I'm in love and that's the problem

[kage_ar]

confused2:

I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.

Pray for her. Suggest a good Spriitual Director to her. Pray for her, stay strong in your marriage vows.

 

[montanaman]

While I’m not married, I do know a thing or two about obsessing about that green grass on the other side of the fence. My advice: acknowledge your feelings, but never, ever let them develop. Don’t get caught up in the drama of it. My guess is that in the end, this has a lot less to do with “love” than you think.

 

[bjj]

Be strong and severe ALL contact with this woman. Is not God, your wife and children enough to keep from following Satan? Satan’s number one goal is to ruin the family. You will not only be falling into Satan’s arms but also allowing many families to be torn apart. Remember,good intentions can lead to bad decisions. DON’T GO THERE!!! I’ll be praying for you!

 

[ConcernCatholic]

I agree that this is not the best situation and you should ideally find a way to get a new TA. You need to make sure you have pictures of your wife and family all over your office so that you are surrounded by their presence and continually reminded why you should let these feelings go.

Also, plant inobtrusive prayers in as many places as you can. I have several prayers taped to my computer monitor to help remind anybody that is using my computer not to look at anything questionable.

Here is one of the prayers I have taped to my computer so anybody that sits at my computer sees it and is reminded to refrain from anything questionable. I can’t even remember where I got it now.

God be in my head, and in my thinking
God be in my eyes and in my looking
God be in my mouth and in my speaking
God be in my heart and in my thinking
God be at my end and at my departing.

 

[DVIN_CKS]

Begin praying for your TA’s marriage…for her husband too. That is the best way to love her. You should want what God wants for her and her husband and that is a strong faithful marriage. If she starts dumping on you about her marital problems, try and get her focused on what God wants…not just for her, but for everyone who is married - or not. God wants us to be faithful to Him. As mother Teresa so eloquently said once: “We are not called to be successful (happy); we are called to be faithful”.

Hang tough…

 

[ridesawhitehors]

I am very concerned for you. Many adulterers maintain a confession of love for their spouses throughout their infidelity. Evidently, you have still not completely severed your emotional attachment to this poor woman. You are wise to not entangle yourself in her present situation - but are still dangerously close to an occasion of sin by allowing her into your head.
I try to put myself in your wife’s place. I would think that she has sensed a vibe more then once if you have been there this long. Women are very intuitive that way.
My advice is to OPENLY ramp up your religious devotional practice. Put a crucifix, bible, or statue of Our Lady on your desk. Talk openly to this other lady about Our Lord and the catholic faith. Put your Catholic faith OPENLY between you and her and your mind will be fortified. Tell her you will pray a rosary for her. Visit the Lord in the tabernacle at lunchtime. You have to bring your faith out in to the open if you are going to continue to be in the presence of this lady.
You have to live out your faith dynamically, or you will fall tragically in this situation.
Prayers ~
Ridesawhitehorse

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

I think you should bring your infatuation and the temptations issues to confession. Then, I think you should do whatever your confessor says.

I also wonder if you should tell your wife. I think she should know that you are undergoing this temptation. I think it will strengthen your resolve. Of course, you are the best judge of how it would affect your relationship.

It’s too bad you have so much daily contact. Make sure that you are never alone. Might want to get a student helper to chaperone.

 

[1ke]

confused2:

I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.

Hi confused2,

Can I offer some advice? There are two very good books I recommend you get:

*His Needs, Her Needs * and The Five Love Languages.

There is some emotional need that your wife is not filling but your TA is. I suggest you read these books with your wife, and try to implement their ideas so that you no longer have this emotional pull to the TA. Read them on your own if you must, to figure out what is at the bottom of this infatuation with the TA. Put her out of your mind, and get a new TA. Do not give in to the temptation to play the sympathetic shoulder to her marriage crisis-- advise her to get marriage counseling.

Also, sign up for Marriage Encounter and/or Retrouvaille. It doesn’t have to be presented to your wife that you have some big problem in your marriage, merely that you want some spiritual alone-time with her and a renewal through a retreat is always a great idea.

 

[dulcissima]

Well, as someone who is in a situation that is a little bit similar, I will offer you a little bit of advice. We’ve made some mistakes, but we have had a lot of success too.

Pray, pray, pray. Pray especially to the saints for guidance and strength. Some of them have been here. Think especially of St Francis of Assisi and St Clare.

Whatever you do, don’t confess your feelings to her. We made that mistake, and it really isn’t the right path to go down. You never want to have a conversation that would involve speculating about what it would be like if you were both free to marry. That is very unstable, dangerous ground.

You are going to need to build an emotional wall around yourself. You guys can’t be too close. There is a closeness that is reserved for a husband and wife only, don’t let her into that part of your heart. This is really hard but really necessary. You can be kind and sympathetic, maybe offer advice, but you should not know her most private thoughts and feelings. Encourage her to look to her family for support. This is for her good as well as your own.

Like another poster suggested, you really need to do a thorough examination of your conscience and bring this matter to confession. You will get the best advice there.

Whatever emotional energy you have put into this friendship, you need to put at least that much into your marriage. Miracles can happen. While they haven’t in my marriage, they have in my friend’s, and that is just what I have been praying for.

 

[LeahInancsi]

JMJ Theresa:

I think you should bring your infatuation and the temptations issues to confession. Then, I think you should do whatever your confessor says.

I agree.
JMJ Theresa:

I also wonder if you should tell your wife. I think she should know that you are undergoing this temptation. I think it will strengthen your resolve. Of course, you are the best judge of how it would affect your relationship.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE!!! Telling your wife would only serve to be the fast track to your own marital problems and, perhaps, the end of your marriage. Telling her will break her heart and the feeling of betrayal will never go away. Everytime that I hear of someone confessing something of this nature to their spouse, it has irreparably damaged the marriage. You must bear this cross alone for your wife’s benefit.
JMJ Theresa:

It’s too bad you have so much daily contact. Make sure that you are never alone. Might want to get a student helper to chaperone.

Continue to look for a way for the two of you to work in different class rooms, at a minimum. I understand how it would be difficult to change jobs, but keep your ears and eyes open for any opportunities.

Also, pray, pray, pray.

 

[mary_s_kid]

JMJ Theresa:

I think you should bring your infatuation and the temptations issues to confession. Then, I think you should do whatever your confessor says.

I also wonder if you should tell your wife. I think she should know that you are undergoing this temptation. I think it will strengthen your resolve. Of course, you are the best judge of how it would affect your relationship.

It’s too bad you have so much daily contact. Make sure that you are never alone. Might want to get a student helper to chaperone.

I’m speaking from the viewpoint of your wife because I can identify with her. I agree with JMJTheresa in telling your wife about this temptation. Once you bring this attraction out into the light the temptation will diminish and you and your wife can figure out what your next step together will be. It will be hard to tell her but she deserves it. She is your wife.

This other woman should not be confiding in another man about her marital problems. You should not sympathize with her about these problems. You should not spend any time alone with her. You should not spend any more time fantasizing about her because, if you are honest with yourself, that is what you are doing. How would you feel if your wife was doing this? Wouldn’t you already feel betrayed? There is such a thing as emotional affairs and they can very quickly escalate. The fact that she told you she was having marital problems concerns me very much.

I’m not trying to beat up on you but I know more about affairs and how they start than I ever cared to know. Please be strong for your family and ask Jesus to help you with this weakness. Receive the Sacraments often and pray for your family, not her. Praying for her only allows you to deceive yourself into thinking about her more. Trust me, it is too dangerous for you right now. I will pray for her on your behalf.

Say a novena to St. Joseph. He will be a powerful ally for you. I will pray that you will do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.

 

[deb1]

Telling your wife would only serve to be the fast track to your own marital problems and, perhaps, the end of your marriage. Telling her will break her heart and the feeling of betrayal will never go away. Everytime that I hear of someone confessing something of this nature to their spouse, it has irreparably damaged the marriage. You must bear this cross alone for your wife’s benefit.

.

Twice my hubby has confessed attractions for women that he worked with. This did not increase any marital problems for us. The exact opposite happened. I knew that I can trust my hubby to come to me before the feelings got out of hand. I am not a naturally jealous person though. As spouses we are supposed to guide one another to heaven, so such honesty should ideally be met with understanding and advice on how to deal with the problem.

The wife’s personality definitely has to be taken into consideration before such a confession is made. Some men and women would be very threatened and would suspect the spouse of worst behavior.

 

[Elizabeth_B]

confused2:

I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.

It is inappropriate for a woman to discuss having marital problems with a man other than her husband, confessor, close relative or a counselor.

Even if she did not disclose details, she is turning to you for comfort and support that is inappropriate. I’ve seen many women do this to “test the waters”, so to speak.

Like others, I suggest you are never alone with her. Furthermore, limit your conversations to work-related topic and the weather. Finally, do everything possible to “trade” teaching assistants.

 

[DVIN_CKS]

Only you can decide what is best about telling your wife or not. You may not have to reveal much more than to say that your love for her is being tested right now and you need her prayers. I found myself in somewhat of a similar situation and found that having my husband to talk to was an enormous help. I think it brought us closer in some ways because it forced us to look at our marriage and the sacramentality of it in a whole new light. We both trust each other explicitly so revealing a weakness was easier than if we had trust problems in our marriage.

Your wife may be a big source of strength and encouragement, then again, she may only make matters worse. Only you can decide what is best for your marriage.

 

[pnewton]

I have no better advice than all that has been offered. While it may seem hard, denying this affection any foothold is the only way to prevent terrible hardship for all. Bring this problem to light and out in the open with you wife. It will be painful, but it will say volumes that you can talk to her first, as opposed to this other woman.

I will pray. We all should pray for you and invoke the Saints to join us. Two marriages failing and the possibility of spiritual destruction are at stake. Why don’t you sign on here everytime you feel temptation and we will pray with you.

 

[confused2]

pnewton:

Why don’t you sign on here everytime you feel temptation and we will pray with you.

Thanks everyone. I will come back now and then.

 

[Fitz]

confused2:

I know I have not been around for a while. All has been good this year…so far. My assistant confided in me this week that she is having mariatal problems. I want to reach out and comfort her but know that I’m weak (when it comes to her) and I dare not? I am sad, she is hurting and there’s nothing I can do.

Now you need to be real careful. If she is having marital problems and confiding in you- then she could be designing something that would not be good for you. When people are having marital trouble they should not be telling a person that is attracted to them, unless they are expecting trouble. If you want your marriage to last, don’t go down that path. Your assistant is not being your friend now by doing this. Send her to her minister or priest or a marriage counselor. You can’t help her marriage.

 

[jules11]

I agree that this is not the best situation and you should ideally find a way to get a new TA. You need to make sure you have pictures of your wife and family all over your office so that you are surrounded by their presence and continually reminded why you should let these feelings go.

Also, plant inobtrusive prayers in as many places as you can. I have several prayers taped to my computer monitor to help remind anybody that is using my computer not to look at anything questionable.

Here is one of the prayers I have taped to my computer so anybody that sits at my computer sees it and is reminded to refrain from anything questionable. I can’t even remember where I got it now.

God be in my head, and in my thinking
God be in my eyes and in my looking
God be in my mouth and in my speaking
God be in my heart and in my thinking
God be at my end and at my departing.

Oh I love that prayer!! I say it everyday… this is the first part of it

O My God,
think through my mind,
speak through my lips,
work through my hands
and love through my heart today and always
Remember O God what Thou has wrought in us
and not what we deserve and as Thou has called us to
Thy sevice, make us worthy of our calling through Christ Our Lord, Amen…
Then the next part comes after…

 

[ridesawhitehors]

For the love of Pete DO NOT tell this to your wife or you will be planting a seed of pain in her that will never be easily uprooted! .
You just suck it up and take care of this problem between you and God and your priest. Don’t hurt her by telling her.

 

[deb1]

ridesawhitehors:

For the love of Pete DO NOT tell this to your wife or you will be planting a seed of pain in her that will never be easily uprooted! .
You just suck it up and take care of this problem between you and God and your priest. Don’t hurt her by telling her.

This is interesting. We females are all having completely different reactions on the wisdom of telling the wife of his crush.

This would make an interesting subject for a thread.