Intimacy Issue

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C’mon maaaaaaan you gotta countdown timer on your sig line the last time you had sex???
 
BamaRider said:
C’mon maaaaaaan you gotta countdown timer on your sig line the last time you had sex???
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**
Bama…it’s a really sensitive situation and very sad. He is in a tough spot and could use our prayers…check out his thread on the issue.**
 
mrpathetic said:
Try initiating more often. Make time for it. Schedule it into your calendar, if necessary. There is no rule that he has to be the initiator.

And here is the obvious point: you won’t have a baby, unless you start having sex more often, so if you are serious about having a child, then you need to be the initiator.

You need to take charge of your own sex life. Feel lucky that you have a willing partner, albeit a tired and frustrating one. Men generally are not very sexually complicated. If your husband is responsive, and you initiate sex, he will respond.

Whatever you do, do not let weeks go by without having sex. Weeks will turn into months, and then months will turn into years. Then you will end up with my situation - no sex for 15 years. Which is a train wreck.
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We have been blessed with two children. Our youngest is 6 months. My husband feels very strongly that he thinks our family is complete. I agree with my husband that I would prefer NOT to have another pregnancy and baby at this time. Perhaps in the future we may feel compelled by God to add to our family. I was just saying that if a pregnancy were to occur that we would certainly be open to God’s gift of life, but I think we have legitimate reasons to want to space out another birth for a while.

I think perhaps fear of pregnancy is keeping him from initiating…

You are right. I probably should initiate more. Perhaps if I initiate more, than he would also start initiating more instead of assuming that if he initiated I wouldn’t be interested. I AM turned on when he initiates - it is sometimes hard to feel sexy when spending your days with a beastfeeding baby and toddler 😊

I think my husband is frustrated by my lack of sex drive. I keep telling him it isn’t his fault. I do find him attractive, but I know he finds it discouraging…

I just wish he would hold me and cuddle more (as well as more sexual intimacy)
 
For most women, intimacy begins in our minds…then our bodies follow. If we have a lot on our minds, and our husbands are not getting to our ‘zone’ (which is our mind) and just keeping it all physical…it might not spike our sex drives. I imagine that men are the same, to varying degrees. But, once you learn your spouse’s love language…then, the sex drives sort of take care of themselves. My dh has always been in the mood, while if I have some things on my mind, I just can’t get into it. But, he eventually learned to seduce my mind, and not my body, and we fell into sync.

It can take some practice and patience to get to know what works for the other. Men are more visual but women typically are more about appealing to our emotions, intellect, romantic side…

We are really not that complicated. 😉
 
blessourhome said:
Before we got married, my husband and I did talk about fantasies we would like to fulfill together. I was actually thinking about one of them yesterday… weird that you brought this up. 😛 However, the nature of those fantasies may be too far from reality. It doesn’t feel like there would be a good time to try them anytime soon. 😦
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Maybe the two of you could make the time to try some of it, or at least talk about it once more.

God bless you
TL
 
BamaRider said:
C’mon maaaaaaan you gotta countdown timer on your sig line the last time you had sex???
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Exactly. I have tried to make the date as accurate as possible. I have set it to the fall of 1993. If I knew then, that this was the last time that me and my wife would have sex, I would have marked my calendars. Then I would have a more exact reading.

I don’t want to hijack this thread. If you want the complete story, read my post stating “I am miserable and pathetic” in this forum, Bamarider. I face essentially the same problem as the creator of this thread - except I am of a different gender, and I have let my problems fester for nearly 2 decades. I don’t want blessourhome to endure the years of suffering that I have.
 
We have an obligation to meet our spouse’s needs. Whether some feels like it is not the most important issue. When a child needs to be fed or changed, we do not respond that we do not feel like preparing food or changing a diaper. Similary, the response to our spouses needs should not be based upon whether we feel like it.

I agree with the other poster that if your husband is not initiating you should get a minimum of three times per week. Frankly, with NFP it should be almost daily on non-fertile periods.

I also have a hard time buying that he is not that interested. By using his sexual energies frequently on his wife, it does cut down on energies of the roving eye.

Unfortunately you may need to be more of an initiator than the pursued. This may require you to be the active person in coitus even if you prefer to be more passive.
 
smith500 said:
We have an obligation to meet our spouse’s needs. Whether some feels like it is not the most important issue. When a child needs to be fed or changed, we do not respond that we do not feel like preparing food or changing a diaper. Similary, the response to our spouses needs should not be based upon whether we feel like it.

I agree with the other poster that if your husband is not initiating you should get a minimum of three times per week. Frankly, with NFP it should be almost daily on non-fertile periods.
I also have a hard time buying that he is not that interested. By using his sexual energies frequently on his wife, it does cut down on energies of the roving eye.

Unfortunately you may need to be more of an initiator than the pursued. This may require you to be the active person in coitus even if you prefer to be more passive.
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Smith is so awesome.
 
Do you both attend Sunday Mass EVERY Sunday? Do you both go to confession frequently (JPII defined frequent confession as once a month,) do you both pray daily, even praying together? Remember you arent going to heal your husband of his past sins only God can do that and God has to be first in your life. He has to be more important than your husband or sex or even your own life. I think you should watch The Passion and think about what Christ went though for you, out of love for you physcially for you.

In the poem The Hound of Heaven the poet writes Jesus as saying the following line.
All which I took from thee, I did but take, Not for thy harms, But just that thou might’st seek it in My arms

,theotherpages.org/poems/thomps01.html
 
smith500, while I agree with you completely, I wish it were that simple.

vee8, no, we have been letting our spiritual lives slide. I think about it daily and have been thinking of ways I could start to improve. Mass, prayer and Confession are essential in healing, I know. I think I may have to start off slowly again, praying something regarding my situation everyday.

Right now, I’m at a point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore; it feels like it’s too difficult. Is it supposed to be this way? Whenever I say this to myself, though, and my husband happens to initiate, I immediately give in because 1) I really want to and 2) I don’t know when it will happen again and want to enjoy it while I can. I don’t know if this is right or wrong. FrenchGwen mentioned that by making herself unavailable and not jumping on every opportunity, her husband’s drive was awakened and he initiated more. This is what I’ve been doing the last week. In this time, though, I only had the chance to “pull back” once. Even then, I knew he didn’t want sex. I’m trying to keep myself out of the mood.
 
smith500 said:
We have an obligation to meet our spouse’s needs. Whether some feels like it is not the most important issue. When a child needs to be fed or changed, we do not respond that we do not feel like preparing food or changing a diaper. Similary, the response to our spouses needs should not be based upon whether we feel like it.

I agree with the other poster that if your husband is not initiating you should get a minimum of three times per week. Frankly, with NFP it should be almost daily on non-fertile periods.

I also have a hard time buying that he is not that interested. By using his sexual energies frequently on his wife, it does cut down on energies of the roving eye.

Unfortunately you may need to be more of an initiator than the pursued. This may require you to be the active person in coitus even if you prefer to be more passive.
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For my edification:

If the couple can no longer have children, how frequently should that be? My wife has been infertile, since her hysterectomy, several years ago. No, we have not had sex since then, or for the 7 years leading up to that point.

So if a couple that cannot have children should have sex every day, and if it has been 7 years (give or take a month or two) since the operation, then my wife and I should have had sex over 2,000 times! If only! 🙂 Instead, the grand total is…welll… drumroll, please… zero! :mad:

Now you know the reason for my countdown - errr, count-up - banner, below my posts. OK, so I am being somewhat fecicious today.

Bottom line, blessourhome - don’t end up like me, please. Don’t end up old, frustrated, disillusioned, and miserable. Enjoy your sex life with your lawfully-wedded spouse, regularly, while you still can.
 
hi blessourhome !
I just wanted to say a quick hello since my PM, and tell you we’re still in the same boat. We’ve been talking about it a lot, and it still does hurt and makes me angry a lot, but, well, at least it’s out. I am sooo looking forward towards our moving in our real flat (we’re sharing the one-room appartment I lived in before our wedding, and it’s so small it makes everything even more difficult).
I understand your feeling that, well, maybe it would be easier to go back to a pre-wedding sort of relationship, I’ve had this temptation just today… but well, of course it’s no solution !
So I’m, too, trying to improve my spiritual life, even just saying Ave Marias in a row when too angry…
You’re in my (weak) prayers
 
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