Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?

[Slowride]

I’ve never raised kids but here are my thoughts;

1. I would NOT volunteer any information about my sexual history.
2. IF they asked I would NOT lie but I wouldn’t give many details either. And if I HAD to say: I did not wait for marriage, I would make sure to tell the child why it was the wrong choice and how deeply I regretted that choice.
3. Pray. pray. pray for your children. Leave them in the Father’s hands and they will be okay, no matter what mistakes they stumble into.

Agreed!

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in my day and age it would be considered extremely rude and inappropriate to ask that question of anyone - - - family members included.

I think the person asking it needs to be taught that just because they ask the question, does not mean they deserve to get an answer.

I think a very firm, polite " That’s awfully personal" would suffice as a response.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I will not discuss details with my kids for many reasons. Not least of which is that their mother and I have very different histories, and I don’t want to cause a problem there. But also because my past is not a model (one way or the other), nor is it the standard. The church sets the standard.

I was a lazy student. I don’t tell my kids this because I later became a good student (graduate school) and I hold them to a much higher standard than I was held to as a youngster. I’ll tell them that story when they have kids of their own, not while I’m trying to give them the benefit of my own life lessons.

Same goes for sexual history. I’m going to speak to them about acceptable standards. Not about the example I may or may not have set for them.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

It’s not okay to lie to your children. sometimes you need to omit details though. My parents never talked about the fact that they had sex before marriage. But I figured out at some point that my brother was born only 6 1/2 months after they were married. I figured that out in my early teen years. When I was about 21, my Mom’s sister told me that “you know your mom was pregnant when she got married, right?” like it was some big family secret. I mean, no, we didn’t talk about it, but I’m not stupid.

I KNOW they were really hoping that we would be more careful before marriage. And we were. We didn’t have intercourse until marriage. BUT, we weren’t exactly chaste either.

 

[Lorelei12]

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in my day and age it would be considered extremely rude and inappropriate to ask that question of anyone - - - family members included.

I think the person asking it needs to be taught that just because they ask the question, does not mean they deserve to get an answer.

I think a very firm, polite " That’s awfully personal" would suffice as a response.

Agree with this. A parent doesn’t have to say “mind your own business” but can convey to a child that it’s not appropriate to ask such personal questions of anyone, including parents.

All this talk of “being honest” with your kids has me confused. Nobody owes their children any information regarding such matters- that doesn’t mean you have to lie and say you were chaste, but rather that they are asking a question they do not deserve an answer to.

 

[1inICXC]

Christopher West’s , Crystalina and Jason Evert’s, Leah Daarow’s, Matt Fradd’s etc kids will all know the truth. If their past can be a witness to millions around the world, why can’t yours be, to your own kids?

 

[Kensho]

'kay, I just thought of the best thing in the world to tell your kids to get them to be chaste: “Someday you will have to tell everything you did sexually to your kids. They deserve to know the truth!”

I bet there’d be more virgins in the world.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Really? My oldest daughter is about to turn 15, and I have talked to her about sexual topics quite a bit, but need to take it to the next level as she reaches the halfway point of high school and stands at the door of adulthood. I have struggled with what to tell her. My big dark secret is that her father and I didn’t wait for marriage, but still, my upbringing and past is not the ideal I want for her . I have wondered if discussing my own struggle and how I failed would be profitable or not.

My husband had one disastrous sexual relationship before me, and I really think his experience could teach our boys a lot, but wonder if telling them would do more damage than good.

So yes, it’s feasible that parents might discuss this with their kids. For right now, my oldest knows her Dad is the only man I’ve ever been with, and I’m proud to at least be able to say that.

I have sinned many times in my life, and don’t plan on providing every detail when I my children right from wrong. Why is the area of sexual sin any different?

I remember hiding vegtables in a napkin as a child. I am not going to tell my daughter when I tell her to finish her lima beans.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Exactly.

The point here is that by the time they are able to ask those kind of questions, they will be already responsible for their actions in the eyes of God. And you have to let them know that.

Mom: You are never to have pre-marital sex.

Daughter: Did you?

Mom: Yes, and that’s exactly why I am telling you not to do it.

Daughter: So you have no authority to tell me not to do it!

Mom: It’s not my authority you should be worried about, but God’s.

Period.

You have to say the truth, and at the same time be very clear that they have their own responsibility in doing it right before God.

Or

Child to himself: “And you turned out fine.”

Again, which sins do we tell our children we are guilty of? Most of us did the exact same things our children do, so unless we divulge the details in other areas, it seems odd to open up about sex and not all the times I was dishonest in the past too.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

How would you know if having that kind of conversation with a parent is a good thing? By your own admission, your parents didn’t talk to you about it. It’s a little strange that you think telling them you did drugs is okay, but that the mere mention of anything sexual creates a bad relationship. If parents don’t educate their kids about sex, someone else does-- usually peers-- and the end result isn’t pretty.

Educating children about sex does not mean telling them the name of the first adult movie you watched.

 

[Scottgun]

It is never morally acceptable to lie. Least of all to your children who depend on you to be reliable. One of course is not required to reveal all details.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

From what I could see, she stated what she did regarding a daughter because a daughter would be more likely to ask her, the mother, about past premarital encounters. Plus, she was looking back at her own mistakes regarding what her mother had shared and how she, as a daughter, reacted to it.

If she had a son who was compelled to know such things, he would probably be asking his father, not his mother, about past encounters, so it’s not likely she’d be the one addressing that issue.

Sorry, but I wasn’t able to pull her valuing the virginity of a future daughter over a future son from what she had posted.

Yes. I should have answered that post more thoroughly.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

“Is it okay to lie to your children about your sexual history?”

For some of us it may not be just ok, but required.

Depends on the kid, context, point. But, as others have said there certainly isn’t any obligation for the parent to provide any information regarding their sexual history. That is, not lie but simply not discuss. Any reference by the parent would be at their choice and somehow related to teaching their children appropriate values.

Do you admit to your children that you cheated on your husband and regret it, when promoting wholesome sexual values? Where does the openess end?

 

[Frank_Drebin]

That is giving details. Teach morality to your children with honesty, and not lies. Who is talking about being “chummy” here? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, “Oh honey, in the past I made some terrible mistakes that way, and they really hurt me for years. I don’t want to give details and re-live those experiences, but you know I love your more than life, and all I will say is I paid a hard price and it would break my heart if I saw you go through what I went through.”

Got it.

Asking a parent if they had premarital sex is normal and okay. Asking them for names is somehow inappropriate.

 

[silentfactor80]

From what I could see, she stated what she did regarding a daughter because a daughter would be more likely to ask her, the mother, about past premarital encounters. Plus, she was looking back at her own mistakes regarding what her mother had shared and how she, as a daughter, reacted to it.

If she had a son who was compelled to know such things, he would probably be asking his father, not his mother, about past encounters, so it’s not likely she’d be the one addressing that issue.

Sorry, but I wasn’t able to pull her valuing the virginity of a future daughter over a future son from what she had posted.

Perhaps this attitude is why this is even an issue. I never took dating advice from men about women. If I wanted advice about women I asked women. If more parents had “the talk” together with their kids the kiddies could get both perspectives and be comfortable talking to both. Otherwise that is how stereotypes persist. If your daughter is going to be doing it with guys then dad is probably a better resource because he knows how guys think. Mom is just going to tell what her preference is which could be different from the daughters. Mom can’t help a daughter understand a guy in the way a dad can. The same is true for boys and dads.

For a boy, his mother will define his idea of what a woman is. If the boy is to have a healthy relationship with women then mom can’t hide under the kitchen table from him. The same is true of dads and daughters. If a mom or dad felt the son or daughter was the other parents responsibility respectively in this department then that is a shame.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Yes, I am sure. We as a culture teach are children that no question is a stupid question - what is to be expected. I would never say to my child, “That is non of your business.” It’s demeaning, rude, belittling…etc… There are much more affirming ways to answer and get my point across.

In the case of a CCD class atmosphere, it proved a wonderful opportunity to teach God’s grace and forgiveness. No one has ever lived perfectly. No one.

1. Lots of questions are stupid questions (I couldn’t care less what we as a culture teaches), but you don’t have to say it that way. I asked my grandparents how much money they made, and they told me it was none of their business. That was a stupid question. I learned that I wasn’t supposed to ask certain questions, and was also taught that parents are children are not the same.
2. There were two perfect people, though one had the advantage of being God.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in my day and age it would be considered extremely rude and inappropriate to ask that question of anyone - - - family members included.

I think the person asking it needs to be taught that just because they ask the question, does not mean they deserve to get an answer.

I think a very firm, polite " That’s awfully personal" would suffice as a response.

By the time I was at an uinquisitive enough age, i knew the boundaries for what I should ask and not ask. It just never occurred to me to be impertitnent enough to ask my mother that question. Dealing with these sorts of questions begins long before the curiosity arises. Having appropriate child-parents boundaries can head off a lot of these issues.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Agree with this. A parent doesn’t have to say “mind your own business” but can convey to a child that it’s not appropriate to ask such personal questions of anyone, including parents.

All this talk of “being honest” with your kids has me confused. Nobody owes their children any information regarding such matters- that doesn’t mean you have to lie and say you were chaste, but rather that they are asking a question they do not deserve an answer to.

I agree about honesty, but many who ride the honesty train still allow the belief of santa claus for young children, which is in fact a lie. It is hard to buy into the “never lie to your children” when you are inconsistent about applying that belief.

Some of course do not.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Christopher West’s , Crystalina and Jason Evert’s, Leah Daarow’s, Matt Fradd’s etc kids will all know the truth. If their past can be a witness to millions around the world, why can’t yours be, to your own kids?

Because Christopher West, Crystalina and Jason Evert, Leah Daarow, and Matt Fradd are not my children’s parents.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Perhaps this attitude is why this is even an issue. I never took dating advice from men about women. If I wanted advice about women I asked women. If more parents had “the talk” together with their kids the kiddies could get both perspectives and be comfortable talking to both. Otherwise that is how stereotypes persist. If your daughter is going to be doing it with guys then dad is probably a better resource because he knows how guys think. Mom is just going to tell what her preference is which could be different from the daughters. Mom can’t help a daughter understand a guy in the way a dad can. The same is true for boys and dads.

For a boy, his mother will define his idea of what a woman is. If the boy is to have a healthy relationship with women then mom can’t hide under the kitchen table from him. The same is true of dads and daughters. If a mom or dad felt the son or daughter was the other parents responsibility respectively in this department then that is a shame.

What the OP has said, nor how catholicmamajoy and I interpreted this, doesn’t mean that both parents wouldn’t be involved. But a daughter is more likely to go to mom and a son to dad, especially if it’s a spontaneous thing. Are there exceptions? Absolutely. One exception is that the daughter refuses to talk about certain things if dad is there. Do you think it needs to be an ultimatum that a child talk to both parents?

There needs to be some sensitivity to what the child is comfortable with when talking about personal matters. If my dad had tried to bully his way into a conversation like that my trust would have dropped fast.