Is it possible to find a Christian man who doesn’t have a wandering eye?

[Rozellelily]

It takes courage and self - honesty to admit it on CAF though so at least that is something

 

[Mhkc]

I have a problem with relations. With my wife, with my kids, with others around me. Often, I’m too proud to admit it and I lie to myself that I like it that way and I don’t intend to change.

I see 2 sides to this issue I think are worthy of attention. I am coming at this from the male perspective. 1) What about the self care of one’s female spouse as it relates to maintaining emotional and physical attraction? 2) What is ‘normal’ for a male in terms of control over the eyes and thoughts when it comes to the sex instinct?

*Note that I am coming from an never-been-married 44.5 year old male that is runs a non profit that grants scholarships in the nutritional space to doctors, nurses, and pharmacists, and is highly physically fit, and am for the most part, non ‘needing’ to produce further income the rest of my life…and am a prodigal return to the Catholic Faith after having lived a rather pagan life from 25-44 years old.

My retort:

1. If a female spouse ‘lets her body and mind go’ and gets fat, eats poorly, and become inflexible in compromise to a male- at what point is there culpability to the female spouse for 'turning off the male?"

• Vica Versa for the male- if the male, such as I, just nags, complains, sarcasms too much, changes my sense of humor too much to a cynical way, or loses the ‘ability to flirt and tease’ with a spouse in a legitmatley kind yet carefully playful enough way… while being respectful… is not the male culpable also for ‘losing the sexual emotional physical component’ ? Thus, leading to carrying thoughts of other women in the mind of oneself while engaging ones spouse?
• As in the case of ‘dating’ or courting- at what point is the female respectfully tactful, prudent, yet able to show affection in a way that is not base or imprudent …yet not playing the male to bow down and worship the ground a dating partner walks on?

1. If a male , in all sincere legit effort of truly walking with contrition is doing the necessary character developing challenges of faith… and paying attention to unwinding any false relational patterns adopted from the world, family of origin, past abuse/trauma/schoolings etc… then how culpable is the male for utilizing and developing social interacticve skills to elicit the most out of his particular choice of dating partner?

This is a challenging topic, I asked these questions to provoke positive development

 

[Rozellelily]

If a female spouse ‘lets her body and mind go’ and gets fat, eats poorly, and become inflexible in compromise to a male- at what point is there culpability to the female spouse for 'turning off the male?

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[Mhkc]

In one perspective, as it may seem that this topic is perhaps off limits or “reserved for personal preference” , due to the obviously plain fact that though sex a unanimous drive, like food, shelter, security…imho, it’s not possible to categorize it with the aforementiomed other human urges, drives, instincts. Why? Because it almost always requires - either in thought,
Or deed- two people. Where as the urge for food, shelter, security dont necessarily have that element.

Thus, this issue of wandering eyes in a male, can go for a female too. imho, and xp, Catholic faith practices to make contrite efforts to sin less, meaning really scrutinize my own culpability, tendency for my own inner narratives around sex be it naivety and deceit …and/or a host of other sarcastic, avoidant, generalizing, judgmentalistic, etc. Attitudes…then actually seek to “cut the fluff” on my own hogwash that drives “sinful”, illicit, wrong, use of the sex instinct.

If indeed, Kermit and Mrs piggy have issues with the inherent sexual tensions…THAT ESCALATE to sever relational emotional tensions which legitimately compromise the integrity of any commitment that is agreed upon, then yes I’d say that’s problematic, but sinful?

This is a very very difficult question. On one hand is not there exists a natural desire, tension, and anxiety around the sex instinct? And on the other hand, is it , however illusory, palpable that the whole God catholic movement agenda promoting a cafeteria style remedy to all humankind with one Jesus Christ standard? Thereby somewhat treating ALL HUMANITY the same? When in fact ALL HUMANITY is created individually unique in all probability?

Thus, is there not also a tension, anxiety existing with any real legit contrite effort in relating oneself to God via Christ in Catholicism?

As this issue of expectations around wandering eyes, be it female or male…and the expectations therof…is that not personal?

If asked: Would I be to bothered at my devoutly Cathoilc dating partner eye balling a very fit, handsome, young man? Not at all… I have no threat. If I do. Its me. Not her. That has the tangled emotional issue.

Imho: If the integrity of a relationship is gonna be compromised by looking…its time to split …its a trash deal for this guy. Trust is much deeper.

Of course, were talking looks only. If it persists into looming consistency, sounds like my partner might as well leave me. Oh pooh.

None of this is easy. I’m a prodigal return. From 25-44 yrs old, ave from the age of 30-35, I lived very pagan,agnostic, humanistic, pluralized. My perspective is shaped by that.

Imho, at this time, God has revealed what he has to me by HIS absence in my soul. I don’t advocate that path, nor would I ever accidentally mislead a soul to experience what I have in the great absence of God

 

[1ke]

My retort:

Neither the physical appearance of either spouse nor the emotional and loving relationship or lack of one is relevant.

A roving eye is 100% the fault of the rover and the use of their free will, not whatever condition the marriage might be in.

There is no blame to be placed on the spouse for the actions of the other.

As an aside: I find it odd you mention a woman “letting herself go” but not a man “letting himself go”— it can happen to either or both.

 

[Mhkc]

Vica Versa for the male

Thank you 1ke. I appreciate pointing that out. I see I did say vica versa, meaning same goes for either gender. But i did not say “letting himself go” in that phrasing…hope that captures the impartial intent I have.

 

[Daisy]

Sexual attraction is not shallow. Your husband or your boyfriend will be attracted to other women, too. But it doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to you. And hopefully you will find a person who you know loves you deeply for who you are, and has maturity and will-power. You will find that out when you begin to date them. How do they respect your boundaries? That makes all the difference.

 

[Rozellelily]

Would I be to bothered at my devoutly Cathoilc dating partner eye balling a very fit, handsome, young man? Not at all… I have no threat. If I do. Its me. Not her. That has the tangled emotional issue.

I think a lot of women are naturally more jealous then men.
Women are sent messages everyday about beauty and comparisons.
Men tend to get less jealous about good looking guys.
I don’t know if that is because traditionally men were not “expected” to be beautiful so they don’t place important on it?

They were expected to be good providers but now days women are “expected” to do that too (and look after children, and be attractive etc)…

Perhaps women are more contented but some guys think “grass is greener”?
Maybe lack of sex life is a factor (?) but either way i still think it is the mans responsibility if he has wandering eye.

 

[1ke]

They were expected to be good providers but now days women are “expected” to do that too (and look after children, and be attractive etc)…

Again, you have some issues related to looks and relationships that are not going to be solved here. You are making some gross generalizations and talking about “expectations” that frankly many people do NOT have.

I would encourage you to talk to a counselor about your issues with beauty, your body, and your feelings of unattractiveness and hoe that colors the way you view, and relate to, men.

I think a lot of women are naturally more jealous then men.

I think you are generalizing. I know men and women who tend towards jealousy and men and women who are secure in their relationship. Jealousy is a feeling based in inadequacy, rooted in envy and in insecurity.

 

[EndTimes]

As I tried to control myself, I found it very difficult. I still felt my eyes wander, only I was now fully aware of the fact.

So, you’re saying, that at this point in your life, you still have a wandering eye?

_

 

[Marek]

Isn’t that a loaded question? Sort of like do you still beat your wife?

At which point is it a wandering eye? If it’s whenever you look at another woman, then it cannot be a sin and it’s not something to ever be concerned about. If it’s if you have lustful feelings towards a woman you’re ogling, I don’t think you can call that a wandering eye.

If you think looking at a woman and thinking she’s beautiful without having lustful thoughts is sinful, I don’t think it’s healthy.

 

[EndTimes]

Isn’t that a loaded question?

No… Not at all… Your comments say that you have a wandering eye.

Not all males have such a wandering eye…

Hopefully you overcome such an eye

 

[Marek]

So, what is that wandering eye and when is it a problem?

 

[TheLittleLady]

A wandering eye is a colloquialism that describes looking in a lustful way at other people. It is a problem because lust is disordered.

 

[Marek]

Ok, so in that case, the question is flawed. There’s no way you can guess lustful thoughts and sinful intentions behind another person looking at you.

 

[Rozellelily]

Sorry but you can come across abit abrasive in manner sometimes

Sometime it’s good to self reflect to see if there is any tendency to project
It’s important also not to “look for things” in peoples posts (if that makes sense).

You are right it’s a generalisation. Sometimes we can only talk in generalisations…
My post was light “response direct to @Mhkc saying he doesn’t get jealous.
Naturally if do a 5 page essay on jealousy as a whole, across different cultures, age groups, genders and variables will of course cover everything in its entirety that can not be covered in small posts on forms/social media

Definitely, men that get jealous too (actually some extremely jealous) and some women that don’t get jealous at all ever etc…

Overall statistically, I personally believe women get more jealous then men (which studies support).

This is just my view. You might see different based off your American culture.
Its good to tolerate views that are not the same as your culture.

CAF is not just for Americentric Catholics.
There are Slavic Catholics, Middle Eastern Catholics, Indian Catholics, South America Catholics etc…

Everyone’s culture is different.

I don’t believe genders are the same, even though the Western world is trying to push that they are.
Men are more visual which is why there more men checkout women and “wander eye” than vice versa at shops.
Again, this doesn’t mean that women never checkout men

 

[EndTimes]

Ok, so in that case, the question is flawed. There’s no way you can guess lustful thoughts and sinful intentions behind another person looking at you.

Your statement seems very flawed
for you’ve already acknowledged that you’ve a wandering eye
because your wife saw you doing it…

Check it out.

I’m a married man and my wife recently pointed out I was looking at other women. To be honest, I never realized it, I was completely oblivious to the fact. I don’t think that I was looking at women lustfully, or that I was checking them out, but it was still a terrifying realization.
As I tried to control myself, I found it very difficult. I still felt my eyes wander, only I was now fully aware of the fact.

The question is Insulting for it suggests that it’s possible that no Christian man exists who doesn’t have a “wandering eye” - posted by a woman - who went Christmas Shopping in a BodySuit - and also wss unaware that her ‘cleavage’ way showing…

 

[Rozellelily]

At which point is it a wandering eye? If it’s whenever you look at another woman, then it cannot be a sin and it’s not something to ever be concerned about.

I think looking at a woman for beauty is different with looking sexually.

Some people might say it is still disrespectful if the wife is right next to him.

Another poster is right when she wrote that I will not be the only woman that my husband finds attractive (and vice versa).

Personally though, I want to totally make sure a guy is the “one” before I commit to get married so that there is no thought of “is grass greener” mentality a few years later once the honeymoon period wears off

 

[Rozellelily]

I don’t think respectability and modesty exclude a woman being “sexy.”

I think you are right.
Being sexy is an inner feeling although clothes can help

 

[Marek]

Marek:

Ok, so in that case, the question is flawed. There’s no way you can guess lustful thoughts and sinful intentions behind another person looking at you.

Your statement seems very flawed
for you’ve already acknowledged that you’ve a wandering eye
because your wife saw you doing it…

Moving the goalposts much? I commented that yeah, I glanced at other women even in the company of my wife and agreed that this may be wandering eye.
Then it was said that wandering eyes is when you look at a woman lustfully, I said that I don’t have a wandering eye and in such a case it’s impossible to say, anyone does unless you know their thoughts.
But that is judgmental. Don’t judge lest ye be judged yourself.

When I said that, you replied you’re confused because I admitted I have a wandering eye. What’s confusing about it if you read the whole discussion in order?