Is a lack of dating experience by 25 a turn off to women?

[WildCatholic]

WildCatholic said:

“To me that seems kind of too “obvious” the thing is too that I don’t know if girls or people really like me that much.”

You gotta be obvious so people understand what you mean.

If you feel that you have autistic personality issues, definitely read the materials on dating and friendship produced for autistic people.

“I feel like at times I’m strange and sadly most women don’t like strange men.”

As a rule, that’s right.

Can you work with a counselor and tone it down a little?

“Sometimes I wonder if even though “Felt” the call to marriage after discernment, maybe i’m called to single hood due to my social skills.”

They’re called social “skills” not social “talents” because they require effort and practice. (But of course some people have more inborn natural talent than others.)

No matter what you do, you’re going to need to polish your social skills, even if only to be able to get and keep jobs.

Best wishes!

Well thats why I said “half autistic” I’m interested in people and have enough skills that i’ve kept my part time job for almost a year and a half and worked other jobs and have only left on my own accord. Also I love kids and want to work with kids who are in Special Education. I honestly find it rewarding and want to make sure those children who struggle get the help and learn the skills they need to live productive lives to the fullest extent they can. Also I’m sure i’m not on the Autistic spectrum. I just said “half autistic” because i have some quirks. In all honesty I don’t think I have it. I probably just picked up some odd quirks from my high functioning younger brother with autism. In all honesty i probably have a personality similar to a nicer version of Dr House or Doctor Martin (in that i’m not so blunt and try to please people and make them feel good).

 

[Avocadomom]

The mere fact that you haven’t dated isn’t in and of itself a turn-off.

The mental health issues, lousy social skills and poor self-esteem are turn-offs. Women like men who are confident (but not cocky), self assured, positive, friendly, and who are fun, interesting people with whom to spend time. If you are overweight or out of shape, eat better and start working out. Women like men who show pride in their appearance and health. Be honest about your grooming - could it be improved? Do you speak poorly of yourself often?

I would spend some time thinking about the REASONS you haven’t dated. Work on those reasons and make some improvements. The rest will come naturally. People who are confident and friendly attract others, both platonic friends and possible romantic interests.

 

[WildCatholic]

The mere fact that you haven’t dated isn’t in and of itself a turn-off.

The mental health issues, lousy social skills and poor self-esteem are turn-offs. Women like men who are confident (but not cocky), self assured, positive, friendly, and who are fun, interesting people with whom to spend time. If you are overweight or out of shape, eat better and start working out. Women like men who show pride in their appearance and health. Be honest about your grooming - could it be improved? Do you speak poorly of yourself often?

I would spend some time thinking about the REASONS you haven’t dated. Work on those reasons and make some improvements. The rest will come naturally. People who are confident and friendly attract others, both platonic friends and possible romantic interests.

Well I’m already in counseling and just to not to people again I am not Autistic I just have a few quirks that are a little weird (and honestly don’t we all, I mean my quirk is that I write lists related to sports, such as what NFL teams have the most 3000 yard passers or stuff like that). Also i have grown in confidence in the sense that I am more comfortable with myself and my flaws. As for appearance I’m not too bad but I’ll admit some weight loss would help but not losing wouldn’t hurt. I’ll admit i do speak poorly of myself once in a while, but my problem is more that I don’t really toot my own horn enough and don’t really know what’s good about me. Its hard for me to come up with good things about myself because it feels like the good things are insignificant (for example who cares that i’m smart, there are smarter people out there)
It doesn’t help that for some reason I can’t shake the belief that it matters what other people think of me. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I think of myself because life depends on what others think of you. For example I can ask out a woman and it doesn’t matter if I feel she could be the love of my life, if she doesn’t think i’m good enough then she will say no, same things with job interviews (it doesn’t matter if you feel the job is right, the interviewer decides) and even God (God decides whether we’ve lived a live worthy of heaven or not). I know this isn’t a healthy attitude but it’s hard to explain it to a counselor.

Also I guess I feel because my bullies were the confident kids in school (because sadly its not that bullies don’t have confidence they have too much according to studies) I equate confidence with jerkiness and cockiness. I know this isn’t true but I guess I always believed that if you were nice to people, they would be nice to you and like you, no matter what you were like because having a good heart and soul was more important than confidence. Once again it’s hard to explain.

 

[Radish]

My husband went on one date before me at age 20. It didn’t bother me. I was more worried he would be bothered that I dated more than him.

 

[PseuTonym]

I’ll admit i do speak poorly of myself once in a while, but my problem is more that I don’t really toot my own horn enough and don’t really know what’s good about me. Its hard for me to come up with good things about myself because it feels like the good things are insignificant (for example who cares that i’m smart, there are smarter people out there)

It might be worthwhile for you to skim through the book Stupid, Ugly, Unlucky and RICH by Richard St. John. From the title alone, it might sound completely off-topic, but I don`t think that it is. Of course, in an ideal world, I would be able to recommend a book entitled something like: Not the smartest, not the best looking, usually unsuccessful in dating, but Happily Married.

 

[Xantippe]

“3 Part of the reason I hate asking out people is that they will say no and will do it for dumb reasons like “oh he’s ugly or creepy I better say no and let him down gently”. I hate rejection. Of course it’s a vicious cycle because I end up not doing anything. I just hate getting told no because its like they are saying “eww loser don’t ask me out”.”

No, it just means, you aren’t my type, or I’m busy that night, or I’ve got a crush on so-and-so or I’m hoping to get back together with my ex.

What kinds of date invitations have you been making, by the way? That might be an area for improvement.

Also, have you talked to college counseling?

 

[Xantippe]

Great, you are doing counseling.

The stuff you mention as being hard to explain is exactly the kind of stuff you should be talking to your counselor about.

Also, I would suggest building up your pool of friendly acquaintances and in particular, I would suggest working on your cross-gender friendships. I’m not suggesting that for the purpose of persuading a female friend to become a girlfriend (although, wouldn’t that be awesome?) but in order to improve your skills and confidence with speaking with women.

Also, come to think of it, if you successfully do a career in education, you’ll be pretty much surrounded by nice women, some single, some with single daughters and nieces.

And one more thing–the more you improve your social skills, the more you will have to offer your students and the more employable you will be.

Best wishes!

 

[WildCatholic]

“3 Part of the reason I hate asking out people is that they will say no and will do it for dumb reasons like “oh he’s ugly or creepy I better say no and let him down gently”. I hate rejection. Of course it’s a vicious cycle because I end up not doing anything. I just hate getting told no because its like they are saying “eww loser don’t ask me out”.”

No, it just means, you aren’t my type, or I’m busy that night, or I’ve got a crush on so-and-so or I’m hoping to get back together with my ex.

What kinds of date invitations have you been making, by the way? That might be an area for improvement.

Also, have you talked to college counseling?

I do go to counseling (not through my college but through a Catholic Social Services group. As for date invitations. I haven’t made any lately. Part of it is though that i’m not really around that many women since at my job almost all of them are under 18 and the few who aren’t are married or have kids and live with the baby daddy. As for my college classes, it’s a hybrid masters program where I only take a few programs on campus. As for church i attend a small rural paris where it is mostly older people and there aren’t many parishes with people my age who are single unless i want to drive an hour to church (which is silly since I live about 10 minutes from quite a few Catholic churches and five minutes from my own.)

Also I understand that reject doesn’t mean something is wrong with me, but how do I know? I mean no woman is going to say “well I want to get back with my ex jonny” so for all i know it could be because i’m a fat guy and she’s just being shallow. Sometimes I wish girls could just give reasons instead of playing games and being all secret like and just say “hey i like you” or “sorry i don’t like you because…”

 

[Xantippe]

WildCatholic said:

“Also I understand that reject doesn’t mean something is wrong with me, but how do I know?”

That’s where having a larger group of more socially savvy friends could help.

You could say, “Suzie, please be honest–why aren’t I getting anyplace with the women I ask out?” and Suzie might say, “You smell funny, you don’t make eye contact/you make too much eye contact, you seem to be keeping your eyes at the woman’s chest level, you monopolize the conversation/don’t ask questions/ask too many questions/just want to talk about your interests/ask for too much personal information too soon/come on too strong/act uninterested or bored.”

Come to think of it, if you had a Suzie in your life, you could go out on a double date with Suzie, her guy and a date for you, and Suzie would be able to give you an after-action report on how it went that could be very helpful to you.

 

[Cricket2]

How about asking someone out for a ‘non=date’ date (like coffee after church)?

Why not? But why even attach the word “date” to it?

Perhaps what folks should focus on is just making friends. Ultimately your future spouse really does need to be your best friend on this planet. During a friendship you may just find the person of your dreams, and will have all the opportunity in the world to learn about them, (good and bad). Maybe marriages would do better if folks where less concerned about “chemistry” and more focused on character and true friendship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting “arranged marriages”, but some of this “love at first sight,” or “oh he/she is soooo handsome, sexy, or whatever” may be just too superficial in the first place. Maybe there needs to be a healthier mix of natural attraction and simply friendship for one to consider marriage.

 

[WildCatholic]

Why not? But why even attach the word “date” to it?

Perhaps what folks should focus on is just making friends. Ultimately your future spouse really does need to be your best friend on this planet. During a friendship you may just find the person of your dreams, and will have all the opportunity in the world to learn about them, (good and bad). Maybe marriages would do better if folks where less concerned about “chemistry” and more focused on character and true friendship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting “arranged marriages”, but some of this “love at first sight,” or “oh he/she is soooo handsome, sexy, or whatever” may be just too superficial in the first place. Maybe there needs to be a healthier mix of natural attraction and simply friendship for one to consider marriage.

I definitely agree with this. Sadly it seems as if even in Christian circles people are focused on finding the most attractive man or woman out there and it doesn’t emphasize the importance of friendship enough. Also the whole love at first sight thing is **** and it almost feels like that in dating you have to be instantly attracted to the person or else it’s a no go. I think friends is being important but i know what I need to do is make interest known when it comes up.

I guess another thing that is important is not to give up. Now don’t be a stalker but one of the things that has bugged me is that oftentimes people get rejected and they take as a sign they should give up. I forget which president but I think it was Truman got rejected by his eventual wife, but would find ways for them to get together like hosting outings and parties and inviting friends and usually she got invited through mutual friends and even though at first he was rejected, eventually he won her over. Now obviously don’t be a creep about it, but if you truly feel someone is that important, find a way to make it happen, but also don’t just give up on being friends. Stay friends with people because you never know who you will meet through them!

 

[Bataar]

25 may still be a bit young, but I’d definitely advise getting out there before you’re like me and are 35 with no dating experience. I’m definitely on the autistic spectrum and I hate it, but there’s not much I can do about it.

 

[DaisyNJesus]

Lack of dating experience is not a turn off. Some men think women want bad men who dated a lot. This is not so at all. But I think women are biologically geared towards self-confident males. Our nature is to look for a mate to have children with. The chemistry comes when we sense that the man is ready to fight for our attention, for us and for our common children, and tribe.
Some men have no relationship experience because they are socially ackward or have very low self esteem. Do not start by telling a woman that you have no dating experience. Let her get to know you.

An very introverted or shy man might be fantastic in every way, but he needs to slay the dragons inside of him and practice courage and learn communication of honest feelings and oppinions. Not be afraid of one’s own space in the world, because healthy people can not feel attracted to fear.

That is what I think. But what do I know about any of it

 

[Thorns]

WildCatholic, you need to make female friends and learn to socialize appropriately with them. It doesnt matter if you re attracted to them, or if theyre attracted to you, or not. Believe it or not, learning about women, getting to know them, will somehow boost your confidence on this little change alone.

Ive also noticed that when women see you with women, they’re more likely to feel comfortable around you and for some reason are much more nicer. Odd how that works, I know. As a guy, I tend to be turned off by a woman who has a lot of guy friends, but its just the opposite with them.

You also dont really need to work out, although it may be healthier, but its not essential. Ive seen many short guys who are stocky do fine with women. At the end of the day, its just confidence and a sprinkle of personality and a stable lifestyle.

 

[Xantippe]

Thorns said:

“WildCatholic, you need to make female friends and learn to socialize appropriately with them. It doesnt matter if you re attracted to them, or if theyre attracted to you, or not. Believe it or not, learning about women, getting to know them, will somehow boost your confidence on this little change alone.”

But don’t do the thing of being “friends,” asking one of them out, and then sulking when they say “no.” That’s not OK.

Just being friends with women is educational even if it’s “just” friendship. Friendship is important.

 

[Thorns]

Thorns said:

“WildCatholic, you need to make female friends and learn to socialize appropriately with them. It doesnt matter if you re attracted to them, or if theyre attracted to you, or not. Believe it or not, learning about women, getting to know them, will somehow boost your confidence on this little change alone.”

But don’t do the thing of being “friends,” asking one of them out, and then sulking when they say “no.” That’s not OK.

Just being friends with women is educational even if it’s “just” friendship. Friendship is important.

That was exactly my point. For right now, forget about dating. Just make friends and be a genuine friend. Dont put pressure on yourself to date them. Dont expect to date them, but learn how women are. The dating will come later and with a different woman.

 

[CharityTraveler]

Is it? I’m 25 and while i’ve had a few dates here and their, i haven’t really had a relationship with anyone. Now I know people will be sympathetic on here, but be honest, would it be a turnoff to find a 25 year old man who’d never had some sort of relationship before? I mean i had such bad self esteem issues throughout high school that I couldn’t even ask girls to dances because I thought I was a “fat ugly weird loser” and in college I focused on school but was still afraid to ask women out.

Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. Sadly on this site I hear about guys who don’t have experience at a certain point (especially over 30) and are considered creepy, weird, odd,etc. It makes me wonder if i’m heading down that path and the path to single hood since every year less and less women are available, and at this point I won’t date someone with kids, I’m not big on dating non-catholics (only because I grew up in a house where my mother converted just to marry my dad and really didn’t do it for any other reason, though there may be exceptions) and I also won’t date lukewarm Catholics (and by lukewarm I mean don’t go to mass at least every week and disagree with church teachings).

Hi,
I’m 24 and haven’t had any experience dating yet and i would prefer someone inexperienced like i am. Please don’t worry about this and pray that God leads you to your future spouse. I worry about this too but i know i was in no shape to start dating until i dealt with my emotional health. Somone meant for you wouldn’t judge you for this, so don’t become discouraged if someone tries to say something about your experience. Look at this positive: You haven’t been through heart breaking experiences that would damage your ability to bond to your future wife.

 

[lily22]

Your age is not dependent upon your character. Just keep being who you are, and when
God wants something, and you keep in His Prayer, you won’t be able to stop him. He will get you a spouse when the time is ok, whether it be 25 45 or 95.

 

[Bataar]

Your age is not dependent upon your character. Just keep being who you are, and when
God wants something, and you keep in His Prayer, you won’t be able to stop him. He will get you a spouse when the time is ok, whether it be 25 45 or 95.

Other people might suspect that character is dependent on age, however. If a woman finds out a man is in his late 20s or early 30s and has never dated or had any kind of relationship like that, she’s bound to assume, even if it’s at the subconscious level that there is something wrong with the man.

 

[runningdude]

…
Now it feels like its the same old refrain. I’m still scared, granted now it’s my economic situation (I’m living at home getting my masters) as well as my experience. …

I am in this same boat, masters, home, etc. I dated somewhat when I was younger, but it was chaotic and painful. All its done is confuse me now, because my current “relationship” is smooth and drama free (and thus feels wrong! ).

Sure, if you lead with never having been in a relationship, it may be a turn off, but there is no need for your dating history to come up on the first few dates! Really unless things start taking a serious turn, it need not come up at all.

The first few women you go out with, you may only get one date, but that is OK! You would be building that proverbial “experience”. Each women has her own criteria that may or may not exclude you. It is totally not personal! You will eventually find that you may need to let a women go who is interested in you, but whom you do not return the feelings (as odd as that sounds).

Remember, only one of these women need to “like” you! (The one you marry!)

Other people might suspect that character is dependent on age, however. If a woman finds out a man is in his late 20s or early 30s and has never dated or had any kind of relationship like that, she’s bound to assume, even if it’s at the subconscious level that there is something wrong with the man.

Well, yes, something is wrong with the OP. He has self confidence issues that he needs to work on. Everybody has something wrong they need to work on; some are serious, some are trivial. He doesn’t need to share any personal or uncomfortable until trust and confidence is established. Then the gory, deal breaking issues can be slowly discussed.