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kage_ar
Guest
One suggestion - talk with your priest one more time.
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third84
Guest
I know, I will. And I have already started looking for someone good to see as a counselor, or advisor to help with this.
I just have to keep praying that she comes to think of this as something that can be worked through, and not as the end of us.
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mary_s_kid
Guest
Personally, I find it very encouraging that you told her the truth. I’d love to give you a pat on the back right now.
Make sure she knows you are going to go to counseling because of this and answer any questions she may have about it. You have to be an open book to her, completely transparent and you have to do it without trying to defend what you did in any way. Anything else will just make the situation worse. I’ll pray she gives you the opportunity.
Make sure she knows you are going to go to counseling because of this and answer any questions she may have about it. You have to be an open book to her, completely transparent and you have to do it without trying to defend what you did in any way. Anything else will just make the situation worse. I’ll pray she gives you the opportunity.
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Norseman82
Guest
I don’t know if “kicked out” means that you were just visiting or if you two are cohabitating, but if you two are cohabitating, this is a blessing in disguise. Many (I wish it were all) parishes have a requirement that cohabitating couples seeking a sacramental marriage cease living together until married, and there are good reasons for that. There is a USCCB document on the subject:
usccb.org/laity/marriage/cohabiting.shtml
If you are not cohabitating, please disregard.
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third84
Guest
Oh yeah, that’s not an issue. I meant I drove the two hours to her apartment, we talked for about 10-15 minutes, and she told me that I needed to leave and couldn’t see me right then. I still live with my parents. Didn’t mean to cause confusion.
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whatevergirl
Guest
I’m sorry third. As my above post on this indicates–cheating is often more about the person cheating, not the person being cheated on. However, the person who was betrayed certainly feels awful, etc from being betrayed–and rightfully so. Although you cannot see this right now–it might be a blessing in disguise…you might not be ready for marriage, third. You might think this person is the only woman you’ll ever marry, but maybe in that moment of weakness, what was revealed is that you’re not ready. I think with sin, we often learn things–not that sinning is a good thing. But, instead of chasing this woman…I would get your own thoughts in order…pray…and really reflect on what caused you to do this. I would then, pursue her, but I wouldn’t just have a knee-jerk reaction–‘she broke up with me so now I need to beg for forgiveness.’ I’m sure you apologized…and she also needs time to reflect without you interjecting–if she wants to marry you. This time should be spent reflecting on that, and seeing if you both can move past this. I would give it some time to get your head and spirit back in order…before charging ahead with wedding plans, personally.
I have a question though…you said if her dad knew, it would lead to violence? I’m assuming you meant that he would harm you? No one has the right in this situation to react with violence. I just wanted to add that, because I found that sentence troubling.
I will keep you and your gf in my prayers!
I have a question though…you said if her dad knew, it would lead to violence? I’m assuming you meant that he would harm you? No one has the right in this situation to react with violence. I just wanted to add that, because I found that sentence troubling.
I will keep you and your gf in my prayers!
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third84
Guest
I know its not really a time for that, but the ‘violence’ was basically a tongue in cheek comment. I meant it in the ‘he would kill me’ kind of way.
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whatevergirl
Guest
Ok…I see.
You did the right thing by discussing the whole story with her–I pray that things work out with you both, but I think you both need some time to reflect at this stage.
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GraceDK
Guest
I agree with whatevergirl here that its important to sit down and ask yourself how things could in such a serious way get out of hand.
There might be any number of elements that made the behaviour likely:
alcohol or
simply lust
but then I am wondering… if you so thoroughly lost control because of the alcohol then why did you not have intercourse with the woman… You had your limits there because you still had your head on your shoulders. At every step you could have chosen to stop the behaviour but at every moment you chose to go right on ahead. That is the naked truth and the responsibility that you have to take.
Now I am a person who is looking for answers as to what makes people do things that they know are very wrong.
and I think that there must be a loss of faith as the foundation.
Faith in the fact that you are a human being, created by God for high purposes.
You lack the faith in God and in God the faith in man as the one creature that can hold or throw away the eternal, the precious, the higher… It is sin to risk the things of the kingdom because we buy into the lies of satan that say; “surely you will not die…” or rather, as you and I have experienced: “surely you will still be the same man tomorrow… surely you cannot loose the things you hold dear.”
We have fallen asleep and the devil says: “You can blow and have flour in your mouth all at the same time…” thats his vicious lie… he is saying that things can’t be destroyed… that a man stays the same regardless of his deeds. And that lie is bought at the moment where we have lost faith that we are in fact what God says we are…
Sorry… I am babbling here… I am trying to figure it out. In my own life I had to confess that there was no excuses for me… No dad that abused me, no traumas or violations to my free will… Nothing. Only my own lust and my “I am the king of the world” feeling that everything would be alright… because its only after you step over the last line and wake up the next day that you discover that things are certainly not alright…
Then it is that we are the lost that need the Saviour the most… we are the unworthy ones that the other’s spit on and have power over and who have to bear penance inside ourselves for a long time.
I have found that when we lie down in the dust admitting all as it really is, then Jesus starts restoring us… at that time again we can show ourselves to the world and look fresh and pure and real healing begins…
There might be any number of elements that made the behaviour likely:
alcohol or
simply lust
but then I am wondering… if you so thoroughly lost control because of the alcohol then why did you not have intercourse with the woman… You had your limits there because you still had your head on your shoulders. At every step you could have chosen to stop the behaviour but at every moment you chose to go right on ahead. That is the naked truth and the responsibility that you have to take.
Now I am a person who is looking for answers as to what makes people do things that they know are very wrong.
and I think that there must be a loss of faith as the foundation.
Faith in the fact that you are a human being, created by God for high purposes.
You lack the faith in God and in God the faith in man as the one creature that can hold or throw away the eternal, the precious, the higher… It is sin to risk the things of the kingdom because we buy into the lies of satan that say; “surely you will not die…” or rather, as you and I have experienced: “surely you will still be the same man tomorrow… surely you cannot loose the things you hold dear.”
We have fallen asleep and the devil says: “You can blow and have flour in your mouth all at the same time…” thats his vicious lie… he is saying that things can’t be destroyed… that a man stays the same regardless of his deeds. And that lie is bought at the moment where we have lost faith that we are in fact what God says we are…
Sorry… I am babbling here… I am trying to figure it out. In my own life I had to confess that there was no excuses for me… No dad that abused me, no traumas or violations to my free will… Nothing. Only my own lust and my “I am the king of the world” feeling that everything would be alright… because its only after you step over the last line and wake up the next day that you discover that things are certainly not alright…
Then it is that we are the lost that need the Saviour the most… we are the unworthy ones that the other’s spit on and have power over and who have to bear penance inside ourselves for a long time.
I have found that when we lie down in the dust admitting all as it really is, then Jesus starts restoring us… at that time again we can show ourselves to the world and look fresh and pure and real healing begins…
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third84
Guest
Ok, so I don’t think its going to happen. She is disgusted with me, especially that I revealed it kind of in bits and pieces, and I don’t know how this might have been different had I just told her the whole thing all at once. I think I’ve lost her. She knows the whole story, but I think that was too much for the relationship to bear.
I never want to go through anything like this again.
I never want to go through anything like this again.
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dulcissima
Guest
Well, give her some time and space. I’m pretty sure that you can understand why she feels like she does.
I still think that even if you lose her that you really do need to see a counselor and work through this, so that you can have the peace of mind of knowing that you have really done the work to ensure that you have addressed your issues and really don’t have to worry about this happening again.
I’m sorry that you are hurting, but don’t get lost in that hurt. Stick close to God, and you will find the strength you need to get through this.
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third84
Guest
I just want to write and say thank you, for all of your support, advice, and prayers. It is still a very confusing and distressing situation. I have now talked to two different priests who don’t believe it necessary to postpone or cancel the wedding. I have been looking for a counselor to help me figure out why this happened, but haven’t seen one yet. I think what may make postponing or cancelling necessary is if she decides she can’t trust me, or, as she has said and most definitely deserves, decides she’d rather find a man who would never do this in the first place, because regardless of whether I change and it never happens again, I will always be someone who hurt her deeply. I can’t blame her for feeling that way. Anyone have any other ideas on how I can go about groveling? Its hard to see that I could ever do enough.
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dulcissima
Guest
Groveling is not what you need to be doing. You need to do what is right, regardless of the outcome. You have told her the truth; you have been to confession. Now you need to give her space and accept that she has a choice to make, a choice that is hers to make. Groveling would do nothing to help the situation and is totally inappropriate.
You need to not just look into counseling, but actually start going…to several visits, regardless of what her decision is. Even if she decides that she doesn’t want to marry you, this is still something that you need to do for, and you need to understand that you are doing it for you and not just as a way of still getting married. Otherwise, it is meaningless.
You need to not just look into counseling, but actually start going…to several visits, regardless of what her decision is. Even if she decides that she doesn’t want to marry you, this is still something that you need to do for, and you need to understand that you are doing it for you and not just as a way of still getting married. Otherwise, it is meaningless.
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duskyjewel
Guest
I’m sorry, but these priests are not helping you, your fiancee, or the institution of marriage. This is extremely serious and needs time for evaluation, healing and resolution. I think the priests are trying to spare your feelings, but they are wrong. How could they want your fiancee to enter marriage with this hanging over her head? It could provide grounds for an annulment later (should the marriage break down)! If she were to say she felt pressured because 2 priests said it was not necessary to postpone the wedding, it could be determined that her consent was not truly free. Never mind all the hurt, anger, and upheaval she feels without that.
third84, I said to your fiancee that you showed addictive behaviors with alcohol that night. She keeps saying that you do not have a drinking problem, and I don’t know if you do or don’t. But you did have drinking to get drunk, impairment of judgement, and risky behaviors. Those are all markers of addictive substance use. You need to honestly evaluate yourself and your alcohol use to determine if you need help with it. Also, have you been tested for STDs? You can get them from sexual activities other than intercourse. A friend of mine got herpes, lifelong incurable herpes, from oral sex. And as this woman was a stranger, from what I gathered on your fiancee’s thread, you know nothing about her lifestyle. She could be an IV drug user risking AIDS and hepatitis. She could sleep with a new guy every week. She could have a husband or boyfriend who cheats on her.
In your original post, you spoke of feeling like you were never more honest, never more yourself, than in this relationship. Then, you get within 3 or 4 months of your wedding and you “do” another woman. Is it possible that you were lying to yourself all along? That you love the idea of marriage, or the idea of your fiancee as your wife, but are not truly ready to shoulder all that commitment and responsibility? Even that you truly do love your fiancee, but only consented to marry because it seemed like you should, like it was “about time,” like it was expected? If so, that’s OK, but you have to be honest about it. What you did is the kind of overdramatic, catastrophic thing people do when they are desperate to get out something they don’t really want to do, but can’t bring themselves to be honest about it.
I hope you both can heal and move on to have healthy marriages, whether to each other (eventually) or to others. I have told your fiancee that she should cancel the wedding, and then if she still wants to marry you, to give you a couple of years to prove yourself. I think the most merciful thing you could do would be to cancel the wedding and tell her you want to spend the next couple of years proving yourself to her. That way, she can evaluate her choices without all this pressure, she doesn’t feel like she’s punishing you because she canceled the wedding, and you can re-propose at the right time, without the pain, anger, and rancor from this hanging over your heads. Yes, you might lose her by doing this, but someone who really loves someone else is willing to risk losing the relationship to serve their good. Holding on because you are afraid to lose her is selfish, and it’s a form of using her. You wouldn’t be serving her best interests, you would be catering to your pain and fear to her detriment.
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Norseman82
Guest
The bottom line is that YOU need to RE-EARN her trust. How, I don’t know, since I’ve never been in your situation. The only thing I could advise you would be to get a good Catholic “accountability partner” - perhaps a married male not too much older than you who has a stable family situation (and it doesn’t have to be a formal accountability relationship, just someone in the neighborhood or parish that you trust and are relaxed with to talk about things and who can give you the benefit of experience in a marital relationship).
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