T
third84
Guest
I would appreciate any advice and guidance that anyone could provide for me. I am in the worst situation of my entire life.
I am engaged, and have been for the last 10 months, to a wonderful, caring, beautiful, loving woman. We have (had) what I would consider almost the perfect relationship. If nothing else, I was never more myself, and never more honest with anyone else about anything, ever. Just as background, we’ve struggled with living in chastity, and at the beginning of our relationship, we had sex a number of times, but since were able to grow in strength and love to want to save that gift for our future marriage together (outside of a few other slip ups, we were doing really). I really and truly felt that we were ready for the challenges that marriage would bring, of forging one life out of two.
Last week I did a terrible, awful, despicable thing. I was away for the week on a business trip, went out drinking with coworkers, and ended up in the hotel room of another woman. We did not have sex, but we more than trespassed any bounds of decency or chastity. I don’t mean to cause scandal, but clothes were off. This was as bad as it gets without being as bad as it gets.
I am now tortured by what I’ve done. I figured that step one was honesty, but I did that only to a certain degree - I told my fiance the next day that I had made out with someone, and denied that there was a hotel room involved, or anything beyond kissing. It hurts me almost as bad as what I’ve done to lie to her, we were always so honest we could always be with each other, even about our failings. She continued to press to ensure that nothing else had happened, and I denied it still. She as much as said that she couldn’t marry me if I’d had sex with the woman - which I almost did.
My fiance, of course, was devastated, as we had struggled for so long for purity, and had developed a deep trust in each other. I prided myself my whole life that I had never cheated on anyone, and remember clearly thinking less than a week previously that I could imagine how someone could do that to one they loved. And now I am that someone.
My question is basically a cry for help, any advice, guidance that anyone can give. There is a part of me that is tortured by the fact that I wasn’t completely honest with her, and I want radical honesty in my marriage. I also, however, can’t bear the additional hurt this would cause her (it’s been a week, and things are starting to normalize), and I’m terrified of losing her, which I believe to be a real possibility. I truly believe that we could be truly happy together.
Of course the first thing most would say, I suppose, is that I’m not ready for marriage. I would probably say the same if I heard this story…it’s painful for me to read it, knowing that I am now the kind of person that I previously would have pitied and looked down upon.
Oh, and of course, I went to confession immediately. My confessor didn’t seem to be too concerned about this, obviously noted that I should go out of my way to accomodate my fiance and her feelings in this time, but said that it would be imprudent, having already told her some of the story, to reveal the rest. I am obviously considering that option seriously. I am still afraid, however, of this weighing on me, of having this secret kept from her for the rest of my life. I am also of course forced to doubt, for the first time since we talked about marriage over two years ago, whether we should be getting married now. I believe myself to be ready; I am very realistic about the challenges ahead, and about my love for her. I was so out of my head that night, I can’t even believe it. I am still screaming at myself in the past, reliving it, hoping that if I imagine it going differently enough times, I can change the past. I know my thoughts would be better spent reaching out to Jesus and Mary, but this pain is so deep, and I know I simply don’t deserve her anymore, if I ever did.
Should I tell her the rest? Or should I learn to accept and move on - I didn’t, in the end, keep the reality that I’d been unfaithful from her. The wedding is in June; push it back? The thought of pushing it back, or postponing inevitably brings tears to my eyes, I have been so excited for that day, and felt so ready. And not even just feel, I had prayed and though and planned…I had really come to the honest intellectual conclusion that we were ready.I feel my life unravel when I think about this; a week ago was in a solid, loving relationship with my best friend and love of my life. Any advice is welcome.
And if nothing else, please please pray for me, and for us. Sorry for this post being so long.
I am engaged, and have been for the last 10 months, to a wonderful, caring, beautiful, loving woman. We have (had) what I would consider almost the perfect relationship. If nothing else, I was never more myself, and never more honest with anyone else about anything, ever. Just as background, we’ve struggled with living in chastity, and at the beginning of our relationship, we had sex a number of times, but since were able to grow in strength and love to want to save that gift for our future marriage together (outside of a few other slip ups, we were doing really). I really and truly felt that we were ready for the challenges that marriage would bring, of forging one life out of two.
Last week I did a terrible, awful, despicable thing. I was away for the week on a business trip, went out drinking with coworkers, and ended up in the hotel room of another woman. We did not have sex, but we more than trespassed any bounds of decency or chastity. I don’t mean to cause scandal, but clothes were off. This was as bad as it gets without being as bad as it gets.
I am now tortured by what I’ve done. I figured that step one was honesty, but I did that only to a certain degree - I told my fiance the next day that I had made out with someone, and denied that there was a hotel room involved, or anything beyond kissing. It hurts me almost as bad as what I’ve done to lie to her, we were always so honest we could always be with each other, even about our failings. She continued to press to ensure that nothing else had happened, and I denied it still. She as much as said that she couldn’t marry me if I’d had sex with the woman - which I almost did.
My fiance, of course, was devastated, as we had struggled for so long for purity, and had developed a deep trust in each other. I prided myself my whole life that I had never cheated on anyone, and remember clearly thinking less than a week previously that I could imagine how someone could do that to one they loved. And now I am that someone.
My question is basically a cry for help, any advice, guidance that anyone can give. There is a part of me that is tortured by the fact that I wasn’t completely honest with her, and I want radical honesty in my marriage. I also, however, can’t bear the additional hurt this would cause her (it’s been a week, and things are starting to normalize), and I’m terrified of losing her, which I believe to be a real possibility. I truly believe that we could be truly happy together.
Of course the first thing most would say, I suppose, is that I’m not ready for marriage. I would probably say the same if I heard this story…it’s painful for me to read it, knowing that I am now the kind of person that I previously would have pitied and looked down upon.
Oh, and of course, I went to confession immediately. My confessor didn’t seem to be too concerned about this, obviously noted that I should go out of my way to accomodate my fiance and her feelings in this time, but said that it would be imprudent, having already told her some of the story, to reveal the rest. I am obviously considering that option seriously. I am still afraid, however, of this weighing on me, of having this secret kept from her for the rest of my life. I am also of course forced to doubt, for the first time since we talked about marriage over two years ago, whether we should be getting married now. I believe myself to be ready; I am very realistic about the challenges ahead, and about my love for her. I was so out of my head that night, I can’t even believe it. I am still screaming at myself in the past, reliving it, hoping that if I imagine it going differently enough times, I can change the past. I know my thoughts would be better spent reaching out to Jesus and Mary, but this pain is so deep, and I know I simply don’t deserve her anymore, if I ever did.
Should I tell her the rest? Or should I learn to accept and move on - I didn’t, in the end, keep the reality that I’d been unfaithful from her. The wedding is in June; push it back? The thought of pushing it back, or postponing inevitably brings tears to my eyes, I have been so excited for that day, and felt so ready. And not even just feel, I had prayed and though and planned…I had really come to the honest intellectual conclusion that we were ready.I feel my life unravel when I think about this; a week ago was in a solid, loving relationship with my best friend and love of my life. Any advice is welcome.
And if nothing else, please please pray for me, and for us. Sorry for this post being so long.
…that you had a moment of weakness, and that you ended up hurting your fiancee. The thing about ‘affairs’ ‘one night stands’ etc…is that they rarely have to do with ‘not being ready for commitment.’ Although, commitment issues are wrapped up with one night stands, affairs, etc…it’s not the whole story. I have had friends and family who have cheated, and the common thread that bonds all of these people together, is that they lacked self esteem. Yep. Usually, affairs, etc are about the person who is cheating–their need for attention, flattery, etc…not really sex. Sex is the byproduct, but you would not have sought out the woman (perhaps if you were not drinking, too is a possiblity) but if you felt confident/completely positive about yourself. Not saying you don’t–but something is lacking. You also shouldn’t be ‘terrified of losing’ someone. I noted that while reading your post. So–my advice…whether or not your fiancee stays with you–(which I hope she does!) – is to seek help of what it is that might be eating at you to a) cheat and b) be terrified of losing your fiancee. I think it’s obvious that any of us who are madly in love with our spouses, gf’s, bf’s…would be devestated if the relationship ended. But, to be terrified, is a different thing. People who cheat are also fearful of things–commitment being on of them–but usually not having that ‘something’ that they need to find. (and try to find in someone else) You never cheated before–and you went to your priest…and you didn’t have sex, per se…I know that God is all merciful…I pray that your fiancee forgives you, and you both can move on. However–I think it wouldn’t be imprudent of her to postpone being engaged to you–so you can seek out some help for why you did what you did. Some may tell you…‘ah, you’re just sowing wild oats.’ Nah. You are an aware and seemingly devout Catholic…and a good Catholic, from the sounds of it. So glad you took this to confession! But–Your weakness means something–find out what it means…then, and only then–will you be able to forgive yourself, and move forward past it. I hope I’ve helped. I am too sorry for a long reply!
You are in my prayers, my brother in Christ.
For now, your heart would be broken, but it is what it is, now–just continue to be loving (and patient), like your priest suggested, and see where it leads. I hope for the best!!