Is a lack of dating experience by 25 a turn off to women?

[WildCatholic]

Is it? I’m 25 and while i’ve had a few dates here and their, i haven’t really had a relationship with anyone. Now I know people will be sympathetic on here, but be honest, would it be a turnoff to find a 25 year old man who’d never had some sort of relationship before? I mean i had such bad self esteem issues throughout high school that I couldn’t even ask girls to dances because I thought I was a “fat ugly weird loser” and in college I focused on school but was still afraid to ask women out.

Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. Sadly on this site I hear about guys who don’t have experience at a certain point (especially over 30) and are considered creepy, weird, odd,etc. It makes me wonder if i’m heading down that path and the path to single hood since every year less and less women are available, and at this point I won’t date someone with kids, I’m not big on dating non-catholics (only because I grew up in a house where my mother converted just to marry my dad and really didn’t do it for any other reason, though there may be exceptions) and I also won’t date lukewarm Catholics (and by lukewarm I mean don’t go to mass at least every week and disagree with church teachings).

 

[ClearWater]

Is it? I’m 25 and while i’ve had a few dates here and their, i haven’t really had a relationship with anyone. Now I know people will be sympathetic on here, but be honest, would it be a turnoff to find a 25 year old man who’d never had some sort of relationship before? I mean i had such bad self esteem issues throughout high school that I couldn’t even ask girls to dances because I thought I was a “fat ugly weird loser” and in college I focused on school but was still afraid to ask women out.

Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. Sadly on this site I hear about guys who don’t have experience at a certain point (especially over 30) and are considered creepy, weird, odd,etc. It makes me wonder if i’m heading down that path and the path to single hood since every year less and less women are available, and at this point I won’t date someone with kids, I’m not big on dating non-catholics (only because I grew up in a house where my mother converted just to marry my dad and really didn’t do it for any other reason, though there may be exceptions) and I also won’t date lukewarm Catholics (and by lukewarm I mean don’t go to mass at least every week and disagree with church teachings).

They say, statistically speaking, that women do tend to be attracted more to confident men, for whatever reason.

However, if I were closer to that age, I would consider dating someone who hadn’t dated previously. In fact, when I was around that age, I did!

 

[jaimeleglise]

A good woman won’t find that a problem. Just be your confident, interesting, well-read self.
You might want to try Catholic Match, where I found my devout husband.

People put off dating for many reasons. God bless you.

 

[PseuTonym]

I’m not big on dating non-catholics (only because I grew up in a house where my mother converted just to marry my dad and really didn’t do it for any other reason

In other words, you are a Catholic for the same reason that Donald Trump is an American: birthright. In contrast, Ayn Rand wasn`t a real American and President Obama is allegedly not a real American.

Returning to your focus on probability (fewer and fewer or as you put it ``less and less women are available), arent you setting up a situation that makes it very likely that you wont marry a woman who – when you met her – had already converted from another Christian denomination to Catholicism? Isn`t it true that the majority of Catholic women were raised as Catholics?

Is there any dating website specifically for Catholic women who converted? If you find such a website and start there, then you can read profiles of hundreds of women and get into dialogue with any who are interested in replying to you. Suddenly you would no longer be letting the computer pick your lottery number for you. If you win and marry a wonderful Catholic woman who you otherwise wouldnt have met, then it wont be because you happened to be in the right physical place to pick up the right scratch and win ticket. You will have made a decision to make your own decision.

I cannot guess who is or isnt likely to go to mass at least once a week. However, I will say that -- in my opinion -- a woman who converted from another denomination of Christianity to Catholicism isnt likely to be lukewarm when it comes to the heart of things.

 

[runningdude]

Your lack of dating is principled; that won’t be a turn off. Develop a career, so that when you do begin dating, you will be prepared to start a family immediately if necessary, and you will do fine.

Dating when you are younger is ill advised; continually fighting the urge to have sex gets old really quick; especially when having a steady career and getting married are years away. Be careful about judging “lukewarm” Catholics; they may have been active and devout in their youth, and be willing to get more active again.

 

[WildCatholic]

In other words, you are a Catholic for the same reason that Donald Trump is an American: birthright. In contrast, Ayn Rand wasn`t a real American and President Obama is allegedly not a real American.

Returning to your focus on probability (fewer and fewer or as you put it ``less and less women are available), arent you setting up a situation that makes it very likely that you wont marry a woman who – when you met her – had already converted from another Christian denomination to Catholicism? Isn`t it true that the majority of Catholic women were raised as Catholics?

Is there any dating website specifically for Catholic women who converted? If you find such a website and start there, then you can read profiles of hundreds of women and get into dialogue with any who are interested in replying to you. Suddenly you would no longer be letting the computer pick your lottery number for you. If you win and marry a wonderful Catholic woman who you otherwise wouldnt have met, then it wont be because you happened to be in the right physical place to pick up the right scratch and win ticket. You will have made a decision to make your own decision.

I cannot guess who is or isnt likely to go to mass at least once a week. However, I will say that -- in my opinion -- a woman who converted from another denomination of Christianity to Catholicism isnt likely to be lukewarm when it comes to the heart of things.

Woah! sorry but I think you are mistaken. I meant that i wouldn’t date someone who was a protestant. Look I know many converts who are wonderful and I would date them. What I mean is say I was dating someone who was a baptist. What if they just converted just so we could be one faith but really didn’t care about anything else. That is what my mom did. Honestly my dad could have cared less since he was in a sense a nominal Catholic, but my mom felt that they should share a faith, even if she didn’t really believe everything in it. I’m not slamming converts who are orthodox and truly convert to the One true church. Rather i’m against those that become Catholic for reasons that don’t have to do with faith.

Also just to clarify, I don’t know if i’d be comfortable dating someone who wasn’t Catholic. Besides my previous issue, I think having a mutli-faith marriage can be dangerous especially to the kids and don’t think just because you agree to raise children catholic means it is going to happen. While I’m sure some families make it work, I think it could lead to a lot of issues (like kids saying that my church is boring while mommy’s church is more exciting or friendly or lets kids watch veggie tales while the adults are in the service or who knows what).

 

[pacomius]

you clearly do not have any problems… except your mind. you have had a few dates before means you are not a monster. you mind is only building obstacles for you. truthfully, ladies will NOT find you less attractive for your lack of dating experience. … however they will find you less attractive for your lack of socialising experience. How well you socialize is based on your own self-developed communication skills. reach out to others freely and you will quickly see what a bomb you are, that was only waiting to be detonated in order to explode. then you will see how many different good friends you can handle.

well… fine… I hereby officially detonate you !!!

 

[Isca]

There are a lot of men around who think they are “too fat or ugly” to be interesting to women. Truth is, most people are ordinary-looking and are not beautiful people!

You can always make the most of yourself, and it’s your personality which will shine through in the end. If you think you are overweight, lose some pounds (it’ll boost your confidence, too) - and make sure you have a good haircut which suits you and be well-groomed.

Sounds obvious, but a lot of guys overlook these things. Good luck, I really hope you find the right lady soon.

 

[Cricket2]

First, people need, desperately, to get over dating or not dating, especially as a sign of being cool, or OK, or normal. Personally, and as a woman, I could have cared less about a guy’s dating history. I wanted to meet someone that was honest, dependable and had a sound faith foundation. I did not want a womanizer, cheat, liar and lazy lout.

A persons character is determined by much more than their dating history in high school. Frankly this is one benefit I see in “all boy” schools and “all girl” schools. Kids need to get their minds off this dating panic and focus on their education and future career options. The dating can come later and with someone that is probably going to land up being their life long partner.

So no, the lack of dating experience means nothing, at least to any woman who is worth the effort.

 

[SnowAngels]

I’m still a teenager, but in my opinion, definitely not! I don’t plan to start dating myself (if at all) until I am in my mid-twenties!

 

[tabycat]

How about asking someone out for a ‘non=date’ date (like coffee after church)?

 

[Xantippe]

WildCatholic said:

“I’m 25 and while i’ve had a few dates here and their, i haven’t really had a relationship with anyone. Now I know people will be sympathetic on here, but be honest, would it be a turnoff to find a 25 year old man who’d never had some sort of relationship before?”

When I met my husband, he was 24 and in graduate school and had literally never been on a date before.

“I mean i had such bad self esteem issues throughout high school that I couldn’t even ask girls to dances because I thought I was a “fat ugly weird loser” and in college I focused on school but was still afraid to ask women out.”

It’s not unusual to not date in high school or college. In fact, very few people are dating in college these days, which I think is a pity.

“Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. Sadly on this site I hear about guys who don’t have experience at a certain point (especially over 30) and are considered creepy, weird, odd,etc.”

Don’t you think that has some sort of connection to their self-presentation? There are guys who are creepy, weird and odd and they aren’t considered that because they don’t date, they’re considered creepy, weird and odd because they have natural disabilities and/or haven’t bothered to figure out how to present themselves.

Get yourself to student counseling and ask for some pointers.

For an example of this sort of thing going very wrong, see this guy:

abcnews.go.com/US/santa-barbara-killers-friend-lonely-guy/story?id=23860511

You really, really want to avoid giving off the vibe that you are seething with hatred and resentment of women like that guy–women are afraid of that type (and with good reason).

“It makes me wonder if i’m heading down that path and the path to single hood since every year less and less women are available, and at this point I won’t date someone with kids, I’m not big on dating non-catholics (only because I grew up in a house where my mother converted just to marry my dad and really didn’t do it for any other reason, though there may be exceptions) and I also won’t date lukewarm Catholics (and by lukewarm I mean don’t go to mass at least every week and disagree with church teachings).”

Get to it, then. Make sure a month doesn’t go by without you asking a real girl out for a real date. (A real date means that there is an invitation, a time and a place, not “Hey! Do you want to hang out sometime?”)

Excluding women with kids is going to cause you more and more difficulty as time goes by. You’ll probably have to be willing to date women who are at least a little older than you.

Also, how is your social life generally? Do you have friends? Friendship is a good training ground for learning the social skills that will help you date more successfully.

 

[Xantippe]

I think walks are a good format, by the way. It’s a less stressful situation than sitting opposite from a near-stranger in a quasi-interview format, and you’ll get some exercise even if it doesn’t go anywhere. Getting coffee or frozen yogurt or ice cream or something and then walking makes it more date like.

 

[WildCatholic]

How about asking someone out for a ‘non=date’ date (like coffee after church)?

To me that seems kind of too “obvious” the thing is too that I don’t know if girls or people really like me that much. Don’t get me wrong I am not a monster and I guess i’m smart but i have a personality that I call “half autistic” (no offense to those who may truly be on the spectrum).
By this i mean I’m kind of an anti-social nerd who doesn’t have that great of social skills. While I want to be able to have more friends and relationships for some reason (mostly I blame growing up in a small town and attending a small Catholic school where I was an outsider simply because I didn’t have the right name, as well as some odd quirks) I feel like most people don’t like me. Not that they hate me but I guess I feel most people I try to get along with and have conversations with me are simply nice because they have to be and not because they see me as a genuine friend. I feel like at times I’m strange and sadly most women don’t like strange men. Sometimes I wonder if even though “Felt” the call to marriage after discernment, maybe i’m called to single hood due to my social skills. It’s kind of like how people with mental illnesses can’t become priests or join religious orders or how those who can’t perform the marital act can’t get married. I obviously have difficulty keeping relationships and so maybe I’m supposed to be single even though I greatly desire marriage. Desire doesn’t mean that it’s your vocation. Sadly that seems to fall on deaf ears in our modern culture which basically teaches disney theology (If you wish upon a star, anything your heart desires will come to you, which is complete bull if I must say so, some of us are given great gifts, some aren’t, we just have to find ways to please God with what we are given)

 

[Xantippe]

I was reading somebody recently who said that a stroll through WalMart demonstrates that there is somebody for practically everybody, a lid for every pot, or as my MIL would say, “there’s a lover for every monster” (that rhymes in Polish).

Keep studying, pursuing your interests (especially the ones with a more favorable male/female ratio), and keep asking nice women out.

 

[Xantippe]

WildCatholic said:

“To me that seems kind of too “obvious” the thing is too that I don’t know if girls or people really like me that much.”

You gotta be obvious so people understand what you mean.

If you feel that you have autistic personality issues, definitely read the materials on dating and friendship produced for autistic people.

“I feel like at times I’m strange and sadly most women don’t like strange men.”

As a rule, that’s right.

Can you work with a counselor and tone it down a little?

“Sometimes I wonder if even though “Felt” the call to marriage after discernment, maybe i’m called to single hood due to my social skills.”

They’re called social “skills” not social “talents” because they require effort and practice. (But of course some people have more inborn natural talent than others.)

No matter what you do, you’re going to need to polish your social skills, even if only to be able to get and keep jobs.

Best wishes!

 

[Warandpeace]

Yes, it is a turn off, especially if you don’t know how to date. If you lack experience but know how to date that is a bit different. Most of us young people can’t afford marriage right now, so it’s probably better not to go too far down that road.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve read a lot about autism issues, and I have a few more thoughts.

–It’s normal for autistic spectrum adults to be social late-bloomers and to take a much longer time to hit their social peak. Keep working on yourself and keep improving. Don’t stop until you can say, I am a good person to be around and a good friend, I know a lot of people via my hobbies, and I have a good circle of people I like and trust.

–Be willing to date older women. A patient, somewhat older woman with a strong motherly side might be just the thing for you.

–Likewise, if you do meet a good woman and have some success with dating, be willing to listen to her with regard to social stuff. If she says, you need to wear different pants, wear different pants. If she tells you you need to take a shower or use dandruff shampoo, listen.

–If you do marry and have kids, be prepared for it to be much harder than you expect. A lot of autistic adults find children hard to be around.

–Marriage is pretty much the Mt. Everest of social activities, so be prepared for your marriage to need a lot of extra support in terms of communication and perhaps professional advice. Take marriage preparation seriously.

–Also, despite what the temptations are, don’t follow the strategy of sweeping some unsuspecting woman off her feet, marrying her, and then relapsing to “normal.” That is a recipe for disaster. Likewise, don’t go the mail-order bride route, no matter what the temptations are.

There’s a very good book (and short, too) entitled “Alone Together: Making an Asperger Marriage Work” that you may find helpful. It’s a story of a woman who married a charming, wonderful man, but then found him almost impossible to live with, up until she discovered that he was on the autism spectrum.

Best wishes!

 

[PseuTonym]

So no, the lack of dating experience means nothing, at least to any woman who is worth the effort.

That’s a bold statement. We’re all just human beings here, muddling our way through life. I would be hesitant to label a woman as “not worth the effort” based on that one error that she is making, and without considering anything else about her.

Nevertheless, your post above is excellent, not only in content, but also in style. I doubt that it will elicit a “woah …” reply from WildCatholic. If you ever have any style suggestions for me in what I post at Catholic Answers Forums, then please don’t hesitate to post them in a thread that I am participating in, or send them via private message or email (whatever you prefer or whatever you think most appropriate in a given case.)

 

[WildCatholic]

WildCatholic said:

“I’m 25 and while i’ve had a few dates here and their, i haven’t really had a relationship with anyone. Now I know people will be sympathetic on here, but be honest, would it be a turnoff to find a 25 year old man who’d never had some sort of relationship before?”

When I met my husband, he was 24 and in graduate school and had literally never been on a date before.

“I mean i had such bad self esteem issues throughout high school that I couldn’t even ask girls to dances because I thought I was a “fat ugly weird loser” and in college I focused on school but was still afraid to ask women out.”

It’s not unusual to not date in high school or college. In fact, very few people are dating in college these days, which I think is a pity.

“Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. Sadly on this site I hear about guys who don’t have experience at a certain point (especially over 30) and are considered creepy, weird, odd,etc.”

Don’t you think that has some sort of connection to their self-presentation? There are guys who are creepy, weird and odd and they aren’t considered that because they don’t date, they’re considered creepy, weird and odd because they have natural disabilities and/or haven’t bothered to figure out how to present themselves.

Get yourself to student counseling and ask for some pointers.

For an example of this sort of thing going very wrong, see this guy:

abcnews.go.com/US/santa-barbara-killers-friend-lonely-guy/story?id=23860511

You really, really want to avoid giving off the vibe that you are seething with hatred and resentment of women like that guy–women are afraid of that type (and with good reason).

Get to it, then. Make sure a month doesn’t go by without you asking a real girl out for a real date. (A real date means that there is an invitation, a time and a place, not “Hey! Do you want to hang out sometime?”)

Excluding women with kids is going to cause you more and more difficulty as time goes by. You’ll probably have to be willing to date women who are at least a little older than you.

Also, how is your social life generally? Do you have friends? Friendship is a good training ground for learning the social skills that will help you date more successfully.

1. First of all good for you and your husband. I understand this kind of thing happens and I know there will be good women who won’t care about my dating history or anything like that. I still though can’t help but think that it makes me different. Yes there are good things such as not having sex, not breaking hearts, and being more mature so I can make better decisions. However it seems like since I’m still kind of an awkward fellow people will think “no wonder he can’t get a date he’s weird”. I know it’s negative thinking but I can’t help that a lot of women think that. Of course i’ll never know but most women are too nice to say something like “your’e a creep” and just let guys down gently even though it gives guys like me hope that they might secretly like me.

2 In regards to figuring out how to present themselves, sure this may work for some guys, but some men (and some women, trust me there was this one young woman who had a crush on me and let’s just say her social and hygiene skills were a off balance, and it didn’t help that she wasn’t all that attractive from a physical standpoint not that it matters to me). are just too weird or oblivious to attract attention from people or care about it. That’s not saying they can’t lead full lives or anything like presentation is not going to help some people sad as it is. That’s life.
Also, I don’t hate women, or at least not like I used to. I don’t blame women for wanting to be with attractive men and vice versa as long as that’s only a part of equation and not the only thing they look for. Typically most religious people are going to go for the person with movie star looks who is a faithful Catholic or Christian over the person who looks like a troll who is also faithful. It’s just the way it is. God made me this way and I have to work with what i’ve been given. I don’t hate women like the poor fellow in the article you linked to. I will admit though sometimes I feel people in general are too shallow but i’m sure I suffer from that too though as i’ve aged i’ve gotten better.
3 Part of the reason I hate asking out people is that they will say no and will do it for dumb reasons like “oh he’s ugly or creepy I better say no and let him down gently”. I hate rejection. Of course it’s a vicious cycle because I end up not doing anything. I just hate getting told no because its like they are saying “eww loser don’t ask me out”.

1. You mention friends. This is an area I probably do okay in but not as well as most people. I only really have one friend I talk to and visit regularly (most of my friends i’ve made in college have moved on) and like me his is kind of what you’d call a bit of a misfit. We’re both a little socially awkward and have similar interests. Our only difference is that he really doesn’t care about women and is working more towards his career though in college he had a huge crush on someone who he thought was “too smart for him” (he has a learning disability in reading though he overcame it pretty well, but she was an accounting major who interned at some big office out in DC). Also I guess i’m more of a person who wants quality over quantity and am okay being alone as long as i am not lonely (for example i’d love being in a large city even if i didn’t have friends because I’d find interesting folks to talk to).

Overall your responses are good and I know I need to improve my thinking, but as usually happens with most people we get in the way of ourselves.