Infidelity...help

[kettle]

Whether or not you choose to give her all of the details, your relationship has permanently changed. That’s not to say it won’t ever be wonderful again, but it will never be the same.

I don’t have an answer for you, because there isn’t ONE single answer to this situation.

 

[puzzleannie]

can’t improve on whatevergirl said
nor can I improve on OP’s admission about alcohol being a factor
you have a huge clue here
get it worked on before marriage and save a lot of grief for everyone

 

[iamrefreshed]

Do you want to tell her so you feel better?

When you can answer that question you should have your answer on what you should do.

 

[kage_ar]

One thing to keep in mind - the voice of experience. YOU have never been through this before, and your fiancee has never been through this before.

Your Priest has given council to many people in this exact same situation, he has unique grace from God, special training and real life experience. I’d wager your Priest has seen the devistation when someone tells gory details to make themselves feel better - what it does to the innocent party. LISTEN TO YOUR PRIEST.

Do not discuss the details ever with another living soul (unless they are a Priest). When your girlfriend asks again, answer that you have confessed and been given absolution. That you will never discuss this again with her.

And pray and pray and pray. Fast for your future wife.

 

[gmarie21]

Will one of your coworkers who witnessed your interactions with this other lady accidentally “slip” and tell your fiance about the details or will she accidentally overhear them at your wedding (remember when third84 was on that business trip and he went into his hotel room with that girl to sew wild oats before he was tied down with a ball and chain)? That would be a worry of mine because if more than just you and the girl knew (and since you were drunk, you may not think others knew, but I’m sure that they did and you were too drunk to realize) that information can easily slip out somewhere along the lines of your life together. Also, she does suspect that you’re not telling her the whole truth. Most people know when they’re being lied to which is why she keeps asking you, she knows you’re lying.

You should postpone the wedding until you figure out who you are. To allow yourself to get carried away and think you would never do what you did is enough to know that you don’t know who you are. I should know, I had an affair with a married man. I now know my weaknesses and set up guidelines for myself so that I will avoid the near occassion of sin in the future (my guidelines include not spending time on the phone, in person, or over the internet with someone who is the opposite sex). If I were you I’d avoid alcohol when you’re away from your fiance because you have not learned to drink moderately (like only one beer with the pizza or one glass of wine with the Italian dinner).

 

[kevinsgirl]

If I was your fiancée, I would want to be told the truth in regards to your infidelity. Gory details are not necessary, but the truth should not be withheld from someone who has a right to know (“I didn’t tell you everything earlier. There was a hotel room and we did everything but have sex.”). Your fiancée asked you specific questions about your night out and you did NOT tell her the truth. If this would be a dealbreaker for her (as it would be for me) then you even more should tell her the truth. The PP’s who talk about “not burdening her” seem to be missing the point that she needs to personally make the decision to remain with her fiancé after an infidelity…all that you have told her at this point is that there was “making out”…in many girls’ minds that would qualify as drunken behavior…not hardcore infidelity…but that is NOT what went on and she should know that. You two are NOT married and she has the right to walk away based on this infedility…and you want to go into marriage concealing this? What kind of a marriage starts off with lies? In many cases ones where annulments are later obtained…

I know I’m probably being a bit harsh and saying the opposite of what many of the other posters have said, but don’t make decisions for your fiancée. Be up front, tell her the whole truth, and humbly ask for her forgiveness. She may not be able to forgive you, but at least you will have given her the truth and respected HER decisions based on the truth.

Let’s say you didn’t tell her and you got married as planned. Wouldn’t you feel that you had cheated her into marrying you? If my spouse had done that, and I found out later in our marriage that he had lied to me because he knew I might not marry him if I knew, my trust in him would be severely shaken. If you don’t tell her now, you’ll be keeping this secret the rest of your life.

I think that you don’t want to tell her because you are afraid she will push back the wedding or break up with you. That isn’t your call…it is hers and she needs the truth to make it.

 

[kristacecilia]

I completely agree with Kevinsgirl. She needs to know the truth- not necessarily all the explicit details, but what ACTUALLY happened- so that she can decide what she wants in her life. She may choose you, she may not. I would start praying a lot if I were you.

However, if it were me and I found out years later that my husband had not been completely honest with me about such activities, I would feel coerced into marriage. I might even wonder if my marriage was valid at all, since I didn’t enter into it of my own freewill (with the knowledge of what had happened).

 

[mary_s_kid]

You need to ask yourself what is in the best interest of your fiance regardless of how you feel about it. Doesn’t she deserve honesty from you in this prior to marriage? Doesn’t she get to make up her own mind instead of you making it up for her?

And what happens in 10 years when being in love doesn’t always feel so good? If you couldn’t control yourself now, when you are so in love, what happens then?

Don’t blame it on the alcohol. You knew what you were doing when you were doing it (per your posts).
I’m sorry it sounds harsh but its reality.

 

[third84]

I know that I have to tell her. And I don’t want to, for the same reason that I should…this could be a dealbreaker. A moment of unspeakable stupidity, and I’m about to lose the woman I considered the love of my life.

Please pray for me, and for all those of us who’ve done this. For the victims, but for the perpetrators as well. I never thought I could do this to someone, and always looked on with scorn and disbelief at those who would cheat on loved ones. If only I’d remembered St. Philip Neri, who knew that there but for the grace of God go I, this might never have happened. God bless.

 

[dublingirl]

Hi there.

First of all, I can see how tortured you are over this and please know that I will be praying very especially for you and your fiancee.
I do think you should tell her that you told the truth when you said that you ‘made out’ but say then that it was a bit more than that, that you’d prefer not to go into the detail as you’ve been to Confession but do tell her that you DID NOT have sex. Then I would repeat how much you love her and want her but that you wanted to come clean that the contact was more than making out but it was NOT sex. If she asks for more details I really wouldn’t give them. She’ll always have the image in her head of what you say you did. I would keep repeating that this was done under drunken behaviour, that you DID NOT really know what you were doing (people often do things that are extremely out of character when they are drunk) and that this will never happen again.
Even though I haven’t had something like this happen to me, the fact that you were drunk when it all happened would be a major mitigating factor if a fiance told me this.
As I said I can see this must be the worst thing that you’ve ever had to go through and I will really keep you and the fiancee in my prayers.
God bless

 

[dulcissima]

I know that I have to tell her. And I don’t want to, for the same reason that I should…this could be a dealbreaker. A moment of unspeakable stupidity, and I’m about to lose the woman I considered the love of my life.

Please pray for me, and for all those of us who’ve done this. For the victims, but for the perpetrators as well. I never thought I could do this to someone, and always looked on with scorn and disbelief at those who would cheat on loved ones. If only I’d remembered St. Philip Neri, who knew that there but for the grace of God go I, this might never have happened. God bless.

thinking about it more…and you probably are right to tell her. Even if you lose her, I think it is still right.

I guess the advice I originally gave would be better advice if you were already married.

 

[rayne89]

Thanks, whatevergirl, believe it or not, you’ve actually been a considerable help. I hope I didn’t sound defensive, I was just trying to honestly evaluate what you were saying to how it applies… it was a good suggestion, and I still think that might be part of it! I know that I do have a very hard time forgiving myself for these kinds of sins, and this is probably far worse than what I’ve done before, because it directly hurt someone that I love deeply. (Not that we aren’t hurt every time we sin… but this was additionally an act of betrayal against her, as well as against God.)

I guess my question still is, should I tell her the rest, or leave it as a random make out?

If you have made a firm decision that this will never happen again, do not tell her the rest. This is your burden to bear, disclosing the rest would serve to releave you of your guilt but would only cause pain to your fiance. You have cause her enough pain already.

 

[jazzbaby1]

If you have made a firm decision that this will never happen again, do not tell her the rest. This is your burden to bear, disclosing the rest would serve to releave you of your guilt but would only cause pain to your fiance. You have cause her enough pain already.

I have to say that I totally disagree with this advice and I’m a little shocked at what I’m seeing from some of my fellow posters. There is a world of difference between a random make out session and winding up naked in another woman’s hotel room. Neither is behavior that I would expect from someone I was about to marry, but one is definitely worse than the other. The OP has not posted that his fiancee is emotionally fragile and that this knowledge will destroy her but that he is afraid that it will destroy the relationship. Frankly, that’s a concern he should have had before he wound up naked in someone else’s hotel room. If these two are mature enough to get married then they need to be mature enough to have a discussion of what actually happened. Yes his guilt is his burden to bear but he’s going to bear that anyway; not telling her is simply going to make it worse. The OP’s fiancee has asked him directly if the make out session went any further. She expects and deserves an honest answer simply because she’s an adult human being and any attempts to “spare her feelings” smack of treating her like a child. Marriage is a serious sacrament and needs to be entered with eyes wide open by adults who are willing to take the consequences of their actions.

 

[rayne89]

I have to say that I totally disagree with this advice and I’m a little shocked at what I’m seeing from some of my fellow posters. There is a world of difference between a random make out session and winding up naked in another woman’s hotel room. Neither is behavior that I would expect from someone I was about to marry, but one is definitely worse than the other. The OP has not posted that his fiancee is emotionally fragile and that this knowledge will destroy her but that he is afraid that it will destroy the relationship. Frankly, that’s a concern he should have had before he wound up naked in someone else’s hotel room. If these two are mature enough to get married then they need to be mature enough to have a discussion of what actually happened. Yes his guilt is his burden to bear but he’s going to bear that anyway; not telling her is simply going to make it worse. The OP’s fiancee has asked him directly if the make out session went any further. She expects and deserves an honest answer simply because she’s an adult human being and any attempts to “spare her feelings” smack of treating her like a child. Marriage is a serious sacrament and needs to be entered with eyes wide open by adults who are willing to take the consequences of their actions.

Well his confessor gave him the same advice.

I have been on the receiving end of similar information nothing good came of it, just more pain and a memory I wish I didn’t have. I realize people will disagree, I’m just giving my opinion. I have a different perspective on taking the consequences for his actions -to me they are to live with what he did with firm ammendment never to put him himself in such a situation again and spare his fiancee more pain. If he feels this could happen in any way, shape or form again then he should tell her -if not, than learn from it and move on.

I have been married 17 years, I certainly realize that marriage is a serious sacrament. I do think that the poster is not ready for marriage though and needs to look further how easliy he managed to find himself naked with a woman he’s not married to (or engaged to.)

 

[Ardent_Fire]

Here’s just my thoughts…
the thing is, it’s understandable if his confessor told him not to go into detail – ** if more or less she knew what actually happened.** But it seems to me she’s being misled, in fact she’s being flat out lied to – and I can’t imagine anyone, let alone a confessor, allowing for this, especially with two people going into marriage.

I know that extra information may cause additional hurt in some respects, but to me the greater hurt would be the dishonesty and the conditions of your marriage possibly being based on a lie. There’s a big difference between a random make-out in a bar, and going almost all the way in a hotel room. I mean, people slip up. It happens, I understand this. He has repented and is forgiven. But it’s the lying on top of it that really worries me and could be indicative of a deeper problem that should be resolved before getting married.

It’s like someone else said – if someone slips up and lies when they are in the “honeymoon” phase of engagement and marriage – what about when things don’t feel all that romantic, or when things get rough? What when children are brought into the equation? Shouldn’t they be bred from a marriage that is rock solid and about mutual knowledge and honesty?

Sincerely believing that you’d never do something again doesn’t really work – for anyone. We all have to be realistic, acknowledge that we are weak, and stay on our toes. “Never again! Now let’s get married” just doesn’t cut it for me, personally. If she knew what really happened, he would also know whether or not she still loves him despite his flaws. (And we all have them!)

Anyway that is just my 2 cents, and comes with the disclaimer that this is just internet (name removed by moderator)ut from someone that doesn’t know everything. I’m just expressing my concerns.

To the OP, I would say – don’t lose hope, whatever may happen. Maybe God allowed this to happen for a reason, that perhaps something is wrong that needs to be looked at – causing grief and heartache now, but perhaps it spares you and her even greater grief and heartache in the future.

 

[jazzbaby1]

Well his confessor gave him the same advice.

I have been on the receiving end of similar information nothing good came of it, just more pain and a memory I wish I didn’t have. I realize people will disagree, I’m just giving my opinion. I have a different perspective on taking the consequences for his actions -to me they are to live with what he did with firm ammendment never to put him himself in such a situation again and spare his fiancee more pain. If he feels this could happen in any way, shape or form again then he should tell her -if not, than learn from it and move on.

I have been married 17 years, I certainly realize that marriage is a serious sacrament. I do think that the poster is not ready for marriage though and needs to look further how easliy he managed to find himself naked with a woman he’s not married to (or engaged to.)

Please understand that I’m not attacking you or anyone else who’s given advice thus far on this thread. I’ve stood in his fiancee’s shoes; I’ve also stood in his. I know well the pain from a past I’m not proud to have but am thrilled to have redeemed by Jesus. I would like to give you my perspective, though, and why I answered as I did.

First, confessors can sometimes give bad advice. They’re human. We, as humans, can sometimes leave out bits of information. I’m not attacking the clergy as a whole or even his confessor specifically but I don’t think we have enough information to know what was truly said, and we shouldn’t.

The OP has posted that the truth about this situation could be a dealbreaker for his fiancee and that she’s asking direct questions about how far it went. As I said above, there’s a world of difference between what he admitted to her and what he did. I don’t think that he needs to be cruel or crass about it but he needs to answer her questions honestly and let her decide whether she wants to marry him. She has the right to decide to NOT marry him. If he keeps this to himself and she marries him and she finds out later he may be facing a broken marriage and annulment rather than a broken engagement. I’m not saying the information will not be painful but she’s still entitled to it.

My .02, ymmv.

 

[Jeanette_L]

I never thought I could do this to someone, and always looked on with scorn and disbelief at those who would cheat on loved ones. If only I’d remembered St. Philip Neri, who knew that there but for the grace of God go I, this might never have happened. God bless.

Just a little side note - apart from the dilemma of whole truth or half truth - it may be more in your best interest, eternally speaking, to come away from this with a much greater lesson learned, and that would be humility.

I speak from experience here. Whenever we look down on others for particular weaknesses, we invariably invite those weaknesses into our own lives. Learn this lesson now, don’t wait another decade or two with many scars to show for it.

God Bless.

 

[Norseman82]

Male chiming in here.

It’s just that I’ve had to lie since then, as she seeks the reassurance of asking me that all we did was make out.

This sums up a deeper problem and is a “red flag”. If you are dishonest now, how will that carry over to your marriage? Additionally, when you lie, typically you have to lie to cover up your other lies, and after a while you are spending your entire life just trying to keep all the lies straight. Not a good way to start your marriage.

I know your confessor said something about it not being prudent to tell her, but was he telling you to lie or just not to volunteer information?

If it is bothering your fiancee that much, and if it was not limited to “making out”, for crying out loud just answer her questions honestly and let the chips fall where they will. If she is distrustful of you, or wants to slap you, or delay the wedding, then so be it. If she wants to call off the wedding, then so be it (just get to the end of the line and stay away from my virgins!). Be a man, suck it up, deal with the consequences. Better now than after the wedding, when it will only be worse if not dealt with now.

 

[GraceDK]

You ask if you should tell her the rest… about how far you went.
I’ll ask you: “wouldn’t you wanna know?” and “wouldn’t you EXPECT honesty from her, if she was in your shoes?”.
I cannot believe there are people on this thread advocating that you stay silent… you know that she has A RIGHT to know, because otherwise you will enter your marriage knowing that she might not be in it if you had said the truth… can you live with that thought? You messed up… we all mess up at some point or another in one thing or the other… But honesty is the key to any succesfull relationship.
You gotta tell her what she has requested to know and then maybe she will need some time to heal apart from you… but this is the situation, this is where you are right now… she has a right to make a fair decision based on facts about who you are and what you have done… then you gotta pray like crazy and show her that you understand her right to leave you but that you are in the dust in front of her and only want her … and lastly: stay away from drinking if you cant handle it… drunkeness is not suitable for a coming husband and father and its not dignified to call your self catholic in front of people who needs Christ, but in front of whom you drink yourself into idolatry.

Be resigned in your penance… honesty is part of true penance… why would you be honest to the priest but not to the one that you will become one with in the marriage sacrament?
As Jesus said: there is nothing hidden that will not come out into broad day light.
I know how difficult it is to admit to people when we messed up really bad… believe me, I have been there… But certain things need to be said in order to bring authentic peace and healing.

Jesus loves you and I am sorry for the great hurt you have done to yourself brother. But now its the time to do the right thing…

 

[Ramalama]

can’t improve on whatevergirl said
nor can I improve on OP’s admission about alcohol being a factor
you have a huge clue here
get it worked on before marriage and save a lot of grief for everyone

We have a bingo! You’re working on the consequences of your behavior, trying to minimize the damage you feel. The real problem is you sinned! What happened to make you do that? How will you prevent doing it again? Puzzle is right - again. Your first problem is between God and you.