Infertility

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Does anyone else have more trouble receiving infertility support from your catholic community?

I am! Its like since I can’t have a baby, then I’m not a “good” catholic. Sometimes they make me feel that our marriage is somehow “less” than theirs and that we are not as “holy” or “pleasing” to God as they.

**Anyone else with this? Sounds a little like you Gianna. **

**This is my main problem right now (yes I know I have lots.😛 ) But lack of support, even being put down, from those I need it from most, my fellow catholics, is heartbreaking. 😦 **

**Any thoughts here or in PM would be most helpful. 🙂 **
 
I’m sorry you’re getting this response from your church family. One way we’ve been fortunate is that we live in an area with a lot of retired couples, so the majority of people at our Masses don’t have children with them, simply because their children are adults and live elsewhere. That does help.

I think infertility is one of those things that most people just don’t talk about in public too much. Ever since my surgery, the news of which spread like wildfire through my church, I’ve had women talk to me about their issues with infertility. I’ve also had lots of adoptive parents talk about their experiences. It’s like a dam broke and now we can talk about these things.

It seems like those of us who deal with infertility feel like we’re the only ones; everyone else can get pregnant just by looking at DH and we can’t even with charting and planning out when it’s best to have sex!

Maybe you could get the ball rolling at your parish. Do others know about your infertility issues? When you get negative comments, if you are open about what you and your husband are dealing with, maybe others will feel like they can be more open about it as well.
 
Also! I could use a few pointers on how to make it through our Christmas visit with family.
My side should be fine, might get a few questions but then its over.
**My husband’s side WOULD be fine, as they are learning how hard this is on me. However, SIL is pregnant, and will be starting to show by then. The baby questions for us and the “it’s okay it will happen” lines will be abounding. How do I make it through? **
Hubby is willing to not see anyone so that I don’t get upset. But I feel guilty in not seeing family, since they didn’t see us last year. But, then I don’t want to ruin the joy of Christmas with tears of infertility.
Any thoughts how I could make it through that very long week, and still somehow enjoy myself?
 
aurora77 said:
I’m sorry you’re getting this response from your church family. One way we’ve been fortunate is that we live in an area with a lot of retired couples, so the majority of people at our Masses don’t have children with them, simply because their children are adults and live elsewhere. That does help.

I think infertility is one of those things that most people just don’t talk about in public too much. Ever since my surgery, the news of which spread like wildfire through my church, I’ve had women talk to me about their issues with infertility. I’ve also had lots of adoptive parents talk about their experiences. It’s like a dam broke and now we can talk about these things.

It seems like those of us who deal with infertility feel like we’re the only ones; everyone else can get pregnant just by looking at DH and we can’t even with charting and planning out when it’s best to have sex!

Maybe you could get the ball rolling at your parish. Do others know about your infertility issues? When you get negative comments, if you are open about what you and your husband are dealing with, maybe others will feel like they can be more open about it as well.
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**Yes, we have so many young families at our parish. I REFUSE! REFUSE! REFUSE! to go to the 10:30 mass. It’s the absolute worst. **
I wouldn’t know where to begin setting up such a ministry. We have family this and family that, and how to get a bigger family, and how that is such a good thing, and how everyone should.
**Everything catholic I get my hands on is about the vocation of marriage AND family (kids.) Nobody in the church (that I’ve met…except you all 😉 😛 ) seems to realize you can have the one (marriage) without the other. ****That it is just as pleasing to God, so long as you are not avoiding unjustly or immorally. I guess if you’re a catholic married person, you’re just supposed to have an army of children. It’s not like people know they are infertile before marriage. So why all the focus? 🤷 **
 
Having to see your pregnant SIL would be very hard. My brother got married in July and I really, really hope that we will have had children placed with us before my SIL becomes pregnant. It does sound like their postponing (she’s finishing up school, he’s working, but is realizing that an office job, in spite of the great pay, is just not for him). I love them both dearly and would love to be an aunt, but at the same time, I know I would be sad if they have children before DH and I do.

I would just be honest with people when they start asking questions. Flat out tell them that you’ve been trying and haven’t been able to concieve. Don’t rain on SIL’s parade (not that you would:) ), but be honest. I had to do this with my mom. She kept asking, kept hinting about grandkids. Finally I told her how much it hurts to keep being asked about something I want so badly and can’t have. She broke down and started talking about how she and dad went through years of secondary infertility after I was born (my next brother is 6 years younger than me).

I bet if you’re polite, but honest, your hubby’s family will understand.
 
aurora77 said:
Having to see your pregnant SIL would be very hard. My brother got married in July and I really, really hope that we will have had children placed with us before my SIL becomes pregnant. It does sound like their postponing (she’s finishing up school, he’s working, but is realizing that an office job, in spite of the great pay, is just not for him). I love them both dearly and would love to be an aunt, but at the same time, I know I would be sad if they have children before DH and I do.

I would just be honest with people when they start asking questions. Flat out tell them that you’ve been trying and haven’t been able to concieve. Don’t rain on SIL’s parade (not that you would:) ), but be honest. I had to do this with my mom. She kept asking, kept hinting about grandkids. Finally I told her how much it hurts to keep being asked about something I want so badly and can’t have. She broke down and started talking about how she and dad went through years of secondary infertility after I was born (my next brother is 6 years younger than me).

I bet if you’re polite, but honest, your hubby’s family will understand.
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Thanks so much Aurora! It’ just nice to have friends like you who understand. Not that I would wish this on anyone.

**I know its been 19 months, but I just can’t get over this. I have been suffering terribly for a year. I want to think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I just can’t sometimes. If we could only afford adoption, I would see the light. **

But we are in a hole. We can’t conceive, we can’t adopt. I can’t be around kids, and can’t be in public much without melt downs. I am not physically healthy enough to hold down a job to help the finances. I am just in a pit of loneliness and pain and praying for some relief soon.

**Thanks again for understanding. It really does help! 🙂 **
 
You’re welcome, Convert! This is a hard cross to bear, but when we bear it together it gets a little lighter! :grouphug:

Your time will come, whether you conceive or adopt, if God wills that you’ll have children, it will happen. I remember my mom saying that they tried and tried to have another child after me, but it turned out that they were waiting for my brother, waiting for the right child (now young man) to come along. Amazingly enough, my youngest brother is less than 2 years younger than him, so after waiting all that time, they had two very close together!

I’m so glad for internet forums like this, so even when we’re not able to get support locally, we can find it somewhere!!
 
Thank you all for your kind replies, encouragement, and MOST OF ALL your prayers. It’s difficult to face these things, as I WANT to be joyful and happy for people when they are expecting, and when I can’t be totally happy for them, I feel guilty. Then, the guilt makes me feel even worse until it’s just a vicious cycle. I really do put on a happy face. It causes me stress to have to “pretend” to feel happy and excited. Sometimes I really AM excited for someone, but once the pregnancy/labor/delivery stories start, I just want to leave. It does seem that my devout Catholic friends who have larger families are the most difficult for me to deal with. I’m not sure why. I actually had a good friend of mine (who has 5 children) imply that I simply had not prayed enough. Her sister suffered infertility and was able to get a special blessing by the Pope himself! She became pregnant soon after. However, her infertility issues are in no way the same as ours. Some infertility issues are easily “fixed” or just seem to disappear. Others, like ours, really are not “fixable” unless there is a complete miracle of some sort.
I had another friend in this same Catholic circle, who was upset when her 2nd baby was a boy as she wanted a to “get it over with”(meaning she did not want another boy). She now has 6 children 4 boys and 2 ladies. Her 5th and 6th were ladies and she was getting soooooo “frustrated” each time she had another boy. I honestly did not know what to say. How can one take for granted 4 beautiful healthy baby boys?
I think I just need to take a break from these ladies for awhile. Sometimes I do notice that my infertility sensitivity radar is much higher. I guess now is one of those times!:o
Convert, I will keep praying for you and all who on this thread. Infertility really is such a lonely and painful cross to bear. I think it may be one of the last taboo subjects. It’s something that most women just will never, never understand. I’ve heard women say that they just “don’t get” why it’s so upsetting not to be able to have a baby. Another Catholic “friend” told me she thought infertile couples should just “get over it”–after all it IS God’s will. Sheesh.
 
Gianna, you may want to take a break from these women. I can’t believe some of the things you’ve heard–I’m amazed that people would say such things. I’ve heard the standard, “oh just relax and it’ll happen.” or “I know…who adopted and then immediately got pregnant.” But I’ve never heard some of these things; they are so insensitive!

I think it’s impossible for someone who hasn’t been there to truly understand how hard it is to be infertile. I wish there were more opportunities for Catholic support groups. So much of what I read and so many of the forums out there are promoting things like IVF, that I never would have considered.
 
aurora77 said:
Gianna, you may want to take a break from these women. I can’t believe some of the things you’ve heard–I’m amazed that people would say such things. I’ve heard the standard, “oh just relax and it’ll happen.” or “I know…who adopted and then immediately got pregnant.” But I’ve never heard some of these things; they are so insensitive!
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**I agree. Even if these are your only friends, I think that God would not want you to rub salt in your wounds. He understands. Jesus suffered so, yet they gave Him vinegar to drink and a cross to rest on. It’s okay to take a break, even if you need a year or two. 🙂 **
auror77:
I think it’s impossible for someone who hasn’t been there to truly understand how hard it is to be infertile. I wish there were more opportunities for Catholic support groups. So much of what I read and so many of the forums out there are promoting things like IVF, that I never would have considered.
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**This is exactly where I am at and what I have been thinking. I SO wish CAF’s infertility thread were bigger. It’s so small and unnoticed compared to other infertility groups out there. The crowd on CAF as a whole seems to more have children than not. **
Then it will go a week or more without much activity, or none at all. In my state right now, a week is too long to go without support in this.
**What can we do? I’m up for suggestions! Maybe we just need to make a point of PMing each other every other day or something like that right now. Any other ideas? I will help out in any way I can! 🙂 **
 
Oh…and I just wanted to check with you all to see if my new ticker box offends anyone here.
I don’t mean for it too and if it does I will remove it.
I want people on CAF to know that we ARE catholic, we ARE trying, we are not on birth control, and we cannot be God. We must let God do His thing in His time. And for others to join in praying with and for us.
Please let me know if it hurts, offends, or upsets you in ANY way. That is not my intention.
 
Giannawannabe said:
I actually had a good friend of mine (who has 5 children) imply that I simply had not prayed enough. Her sister suffered infertility and was able to get a special blessing by the Pope himself! She became pregnant soon after.

I’ve heard women say that they just “don’t get” why it’s so upsetting not to be able to have a baby. Another Catholic “friend” told me she thought infertile couples should just “get over it”–after all it IS God’s will. Sheesh.
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OOOH…Grrrrrr…

Sometimes the things that come out of others’ mouths are unbelievable. Seriously, do these people ever stop for a second to either put themselves in someone else’s shoes or even to think how something might sound?

Next time that happens Gianna, ask those women if they love their children, and if they can imagine their lives without them. After the probable “Of course!” and “Never!”, then ask them how they think it would feel never to be able to bear those children. Then ask them if they still think we should “get over it”. Then ask them if every single thing they’ve ever prayed for has been given to them. When they inevitably (at least if they’re honest) answer “No”, ask them if maybe they haven’t prayed hard enough.

Sheesh. That rant didn’t make me feel any better. Still seething. :mad:
 
SeekerJen said:
OOOH…Grrrrrr…

Sometimes the things that come out of others’ mouths are unbelievable. Seriously, do these people ever stop for a second to either put themselves in someone else’s shoes or even to think how something might sound?

Next time that happens Gianna, ask those women if they love their children, and if they can imagine their lives without them. After the probable “Of course!” and “Never!”, then ask them how they think it would feel never to be able to bear those children. Then ask them if they still think we should “get over it”. Then ask them if every single thing they’ve ever prayed for has been given to them. When they inevitably (at least if they’re honest) answer “No”, ask them if maybe they haven’t prayed hard enough.

Sheesh. That rant didn’t make me feel any better. Still seething. :mad:
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:amen: **To that! So unfair! 😦 **
**I just LOVE your advice SeekerJen! 😃 **
 
SeekerJen said:
OOOH…Grrrrrr…

Sometimes the things that come out of others’ mouths are unbelievable. Seriously, do these people ever stop for a second to either put themselves in someone else’s shoes or even to think how something might sound?

Next time that happens Gianna, ask those women if they love their children, and if they can imagine their lives without them. After the probable “Of course!” and “Never!”, then ask them how they think it would feel never to be able to bear those children. Then ask them if they still think we should “get over it”. Then ask them if every single thing they’ve ever prayed for has been given to them. When they inevitably (at least if they’re honest) answer “No”, ask them if maybe they haven’t prayed hard enough.

Sheesh. That rant didn’t make me feel any better. Still seething. :mad:
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Good comebacks, Jen! Sometimes, I am totally surprised by what people say!
You know, like I’ve said so many times, my heart really is healed by the adoption of our kids. I love them so much. If God said I’d have to give them up, and He would give me bio kids, I would say NO WAY! I don’t suffer in the same way with infertility as I did before adopting the kids.
What remains frustrating and painful is to feel left out and hurt when conversation inevitably turns toward pregnancy/labor/delivery stories at every darned baby shower, mom get together, tupperware party, etc. etc. etc.! Some stories I have heard over and again. It seems to be getting better as I get older. However, in my Catholic friend circle, since they continue to have children (and God bless them for that!), the stories continue. They also seem to be the ones who continue with the insensitive comments. Like some here have said, dh and I have tried very hard to adhere to Church teaching while suffering infertility. There are so many “procedures” I could have had that may have made me pregnant. Yet, I knew that I would not be obedient had I done them. Such a sacrifice, yet it is unseen and not respected. Every time I’m hurting like this, I really try to offer it up for contracepting couples I know or for my children or for infertile couples. It helps to use my pain for good.
 
Wow! I feel like I have been out of the loop lately. I recently started a new job, so I wasn’t checking the site as often.

So many prayers offered for the recent posts and sufferings mentioned. Those comments are completely insensitive and uncalled for. Thank you for the witty (and truthful) responses:)

Loving y’all in the Lord!
 
Is one of those ladies a particularly good friend? The kind that you could confide in? If so, maybe you could causually mention to her that this bothers you. I would bet that it would curb some of this kind of talk when you are around. I second walking out when this talk starts and limiting contact when it is painful. Nothing says we have to stay and suffer through. It would be nice if others could be more sensitive. I think it is hard for someone to understand how much our hearts long for children. The longing is so strong that it is painful. I know my longing was so strong that it was a physical pain. It was the elephant that sat on my chest. It was the weight that made my shoulders droop. I’m not sure it can be explained to someone who doesn’t feel it.
 
Giannawannabe said:
There are so many “procedures” I could have had that may have made me pregnant. Yet, I knew that I would not be obedient had I done them. Such a sacrifice, yet it is unseen and not respected.
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Ain’t that the one that just kills you? When you KNOW that you are doing right, and so many people look down on you as if you were purposely defying God. 😦 After the adoption, most of that quit, because people FINALLY figured out, hey, they must not be able to have any more if they adopted. Duh. :mad:

What most of you are saying, even though we are all at different places in this ‘way of the (infertility) cross’ we are carrying, is that the hurt never really goes away. I’ve found that to be true. I WANT one of those huge Catholic families of 6+ kids. But I don’t see it happening. Our lives have changed enough I know we can’t afford another adoption for at least several years. By then we’ll be reaching the top of the age range for being accepted. Even though I want another baby, I’m just not sure it will ever happen. And every time I think about the millions of babies aborted, or prevented through contraception every single year, I get angry, frustrated, depressed, and annoyed. I start to get angry with God. I know that He knows best, and I know that I can trust Him completely, my human weakness kicks in and I have trouble dealing with it all. I guess this was just a rant. Sorry. :o
 
Teakafrog said:
Ain’t that the one that just kills you? When you KNOW that you are doing right, and so many people look down on you as if you were purposely defying God. 😦 After the adoption, most of that quit, because people FINALLY figured out, hey, they must not be able to have any more if they adopted. Duh. :mad:

What most of you are saying, even though we are all at different places in this ‘way of the (infertility) cross’ we are carrying, is that the hurt never really goes away. I’ve found that to be true. I WANT one of those huge Catholic families of 6+ kids. But I don’t see it happening. Our lives have changed enough I know we can’t afford another adoption for at least several years. By then we’ll be reaching the top of the age range for being accepted. Even though I want another baby, I’m just not sure it will ever happen. And every time I think about the millions of babies aborted, or prevented through contraception every single year, I get angry, frustrated, depressed, and annoyed. I start to get angry with God. I know that He knows best, and I know that I can trust Him completely, my human weakness kicks in and I have trouble dealing with it all. I guess this was just a rant. Sorry. :o
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**Ranting is more than fine here! 😛 Sorry its been a rough time for you and for all here. 😦 **
 
**If anyone is interested, I am trying to organize a joint prayer group for all Pregnant Mommies and Those Couples TTC/Adopt their families.

If you want to join in, here’s the link…**

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=186635

**I wanted to put it in Family Life, but someone did come up with a good point that it would get bumped down too quickly. So it is in the Parenting forum. If it’s too difficult to go over there, which I can totally relate with, I can arrange for a prayer partner for you via PM. 👍 **
**Hope to see you there! 😃 **
 
I am going in for surgery for endo. on Friday the 5th. I could use some prayers. I just want to have the streingth to do what ever it is that God would will me to do.
 
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