Is a ring important when a man proposes marriage?

[whatevergirl]

I don’t want a ring when I get engaged. I’ve decided the only ring I will wear is my wedding band, should I marry.

My reasons:

1. I wear jewelry but I’m very particular about the jewelry I wear and I don’t wear a lot. I don’t like it as gifts, I never did. The only jewelry I wear is the jewelry I bought and picked out for myself and I can wear it for any occasion.
2. Many engagement rings (not all, I know) seem to have diamonds in them. I have a fundamental problem with diamonds (the stuff going on in Africa). And even without diamonds, they have a gem typically. I’m not into that. I like metal and beads in jewelry, not gems.

It’s interesting you say this. Now, there are conflict free jewelers, but how would one really know? I now have a moissanite, and in this way also, I’m glad we went this route, because after seeing the movie Blood Diamond, I really was rather clueless about the diamond cartel. It is truly awful. But again, not all jewelers get their diamonds from DeBeers, for example–which is the largest cartel.

1. Why don’t guys wear a symbol of something for engagement as well? I never understood that.

I agree–why is that? Maybe some men here will answer. My son asked me that the other day, that he wants to wear a commitment ring when he finds someone special to marry. I love that kid.

1. I’m only going to wear it for six months? Unless I get it soldered to my wedding band? In my mind, it doesn’t make sense to buy a piece of jewelry that will only be significant for such a short amount of time.

No…you can wear your engagement ring while you’re married. Some women wear just the band…or you can wear both.

Disclaimer: I’m not bashing anyone who likes them, wants them, or thinks they’re important. I just don’t but that’s just me.

 

[Belle10]

That’s a neat thing your priest said. Aw.

I think so too. It was part of when we exchanged our rings and made our vows.

 

[dixieagle]

To each her own on this one.

I was so thrilled to receive my engagement ring 35 years ago; dh says I used to just stare at it when I first got it. Unfortunately, my ring was stolen just a couple of years later; I had been refinishing furniture and had taken it off - the first time I had done so for more than a few minutes. I forgot to put it back on, and when we were out that evening, our apartment was burglarized, just about everything valuable taken - including my ring. We were young and stupid, with no insurance.

I was so upset; it hadn’t cost much, but it was so symbolic for us, not to mention pretty, and I had very little jewelry. We had our children shortly after that, and then came Catholic school tuition, college, weddings, trips home to visit family far away, etc. Finally, last year, when my husband’s company gave employees a bonus, he insisted I replace the ring (though nothing could really take the place of the original.) This time, I got to pick it out and had such fun (I could tell you anything you want to know about diamond purchases now, LOL!)

I am fascinated by the fact that there are now companies that are making actual, man-made diamonds (originally for industrial use, but now being used in jewelry - Apollo Diamonds and Gemesis.)

I think it is especially lovely when heirloom family stones can be used in engagement rings; my late mother’s ring was given to my nephew for his future wife, and my younger daughter inherited her grandmother’s rings for any sons of hers. Her older sister will ultimately inherit my new ring.

I also love sapphires and diamonds together - so pretty. It’s that “shiny” thing, I guess!

I have read that it was a Pope - Nicolas I - who mandated that rings be given for engagement/betrothal, back when an engagement was considered pretty much a “done deal”. Some Archduke was the first to give a diamond ring and it’s taken off from their (with help from DeBeers and their marketing!)

 

[thenewmrssears]

Thanks for the compliment on my ring.

It’s a natural pink sapphire with some conflict-free diamonds around it.

Nathan did a good job considering the only thing he really thought about was that my favorite color is pink! He designed it himself, and I absolutely love it!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I think it could depend on the couple, but I’d rather have one than not. It’s an outward sign of an inward commitment. It shows everyone, loud and clear, that I am getting ready to devote the rest of my life to one man, and that I am not ‘available’. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I’m pretty sure the one my fiance got me was under $200 (I don’t know for sure), but it is very pretty, and exactly the kind I like. We don’t know where the diamonds came from, but I’m pretty sure they are Canadian ones, and not connected with the ‘blood diamond’ sort. If you don’t like gemstones or fancy things, you could always get one of those Celtic rings, that look like braided metal.

I think the reason guys are the ones who give rings to girls, and they don’t get anything to wear until they’re married, is because the guy is really asking the woman to put her trust in him to look after her for the rest of her life, more so than he will have to trust her. (don’t eat me eat, ladies ) In the course of a normal couple’s life, they will have children. A woman NEEDS help to give birth to and look after babies. She will need someone to look after her while she rests after giving birth, and support when she is busy looking after her helpless infant. Yes, single mothers can do it, but a) they often turn to their parents for help, and b) I’m betting they’d much rather have a devoted husband to help them out(yes, there are probably exceptions to the rule, yadda yadda). Of course, the man could end up sick or something and the woman will have to look after him, but for a normal couple, the woman will need more help than the man will, and she has to trust him to provide for her.

Again, please don’t eat me, I know there are many ways the raising of children can be done, I’m just talking in general here.

 

[mercygate]

holy cow–66 years? hey, that is awesome, actually…i love love love family heirlooms. I think that is so special.

I wouldn’t have minded Grandma’s engagement ring – I did not want an engagement ring; I had been engaged but broke it off and that was enough of THAT. I DID rather object that my dh insisted that I wear his grandfather’s wedding ring. He had it cut down for me. I REALLY wanted my own wedding ring but his heart was set on it. So after 37 years, it’s still on my hand.

 

[duskyjewel]

I bought my DH an engagement ring during college. He wore it and still has it.

 

[Katie1723]

Right there with ya Phemie. I have described Barnes & Noble and Borders as “my own personal crack dens.”

You have to get past me first. I will never forget the local B&N opening on MY birthday. Told my BF that it was a birthday present. I call both B&N and Borders my second home. I wander amongst all my friends when I need to relax.

Oh, and so you know, when I was married, I didn’t have an engagement ring…until I bought MY OWN

Kathy

 

[MCGar]

I haven’t read all the posts but I will write what my gut reaction to the OP was as soon as I read it.

It would really matter what the DD thinks when she gets engaged, not her mother.

I don’t think mothers should tell their DD, that they should or shouldn’t recieve a ring and what it says about their future fiance if they did or did not provide one.

Obviously, the DD’s of note are still really young and not near the age, but mom’s and girls talk about this kind of stuff anyway. It’s not up to the fiance to to meet the mom’s expectation of what she thinks her DD should have as a proposal, and that sort of expectation or pressure shouldn’t be put on their DD either.

Can you imagine when the time comes for a proposal and there is no ring but the girl knows how her mom thinks about the absence of a ring (or visa versa?) There will be a dark cloud hovering over the girl when she wants to announce to her family of her engagement (all the while knowing at the back of her mind her mom’s disapproval, even if the mom would never dream of expressing it aloud).

Let’s leave those sorts* of theories of what is right or wrong and apply them to our marriages and not try to apply them to someone else’s future marriage.

*I’m NOT saying that we shouldn’t raise our children with a certain set of Christian values in regards to marriage but small opinion of ring/no ring, family tradition, etc. shouldn’t be imposed.

Just my opinion.

 

[Guitar]

Not that this should be considered a ‘dowry’ for a woman, but there should be some type of sacrifice.

I’ve always thought so. My theory is that the practice might have been a bit of social protection for women in days when they weren’t so economically independent.

A betrothal ring is publicly worn, forfeited by whichever party breaks the engagement, and costs enough that it is a sacrifice - it doesn’t send the man bankrupt but costs enough that it hurts a bit. A publicly-displayed and reasonably expensive sign of a pledge doesn’t stop anyone from pulling out of an engagement that should not proceed to marriage, but knowing that promise costs money and is publicised probably helped prevent promises being made with no intent to keep them, particularly on the part of men.

Public signs of betrothal probably don’t serve the same purpose anymore, but I certainly don’t think anyone who wants one is materialistic. It’s part of our courting rituals and the newly-affianced are quite entitled to get all excited about their engagement ring. It’s a gift of love she keeps for life - half the time these days the wedding dress costs as much and is never worn again.

It’s up to the girl. If she doesn’t want one, great. If fiance decides against it on her behalf or doesn’t respect the fact that she wants one, red flag.

Plenty of uninvolved folks get upset over it, though. My brother didn’t give SIL one, which upset my mother greatly (who insisted SIL have one of her own rings as an engagement present!) but SIL’s culture doesn’t have them so the whole idea was foreign. Mum would not “get” that this was not treating SIL “cheaply”. And yet, she used to sound off about how snarky her MIL (my grandmother) got when my aunt became engaged to a Dutch man - their engagement practice was to wear a gold band on the right hand and change it to the left hand at the wedding. Nanny kept accusing my uncle of being “cheap” when he was simply following his own tradition instead of hers. But then she never did have any respect for “foreigners”. I can understand Mum projecting a bit on this one, though, as getting engaged to the man who really was her Prince Charming was the first good thing that had happened in her life. It probably took a long time to get her head round the fact that he loved her back and she was going to have her own life at last, away from her family and with her prince. She told me she would sit in the sun for ages just looking at her ring sparkling when first engaged, and I think of that every time I wear her rings. I guess she just wanted that same happiness for SIL and just could not understand that the ring didn’t have the same meaning for other women as it had for her.

 

[IrishAm]

I keep waiting for someone to provide a link to Marilyn Monroe singing . . .

"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental,
But diamonds are a girl’s best friend . . . "

 

[Guitar]

(Rings can take off fingers if they catch on a ladderwell aboard ship)

I’ve not worn my rings for months at a time for similar reasons. They also make a very effective short-circuit turn, and engineering is full of urban myths about a friend of a colleague’s uncle’s drinking buddy who worked in power generation and had his finger burned off thanks to induced currents in a ring. I do know engineers who wear a wedding ring with a slot cut through it to weaken it so it’ll give before the finger does.

 

[whatevergirl]

I wouldn’t have minded Grandma’s engagement ring – I did not want an engagement ring; I had been engaged but broke it off and that was enough of THAT. I DID rather object that my dh insisted that I wear his grandfather’s wedding ring. He had it cut down for me. I REALLY wanted my own wedding ring but his heart was set on it. So after 37 years, it’s still on my hand.

I absolutely love those antique looking rings from days of old. My mother’s ring…so simple, yet bold. I have seen some pretty Tiffany and Tacori settings when my nephew’s wife worked for Tiffany’s…and they have tried hard to duplicate those beautiful timeless settings. Our ancestors had taste!!

 

[Coder]

I didn’t want an engagement ring – I hate jewelery. DH insisted, even though he could ill afford to get me one.

Yes, but if a man isn’t willing to get one, then even if the woman doesn’t want it she might not appreciate that he wasn’t willing to get one. Perhaps deep down even though you don’t want the ring, you are glad he thought so much of you that he insisted.

 

[whatevergirl]

Yes, but if a man isn’t willing to get one, then even if the woman doesn’t want it she might not appreciate that he wasn’t willing to get one. Perhaps deep down even though you don’t want the ring, you are glad he thought so much of you that he insisted.

Yes, that’s a great point. I think it’s up to the individual, of course…but in some way, I find it very old fashioned and in good taste for the man to not assume he shouldn’t need to do this in preparation for an engagement. Always ask, gentlemen.

 

[whatevergirl]

I keep waiting for someone to provide a link to Marilyn Monroe singing . . .

"A kiss on the hand may be quite continental,
But diamonds are a girl’s best friend . . . "

ha–yes! http://www.xoospace.com/myspace/graphics/21213.jpg

now that’s a little much…

 

[dixieagle]

Thanks for the compliment on my ring.

It’s a natural pink sapphire with some conflict-free diamonds around it.

Nathan did a good job considering the only thing he really thought about was that my favorite color is pink! He designed it himself, and I absolutely love it!

Nathan did really well! Beautiful and different.

 

[whatevergirl]

You have to get past me first. I will never forget the local B&N opening on MY birthday. Told my BF that it was a birthday present. I call both B&N and Borders my second home. I wander amongst all my friends when I need to relax.

Oh, and so you know, when I was married, I didn’t have an engagement ring…until I bought MY OWN

Kathy

Buy your own, or it’s bought for you…it’s all good. lol

I always thought a job at Borders or B&N, or owning my own book shoppe would be so cool. The hours are kinda bad, and long…but the discounts would be awesome.

 

[Katie1723]

Buy your own, or it’s bought for you…it’s all good. lol

I always thought a job at Borders or B&N, or owning my own book shoppe would be so cool. The hours are kinda bad, and long…but the discounts would be awesome.

It’s my dream job…when I don’t NEED to work.

Kathy

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the compliment on my ring.

It’s a natural pink sapphire with some conflict-free diamonds around it.

Nathan did a good job considering the only thing he really thought about was that my favorite color is pink! He designed it himself, and I absolutely love it!

Ok…stop the presses…he designed it himself? This man is a keeper. lol Seriously, that is too sweet! I really never thought of having an alternative to a diamond be a gemstone, other than the moissanite I now wear, as my alternative. I just love love love your ring…and the thing is, with him designing this especially for you…the sentimental value is priceless…I am so glad you shared.