I'm called to marriage, but i feel like i'm too ugly to date

[JRKH]

YOU are a good looking guy. So get that out of your head. Other pluses are you are a musician or really like music,and like dogs

You are not fat and baldness isn’t a turn-off for most women. I like men who are intelligent, are focused on their careers, make me laugh, good huggers, know how to dance, and practice their faith.

Something I learned long ago is that if you want to know what women really like, watch “chick flicks”…Now before anyone starts laughing…consider this carefully.
Now naturally in most of these movies ALL o the characters are “beautiful”. That’s just “Hollywood”. But setting aside that fact, look at what is attractive to the woman…it’s honesty, sincerity, being a gentleman, and being a truly loving person.

Of course the movies will vary - but the woman’s choice will many times be between a “Jock” (who turns out to be insensitive, self-centered etc) and an “underdog” who loves her more than himself. She ultimately chooses the honest and sincere underdog…And these stories are successful BECAUSE they reflect the choice that most women would make.

Many MANY years ago I read an article about “where to meet women” - it’s advice was extremely simple and it was a short article…It said, buy a book that tells women where to meet man and then go there.

The same is true in discerning what women want (looks versus personality)…look at these sorts of movies/stories etc…they do reflect a certain reality. If they did not they would not sell.

Sorry if I did not explain this very well…and I hope I did not insult any of our female posters…but if I messed up in any of this I know they will “straighten me out”……:manvspc:

Peace
James

 

[triumphguy]

Okay, i’m a 23 year old man, and I just feel like my looks prevent me from realizing my vocation of being married. I just feel no girl will ever be attracted to me. i’ve started working out since i’m only 5 ft 7 and heavy at 215 lbs, but even then i’m more muscular and can’t seem to lose much weight. Also i’m losing my hair (i’ve got a bad bald spot) and i just don’t feel like i’ll be able to get the attractive girl i’d want (not that that’s all i’m looking for, but it does help in attraction). So what can I do. Am i destined to be single? Should I just date some girl I don’t find physically attractive and hope I fall in love with her? I honestly don’t know what to do. BTW here is a picture of me

If a guy friend had asked me this and shown me the photo I might have said: “No chance, you’re too ugly. Join a monastery.”

And they would know I’m joking, and realize that it was a silly question to ask.

But I wont say that to you, because I think you may think too much.

My advice: Stop worrying about your looks, and all your “perceived” deficiencies, relax, don’t push, stop acting so desperate, and maybe volunteer in a burns unit or a kids cancer ward to get some perspective on your life.

 

[ringil]

I don’t even know if you are reading these but anyway. . . .

You are young and it wouldn’t be hard at all for you to lose a few pounds. Not necessarily just for looks but to be healthy. You are young and haven’t even started to get the shadow of age in your body- that will show up in your late 20’s. Now you are perfectly suited to improve your health.

I am 35 and have never lost weight lifting weights. It just won’t happen. You need to cut calories by looking on the packages and seeing how many calories you are taking in. Ideally, you would do some cardio as well. I need to get back into the cardio myself but I absolutely HATE it. I would rather lift weights- but like I said- that isn’t going to cut it.

Second, just ask women out who you are interested in. Just try to see it like a job and muscle through. Yes, you will be rejected but so what.

Also be confident- women like that.

I met my wife in church- we now have one daughter and one more on the way.

 

[benjammin]

I don’t even know if you are reading these but anyway. . . .

You are young and it wouldn’t be hard at all for you to lose a few pounds. Not necessarily just for looks but to be healthy. You are young and haven’t even started to get the shadow of age in your body- that will show up in your late 20’s. Now you are perfectly suited to improve your health.

I am 35 and have never lost weight lifting weights. It just won’t happen. You need to cut calories by looking on the packages and seeing how many calories you are taking in. Ideally, you would do some cardio as well. I need to get back into the cardio myself but I absolutely HATE it. I would rather lift weights- but like I said- that isn’t going to cut it.

Second, just ask women out who you are interested in. Just try to see it like a job and muscle through. Yes, you will be rejected but so what.

Also be confident- women like that.

I met my wife in church- we now have one daughter and one more on the way.

Oh please, confidence. Whatever happened to just being nice and being a good guy. Confidence to me just means being a jerk. All the confident people I know are jerks who cheat and lie and drink too much and probably sleep around. I’ll never do that, yet still girls my age don’t care about that. Its like niceness is a bad thing. The few dates i’ve had they’ve said i’m nice. Whats so wrong about that?

 

[triumphguy]

“Nice” is the kiss of death… that’s what’s wrong with it.

Don’t be nice, be good…and with true goodness comes confidence…

Now, about volunteering in a kids cancer ward, or a burns unit to get the focus off yourself…

 

[ringil]

Oh please, confidence. Whatever happened to just being nice and being a good guy. Confidence to me just means being a jerk. All the confident people I know are jerks who cheat and lie and drink too much and probably sleep around. I’ll never do that, yet still girls my age don’t care about that. Its like niceness is a bad thing. The few dates i’ve had they’ve said i’m nice. Whats so wrong about that?

Gosh, confidence isn’t about being a jerk. One can be “nice” and “good” while being confident.

Confidence is how you carry yourself, how you think of yourself, how you communicate, it’s being comfortable in your own skin.

BTW: you can feign confidence even when you don’t feel so confident.

added: no need for the “bitty” retort. I was just trying to be helpful.

 

[aicirt]

Confidence in one’s self has a place in this. He or she needs to be sure of who they are. You must know yourself and be happy with what you want before going out and allowing another person to dictate the terms because you’re lonely and want to date.

Kindness is an actual extension of empathy. Nice is good manners. A nice person functions well in society but that does not mean he’s kind or is capable of empathy.

 

[benjammin]

Confidence in one’s self has a place in this. He or she needs to be sure of who they are. You must know yourself and be happy with what you want before going out and allowing another person to dictate the terms because you’re lonely and want to date.

Kindness is an actual extension of empathy. Nice is good manners. A nice person functions well in society but that does not mean he’s kind or is capable of empathy.

Maybe i’m just incapable of empathy then. I have a brother with high functioning autism. Maybe thats just the way I am. I’m just some nice bland guy who doesn’t really have a personality.

 

[ringil]

Maybe i’m just incapable of empathy then. I have a brother with high functioning autism. Maybe thats just the way I am. I’m just some nice bland guy who doesn’t really have a personality.

With that attitude you likely aren’t going to have much luck dating or finding a spouse- well a mature spouse- anyway.

 

[KellyPalmer]

You look handsome to me! I will also add that my husband looks nothing like ‘my type’. But the Holy Spirit led me to him and he is the perfect man for me. He is a gift from God. It truly isn’t about looks – although I find him very attractive. He (and I) have both gone up and down with our weight over the years and I’ve never found him any less handsome. Pray for confidence and for the Holy Spirit to lead you to your wife. It will happen!

 

[GEddie]

Dear OP:

You are going to hate this, but…

God never promised everybody a mate.

The 2 best human beings who ever breathed, Our LORD and the BVM, lived lives of virginity.

Your thread header says that you are “called to marriage”. With all due respect, you don’t really know that until you are in the church with someone; just as a man does not finally know that he is “called to priesthood” until the bishop touches his hands. Men have been turned aside from ordination after years of seminary.

So you need to become sufficient in yourself and your relationship to our LORD. Anything less and your subconsciousness will scream out “NEED” to all females in the area. Nothing sends ladies running faster!

The body issues are at most secondary. If endomorphs did not attract women, there would be no endomorphic human beings today

P.S. Your physical expectations of ladies may just be too high.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

 

[mdleagedguy]

Benjammin, you’re not ugly. As a man, you are a poor judge of what is attractive to a woman. Your body type and your bald spot indicate a man with high testosterone. This is biologically attractive to women. Forget standards of attraction from the media. That’s garbage. Forget about movies and stories of who people are “supposed” to fall in love. Things just don’t happen that way. You need to be confident. This doesn’t mean being a jerk. In fact, the nice vs. confident issue is a false dichotomy. You can be both nice and confident. Women want both.

What is meant by confident? It means you go into things with the expectation that things will go well. It is a mistake to think that the opposite of confidence is niceness. The opposite of confidence is discouragement. This means going into things with the expectation of failure. This turns women away. At the same time, arrogance is also a turnoff. People confuse confidence with arrogance. They are not the same. Arrogance is an unreasonable and unwarranted pride in one’s self. Confidence can be humble. Arrogance cannot be humble.

Just as confidence can be misunderstood, so can being “nice.” In fact, “nice” is such a vague word that we should clarify what is meant by that. When people talk about a nice guy being a turnoff, what they really mean is that a subservient man who seeks a woman’s approval by being at her beck and call is a turnoff. For a relationship to develop the woman must admire you for the man you are. A woman will not admire a fawning, ingratiating, servile person. This is not a man who can lead a family. A woman will admire a man who is considerate. This means you must take her feelings and desires into account, but not to the extent that it’s all you’re thinking of.

Don’t worry about all the women who you are not a match with. You only need one to be a match, and you want to make sure it is a match. Desperation will ensure that you will find a bad match, if you find one.

I would advise that you seek female friends. You will meet more women that way, you will gain experience and understanding of women, and you might find a spouse among your friends. Some of those friends, if they already have a boyfriend, will see what a great guy you are and try to set you up with another of those friends. When I was younger, I went on a lot of first dates, and knew they weren’t a match and didn’t go on a second date. I got a lot of first dates because I was confident. Then I met a girl who hurt me emotionally. I lost that confidence, and had a long dry spell where I couldn’t get a date to save my life. Suddenly, a female friend and I realized we were in love, and now we’ve been married 21 years and have eight children. I had a lot of female friends at that time. I wouldn’t have guessed when I met her that would happen. She had a boyfriend when I first met her, but they broke up and she dated other guys. What’s funny is that I didn’t even think she liked me when we met, but we became better acquainted, and came to love each other. I was both nice and confident with her because I wasn’t hoping for anything, and we were comfortable together. I had the expectation that I would enjoy her company, and she would enjoy mine. That expectation meant I wasn’t nervous or ingratiating around her. It also meant I wasn’t acting like a jerk trying to impress her.

You’ve got a lot of years to go. Pace yourself. Just be yourself, and make a lot of friends. Enjoy those friends. You can’t force it, and you can’t speed it up. Friendship happens at its own pace, and a marriage is ultimately about friendship.

 

[exoflare]

God never promised everybody a mate.

The 2 best human beings who ever breathed, Our LORD and the BVM, lived lives of virginity.

Your thread header says that you are “called to marriage”. With all due respect, you don’t really know that until you are in the church with someone

I was just about to post this but you beat me to it.

 

[aicirt]

Maybe i’m just incapable of empathy then. I have a brother with high functioning autism. Maybe thats just the way I am. I’m just some nice bland guy who doesn’t really have a personality.

Benjamin, I wasn’t talking about you. I was giving an example. I too was considered a nice girl. I saw myself as bland too.

Let’s get back to confidence. People who know what they want and go after it show confidence in themselves. Domino Pizza was built by an orphan who obviously felt he had something to offer in the pizza world. I’m sure he didn’t see himself as the most exciting person in the world but he had an idea and stuck to it. If you have a passion about something, then you are blessed. Cultivate your passion, cultivate your interests. You’ll attract others with the same interests and you’ll be attracted to people who are interesting.

You are 23. You might not meet the right person for a number of years. In the meantime, life is a buffet with many experiences to sample. Take advantage of what you can do while unattached. Don’t push want you want because you might just get it and it might not be what you were suppose to have if you had just waited.

 

[benjammin]

Benjamin, I wasn’t talking about you. I was giving an example. I too was considered a nice girl. I saw myself as bland too.

Let’s get back to confidence. People who know what they want and go after it show confidence in themselves. Domino Pizza was built by an orphan who obviously felt he had something to offer in the pizza world. I’m sure he didn’t see himself as the most exciting person in the world but he had an idea and stuck to it. If you have a passion about something, then you are blessed. Cultivate your passion, cultivate your interests. You’ll attract others with the same interests and you’ll be attracted to people who are interesting.

You are 23. You might not meet the right person for a number of years. In the meantime, life is a buffet with many experiences to sample. Take advantage of what you can do while unattached. Don’t push want you want because you might just get it and it might not be what you were suppose to have if you had just waited.

I just get so jealous when people have met the right person by 23. They got their life set for the most part in the sense that they have someone to love them until death. I just hate not knowing. Also, its not that i feel i’m worthless. I feel more like just a plain package with something awesome inside yet no one will care to look until its too late.

Also, I don’t know if I have any interests. I like to read, but history and geography books and maybe a little fiction here or there, but nothing exciting. Also, i’m into sports, but so is every other joe schmoe, granted this spring I want to coach little kids soccer in my home town. Part of the problem is i’d love to have friends to do things with. I’d love to get more involved, but I live in the sticks. Even in college though not a lot of people asked me to hang out with them. Sure i’d go to school events and meet them and participate in activities, but no one asked me to hang out afterwards and as a result I just turned to video games and messing around on the internet. Its almost as if i’m cursed to loneliness. Its not like i’m some humbug gamer who tells people I have better things to do when I really don’t. I turn to these things because i’m lonely and no one ever wants to hang out with me. Its been that way since HS.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I just get so jealous when people have met the right person by 23. They got their life set for the most part in the sense that they have someone to love them until death. I just hate not knowing. Also, its not that i feel i’m worthless. I feel more like just a plain package with something awesome inside yet no one will care to look until its too late.

Also, I don’t know if I have any interests. I like to read, but history and geography books and maybe a little fiction here or there, but nothing exciting. Also, i’m into sports, but so is every other joe schmoe, granted this spring I want to coach little kids soccer in my home town. Part of the problem is i’d love to have friends to do things with. I’d love to get more involved, but I live in the sticks. Even in college though not a lot of people asked me to hang out with them. Sure i’d go to school events and meet them and participate in activities, but no one asked me to hang out afterwards and as a result I just turned to video games and messing around on the internet. Its almost as if i’m cursed to loneliness. Its not like i’m some humbug gamer who tells people I have better things to do when I really don’t. I turn to these things because i’m lonely and no one ever wants to hang out with me. Its been that way since HS.

Okay, so it’s things like this bolded part which show your lack of confidence. This is something that is very easy to perceive. I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m not a very confident person. But, you probably wouldn’t know it if you talked to me. What you should try to do is always see yourself as an interesting and worthy human being, because you were created and are loved by God. That alone makes you an interesting and worthy person. So, you say you enjoy reading? Well, that’s an interesting factoid, because a lot of the time in this era of technology, it is difficult to find anyone who actually enjoys reading. Lastly, every situation is what you make of it. So, you could go to school events and participate and expect people to call you. However, I have learned that this is basically doomed to failure, because especially in high school and college, people are super busy and rather self-oriented. It’s very rare that you find someone who asks for your number. So, what I’ve learned to do is try and make conversation with the people around me and ask for their numbers/e-mails. It has helped me immensely with having homework buddies and even helped me befriend some really great people. So, I guess the bottom line is that even though we all have doubts, it is extremely prudent to put aside those worries and have confidence in yourself as an interesting and worthy individual.

 

[aicirt]

I just get so jealous when people have met the right person by 23. They got their life set for the most part in the sense that they have someone to love them until death. I just hate not knowing. Also, its not that i feel i’m worthless. I feel more like just a plain package with something awesome inside yet no one will care to look until its too late.

Also, I don’t know if I have any interests. I like to read, but history and geography books and maybe a little fiction here or there, but nothing exciting. Also, i’m into sports, but so is every other joe schmoe, granted this spring I want to coach little kids soccer in my home town. Part of the problem is i’d love to have friends to do things with. I’d love to get more involved, but I live in the sticks. Even in college though not a lot of people asked me to hang out with them. Sure i’d go to school events and meet them and participate in activities, but no one asked me to hang out afterwards and as a result I just turned to video games and messing around on the internet. Its almost as if i’m cursed to loneliness. Its not like i’m some humbug gamer who tells people I have better things to do when I really don’t. I turn to these things because i’m lonely and no one ever wants to hang out with me. Its been that way since HS.

Please don’t think they’ve got their lives made and will be with each other until death. Later, you’ll find that some rushed into things too quickly. You don’t know what goes on in their lives. You are young and have a lot of living to do. Loneliness is something that doesn’t go away even if you are married. It is always there. Best to make friends with yourself and be the person you would like to meet.

Surely there are things you want to do. Maybe moving would be a goal although sometimes it has taken me two years to establish a network of friends. I lived in one area for 10 years and never made a friend. It was very discouraging. Other times I had people inviting us over as soon as we unpacked. Not all areas are the same.

Great that you are into sports. That’s an achievement and it makes you interesting. Join a ski club. Go back to school and take a course you want just for the fun of it. If you like history, go to Europe.

 

[FriendlyFace]

I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thread, but here are my thoughts.

You’re not actually unattractive, and there are plenty of women for whom looks aren’t the most important thing.

As for friends, have you tried asking people to hang out with you? Even if they don’t turn into friends, people are often willing to hang out with you if you ask them. And you probably will find someone you click with friendship-wise if you’re persistent. It’s worth a shot or several.

Also, have you considered learning a musical instrument? Music attracts friends like nothing else and musical ability is very attractive to women. And even without those to things it would be fun for you. Win, win, win.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’m sure there are lots of single young women out there who would be happy dating a guy who looks like you.

But YOU don’t like the way you look? Ok, let’s live with that. What is it about you that makes you worth dating then? What are your good qualities that would make you someone a woman might like to spend time with? You don’t have to tell us, but you need to know this about yourself.

Ok, now that you have some thoughts about your own positives qualities, start looking to make friends with women who share those traits, or who have other good qualities. Don’t fret about looks, because you don’t have to go into every friendship expecting to date. Once you have friends, perhaps you will find that you and a one of these friends not only share common interests, but also become interested in each other. Attraction may develop from a combination of looks and personality, for both of you. Or maybe you’ll meet a friend of a friend…

Not every couple forms out of thin air. Often it comes from friendship and connections. Be patient, and work on your own maturation, and develop friendships.

 

[1ke]

Oh please, confidence. Whatever happened to just being nice and being a good guy. Confidence to me just means being a jerk. All the confident people I know are jerks who cheat and lie and drink too much and probably sleep around. I’ll never do that, yet still girls my age don’t care about that. Its like niceness is a bad thing. The few dates i’ve had they’ve said i’m nice. Whats so wrong about that?

No, there is a difference between confidence and being a jerk.

The opposite of confidence is insecurity, neediness, clinginess, and self doubt. You can smell it a mile a way, and it is a BIG turn off.

Get professional help to overcome your insecurity issues. Please.