Kittery,
I believe it is for some… but not for most, at least not the married men I know. Now I’m not saying ALL men do this, I definitely know some who do not but many in my age group (mid to late 30s) do. Those who are Christians believe it’s wrong at least on some level (many protestants believe it’s ok when view together as a couple for “martial enhancement” - I use to agree when I was a protestant but now I accept the Church’s teachings) Those same men I’m referring to are all happily married and VERY attracted to their wives. They might look at porn from time to time for a number of reasons. It might be that they feel they aren’t performing up to par for their wife and they are looking for new ideas. It could also be that that they see a picture of someone who reminds them of their wife. When there wife isn’t there or there hasn’t been a chance to renew their marriage covenant in a while…they fall into looking at inappropriate material or inappropriate behaviors.
When I believe there is a problem is when it’s not addressed, when you don’t talk about it. My guess, if he has gone w/o looking at it for 8 months, is that he is trying because he knows it’s important to you. You said that you were trying to improve your career and were gone a lot. You are both probably tired and haven’t had much chance to send time together without the kids, that includes time to just sit and talk or hang out together on the couch and watch TV…
Men do get lonely as well… we don’t often say it we just try to take care of it ourselves and sometimes wind up doing something stupid like looking at porn. Even when we made or helped to make the decision on what’s best for the family.
In regards to asking him… I don’t know your relationship so I can’t say if I would ask him “are you not attracted to me anymore” but rather ask why he is looking at it? If he says “I don’t know” then perhaps you could ask if it’s because you guys needed to spend more time together, is he stressed out etc… and stress on how you can fix it together. You will be able to tell what his answer is. Again, while I’m not him so I can’t be 100% sure, I would guess that if he has gone 8 months, it’s not that he isn’t attracted to you. If during the conversation you want to work in that question, it might be easier that way. But remember, we all go through phases where we might not be as attracted as we once were, that can come back. The important thing is love and that should override all else.
It’s really important for couples, especially those with kids, to focus on each other. Once the kids are grown it’s back to just you guys
While it’s difficult, he should come first just like YOU should come first for him. We have kids too, that’s not always easy… but again, it should be a goal. None of us are perfect and we never will be but yet if we can grow a little each day through His Grace we look forward to the chance at Eternal life with Him. Marriage is very similar in that with His Grace hopefully each day we can grow a little more together as a couple which can prepare us for when one of us fails.
Hope this helps!
Joe
PS - One more thing. Yes I man should have eyes only for his wife and vice versa. However he is a grown man, a child’s content filter is not the answer. Sometimes we talk in perfect generalities on this board… those aren’t reality. Reality is that we are frail humans who need His Grace and the Help and support of each other, especially our spouses, to succeed. Blocking the porn doesn’t address the issue, it’s just a bandaid that won’t stay on for very long.
