Infidelity...help

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To the OP.
I hope you let us know what happend. I think we are all concerned about you and how this turns out.
This last half year I have spent wondering about the human ability to destroy one’s own life. I too did what I thought was impossible for me to do and am not over the grief yet but I am beginning to heal. You too will heal… And I don’t assume to know what will happen but I think that this relationship will not end here… even though your fiancee will probably need to take a break from the relationship. What you describe is a beautiful relationship full of love and trust. Its very much in satans interest to seek to destroy it. and its in the good Lord’s interest to let him tempt you so as to prune all pride away from you so that you will eventually be a good husband and dad.
Man… its a bad situation but I have a good gut feeling that its going to be alright. If your fiancee is a spiritual woman she will also understand that your penance is going to be very heavy for a long time because of your knowlege of your deed.
But please dont loose courage and peace. Jesus loves you… the Church loves you and … yes, you did not have sex with the woman which is important (u might wanna go and get checked for std’s anyway coz you could be infected with any number of them.)

I send you my hug and these words from Pope John Paul 2:

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures: we are the sum of the Father’s love for us.
 
I know we are all basically strangers here, but I have to thank you all for you prayers and support. Were it not for this forum, I probably would have just tried to follow my confessor’s advice, something that is both a tremendous burden, and I realize dangerous for this relationship. I’m sure he just didn’t really grasp the severity of this either, as I guess I didn’t go into gory details with him either.

I have not told her yet. I have drafted about 7 emails, and been on the edge of telling her twice as many times. I know the longer I wait, the worse ie gets. As would be expected, I continue to be tempted to think that I can just let this go and not hurt her, and hear my confessor’s advice every time I am about to tell her; but I know that is weakness and a lie, and our marriage will suffer and perhaps fail as a result of such dishonesty. She is truly an amazing and wonderful woman; she has pretty much moved on, forgiven me, and put her trust in me again already - granted not knowing the extent of my failure. I know in heart that she will be an incredible wife and mother. I am just broken to think that it won’t be me she’s married to. We were planning our future, talking about how many children we wanted, looking for places to live, registering for wedding gifts, going through our pre-Cana…we had made mistakes, but we were doing our research on NFP. As engagements should be, it was the happiest and most exciting time of my life. I had never once had a thought to want to cheat, or felt that anything was lacking in this relationship. All our friends though we were the perfect couple. Everyone, including myself, thought that I was this great guy who would never ever do something like this.

And then all of a sudden, in a perfect storm of alcohol, circumstance, opportunity, and weakness, and an upsurge of past adolescent attitudes and fantasy I thought I had control of, I personally took it upon myself to smash all that to the floor. This was never supposed to happen.

Per GraceDk’s comment, I am in utter astonishment at my own ability to destory my own life. I hope, and believe intellectually as a matter of faith, that things will turn out well in the end with prayer and if I live openly and honestly, but obviously that’s pretty hard to see right now. I honestly don’t know if she’ll stay with me. She loves me, I know, but she is good, and loyal, and knows what she deserves. And she doesn’t deserve this.

You all don’t know how your prayers and support are appreciated. There are others more deserving of such support, who’s struggles aren’t so related to their own failings. For me, it is at a time like this that the mercy of God we profess to is more than I can imagine. I brought this on myself. I have possibly irreparably destroyed a relationship that truly was open, honest, and loving.

This is no abdignation of responsibility on my part, but it is, and will forever be, my firm opinion that modern notions and images of human sexuality have defeated as many attempts at genuine human happiness as any other ideology or philosophy, because it cuts to the very root of who we are as embodied persons. I can’t look out the window at a billboard, or open up an internet browser, without seeing a lie about what I as a man should want or be looking for in a relationship with a woman. And I have been dumb enough to buy it.

I know that’s anger and frustration speaking, at myself and the world, which helps little. I know my refuge is and should be Christ. The knowledge of the happiness I had before me is making it, in short, incredibly difficult to do anything but mentally crawl into a fetal position. Again, weakness. I know that its about time I started being a man.
 
To the OP:

None of us can tell you what to do, not even your confessor. All we can tell you is what we think, based on our own experiences. Since you know yourself and your fiancee (we hope) better than we do, only you know the best way to handle it.

I will tell you this: my husband has never cheated on me to the extent of having had sex with another woman. He did cross the line of kissing once and, like you, he was devastated and afraid of losing me. Alcohol was not a factor; something else that muddles the mind, conscience and heart even more was.

Pride.

See, my husband is a good man, a good, solid, moral, upright, Christian man who NEVER would even consider cheating on his wife. And every day, when he went out into the world, instead of putting on the armor of humility, trust in God, prayer to avoid temptation (and if unable to avoid it, to resist it), he put on the armor of his pride.

It’s no defense against the evil one.

Since that time, amid a lot of tears and anger and regret, he has discovered that we mere mortals are incapable of fighting the lures of the evil one without the protection of God and Our Blessed Mother. He began deepening his prayer life, daily rosary, reading the Scriptures, going to frequent confession and diligently watching out for occasions of sin and AVOIDING them. Like a friend who’s a recovering alcoholic says, “I may be able to walk past the liquor department at Walgreens once or twice a week without being tempted, but I’m not stupid enough to think I can go sit in a bar for a couple of hours and think I’m NOT going to be tempted!” In my husband’s case, he’s very attractive and has had several women at work make a pass at him, and he might have to have contact with some of these women during the course of his work, but he’s not stupid enough to join them for lunch or at social functions outside of work. And when he catches himself taking a second glance, his rosary is always in his pocket and he reaches for it immediately.

And yes, he did tell me everything, mainly because we agreed, 20 years ago, that we would not keep secrets from each other. Yes, it hurt like hell. And no, leaving him never crossed my mind. We made a promise. We would be completely honest with each other. And that, he says, is also a great deterrent to straying. He knows that I am on his side, praying for him as well (just as he prays for me) and when he needs to be strengthened, he knows he can talk to me and I will support him.

I pray that you will find the courage and strength to work this out with your fiancee. And remember to pray always. We make the mistake of saying, “Well, all I can do is pray” as if it’s the barest minimum.

It’s the greatest power there is.
 
third84 said:
I’d already kind of been following that path for the time being. But is sparing the hurt worth being dishonest, and potentially covering up a problem that may only resurface later? Not that I think the cheating could or would happen again, I was thinking more of whatever issue lies underneath. I don’t know.
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Most people who tell the person they wronged do so because it helps assuage their guilt, not because it is what is best for their loved one. Ultimately, that too, becomes a selfish act.

But this is not about your guilt; it is about what is best for your fiancee.
 
To the OP…don’t tell her by e-mail. You need to tell her this face-to-face in my opinion.

You are both in my prayers.

God bless,

kevinsgirl
 
I know, I’ve thought that, and I’d like to do it face-to-face, but I pretty much only see her on weekends, because we live two hours apart now. I feel that its urgent, as the wedding planning continues, and I don’t want her doing that unless she still feels ready to marry me after this; which I guess is unlikely. Still, I guess I should probably wait until I see her again.
 
third84 said:
I know, I’ve thought that, and I’d like to do it face-to-face, but I pretty much only see her on weekends, because we live two hours apart now. I feel that its urgent, as the wedding planning continues, and I don’t want her doing that unless she still feels ready to marry me after this; which I guess is unlikely. Still, I guess I should probably wait until I see her again.
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Is there a possibility that you could drive over there tonight or tomorrow and tell her? First, you do NOT want to tell her on Valentine’s day and if either of you were planning on stuff, this needs to be done before then. Also, you’re right about the wedding stuff–especially if she is putting deposits on things. The sooner you tell her the better. So really consider driving over soon and having a long talk. The man I dated before I met my husband broke up with me over the phone and it was hell. Face to face is definitely better because you can tell more through facial expressions, gestures, etc.

Prayers,

kevinsgirl
 
Brother.
Tell her what you have told us… except from the self pity, although I know its difficult because that can be the only weapon against despair sometimes.
Yes. I think you need to call her and tell her that you are coming to see her and need to talk to her today or tomorrow. You can write that in a mail to her top prevent her from asking questions before you arrive… but you gotta stand infront of her and tell her what she has meant for you and your life and how you messed up.
I tell you, if a man talked about me in the way that you have talked about her on this forum, I dont think I could cast him away … even though you are going to kill her when you tell her and she might beat you up… It will take time to regain what you had with her but I have hope and faith for it.

Ps. YES I do think the priest was not thinking straight. When it comes to lies I always think of the fact that Jesus would rather die that say a single lie. Theres a reason why the devil was called a liar from the beginning.
As some wise woman taught me on this forum when it was I who was lying in the deep black mud: everybody falls… but its the getting-up part thats important… Its in the process where you make good come out of evil… there God shows His mighty works in your life… and He will if you stay close to Him.

Humble your self.
 
It’s actually a good sign that it hurts. Imagine what it would mean if you didn’t hurt…Put it all up there on the altar though and be prepared for whatever her decision is.
 
It would seem unbelievable that something like this could happen, but my father once told me that things get a lot harder in marriage later on, especially with kids in the mix. So in a sense who is to say that this couldn’t have happened later on, and affected even more lives?

Praying for you and your fiancee. I do think you’re doing the right thing by telling her what really happened. I firmly believe if something is meant to be, it will be, and if God has other plans, it is for the best. We have to trust his plan in time!
 
:crying:

I suffer with you brother. I know what you feel, believe me.
I am praying for you…

Lord Jesus. We put our brother in your hands, those Hands that are pieced with Love and which hold every sinner. You breathed Life into us, and all we have are gifts from You. Dearest beloved Jesus, let now this brother’s heart heal sooner than he thinks through the love that is between these two people that you have brought together. Lord we beg for mercy and we trust that You will help our brother say the truth and carry his sorrow in holy peace and contrition. Lord please hear us and heal these hearts that are so afflicted. we know that the enemy is behind all this… and sin is disease. Lord God we trust that You in Your awesome love and mercy will bring these two wonderful people out together on the other side of this walking Hand in Hand. We ask You to prepare the young woman’s heart to receive the truth and that she stands together with her beloved in this difficult time of getting back up after a fall… Love is the healing power Lord. Sow forgiveness and peace in her heart. we know that ALL things serve to the best for those who love You.
In the Name of Yeshua Ha Messiah, Lord we trust you have heard the prayer… You who make all things new, you will deliver our brother and sister from further harm. Amen, Amen .
 
GraceDK said:
:crying:

I suffer with you brother. I know what you feel, believe me.
I am praying for you…

Lord Jesus. We put our brother in your hands, those Hands that are pieced with Love and which hold every sinner. You breathed Life into us, and all we have are gifts from You. Dearest beloved Jesus, let now this brother’s heart heal sooner than he thinks through the love that is between these two people that you have brought together. Lord we beg for mercy and we trust that You will help our brother say the truth and carry his sorrow in holy peace and contrition. Lord please hear us and heal these hearts that are so afflicted. we know that the enemy is behind all this… and sin is disease. Lord God we trust that You in Your awesome love and mercy will bring these two wonderful people out together on the other side of this walking Hand in Hand. We ask You to prepare the young woman’s heart to receive the truth and that she stands together with her beloved in this difficult time of getting back up after a fall… Love is the healing power Lord. Sow forgiveness and peace in her heart. we know that ALL things serve to the best for those who love You.
In the Name of Yeshua Ha Messiah, Lord we trust you have heard the prayer… You who make all things new, you will deliver our brother and sister from further harm. Amen, Amen .
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Amen. Honestly, that was a beautiful prayer, and halfway through I realized I shouldn’t really be reading something like that at work, unless I want someone to know that I’m about to lose it. Especially because I can’t allow myself to anticipate her standing with me through this. At least not now. She knows what she’s worth, what she deserves. And its not this.
 
“Amen. Honestly, that was a beautiful prayer, and halfway through I realized I shouldn’t really be reading something like that at work, unless I want someone to know that I’m about to lose it. Especially because I can’t allow myself to anticipate her standing with me through this. At least not now. She knows what she’s worth, what she deserves. And its not this.” - third84

This? and what is “this”? you idiot. Don’t you kow its you she wants…? Stop talking self pity or self condemnation… there is a middle road here that Jesus wants you to travel …He walks with you on His Shoulders now and you better not place any more burdens up there… do you understand.
If you did not think you were a sinner before… then for crying out loud wake up brother… hahaaa you look just like me when I fell: “me! could I fall…? Now everything is lost”. Look… you have been living a lie and now you have woken up to the realisation that you are a sinner… and you know, so is she… yes, so is she. Now what would YOU do, if she had done what you have done??? Would YOU leave her? Thats the question to ask. And you don’t have to share with us what the answer is… but you know the Lord: “you will be judged according to your own jugdement of others…”
You may delve into selfpity and say: she has a right to this and to that… but all that is illusion… we do not have a whole lot of rights. I will tell you though that she has a right to have tears and disappointment in you and that will be what will happen. I hope she remembers that you did not give yourself away to the other woman… you do however anticipate to give yourself to your fiancee totally in the holy marital embrace… I hope she remembers that.
we have ALL sinned and lost the glory of God… that is what we can be certain of.
When I sinned I too was cast into an identity crisis and thereby I found out I had seen myself among the angels instead of realising that without Jesus I can do nothing… I am dust. Now one of my spiritual directors told me this, because she saw that pride was the reason for my biggest pain: “Grace. I know this will seem to go against nature but I want you to go home, kneel down and thank God for your sin”. So I did.
Jesus has restored me to life again… it has taken half a year… and made me a more humble person for sure.
Look… you are NOT lost… you are not abandoned. You are held each moment, but now is the time to trust,pray, trust more…and be little in His Hand.

We love you and are cheering for you… that does not mean we pad your shoulder for what has happend. But the sin is in the past… please … make it past for your beloved too as soon as possible so the healing can begin. Now its the time for the authentic and better future.

Grace <><
Have courage… even before you were born Jesus knew what you would suffer but it does not make you any less His own.
 
Um, Grace, all I can say is, thanks, I needed that. That truly gave me a kind of hope and joy I haven’t experienced in 2 weeks. And I know I need to lose the self-pity.

I just hope I can convey that hope for renewal to her. I thought about it before, and although I have not experienced it, I guess I would say I like to think that I would stay with her were she to do something like this. We all like to imagine ourselves being so charitable, I suppose. It’s really hard to imagine her cheating though.
 
So I told her. I don’t know whats going to happen. She kicked me out. She upset, and angry, and in disbelief that I could have done something like this. She said one of her biggest concerns, obviously, is that she just doesn’t know how she’ll ever trust me again. I don’t know what to say to that. She hasn’t called off the wedding, yet. Her mother knows, and so do her friends. Her father does not, as that could theoretically lead to violence, and probably forever preclude the possibility that things work out between us.

I guess all I have left is to continue to pray and be open and honest. I feel that telling her is the right thing to have done. Thank you all for your advice, support, and for your prayers. You are in mine.
 
You still did the right thing. And while it’s understandable that she does not find you trustworthy right now, you would have been even less trustworthy – to her, yourself, and God – if you had not told her the truth.

God bless, you have my prayers.
 
Dear brother…
My thoughts just go out to you and to your fiancee… I am so sorry for you. heck I cant stop thinking about this mess.
I think what you need to do is to use some time in the Church or in your room or whereever just looking at Jesus, realising He is the one steady Person in your life… just look at Him and ask Him to reveal to you what you have done, the depth of it and then ask for Him to heal you both. You need to surrender to Him. Cry to Him that you miss her, but surrender by words. He is ever so near to you and one with you in your pain.
Whereas you have to be resigned at one level this is not the time to sit back and say: “that was it, its over”. Oh no… now its just the time to begin. You love her right? Well, true love does not grow on the trees…(I know from experience) so now is the time to pursue her, in a dignified way, but still firmly, to let her know that she is the one and only woman you will ever love… (If you cannot say that then I am wasting my time here) and it might be half a year, maybe one year where you show her that you live an honest desent life where she is still the one you hope to be with forever… that means you dont go out with other women or go drinking with colleges but you let her know with everything you are and have that you are the man she thought you were.
Can I ask how old you are brother?

Grace <><
 
I’m 23. And I know with a certainty unlike any other I have in my life that she is the one woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know most people would say that, if that were true, I wouldn’t have cheated on her, but I just don’t think that’s what this is about. I want nothing more than to show her that I am the man she thought she knew, just with farther to go on becoming who is meant to be that either of us previously thought.
 
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