergy members. I do know one gay Catholic who has a rough time with this. He’s found his passion and vocation in music and is a choir director.
 
Last edited:
Very important discussions here and I have lots to say but I don’t have time now.
I consider myself a fairly faithful Catholic hopefully (I try my best but I falter)
And here is my answer after reading all the posts

Theoretically the answer should be yes you can get married but on the proviso of some conditions, which should be the SAME conditions for just about anybody with the same level of demand.

(Eg some posters are giving the impression that if a person has 1% SSA and 99%OSA they still can’t marry. Sexual attraction is but a tiny facet of a marriage. If someone places his love of cars above his partner then I think he shouldn’t marry either, but if that person only does it 1% of the time then I see no problem as no one is perfect otherwise no one can marry! It’s all well to speak about perfect love but we all know that no one has it. So I think the question is what is the minimum requirement. I think the minimum requirement is that you do have sexual attraction to your partner and you have the Ongoing DESIRE to achieve the perfect love that people talk about here.

For your personal case I don’t think you’re ready for it but it can be a goal for the future if you are really serious about it but there is a lot of work to be done before that as you have zero OSA and you actually prefer living with a man chastely. That’s the bit that concerns me. But if after you’ve dealt with the SSA and associated issues and you’ve developed some OSA then why not? You can get married just like anybody else with the same conditions.

I’ll have to come back and explain myself more fully later.
 
catholic1seeks said:
So do you have any other recommendations? Or do you think gay persons/people with SSA should just live alone?
Click to expand...
I’m not gay, nor do I have SSA, but I live alone and have for most of my adult life. I’m just not sure I’m called to marriage. I find other ways to form meaningful relationships with people.

It’s easier to imagine when you’re older and not as inculcated in the cultural expectations that tell you that you have to be in a relationship to be happy.
 
You said you’re young and just graduated. Have you spent any amount of time on your own? Or is it the thought of being alone that bothers you?
 
Right there with you, buddy. Answer is no. It wouldn’t be fair to the woman; and I feel that it would be a severely egregious action on your part.

Even if the woman in question knew that you were gay ahead of time and consented to the marriage anyway, you’d still be depriving her of the chance to be with someone who truly loves her the way God intended for her to be loved, and could make her truly happy. I wouldn’t want to be the person with that kind of weight on his soul.
catholic1seeks said:
A priest recommended I give women a chance. I didn’t think this was very in-tune with what homosexuality actually is
Click to expand...
I think what the priest was probably trying to imply was that you experiment with women and see if maybe you can be attracted to them after all. NOT that you marry a woman even if you don’t care for them… Still terrible advice either way, imo
 
Last edited:
You would disclose to the potential wife that you’re gay? What if she thinks that it’s fine in the beginning, but then decides she can’t.

I had a gay boyfriend along time ago. He was closeted at the time, and although I suspected he was, he sort of tried to act extra hetero if that makes sense. He broke up with me for another guy. For a long time I felt very bad about myself and angry at him. I felt he used me to figure out things about himself. But, breaking up was the right thing to do. He wasn’t attracted to me.

I’ve wondered if there were women that would like relationship with a gay man, enjoying the companionship and deep friendship, and forgoing marriage and sex.
 
I feel very sorry for you my friend. Loneliness is a very sad position to be in. I’ve been lonely most of my life and I’m straight, it’s not easy for anyone.
 
I just noticed that @JamalChristophr made a thread with a similar topic 5 days ago. I’m not sure how to link to it, but it deals with a lot of similar questions as this thread. I think it has a lot of helpful posts.
 
catholic1seeks said:
It’s not like the woman wouldn’t know about me.

I wouldn’t hide my SSA from her.

Again, I’m sure MANY women would not want to be in that place. But let’s assume another woman would be open to the marriage. The question assumes the woman is open. I never said anything about hiding anything from her.
Click to expand...
You would not be totally giving of yourself to her. It is like being married but having another woman on the side.
 
So who would I be holding to the side?

People on here sure seem to have a highly idealistic notion of marriage.
 
Last edited:
You would be hiding it from the Priest. Your marriage would not be valid.
 
I agree. And I know from personal experience, marriage can also be a very, very lonely place. It is never a guarantee of happiness.
 
We’ve already been over this. Having SSA does not invalidate a marriage.
 
catholic1seeks said:
People on here sure seem to have a highly idealistic notion of marriage.
Click to expand...
You are right.
But my parents divorced when I was in 20’s. I won’t get into why that happened, that is between them.
Anyways, we as Catholics hold The Sacrament of Marriage as something sacred.
 
Last edited:
I just worry you’re acting from a place of fear. You’re afraid to be alone, and that’s what is driving you, rather than trying to seek out and follow God’s plan.

Have you prayed about this plan? Or sought spiritual direction? Perhaps it would help you discern what God is asking of you in these circumstances.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top