Is it wrong that I only date virgins?

[Corki]

Exactly. Honestly, I’m very surprised about a lot of the comments I’ve read…again, who you date is your business and you’re within your rights to come up with your own criteria for a future spouse, but my goodness…this just seems unreasonable to me. And keep in mind that this has nothing to do with extramarital sex being acceptable, it has to do with understanding repentance and conversion. Are we saying that you can judge a persons devotion and love of God and commitment to the pursuit of holiness by past actions? Especially actions of youth? **Are we gonna start excluding people from out possible “spouse list” because of other sins of their past? **

Again, it’s each individual’s business who they pursue…this is just my way of thinking.

To the bolded: yes.

When you are dating with the intent to find a spouse - everything matters. Some things matter a lot and somethings matter a little but you are making a life long decision.

Yes, people can reform their lives and no one is saying that someone who reforms is not “wife material”. But when looking at her as a potential spouse a man is going to have different “data” than if he is looking at a woman who was determined and successful in waiting until marriage.

Nor is someones devotion to God the only criteria for marriage. A woman can be a very devout person - with or without past discretions - and still not be “the one” for marriage to a particular man.

 

[Carlj1497]

It’s not bad to be a virgin and to want to marry a virgin. Your reasons are a bit unkind and fearful though. I’m seeing the words “repulsive” and “baggage” when you are talking about someone not being a virgin. These are people you are talking about.

What about widows or victims of rape? They haven’t done anything wrong. Are they also repulsive? Maybe I’m reading what you said wrong since I can’t see your face or hear your tone.

I do wish you well in finding a wife.

You’re kind of twisting my words. I never said the woman would be repulsive, I said the thought of my wife having sex with other men would be repulsive. I’m not saying, “Girls who aren’t virgins are repulsive!”

As for widows and victims of rape, that’s completely different. If a woman’s husband dies, or if she was a victim of rape, that’s a WHOLE lot different than a girl who willingly and knowingly gave away her gift of virginity to a man who wasn’t her husband.

 

[DMC12]

first of all, accept one thing: this has nothing to do with religion, it is just your fears.
second ask this: is it worth to do choices based on fear? specially choices such as who would you spend the rest of your life with. you might be letting your perfect match to go away because of fear.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wasn’t being serious. I thought it would be obvious but I guess it is harder to communicate than I thought. Everybody seems too concerned about the poor girl who’s turned her life around and is now being rejected. I mean, so what? She’ll probably spend all of a minute thinking about it and then move on to someone else. I know I’ve been rejected for far more trivial and embarrassing reasons that not being a virgin.

Exactly. She might think about it for longer than a minute, but it is better that he disclose the things that make a profound difference to him right up front, especially those things she cannot change. It is not as if he shared her disclosure with anyone else or thinks that no virgin ought to yada yada whatever somebody might try to put on the whole rest of the world. He is only concerned that it be OK for him to decide against marrying someone for this reason and that it is OK for him to sort his dating prospects accordingly.

Well, of course it is OK! Let us put it this way: No one here would think that anyone has the right to conceal his or her sexual history from a prospective spouse. If it is important to them, you ought to disclose it, or else make non-disclosure one of your non-negotiable requirements for marriage. Why do they have a right to ask for disclosure? Because they might decide not to marry you if your past has things in it that they can’t give their life to. It is their life they are handing over, that is their right! If it were wrong to reject someone because of something in their past, why would the fiancé have any right to know any of the details of that past? They wouldn’t.

The OP is simply getting this on the table before stringing someone along when they could’ve saved themselves a lot of trouble right up front. I think it is wise. If he feels differently about the matter in the future, he can change his mind later. That is his prerogative, too. The truth is, if he considers putting this concern of his aside because he’s attracted to a woman who is not a virgin, I would argue that she ought to be told he has felt that way. These feelings have a way of coming back around again, of rising and falling. Anyone who marries him needs to know he’s had these concerns.

 

[DMC12]

The OP is simply getting this on the table before stringing someone along when they could’ve saved themselves a lot of trouble right up front. I think it is wise. If he feels differently about the matter in the future, he can change his mind later. That is his prerogative, too. The truth is, if he considers putting this concern of his aside because he’s attracted to a woman who is not a virgin, I would argue that she ought to be told he has felt that way. These feelings have a way of coming back around again, of rising and falling. Anyone who marries him needs to know he’s had these concerns.

living in fear is not ok.

 

[Corki]

living in fear is not ok.

Calling someone’s legitimate concerns a “fear” is not ok.

 

[EasterJoy]

living in fear is not ok.

Ignoring how you really feel and getting married as if you feel as someone else thinks you “ought” to feel is what is not OK, to my mind, but to each his own.

Yes, yes, I know: “Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.” If you want to ignore your own intuition and marry someone who gives you pause, to d*&n the torpedoes and take what comes for better or for worse, have at it. Take San Juan Hill with Teddy, my friend. When it is someone else choosing a bride or a groom, though, help them to know their own mind and then leave them alone about it.

 

[brinkman2310]

I’m curious as to whether the original poster and the women he’s dating have the same definition of virginity.

 

[maryjk]

I don’t just blatantly ask them, “So uh, are you a virgin or not?”. I explain to them that God is very important to me, and that he plays a big role in my life. Therefore, it is very important that I try to the best of my ability to follow his rules. I** then explain what intercourse means to me,** and I then ask if she feels the same way. I also ask her if our relationship were to get more serious, if she’d be willing to wait. So far, most of the girls have been virgins who are waiting. And they seem pretty impressed that a 20 year old guy actually views sex as something more that physical pleasure.

I’m curious as to whether the original poster and the women he’s dating have the same definition of virginity.

Yep, He asks them about, after he explains what he believes is “sex.”

 

[cath91]

Maybe you should consider chastity, rather than virginity. It seems limiting to say you wouldn’t date a girl who, for instance, lost her virginity in high school because she was 100% certain (as only 16-year-old girls can be) that she would someday marry her boyfriend. If she has returned to living in chastity before she meets you, I hope you wouldn’t forgo a relationship based on that.
I would love it if the man I will marry is a virgin when I meet him, but I recognise that due to this modern culture that devalues sex, there is a chance he won’t be. So I hope that he is chaste as a minimum requirement, so to speak.
Of course, it is your life and you are completely entitled to refuse to date women who have had sex before! If it is something that you cannot move past, then you don’t have to.

 

[Kamaduck]

I am a practicing virgin, and I only date girls who are also saving it. Why? Well, to me anyways, a boyfriend-girlfriend relashionship isn’t just for fun. It’s about finding someone who could be a potential spouse, and then seeing if you two are compatible. Now, I’m not mean to girls who have or have had premarital sex. However, I know that sex isn’t just physical, and there is a list of reasons that I don’t want to date someone who’s had sex before. These reasons include:

• The person will most likely still have feelings for others that they have slept with
• There is a chance of catching some sort of STD
• There will be the fear of not “performing” as well as the person’s previous sexual partners
• I would never date a girl who was previously married, so why would I date a girl who was previously “spiritually” married through intercourse?
• The thought of my wife having sex with other men would make me sad
• The thought of being in my wife, where other men have been, is repulsive

Is this wrong? The way I look at it, they’re just personal preferences. Like how I prefer brunettes to blondes, or how I prefer short girls to tall ones. Like I said, I don’t hate women who are promiscuous, I just don’t think they’re wife material for me.

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with this. You need to be sure to respect everyone, but I don’t think you have any obligation to date them if this is a deal-breaker for you. I would caution you that it’s hard to know what God’s plans are for you, but I wouldn’t say this is a bad baseline rule.

No, but the chances of meeting a Catholic virgin girl who watches porn seem pretty unlikely.

This part is inaccurate. I suppose it depends on what exactly you consider porn, but I know lots of Christian girls who are “saving it for marriage” and don’t see any conflict between that and, say, reading erotic literature. There are many more who have looked at questionable (or obviously pornographic) material on occasion and who later decided to avoid it. It’s kind of silly to assume that no Catholic virgin has ever looked at porn. You’re allowed to draw your personal line wherever you want to, but don’t assume that huge swaths of people are chaste (or have always been chaste) just because they haven’t had sex with a man.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I am a practicing virgin, and I only date girls who are also saving it. Why? Well, to me anyways, a boyfriend-girlfriend relashionship isn’t just for fun. It’s about finding someone who could be a potential spouse, and then seeing if you two are compatible. Now, I’m not mean to girls who have or have had premarital sex. However, I know that sex isn’t just physical, and there is a list of reasons that I don’t want to date someone who’s had sex before. These reasons include:

• The person will most likely still have feelings for others that they have slept with
• There is a chance of catching some sort of STD
• There will be the fear of not “performing” as well as the person’s previous sexual partners
• I would never date a girl who was previously married, so why would I date a girl who was previously “spiritually” married through intercourse?
• The thought of my wife having sex with other men would make me sad
• The thought of being in my wife, where other men have been, is repulsive

Is this wrong? The way I look at it, they’re just personal preferences. Like how I prefer brunettes to blondes, or how I prefer short girls to tall ones. Like I said, I don’t hate women who are promiscuous, I just don’t think they’re wife material for me.

Something like this is a personal choice.

But one problem that has been mentioned on here, also one I’ve experienced, is that sometimes women (and men) will exaggerate or lie about their past.

It is a sad situation, especially for folks who really care about such things, and since it’s important to you, I would be vetting women carefully then.

You may be surprised at how far even some of the devout will go.

The only other issue I see is that you are limiting yourself. Sometimes, people do make mistakes in life but strive to make amends.

I would also clarify your position sooner rather than later in a dating relationship.

Also, just because someone hasn’t had sex doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t have an STD. It’s possible to get some diseases like that other ways.

Don’t ever assume that just because someone is a virgin they are disease free. :dts:

 

[Carlj1497]

I don’t know why I didn’t post this sooner, but I’m pretty sure there’s a personal reason that I only date virgins. Growing up, all my mom told me and my brother was how important it was to save sex for marriage, and how it was just as important to find someone else who was saving it. Well, my brother ended up engaged to a woman who wasn’t a virgin. Soon after their engagement, she started cheating on him with the guy that she lost her virginity to. Then that guy got her pregnant. She told my brother that, even thoguh she loved him (my brother) she would never be able to rid her love of that man. My brother went crazy. I remember when I came into the kitchen one morning, and his arms were covered in blood. He was just sitting there, crying. I saw some broken glass by him, and I saw the cuts in his arms. Now, he is such a mess. He does drugs, he’s on tons of medications, and he’s always upset. Last time I talked to him, he said that he had been attending Satanic rituals. It really, really hurt me to see him like this. So, thinking about it, this probably played a HUGE role in me only wanting to date virgins. That, and the fact that God told us to save that for marriage. I can date a girl who’s stolen. I can date a girl who’s smoked (possibly). But a girl who gave away her gift, a gift meant for a husband, to someone else, well that’s just something I can’t handle. As I’ve said before, I respect nonvirgin girls, I don’t look down on them, I don’t find them gross or repulsive, they’re just not for me. But they shouldn’t worry, because most (if not all) other men really don’t care if a girl’s a virgin. Guess I’m just a little different.

And BTW, most people I know say “Practicing virgin”, meaning “Purposefully avoiding sex outside of marriage”.

 

[joshvanrad]

I don’t know why I didn’t post this sooner, but I’m pretty sure there’s a personal reason that I only date virgins. Growing up, all my mom told me and my brother was how important it was to save sex for marriage, and how it was just as important to find someone else who was saving it. Well, my brother ended up engaged to a woman who wasn’t a virgin. Soon after their engagement, she started cheating on him with the guy that she lost her virginity to. Then that guy got her pregnant. She told my brother that, even thoguh she loved him (my brother) she would never be able to rid her love of that man. My brother went crazy. I remember when I came into the kitchen one morning, and his arms were covered in blood. He was just sitting there, crying. I saw some broken glass by him, and I saw the cuts in his arms. Now, he is such a mess. He does drugs, he’s on tons of medications, and he’s always upset. Last time I talked to him, he said that he had been attending Satanic rituals. It really, really hurt me to see him like this. So, thinking about it, this probably played a HUGE role in me only wanting to date virgins. That, and the fact that God told us to save that for marriage. I can date a girl who’s stolen. I can date a girl who’s smoked (possibly). But a girl who gave away her gift, a gift meant for a husband, to someone else, well that’s just something I can’t handle. As I’ve said before, I respect nonvirgin girls, I don’t look down on them, I don’t find them gross or repulsive, they’re just not for me. But they shouldn’t worry, because most (if not all) other men really don’t care if a girl’s a virgin. Guess I’m just a little different.

And BTW, most people I know say “Practicing virgin”, meaning “Purposefully avoiding sex outside of marriage”.

I see a lot of conflict here. I would agree with the “fear” statements.

 

[Kamaduck]

I don’t know why I didn’t post this sooner, but I’m pretty sure there’s a personal reason that I only date virgins. Growing up, all my mom told me and my brother was how important it was to save sex for marriage, and how it was just as important to find someone else who was saving it. Well, my brother ended up engaged to a woman who wasn’t a virgin. Soon after their engagement, she started cheating on him with the guy that she lost her virginity to. Then that guy got her pregnant. She told my brother that, even thoguh she loved him (my brother) she would never be able to rid her love of that man. My brother went crazy. I remember when I came into the kitchen one morning, and his arms were covered in blood. He was just sitting there, crying. I saw some broken glass by him, and I saw the cuts in his arms. Now, he is such a mess. He does drugs, he’s on tons of medications, and he’s always upset. Last time I talked to him, he said that he had been attending Satanic rituals. It really, really hurt me to see him like this. So, thinking about it, this probably played a HUGE role in me only wanting to date virgins.

Wow. Well, it’s certainly understandable that you’d want to avoid that, but it’s not really a forgone conclusion that any woman who is no longer a virgin is going to leave you and cause you to become a satanist, especially if she’s been committed to chastity for several years. But no, I don’t blame you for trying to avoid that ending.

That, and the fact that God told us to save that for marriage. I can date a girl who’s stolen. I can date a girl who’s smoked (possibly). But a girl who gave away her gift, a gift meant for a husband, to someone else, well that’s just something I can’t handle. As I’ve said before, I respect nonvirgin girls, I don’t look down on them, I don’t find them gross or repulsive, they’re just not for me. But they shouldn’t worry, because most (if not all) other men really don’t care if a girl’s a virgin. Guess I’m just a little different.

You did, in fact, use the word “repulsive” in the OP. I think you should be really careful before saying you don’t look down on nonvirgins, when you describe one as having given away “her gift”, as though virginity is the only thing a woman has to offer. I know that’s not what you meant, but maybe it’s some food for thought. Wanting to marry a virgin is a good thing, but try not to fall into devaluing your sisters in Christ.

 

[Carlj1497]

I’m really sorry if I offended anyone, I didn’t mean to. Let me try to clarify. I like rap. Some of my friends like country. I don’t hate country, or think it sucks, or even think the music’s bad. It just doesn’t click with me. Same thing here. I don’t hate nonvirgin girls, or look down on them, or anything like that. But personally, I couldn’t date one, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Once again, really sorry, didn’t mean any harm.

 

[Carlj1497]

You did, in fact, use the word “repulsive” in the OP.

Yes, but I didn’t refer to nonvirgins as “repulsive”. I said that thinking about them with other men, or being where other men have been, is to me, repulsive.

 

[Virga]

Nothing wrong with dating only virgins… So long as OP can recognize the dignity present within others and doesn’t view anyone as inferior, he’s not necessarily doing wrong by having his preferences.

Just to reiterate what others have said though, a person being a virgin doesn’t always mean s/he is living chastely.

I do think you are affected by your brother’s experience. You might not be able to help your feelings, at least on your own, but still, try to understand that even though the woman involved in that situation was not a virgin, it doesn’t mean that all people who are no longer virgins would do the same.

But like I said, you can choose to date whom you’d like.
Just pray for God to guide you and be open to His will.

Yep, He asks them about, after he explains what he believes is “sex.”

I think what OP meant by explaining “what intercourse means” to him was to explain his feelings about its significance and purpose.

 

[Kamaduck]

Yes, but I didn’t refer to nonvirgins as “repulsive”. I said that thinking about them with other men, or being where other men have been, is to me, repulsive.

I get that, and it’s good that you know how you’d feel about it. As far as I’m concerned, your current attitude is fine. It’s just that you want to be careful what you say about people. It’s a really good thing to want to be chaste, especially in our current culture. Unfortunately, it sometimes does lead guys to think of nonvirgins as damaged goods, or to disrespect women who have been chaste for years. You’re fine right now, but it’s important to avoid falling into elitism or pride.

Basically, keep up the good work, and don’t let your strength in this area lead to pride or to disrespect of your sisters in Christ.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Exactly. She might think about it for longer than a minute, but it is better that he disclose the things that make a profound difference to him right up front, especially those things she cannot change. It is not as if he shared her disclosure with anyone else or thinks that no virgin ought to yada yada whatever somebody might try to put on the whole rest of the world. He is only concerned that it be OK for him to decide against marrying someone for this reason and that it is OK for him to sort his dating prospects accordingly.

Well, of course it is OK! Let us put it this way: No one here would think that anyone has the right to conceal his or her sexual history from a prospective spouse. If it is important to them, you ought to disclose it, or else make non-disclosure one of your non-negotiable requirements for marriage. Why do they have a right to ask for disclosure? Because they might decide not to marry you if your past has things in it that they can’t give their life to. It is their life they are handing over, that is their right! If it were wrong to reject someone because of something in their past, why would the fiancé have any right to know any of the details of that past? They wouldn’t.

The OP is simply getting this on the table before stringing someone along when they could’ve saved themselves a lot of trouble right up front. I think it is wise. If he feels differently about the matter in the future, he can change his mind later. That is his prerogative, too. The truth is, if he considers putting this concern of his aside because he’s attracted to a woman who is not a virgin, I would argue that she ought to be told he has felt that way. These feelings have a way of coming back around again, of rising and falling. Anyone who marries him needs to know he’s had these concerns.

I don’t think that anyone has said that it’s wrong or immoral to have the “standard” that he does. Even the people who have questioned the wisdom or maturity behind the preference have been sure to state that he is free to date or not as he wishes.

However, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to point out how this might not be the best system. (Just because he’s free to make the choice doesn’t mean it’s the wisest one.) The OP is 20. Between the all of the people who have posted on this thread there have to be at least three centuries of wisdom and experience posted in response. It is valuable for younger people who are just starting out to hear the perspectives of people who have already walked that path and have more insights.

Frankly, a lot of good issues have been raised. For example: it seems he values virginity above chastity, he might be excluding someone that god is calling him to be with, he’s prying into things that aren’t his business, and the fact that his issues seem to revolve around his own insecurities and fears.

While I think that he has a right to have his position, and that people ready for marriage could have that standard, I think that it is at least a red flag. People who are truly ready for marriage tend to be better at keeping the past in perspective, are able to be secure in their romantic relationship, don’t project their own insecurities on to others, etc. All of this concern about “baggage” also reveals a less mature state of mind. So-called “baggage” is a concern, but sexual baggage is just the least of it. Over the course of the next 10 years his life will unfold, as will the lives of those around him. He will see what baggage from past child abuse, health problems, any of the many mistakes that people make in their late teens/early 20’s/mid 20’s, credit card and student loan debt, unemployment, and so many other things looks like. Those are all things that adults deal with, and they are all things that people entering into marriage burden each other with, and all of them are more difficult and more serious than a years-ago, repented-from sexual past. If he can’t handle the latter, I have my doubts about his ability to handle everything listed in the former.