Intimacy Issue

[blessourhome]

Hello, all!

I recently got married and am kind of experiencing difficulty with regard to intimacy. Before my husband came back to the Church, he, like many other young people, slept around A LOT. I think that these women have tainted his idea of what sex is supposed to be like. Just the other night, he said that there is no love in sex. He feels like it’s mostly about lust. I felt my heart hit the floor. We have been fighting about my wanting to have more sex. He is the only man I have ever been with like that and I have waited my whole life to enjoy sex and I think I am entitled, especially with my husband! I don’t feel he persues me like he used to. I really miss that. Granted, he said that he loves being intimate with me but doesn’t see the need for it so often. It’s made me wonder if because of all these women, he is now “sexed out.” He feels like he is being used for the physical gratification and would much prefer to cuddle or kiss without it leading to something. While I know that many women out there are experiencing the opposite problem (and I am grateful and blessed to have a husband that loves to be romantic), I feel very frustrated. I want him to want me in all aspects. I feel like sex is becoming a chore for him. I look at myself in the mirror, at my physical appearance and wonder why he’s not all over me and I cry hysterically. I can walk around naked in front of him or wear sexy little undergarments and he won’t react. His job is physically demanding and he comes home tired everyday but when I’m tired and there is a possibility for sex, I get a sudden rush of energy for him. Why can’t he? Am I sounding too unfair? I don’t know what to do. We practice NFP and it’s going well but I feel like there are so many days in a month when we can have sex freely and we should take advantage of that, you know? Please, any comments, suggestions, etc.?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**He has a very warped view of what sex really is that has NOTHING to do with YOU. This isn’t about you, it is all about him.:console:

You both need to study together what sex and marriage are all about. Married sex is a renewal of marriage vows. It is ALL ABOUT LOVE. Unmarried sex is all about self-gratification and lust. It can be very hard to “switch gears” when entering into a marriage. You may need some couples counseling to help you along as this is a terrible way to start a marriage…you shouldn’t be crying your eyes out over such an integral part of your new life. I am so sad for you.

And I would like to suggest one other thing…please discern carefully about bringing a child into an unstable marriage.** There are big issues that need to be sorted out first.

 

[BamaRider]

I recently got married and am kind of experiencing difficulty with regard to intimacy. Before my husband came back to the Church, he, like many other young people, slept around A LOT

How old are y’all"

From what I read it is not that he doesn’t enjoy it when it happens, he just doesn’t want it often?

His past could indeed have something to do with this. If he lived a life of anything goes, it could affect y’all’s relationship.

I feel like sex is becoming a chore for him.

Ooooooooooooohhhhh.

He feels like he is being used for the physical gratification and

Yeah, I know how that is. LOL

like there are so many days in a month when we can have sex freely and we should take advantage of that, you know?

Indeed I do, and I don’t blame ya for being in a bad mood about this.

I think we need to look at the the situatin like a calendar. On sex chart your date is Jan 1, everything is new, and different. He’s probably in the month of August.

I’ve always been a basic kind of guy, I’d just come out and ask him what the deal is. At this stage of y’alls marriage this should not be a problem.

If the the problem is not emotional, just a lack of desire, you may have to deal with the fact his drive is less than yours, and yes that could be becasue of his past, and I don’t know enough to tell you how to fix that.

I have some other thoughts, having been around young men and all that they do, for many years. But best not get into it out here in public. Send a PM if you’d like to know more.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Hello, all!

Just the other night, he said that there is no love in sex. He feels like it’s mostly about lust.

If the the problem is not emotional, just a lack of desire, you may have to deal with the fact his drive is less than yours, and yes that could be becasue of his past, and I don’t know enough to tell you how to fix that.

Looks pretty emotional to me

 

[TLM08]

Hello, all!

I recently got married and am kind of experiencing difficulty with regard to intimacy. Before my husband came back to the Church, he, like many other young people, slept around A LOT. I think that these women have tainted his idea of what sex is supposed to be like. Just the other night, he said that there is no love in sex. He feels like it’s mostly about lust. I felt my heart hit the floor. We have been fighting about my wanting to have more sex. He is the only man I have ever been with like that and I have waited my whole life to enjoy sex and I think I am entitled, especially with my husband! I don’t feel he persues me like he used to. I really miss that. Granted, he said that he loves being intimate with me but doesn’t see the need for it so often. It’s made me wonder if because of all these women, he is now “sexed out.” He feels like he is being used for the physical gratification and would much prefer to cuddle or kiss without it leading to something. While I know that many women out there are experiencing the opposite problem (and I am grateful and blessed to have a husband that loves to be romantic), I feel very frustrated. I want him to want me in all aspects. I feel like sex is becoming a chore for him. I look at myself in the mirror, at my physical appearance and wonder why he’s not all over me and I cry hysterically. I can walk around naked in front of him or wear sexy little undergarments and he won’t react. His job is physically demanding and he comes home tired everyday but when I’m tired and there is a possibility for sex, I get a sudden rush of energy for him. Why can’t he? Am I sounding too unfair? I don’t know what to do. We practice NFP and it’s going well but I feel like there are so many days in a month when we can have sex freely and we should take advantage of that, you know? Please, any comments, suggestions, etc.?

He has a slightly distorted way of expressing what drives us men to arousal but in a crude way, he is right. In general men are turned on by what they see, where women are generally turned on by what they hear and feel. Being aroused by sight is not really the definition of “lust”. So on that point he is mistaken. Men and women are wired differently. Little boys play with toy guns and little girls play with baby dolls. Feminism has erased all memory of this undeniable fundamental fact of life over the last 40 years.

It would be a good idea to let him know that you are feeling abandoned ask him if he wants to talk about anything. Sometimes men get stuck in a porn habit and are scared to death to tell their wives for fear of hurting their feelings. I’m not saying that this is HIS story, but it could be. This would explain where his sexual energy is going.

Porn use by husbands rarely has anything to do with something the wife did or didn’t do. This dirty little habit starts almost always in early childhood as the result of some knucklehead leaving a dirty magazine where a child could find it. That’s all it takes for a boy to get hooked and it makes men feel terrible about themselves later on in life as they marry and raise a family. Us guys think that marriage will make the habit go away but it don’t.

If you have a good man, the best thing you can do is lovingly sit him down and ask him if he’s struggling with porn. Literally millions of men are stuck in this sin and it’s hard to break. It a very embarassing thing to have to confess so be gentle. He will need for you to be his best friend and helper if he is to get away from it. After a 35 year struggle with this stuff, I have been “clean” for three months now so I know what I am talking about. By the way, women read those trashy romance novels for the same reason. So it works both ways sometimes!

But then again, maybe he just has a chemical or hormonal imbalance. There could be a medical issue. Don’t assume it’s porn just because if this post… The man might be clean as a whistle!

A Great first step for both of you is to get to the nearest confessional and dump all of your sins. There is nothing like regular confession to start washing away this stuff.

 

[Geremia]

Please, any comments, suggestions, etc.?

Have both you and he gone to confession about this? The graces from that sacrament are very abundant, and Christ can heal any wounds.

 

[GFarmer]

I am friends with a lot of younger people, (guys & gals) and have heard many young guys who sleep around a lot say that once they sleep with a woman they don’t want to even look at her again. There is a known physiological condition(hormonal) that causes a man to regret and feel guilty or be depressed after having sex. (The name escapes me) .

This is going to take work, even counseling to get through.

Frequent sex is important in a marriage, not just in the first years but even after 25 years it has its benefits!

If he has a high stress job, it is important to have something that you can depend on to be stable in your life, like your family and your marriage. I tell my wife truthfully everyday after 25 years of marriage that she is the most important and stable part of my high stress life.

 

[agapewolf]

Maybe possibly, because of his tainted view and habits with sex being lustful, that he is trying to protect you from his lust.

I went to Christopher West’s TOB 1 and TOB 2 courses, and one of the other students there, (a 30 year old man) was sharing in a down time discussion outside of class how he had to abstain from sex in his marriage for awhile because he was sinning when they would have sex. He was lustful towards his wife and didn’t want to subject her to that.

He had to work through it, and heal the wounds to be able to love her rightly.

I highly recommend your husband and you go to at least the first week of these classes. I do not see the world in the same way. It can heal your marriage!

 

[TLM08]

Lust is the deliberate enjoyment of the sexual arousal that results when a man looks a woman that is not his wife. This is strictly a physical reaction that can happen anytime a man looks at pornography, women at the beach or even an attractive woman in grocery store check out line. Men do not need to be in love to want sex. A few minutes alone with a bad magazine or video is all that is need to satisfy the physical desires of man. As Catholic men, we are called by Christ to discipline ourselves and focus our natural desires and procreative abilities into the marriage bed.

The exact same physical forces of lust are at work inside us men during the love making within Sacramental marriage. So in the original poster’s comments regarding her husband I think he’s probably just confused. If he loves his wife, he’s NOT lusting as he enjoys her body in a loving and giving way. Remember, this physical attraction was one of God’s gifts to the marriage.

The natural (sinful) state of man is to look, become aroused and penetrate in order to propagate the species. Even good men must deliberately look elsewhere in order to avoid this sin. It is nearly impossible for the ungodly man to NOT lust at least a little bit when the opportunity presents itself.

ATTENTION LADIES: This is just one more reason why all women, especially attractive and young women should dress modestly at all times unless you are about to get into the marriage bed. It only takes a little cleavage, or a pair of snug jeans to set this off. Us men need your help if we are to remain pure in thought. Remember this post the next time YOU are in the grocery store check out line!

 

[TLM08]

I am friends with a lot of younger people, (guys & gals) and have heard many young guys who sleep around a lot say that once they sleep with a woman they don’t want to even look at her again. There is a known physiological condition(hormonal) that causes a man to regret and feel guilty or be depressed after having sex. (The name escapes me) .

Oh… he’ll “look” at her again if no other sexual opportunities present themselves. Don’t kid yourself.

More likely it is the natural (sinful) state of man to spread his seed to as many women as possible. The sexual nature of men is certainly not monogamous. Popular music sums it up nicely with all of it’s promiscuous lyrics. As Catholic men, we are called to overcome our sinful natures by becoming the husband of one wife or live a life of celibacy. Men who sleep around are not in accord with the commandments of Christ.

 

[thomfra]

How old are y’all"

From what I read it is not that he doesn’t enjoy it when it happens, he just doesn’t want it often?

His past could indeed have something to do with this. If he lived a life of anything goes, it could affect y’all’s relationship.

Ooooooooooooohhhhh.

Yeah, I know how that is. LOL

Indeed I do, and I don’t blame ya for being in a bad mood about this.

I think we need to look at the the situatin like a calendar. On sex chart your date is Jan 1, everything is new, and different. He’s probably in the month of August.

I’ve always been a basic kind of guy, I’d just come out and ask him what the deal is. At this stage of y’alls marriage this should not be a problem.

If the the problem is not emotional, just a lack of desire, you may have to deal with the fact his drive is less than yours, and yes that could be becasue of his past, and I don’t know enough to tell you how to fix that.

I have some other thoughts, having been around young men and all that they do, for many years. But best not get into it out here in public. Send a PM if you’d like to know more.

BamaRider i think you have been the only one here (so far) who has kept a level head on this thread.

I think we need to treat what he has said about lust and sex etc, as a seperate issue to your “sex lives” per se.

(The whole “lust versus desire thing” is really an excercise in semantics for many people, so there is really not much of a point discussing it or dwelling on it in this thread).

The point is, you want more sex, and he is not giving it to you. Plain and simple. So that’s what you should focus on.

I doubt very much that he is “sexed out”.

It’s possible you have different drives at the moment. This is a normal part of anybodys sex life (married or unmarried). You might find the shoe is on the other foot in a few years time.

One this if for sure, being tired doesn’t help ones sex life (see how much sex you want when you have young kids screaming at night, early mornings, stress etc etc), and compare this to how much more you want to “make love” when on holidays…

I’d just go with the flow for a while. I’m sure you will come to a happy medium. Just out of interest: What were your expectations as to how often you would be having sex when you first got married?

 

[blessourhome]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you for the great responses! I was pleasantly surprised to see how many were waiting for me.

To answer some questions, my husband is 23 and I am 21. We both have read Christopher West’s, “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and covered some sex-related stuff in our marital preparation course. He and I both know very well that sex is a renewal of vows. Of course, I tend to go back and reread parts of that book while he does not, so things are more fresh in my mind than his… or so I think.

I do think he is probably trying to protect me from lust, that’s a very good point. The fact that he saw sex as being separated from love hints me to that.

We are waiting to have children for at least a few years, so that may be a fear of his, getting me pregnant when I’m not ready. He has always said that he would love it if I got pregnant but I do not feel ready for it so maybe he is just trying to respect that?

On the plus side, I feel I should report that after a particularly stressful day, he came home last night to a candlelit dinner and a wife in a pretty dress waiting to make him feel better. I tried to keep things as stress-free as possible (I think the wine helped ) and needless to say, before we got to dessert, we got to “dessert.” It was an amazing moment and an amazing night. Maybe the lack of pressure led him to feel better about the actual act? Either way, I’m happy and I think I will definitely try to “go with the flow” more, keeping the pressure so low, there is no obligation.

 

[TLM08]

Hey, everyone!

Thank you for the great responses! I was pleasantly surprised to see how many were waiting for me.

To answer some questions, my husband is 23 and I am 21. We both have read Christopher West’s, “Good News About Sex and Marriage” and covered some sex-related stuff in our marital preparation course. He and I both know very well that sex is a renewal of vows. Of course, I tend to go back and reread parts of that book while he does not, so things are more fresh in my mind than his… or so I think.

I do think he is probably trying to protect me from lust, that’s a very good point. The fact that he saw sex as being separated from love hints me to that.

We are waiting to have children for at least a few years, so that may be a fear of his, getting me pregnant when I’m not ready. He has always said that he would love it if I got pregnant but I do not feel ready for it so maybe he is just trying to respect that?

On the plus side, I feel I should report that after a particularly stressful day, he came home last night to a candlelit dinner and a wife in a pretty dress waiting to make him feel better. I tried to keep things as stress-free as possible (I think the wine helped ) and needless to say, before we got to dessert, we got to “dessert.” It was an amazing moment and an amazing night. Maybe the lack of pressure led him to feel better about the actual act? Either way, I’m happy and I think I will definitely try to “go with the flow” more, keeping the pressure so low, there is no obligation.

You are amazingly mature and well directed for only being 21 years-old. God Bless you and your husband. I wish you many years of happiness together!

 

[blessourhome]

Thank you so much! God Bless You, too!

 

[agapewolf]

Lust is the deliberate enjoyment of the sexual arousal that results when a man looks a woman that is not his wife. This is strictly a physical reaction that can happen anytime a man looks at pornography, women at the beach or even an attractive woman in grocery store check out line. Men do not need to be in love to want sex. A few minutes alone with a bad magazine or video is all that is need to satisfy the physical desires of man. As Catholic men, we are called by Christ to discipline ourselves and focus our natural desires and procreative abilities into the marriage bed.

The exact same physical forces of lust are at work inside us men during the love making within Sacramental marriage. So in the original poster’s comments regarding her husband I think he’s probably just confused. If he loves his wife, he’s NOT lusting as he enjoys her body in a loving and giving way. Remember, this physical attraction was one of God’s gifts to the marriage.

The natural (sinful) state of man is to look, become aroused and penetrate in order to propagate the species. Even good men must deliberately look elsewhere in order to avoid this sin. It is nearly impossible for the ungodly man to NOT lust at least a little bit when the opportunity presents itself.

ATTENTION LADIES: This is just one more reason why all women, especially attractive and young women should dress modestly at all times unless you are about to get into the marriage bed. It only takes a little cleavage, or a pair of snug jeans to set this off. Us men need your help if we are to remain pure in thought. Remember this post the next time YOU are in the grocery store check out line!

It IS possible to lust after your own spouse. Just because one marries someone, does not just make the sinful act of lust turn good.

 

[thomfra]

It IS possible to lust after your own spouse. Just because one marries someone, does not just make the sinful act of lust turn good.

We have had this discussion. if you love and respect your spouse, and don’t objectify her, then lust/desire/whatever. It’s all good.

 

[agapewolf]

We have had this discussion. if you love and respect your spouse, and don’t objectify her, then lust/desire/whatever. It’s all good.

Lust is NOT the same as desire. Lust is sin. It IS possible to lust after your own wife (JPII among others).

Holy desire and attraction are completely different than lust and objectification.
It is NOT all good. It is a sad thing that folks today do not know the difference between lust and desire and attraction.

Lust is the twisting of what is good to be what is bad.

 

[blessourhome]

This is an interesting topic. What would be an example of lust and of attraction within a marriage, just so we know the difference?

 

[kage_ar]

Book suggestions for you.

“Holy Sex” by Greg Popcak

“The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly

“Good News about Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West

 

[mizznicole]

Lust is NOT the same as desire. Lust is sin. It IS possible to lust after your own wife (JPII among others).

Holy desire and attraction are completely different than lust and objectification.
It is NOT all good. It is a sad thing that folks today do not know the difference between lust and desire and attraction.

Lust is the twisting of what is good to be what is bad.

From what I recall, the Pope (Wojtyla) says that it’s the use of ABC that turns the marital act into a lustful act; keeping the act free from artificial barriers and “open to life” keeps it loving…I think this is from Love & Responsibility.