I consider myself essentially those things, dumb, loser, hopeless, incidentally, money is the answer to the three things that plague me. God is fully aware, don’t worry, it’ll be interesting to see which comes first: the last straw or the answer to many decades of a heartbreaking life. Then, once on the other side, I’ll hear the same old tired line about how much God has given me, what Jesus did for me, and how i did not respond properly to God’s “awesome” gift of life. I want rest and peace, I may get eternal hell. What is there to not be thankful about? God is love, yet he sustains the miserable souls in hell (retributive justice), God is just, yet every one is born with the stain of original sin when they have committed no sin, God is just but one solitary sin, a temporal act, is able to land you in hell for eternity, infinitely punished for finite actions (retributive justice), God is not who people think or say he is. So who is God, the sentimental father waiting for his broke son or the friendly ruler who says “I never knew you” to people who thought they were going to meet a friend? Jesus paid a debt that I never incurred, if God had been just he would have punished whoever committed the fault, but him putting the serpent there is like an accident waiting to happen, so I don’t know exactly what game he was playing. Furthermore there is no reason I should have been born with original sin, unless God can convince me that I sinned intrauterinelly. I’m in God’s playground, I’ve looked high and low, there is no getting out of it, he loves me with a passion, but watch out if I don’t think the playground is for me or if I resent the playground meister for bringing and keeping me in his playground. Not to mention God’s supposedly archenemy, more like a Pitbull whose leash God controls, so whenever the damned dog bites you, you realize God has given the damned dog’s leash some slack. Archenemies? More like politicians who put on a show in front of the cameras, you’d swear they hate each other’s guts, behind the cameras they’re having a beer and a pleasant conversation. When you suffer for many years in life, when you realize that none of your miseries pose God an insolvable problem, you realize he wills every single aspect of your life, you realize that you’ll get as much from God as you’ll get water from a dry well. I know who God is from the way I’ve been treated, from the tear-filled prayers that have been left unanswered, he is heartless. But not with everyone. That he keeps souls alive in hell forever is a testament to God’s heartlessness and cruelty. Whether people choose hell or God sends them there is a moot point, he keeps them there, and he’s satisfied. That’s my God. That’s the God who graced me with a make-up kit and a doll house, he’s prescient, so he knew his gift did not suit me.