Inter-faith Relationships

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I agree, I could never date anyone who was not Catholic.

However, had my boyfriend been that way I would have never found the Church.

Me too. My husband was the first good example of a Catholic that I had ever known. He was the first link in the chain that lead me Home. But I still would not recommend interfaith marriages.

(not sure why he decided to date me anyway when he told me from the beginning he’d never marry anyone who wasn’t Catholic) By the grace of God, I realized the truth of Catholicism and we’re still together. So, I think God can work for those who are open to His will. Really depends on the people.

**Of course God can work on those like us through those like our spouses. But He can turn almost any mistake into something good. Doesn’t change the original mistake though…

Kind of like the whole getting pregnant out of wedlock issue. The child is a blessing, that doesn’t change. A marriage between the parents may work out wonderfully. But it doesn’t justify having sex/children outside of marriage. It shouldn’t make the parents say “we did it and we have a wonderful family therefore we couldn’t have done anything wrong” or “go ahead and do it and anyone who tells you it’s wrong is wrong”.

Now, before anyone jumps on this, I AM NOT saying that interfaith marriages are sinful. I was just making a comparison.
**

 

[Elizabeth_C]

I’ve had many thoughts on this issue since last posting and reading. In fact, I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. Seriously, some of the comments remind me of the Pharisees who thought only their way was correct and some of the early Jewish Christians who wanted all new Christians to also follow the Jewish ways.

I spoke to a Catholic friend and discussed this thread. She agreed with me that difference of religion should not be the only reason to not have a marriage. The fruits of marriage are great and God given, whether 2 people are of the same religion or not, as long as faith is there.

For most of these posts, the differences sited are all still within Christian branches. I agree that the fullness of the Church is in the Catholic church. I would not give that back. But faith in Jesus and God the Father is alive in the separated bretheran. Only God knows the hearts of men and who He is welcoming to His side.

I can give a sort of counter-example to staying within Catholicism for marriage. In my husband’s family, including his parents, (Catholic mom, non-Catholic dad) only his brother married another Catholic. He is divorced and remarried. While his sister is also divorced from a non-Catholic, there were other issues in that marriage that would have been there even if he was Catholic.

My husband and I have been married for 18 1/2 years. I only converted 3 1/2 years ago. We have a strong marriage, as do his parents, who are mixed, and my parents. Marriage, when taken seriously, is a vocation and a sacrament, even when one is unaware. And, as I said before, marriage to a faith-filled man led me not only to Catholicism specifically, but to God in general.

 

[LeahInancsi]

I’ve had many thoughts on this issue since last posting and reading. In fact, I went to bed thinking about it and woke up thinking about it. Seriously, some of the comments remind me of the Pharisees who thought only their way was correct and some of the early Jewish Christians who wanted all new Christians to also follow the Jewish ways.

I spoke to a Catholic friend and discussed this thread. She agreed with me that difference of religion should not be the only reason to not have a marriage. The fruits of marriage are great and God given, whether 2 people are of the same religion or not, as long as faith is there.

For most of these posts, the differences sited are all still within Christian branches. I agree that the fullness of the Church is in the Catholic church. I would not give that back. But faith in Jesus and God the Father is alive in the separated bretheran. Only God knows the hearts of men and who He is welcoming to His side.

I can give a sort of counter-example to staying within Catholicism for marriage. In my husband’s family, including his parents, (Catholic mom, non-Catholic dad) only his brother married another Catholic. He is divorced and remarried. While his sister is also divorced from a non-Catholic, there were other issues in that marriage that would have been there even if he was Catholic.

My husband and I have been married for 18 1/2 years. I only converted 3 1/2 years ago. We have a strong marriage, as do his parents, who are mixed, and my parents. Marriage, when taken seriously, is a vocation and a sacrament, even when one is unaware. And, as I said before, marriage to a faith-filled man led me not only to Catholicism specifically, but to God in general.

I agree completely. There are so many variables that go into a good marriage and religion is just one. One of the best Catholics I’ve known was a convert who converted several years after he married a Catholic.

I waited a long time to convert for various reasons with one of the lesser reasons being that I didn’t know who I would marry and didn’t want religion to be an issue. Now at 51, religion would be a deal breaker mostly because I’m not looking to get married at this late date.

 

[IrishJoe]

hugs above 2 posters

Finally … people with some common sense !

And I agree a lot of Catholics who are ‘more catholic than the pope’ are rather reminiscent of the Pharisees.

 

[chevalier]

Umm… In an inter-faith relationship you don’t get the smile of two people who have each just been to communion.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Assuming that you are very strong/committed to your Catholic faith, ask yourself the following…

Can you see him being an excellent husband/father?
Will he support you in raising the children Catholic?
And can you picture life together as elderly people, enjoying your great-granchildren together?.

Jen, the problem is that part of being a great father is to be a great spiritual head of the household. In my experience, I do not know a single couple who raised kids in a mixed marriage whose children embraced the faith as adults.

Odds are, your “great little boy” will not hang on to his faith in adulthood.

 

[Michael_Saint]

However, after reading all of them, there seems to be a missing thread. You need to ask The Lord! You must invite GOD not only to a wedding, but to a marriage!

I am afraid that I may get into trouble here, but I don’t think that anyone who asks the Lord will be told by Him to enter into a mixed marriage.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I am afraid that I may get into trouble here, but I don’t think that anyone who asks the Lord will be told by Him to enter into a mixed marriage.

**As a broad generalization, I agree with you. But we can never know individual situations or God’s will… so if someone says that God told them/approves of their interfaith marriage we can only pray that they are truly hearing our Lord and not their own desires in disguise.

Malia (a fellow Albertan)**

 

[whatevergirl]

Jen, the problem is that part of being a great father is to be a great spiritual head of the household. In my experience, I do not know a single couple who raised kids in a mixed marriage whose children embraced the faith as adults.

Odds are, your “great little boy” will not hang on to his faith in adulthood.

And then you have my husband’s family…9 kids, and only 2 practice Catholicism. (my husband and one of his brothers) His mom was very devout…kids went to Catholic school. But, something could be attributed to what you are saying…their dad rarely attended church. Believed in God, etc…believed in RCC doctrine, but rarely joined the family at church. Maybe there is something to be said about the father being active in the faith? I don’t know.

 

[whatevergirl]

Personally, I wanted to marry a Catholic man, since I was a child. My faith is important to me, and also, I want to share that part of myself with my husband, and he wants to share that with me. I have seen marriages that are inter-faith work, though, and some where the husband or wife converted for the other. But, for us, we wanted that in our marriage. I think it could be difficult, but I have also seen families of different denominations or religions have fantastic marriages…so I suppose it would depend on the couple. Definitely discuss it before marriage…not something I’d leave to chance, taking for granted that somehow it will all work out. If a couple discusses things thoroughly…then, hopefully, there won’t be problems regarding this in the marriage.

 

[Michael_Saint]

I have seen marriages that are inter-faith work, though, and some where the husband or wife converted for the other. . . . I have also seen families of different denominations or religions have fantastic marriages

whatevergirl, I agree with you - some do work out rather well.

However, one word of caution: Many times women who are in “mixed relationships” will specifically look at those situations where mixed marriages did work, and base their decisions on that. I have had conversations with women where they have said, “Well, it worked in Jane’s case, why wouldn’t it work for me?” This is a dangerous thing that we sometimes get into - picking and choosing situations we want to work the same way for us and using this as “proof” that our relationships will turn out fine and everything will work out in the end. It is a false sense of security, and a flimsy foundation on which to base such an important decision. It is an unrealistic fantasy - which is nice, because such fantasies make us feel good, but it’s not healthy, b/c ultimately it’s not grounded in reality

 

[Michael_Saint]

Malia (a fellow Albertan)

Hey! Malia, where abouts you from? I live in Edmonton - are you in my neck of the woods? Are you a former JP2 Bible School student?

BTW, wholeheartedly agree with your reply to my post.

 

[Just_wondering]

I have seen marriages that are inter-faith work, though, and some where the husband or wife converted for the other.

Many times women who are in “mixed relationships” will specifically look at those situations where mixed marriages did work, and base their decisions on that.

Yeah, I agree with both of you, Michael Saint and Whatevergirl. Some marriages work, and other people follow their lead and make a huge mistake. It’s definitely something I need to consider as I’m preparing to get engaged to my boyfriend. Of course, in this case, I’m the non-Catholic and he’s the Catholic.

I think it’s really good for the father to be the one who is strong in his faith. The father is the head of the family (no matter what the feminists tell you) and the example they set for the children doesn’t go unnoticed.

My boyfriend didn’t know that I was posting on here. I didn’t want to tell him, because I didn’t want him to think that I was converting only to please him. I do think I will convert to Catholicism, but not for him. BECAUSE of him, yes, but not FOR him. Because of the example he sets in his life. Because of how generous and kind he is. Because of the genuine welcome I’ve felt from his Catholic friends and people here on this board. But not in order to marry him.

I just told him this weekend that I’ve been reading about Catholicism online. He was really surprised. It came up because he told me that he was tired and wasn’t going to Mass yesterday. I asked him why, since he’d mentioned earlier how he was looking forward to going to confession. He was really surprised that I remembered that and that I felt it was important for him to go to Mass. He was feeling really unhappy, and I told him he’d feel better if he went to Church. After I told him to go, he went and felt a lot better. I don’t want him to lose interest in his faith and fall down because of me.

I think he’s really touched that I’m looking into Catholicism. It’s going to be a long journey. I ask a lot of questions and I can be pretty stubborn, but I think this is a journey that I’m ultimately going to take. Even if it happens that I don’t marry my boyfriend I believe I will convert. It’ll take some time, but I think it’ll happen.

Do you think the woman is more likely to convert to her husband’s faith, or the man to his wife’s? Or are they about similar?

 

[LeahInancsi]

Jen, the problem is that part of being a great father is to be a great spiritual head of the household. In my experience, I do not know a single couple who raised kids in a mixed marriage whose children embraced the faith as adults.

I know of a couple where the father was not Catholic and the mother was and the children stayed in the faith. You can’t blame Baby Boomers and X Gens who left the Church on their parents’ mixed marriages. It’s not the right generalization. There are other much bigger factors that caused those generations to be lost.

 

[whatevergirl]

whatevergirl, I agree with you - some do work out rather well.

However, one word of caution: Many times women who are in “mixed relationships” will specifically look at those situations where mixed marriages did work, and base their decisions on that. I have had conversations with women where they have said, “Well, it worked in Jane’s case, why wouldn’t it work for me?” This is a dangerous thing that we sometimes get into - picking and choosing situations we want to work the same way for us and using this as “proof” that our relationships will turn out fine and everything will work out in the end. It is a false sense of security, and a flimsy foundation on which to base such an important decision. It is an unrealistic fantasy - which is nice, because such fantasies make us feel good, but it’s not healthy, b/c ultimately it’s not grounded in reality

Yes, agreed. I think what is important to note, is that if you really are into your faith, it might be a tough leap to not have someone join you on that same journey. Marriage is not a destination–it’s a journey. I think that if a person has a strong faith, then most likely, they will look for someone to share that with him/her. Now, that is not saying that love can you lead you to someone who might not be of the faith. Ultimately, it should be God’s urging that brings two people together. No matter what–if God brings two people together, He will see to it that the marriage works. It’s when we leave Him out, and pick our mates independently of what God might have to say about it, where we get tripped up.

I consulted God about my husband…and all of the ‘signs’ moved us closer together. Oddly, my husband and I have had some points of contention with our faith, and both of us are cradle Catholics. So, there are no guarantees that you will always have smooth sailing, even if you are of the same faith.

Pray about it always–and before marrying anyone, make sure God has this person in the cards for you.

 

[1ke]

Maybe there is something to be said about the father being active in the faith? I don’t know.

Yes, studies have documented that the children’s practice of faith in adulthood is highly correlated to their father’s practice of religion.

 

[LeahInancsi]

Yes, studies have documented that the children’s practice of faith in adulthood is highly correlated to their father’s practice of religion.

That’s very interesting when so few men attend church. Is that the cause for the fall in church attendance per capita?

My maternal great grandfather was the only father in my family to be religious. I had to go back to him to get my religion and he died in 1910.

 

[Michael_Saint]

Do you think the woman is more likely to convert to her husband’s faith, or the man to his wife’s? Or are they about similar?

Definitely more common for the woman to convert to the man’s faith, and not vice versa. Women who are trying to convert their men to their faith are really playing with fire, and there are very few success stories to speak of.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, studies have documented that the children’s practice of faith in adulthood is highly correlated to their father’s practice of religion.

Hi 1ke!

This has always been interesting to me as to the ‘why’ of this, because my mom never went to church with my dad and me when I was very little…she was ill a good portion of the time. I knew she had a strong faith, she prayed the Rosary a lot…but, she never attended church, and for the most part I learned about our faith through my dad. My husband had the opposite in his home…his dad never attended church, his mom did, etc…And most of his brothers and sisters have left the faith. He and his youngest brother are the only practicing Catholics from his family. I’m sure there are exceptions…but I think the majority follows this pattern.

 

[LeahInancsi]

Definitely more common for the woman to convert to the man’s faith, and not vice versa. Women who are trying to convert their men to their faith are really playing with fire, and there are very few success stories to speak of.

Anyone who tries to “change” anyone else is playing with fire whether it be religion or anything else. The non-Catholic party has to want to convert, a forced conversion is never successful.

I know many couples where the woman is a craddle Catholic and her husband converted when they got married, they are still happily married and he is a very active Catholic. Yesterday, in the Dallas Morning News, there was a love story of sorts in the section with the engagements and weddings where the woman was Catholic and her husband was not. When they were dating, her father asked her what religion he was and she said she didn’t know. When she asked and learned that he was not Catholic, she broke up with him. Several days later, he called her and asked her what he needed to do to convert. 40-50 years later, they are still very happily married and he and their children are Catholic!

Generalizations just don’t apply in these cases. It all depends on the people involved and everyone is different.