Invited to same-sex wedding, wwyd?

[lifeisbeautiful]

The way people are picking this hill to die on, you’d think that your choice is going to end homosexual marriage if you don’t send a gift! My goodness.

What if the wedding would have been local and she had no other easy excuse out of it? Would you encourage her to go to the “wedding” to not offend the hostess since her choice to not go will not end homosexual marriage either? Why pick this hill to die on? Heck, even declining the offer to be the maid of honor or declining to pay for a gay daughter’s “marriage” won’t end homosexual marriage, why not encourage these actions as well, to not offend? (as long as the homosexual person is nice, and not a breeder hater). I definitely don’t agree with the logic in this argument.

Don’t get me wrong, I do sympathize… In the past I have had to choose between pleasing people that I am fond of and owe gratitude to, and compromising my Faith. It is hard to disappoint someone because they expect something that goes against my Faith (and may not understand why).

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks, guys. I don’t know where any of you live that one can simply “talk to a priest” - all non emergencies here are handled by a deacon and you have to wait three or four weeks for a meeting! But I am jealous!

LOL. The “just talk to a priest” advice is not always realistic, now is it?

Secondly, I’m just going to send a gift and be done with it. While this woman is not a “close friend” - she is very kind and good to us. She has always been supportive of our family and is an asset in my husband’s workplace. It’s (name removed by moderator)ortant that he and she maintain a good relationship and honestly, I’m not okay with laying things on the line with one of his coworkers unless I absolutely have to. … As I am due with a baby in August, I know this woman will once again be on my doorstep with a gift and a meal and I want to be able to look her in the eyes

This is an understandable line of thinking.

The thing is, this is happening anyway. The same-sex “marriage” will take place. I don’t agree, and I am disappointed, but I am not so arrogant as to think my vase or photo frame will change anything OR that it will give them the impression that we love their plan.

I am only responding to this because I saw a few comments in the thread about “it not changing anything.” I’m not arguing with your decision, but I wanted to address that concept. In my opinion, standing firm and deciding not to attend or not to send a gift, or even to tell the truth… it is not done with the expectation that the person committing the sin will suddenly change their mind. Of course, that would be the ideal scenario, but realistically, I expect that in the vast majority of cases, the person I have to say “no” to is going to go ahead with their plans regardless of what I do. So the other very important reason for saying “no”/being truthful about one’s reservations, is about giving scandal. Perhaps there are other people aware of my actions, wondering what it means to be Catholic. Perhaps people are wondering if Catholics really are supposed to agree with all of those things that the bishops talk about. Perhaps even the person in question is wondering that. Being forthright about my beliefs, and trying to be as consistent as I can allows me to give that witness to whoever it is that is watching (even peripherally) that yes, Catholics really do follow what the bishops say, and yes I really do believe in my heart that this is not a good situation. This may not cause an immediate positive change in anyone, but it might plant a seed. It might be one event that makes someone take notice. It might make someone just a little curious, or might be one little nudge that builds up to enough nudges to have an affect on a person years down the road. Maybe I am the one who needs the nudge, or maybe I am the one who needs the opportunity to stand up for the thing that is right even though the world doesn’t understand - it could be that my own soul needs that.

The other matter is that even if my support is minimal, and even if my support is not the thing that makes an action possible, it is still support. To look at a more obviously wrong and dangerous situation - if I knew a man was going to shoot a bank teller and rob a bank, and if I knew that he was going to do it with me or without me (because someone else got him the gun), I wouldn’t want to give him a ziploc bag to put the money in. Even though he would certainly find a different way to store his money, and even though my contribution was so meager that it wouldn’t have an affect either way on his actions, I wouldn’t want to know that something I did was supporting his sinful action.

Of course, the OP’s situation is more complex than that. But my point is just to distinguish that we don’t need to have an expectation that things will change for us to stand up for what is right - our motivation might be to plant a seed of faith that will grow someday in the future, or to be a witness to a distant bystander, or simply to stand up for right even if no other good comes of it.

Anyhoo, I am not trying to argue that you need to change your mind - the complications of it being an employment situation make things trickier and I understand why you are making your choice. I hope that you and your husband can continue to be a good Christian witness to this friend/boss in other ways.

 

[acacia12]

My friend who is gay got “married” a few months back. She didn’t invite me to the wedding. I didn’t send a card or gift. We are still friends all these years on. She didn’t expect anything from me because she knows and respects my beliefs. But what I did tell her is that I’m happy that she is happy

 

[Pax2u]

My friend who is gay got “married” a few months back. She didn’t invite me to the wedding. I didn’t send a card or gift. We are still friends all these years on. She didn’t expect anything from me because she knows and respects my beliefs. But what I did tell her is that I’m happy that she is happy

This seems to be the key. If the person is truly your friend, they understand that you shouldn’t attend or be sending a gift, and would only be sending the invitation because they thought it was the polite thing to do. If it were me I would not be acknowledging the “marriage” at all.

I have gay friends and relatives…care very much for the friends, and love the relatives. Would not go to or gift a “marriage” for any of them. Friendship and family is a two-way street. My beliefs and opinions must be respected, too. If my lack of physical presence or present is taken as a slap in the face, then there wasn’t much of a relationship in the first place.

 

[SaintFrancis333]

Agreed. Sending a nice, simple gift and moving on would be the best course of action. Things will never be the same if they don’t. And honestly, who could blame her? If I’d bent over backwards in a friendship like that only to have my wedding go unacknowledged I would probably think differently of them too.

But if they for whatever reason just can’t do that an upfront, honest conversation is the best fallback plan.

It’s not a wedding though. That is the issue being raised. If I hold an apple in my hand and call it an orange, it does not make it an orange.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s not a wedding though. That is the issue being raised. If I hold an apple in my hand and call it an orange, it does not make it an orange.

And that’s fine, but it is your problem. The OP is talking about a good friend and her husband’s longtime coworker. Handling this in the wrong manner could have serious consequences in their personal life as well as in his career. So like TRJ said, if that’s the hill you want to die on…

 

[Havard]

I loved Lucille Ball, but Michael Richards is a terrible racist.

Still? Mr. Richards apologized numerous times for the spectacle at the comedy club. Aren’t we supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt?

 

[Odonata]

My husband has worked for 13 years with a dear woman who happens to be a lesbian. She has had the same partner for the entire 13 years and they are now “marrying.”

We are, for multiple reasons, one of which is our faith, not attending.

However, this woman has always been a good friend to my husband. She sent lovely gifts when all four of our kids were born, brought us dinner while I recovered from childbirth, always remembers my husband’s birthday at work, attended my husband’s dad’s funeral and sent a beautiful flower arrangement, and is overall someone we like on a personal level very much. She was the first one to make me feel comfortable at office parties and is just overall a sweet person with a very thoughtful heart.

I know etiquette says that a wedding invitation means we send a gift, whether or not we attend. This is the rule I follow, but I am having a hard time determining what our faith leads us to do. Not sending a gift would be rude and probably hurt her feelings, but does sending one say we approve of the “marriage?” What can I say in the card? I was thinking something like “Wishing you both the very best” or “Sending our love.” Obviously she and my husband do not discuss his views on same-sex marriage. She knows we are Catholics, but that’s it. The wedding is actually out of state so, she probably thinks that’s why we can’t attend.

Help!

concider your friendship and support her and her partner for this reason rather than not support them for religious ones.
when i got married 2 very good friends were lost , one because he did not believe in marriage and the other (pete) because we are pagan and he wouldn’t be part of it. he was rude and hurtful and he stepped away dispite our understanding over the years the other way.
we share a common friend (michael)and at their wedding my husband was best man who at the end of his speech asked Pete to prey for Michael and his new wife as he knew it would mean a lot to them and didn’t want to be disrespectful in leading the prayer. these friends are Anglican
i gave a bible reading at my brothers wedding , both suffering serious stage fright and of cause not sharing their religion( mu family is catholic, as is his wife) it ment a lot to them and they mean a lot to me
these people were also part of our wedding, a hand fasting, performed by a celebrate who is a practising pagan, a druid. my husbands family are Anglican my family Irish catholic, some very strict Catholics, including the best man , my husbands brother and his wife’s family. they took from it what spoke to them , and many who didn’t expect to really enjoyed it .
we did our best to not flaunt our beliefs at people and force them to be exposed to it dispite the numerous church rituals we have often happily participated in. we participate in Christmas and easter with our families, even tho they do not take part in our rituals/festivals (we have 4 major ones) as a polytheist i have no trouble accepting Christianity or other faiths they don’t really effect me , i respect this is not as easy a transition for monotheists

you don’t have to go or agree whit her being a lesbian but obviously you have over the 13 years of friendship come to an acceptance of this and i think you should support her happiness and respect they do not believe as you do . she will understand your choice to not attend but i hope you still send a card so they know you support their commitment to each others lives. the love and friendship they have, the companionship,

 

[haedron]

Momma always told me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. The very thought of writing some sort of holier-than-thou letter to this poor woman makes me cringe.

The right choice is to skip the wedding and send a an appropriate gift. You come off graceful and tactful, not to mention preserving what sounds like a good friendship.

LOL at the nuclear option: Ruin a friendship, hurt this woman, and cast a pallor over the ceremony that will go on anyway. Charitable and very Christian. /sarcasm.

 

[Bookcat]

One does not ruin a friendship (*and this is not really a friendship but co-worker) per se by not attending a “gay marriage” and by also not sending a gift. One is to avoid such ways of giving approval.

One avoids any approval of such but at the same time need not “ruin” a friendship. One can even perhaps send a “personal gift for retirement” at some point to the person.

Truth, love, gentleness, friendship, honesty.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=10712502&postcount=40

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Still? Mr. Richards apologized numerous times for the spectacle at the comedy club. Aren’t we supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt?

Um, no. What’s inside a person comes out, he made the spectacle by responding the way he did. Too bad for him. I always thought he was hilarious on Seinfeld, but it does change things to hear that filth from him.

Sorry to derail the thread.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Do you think they would acknowledge that a marriage took place, even if they are (disgustingly) racist towards your husband, and so the present was for you, for/because of your wedding day?
I think this is apples and oranges. This woman is not getting married, it is a mockery of marriage (although I don’t think she is doing it on purpose and she sounds like a lovely person). These were family members of yours sending you presents for your valid wedding day although they were wrongfully thinking they were better than your husband (how very sad). From what the OP just said, this is a lady that is not a close friend (but has been very kind to them and is a coworker) and is not really getting married, but having a ceremony that can fall under sacrilegious. There is nothing to celebrate! In your case there was something to celebrate, but they thought you were celebrating it with the wrong person for ridiculous reasons!

Ahhhh, Gotcha. I’m sure they ackowledege that it is a real marriage. No one has told me different, but I haven’t spoken to these particular few since I was married.

 

[tolstoy]

It seems very clear from the Gospels that Jesus would go to the wedding, have a wonderful time, and shine the light of God for all to see. The only people he seems to have shunned were religious types who arrogantly spoke for God about these kind of questions. “The greatest of these is love.”

 

[nodito]

It seems very clear from the Gospels that Jesus would go to the wedding, have a wonderful time, and shine the light of God for all to see. The only people he seems to have shunned were religious types who arrogantly spoke for God about these kind of questions. “The greatest of these is love.”

What Gospels are you reading? Jesus didn’t shun sinners, but he also didn’t celebrate their sinful lifestyles. He told them, “Go and sin no more.” And if that wouldn’t put a damper on a fake wedding ceremony, I don’t know what would.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It seems very clear from the Gospels that Jesus would go to the wedding, have a wonderful time, and shine the light of God for all to see. The only people he seems to have shunned were religious types who arrogantly spoke for God about these kind of questions. “The greatest of these is love.”

No, I’m pretty sure that Jesus wouldn’t have gone to a homosexual mock wedding. :nope: The law was still in effect at that time and homosexuality was a grievous offense against God.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

It seems very clear from the Gospels that Jesus would go to the wedding, have a wonderful time, and shine the light of God for all to see. The only people he seems to have shunned were religious types who arrogantly spoke for God about these kind of questions. “The greatest of these is love.”

What Gospels are you reading? Jesus didn’t shun sinners, but he also didn’t celebrate their sinful lifestyles. He told them, “Go and sin no more.” And if that wouldn’t put a damper on a fake wedding ceremony, I don’t know what would.

Lol, I was thinking that… OP I would not advise in this situation to go to the wedding and then stand up in front of them and say ‘Go and sin no more’… Also, although they are doing something that is a mockery of the wedding, they are trying to misuse marriage, I don’t think going in and overturning tables a la Matthew 21:12-13 (when people were misusing the temple, making a mockery of it by using it for other reasons), would be a good idea either. Jesus didn’t go from table to table having a wonderful time with these people that were misusing the temple, celebrating their actions “…He overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves” Matthew 21:12
I don’t think that would fly here either…

 

[dayse2]

While it is the easiest way out, to send a card and gift and be over with it, I don’t really think it is the correct way to go (and we are definitely called to do what is right, which very often is not the easy way out). Here is something from an apologist herethat talks about this same topic (of sending the card etc)

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=277662

Somewhere else Father Serpa said in relation to gay marriage:
One of the greatest fallacies in our current culture is the upholding of political correctness which emphasizes concern for people’s feelings over the concern for truth.

Of course we have to be loving and caring for others, but it doesn’t mean we have to celebrate things that are not good, celebrate something that goes against our Faith, simply because we don’t want to step on any toes. Why not go out of your way to show your thankfulness for her friendship before this came up or after?

Also, the Church doesn’t say to only stand by the Truth if we know it will change someone’s mind… it doesn’t matter if your approval/lack of approval doesn’t seem like it would make a difference in the situation. It does matter whether Catholics stick for the Truth, and that is part of what is wrong nowadays and why society is going the way it is, our apathy/lukewarmness!

I’m with 3Doctors on the gay friendship part as well… I was good friends with a gay classmate, and have been closer than other family members to gay family members… I would never do anything to suggest the lifestyle is ok, but it is possible to show you care about someone without approving of all aspects of their life! Lol, I’m a sinner as well, and I don’t expect any of my friends to condone any of my sins!

I did stop hanging out with one girl that seemed to push her homosexuality in everyone’s face (she was a friend of a friend), but my classmate from college would check on me when I was sick, and I would help him with classwork, etc etc and he was just a great guy. I didn’t have to stop being friends with him simply because of his choices outside our interaction (and he knew I was a practicing Catholic, so I think he did not bring up his choices). I would have had more space between us if he did start bringing his lifestyle into our friendship; if I felt it was an unhealthy friendship (like the girl, who was constantly pushing the topic). I lost contact with him, and truth be told we did not hang out much outside of what we had in common (school), but we got along well, cared about each other, and spent a lot of time together for school related reasons. I don’t agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that did not mean I had to tell my friend I couldn’t spend time with him, he never did anything wrong to me.

Our family… we have little details with them, and them with us. It doesn’t mean we support homosexuality, and we will never do so, but I do think it is good to be caring and thankful and loving to people. They know we are practicing Catholics and so that may be why we have not been in too many uncomfortable situations with them, but we have always chosen to stick with what we believe over being PC…

I completely agree with lifeisbeautiful! Also Blue Eyed Lady had some great ideas. After reading through this forum, here is what I think the best (not the easiest) solution is for you:

1. PRAY! God will give you the answer. If you are not clear about His answer, talk to a trusted priest and pray with him.
2. I really think the best solution is for you or your husband to privately talk to her and tell her that you do value her friendship, but you cannot go against God by attending her wedding. Tell her that you hope that she understands and that you very much value her friendship and hope that you can continue being good friends. I suggest praying that the Holy Spirit give you the words to explain this to her in a loving manner. I know this is not easy and may make you feel horrible, but this is truly the right thing to do, being upfront with her. Like Blue Eyed Lady said, if she is a good friend, and knows what it means to be a Catholic, she should understand.
3. Pray for her and her partner that God will open their eyes to the truth.

I will say a prayer for you and your husband. I pray that you will be guided to the truth.

Sarah

 

[Aggie414]

Sending a gift is showing approval of the event --so it is not a viable choice.

Then I believe the OP should never have accepted gifts from this co-worker and her partner over the 13 years that she has been a co-worker of the OP’s husband. If I remember correctly from the OP, the co-worker has had the same partner for that entire time. While the co-worker’s partner may not have actively brought over the gifts, meals, et cetera; it’s reasonable to assume that the gifts/meals were bought with family funds.

The OP cannot now start making a distinction in the friendship. I fully support them not attending the “wedding” (I didn’t attend my niece’s “wedding” and have been cut off because of that decision) and I don’t necessarily think a gift is mandatory – I mean, they’ve been together for at least 13 years. They probably have everything they need. But a nice card addressed to the friend is certainly not out of line along with a charity donation (as Deborah123 mentioned) or as another poster suggested baking goods because the co-worker loves to bake is certainly not shouting “I totally agree with your decision to marry your girlfriend.”

 

[angelic06]

No, I’m pretty sure that Jesus wouldn’t have gone to a homosexual mock wedding. :nope: The law was still in effect at that time and homosexuality*** was a grievous offense against God***.

And according to the Church, homosexual acts still remain an offense against the Lord.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**Then I believe the OP should never have accepted gifts from this co-worker and her partner over the 13 years that she has been a co-worker of the OP’s husband. If I remember correctly from the OP, the co-worker has had the same partner for that entire time. While the co-worker’s partner may not have actively brought over the gifts, meals, et cetera; it’s reasonable to assume that the gifts/meals were bought with family funds.
**
The OP cannot now start making a distinction in the friendship. I fully support them not attending the “wedding” (I didn’t attend my niece’s “wedding” and have been cut off because of that decision) and I don’t necessarily think a gift is mandatory – I mean, they’ve been together for at least 13 years. They probably have everything they need. But a nice card addressed to the friend is certainly not out of line along with a charity donation (as Deborah123 mentioned) or as another poster suggested baking goods because the co-worker loves to bake is certainly not shouting “I totally agree with your decision to marry your girlfriend.”

This is a very good point. The OP and her husband have accepted this woman’s gifts, company, and hospitality. That is why I think there is no way to backtrack without losing the woman’s good will. The OP and her husband will not attend the wedding, and even if it had been held locally, could still have declined attendance. But the gift is a social convention. I know I’m in the minority, but I think the relationship counts for something.