Is sex before marriage truly immoral in EVERY SINGLE circumstance?

[The_Bucket]

Interesting point. But how, when a couple just fancy a night in with some Barry White and a fine wine are they meant to contemplate the implications of your God and I suppose every other god, before getting ‘jiggy with it’ - Are you serious? Talk about a passion killer.

If Catholics can contemplate all that and still ‘rise to the occasion’ then I applaud every last one of them:choocho:

At a certain point I wonder where the genuine curiosity ends and the trolling begins. God is omnipotent and omniscient. He also sees the history of humanity unfold all at once. All is the present for God. The Big Bang to the end of the physical world is all one to Him. That is how Christ’s sacrifice happened at one point in time for humanity but saved all throughout history.

So just because God can see the mundane to the intimate to the grotesque that makes him some kind of voyeur? That’s a really warped way of thinking. Perhaps if I were in the spot of being able to see people have sex, use the restroom, give birth and die I would be a disturbing voyeur, but then again I’m not the all-powerful, all-loving God. Which is certainly good news for all people!

Em is quite right. Do I consciously think about God every time I have marital relations? No. Do I even think about Him sometimes? No. I think it’s happened a few times in my life and that’s about it (excluding passionate exclamations which don’t count). But my actions speak louder than conscious thoughts. Being open to life and unity with my wife with each action proves that I am thinking, in total, about the gift of sexuality and God’s plan for it. Just because I’m not thinking about God looking down on me when I’m in that moment doesn’t mean I don’t consider it as a general rule.

That’s like saying do you always think about God when you’re helping a neighbor? Well no. I’m thinking about helping my neighbor. But as a general rule I know that helping my neighbor pleases God. I don’t need to think in that moment about how I’m pleasing God by being a good neighbor in order to actually fulfill that task.

 

[Ophelia23]

Interesting point. But how, when a couple just fancy a night in with some Barry White and a fine wine are they meant to contemplate the implications of your God and I suppose every other god, before getting ‘jiggy with it’ - Are you serious? Talk about a passion killer.

If Catholics can contemplate all that and still ‘rise to the occasion’ then I applaud every last one of them:choocho:

Sex is holy. Keeping this in mind is by no stretch a passion killer.

And thank you for the applause.

 

[Married39]

This is a touchy subject and everyone has an opinion. In the 40’s and 50’s, lots of people were virgins when they married because they were married at 17, 18, 19 years old. That was then, this is now. Most people nowadays marry in their late 20’s, early 30’s. Remaining a virgin that long is not fair or realistic. Our prime years of sexuality are in our teens and 20’s.

How many young couples being married in a church are virgins? I would bet less than 1%.

I think monogamy is a wonderful thing and encourage it, I don’t preach to others. If it was mortal sin and we are going to purgatory for it then heaven will be a pretty empty space since everyone I know has had pre-marital sex.

Some of the nicest girls I have met lost their virginity in high school. Most regret having sex that young but I don’t condemn them for it.

Nowadays with the music and entertainment industry which I despise by the way, girls see these starlets wearing next to nothing with their butts and cleavage on display.

It’s natural for a girl growing up to have a rebellious stage before growing up. Unfortunately sex has become a way of doing that.

If a girl truly loves a person and is intimate with them, it isn’t my place to pass judgement on them.

 

[aprilfloyd]

This is a touchy subject and everyone has an opinion. In the 40’s and 50’s, lots of people were virgins when they married because they were married at 17, 18, 19 years old. That was then, this is now. Most people nowadays marry in their late 20’s, early 30’s. Remaining a virgin that long is not fair or realistic. Our prime years of sexuality are in our teens and 20’s.

How many young couples being married in a church are virgins? I would bet less than 1%.

I think monogamy is a wonderful thing and encourage it, I don’t preach to others. If it was mortal sin and we are going to purgatory for it then heaven will be a pretty empty space since everyone I know has had pre-marital sex.

Some of the nicest girls I have met lost their virginity in high school. Most regret having sex that young but I don’t condemn them for it.

Nowadays with the music and entertainment industry which I despise by the way, girls see these starlets wearing next to nothing with their butts and cleavage on display.

It’s natural for a girl growing up to have a rebellious stage before growing up. Unfortunately sex has become a way of doing that.

If a girl truly loves a person and is intimate with them, it isn’t my place to pass judgement on them.

:choocho:

 

[aemcpa]

I think monogamy is a wonderful thing and encourage it, I don’t preach to others. If it was mortal sin and we are going to purgatory for it then heaven will be a pretty empty space since everyone I know has had pre-marital sex.

Mortal sin leads to Hell, not purgatory. The souls in purgatory are guaranteed to go to Heaven for all eternity; the souls in Hell are guaranteed to stay in Hell for all eternity.

Some of the nicest girls I have met lost their virginity in high school. Most regret having sex that young but I don’t condemn them for it.

If they regret it, then they should confess it and be absolved of their sins. It isn’t your job to condemn them, but it is your job to admonish the sinner and call him or her to repentance.

If a girl truly loves a person and is intimate with them, it isn’t my place to pass judgement on them.

“True love waits.” A couple who has sex outside of marriage doesn’t truly and fully love each other, because they are both selfishly indulging their own passions and allowing the other to fall into sin. If you love someone, the last thing you would ever want to do is to make it easier for your beloved to commit sin.

 

[JimG]

The question was: “Is sex before marriage truly immoral in every single circumstance?” and the answer is, yes, it is.

It is not our place to condemn anyone for premarital sex. Pointing out that it is immoral in every single circumstance does not mean condemning the individual. It simply acknowledges the truth of morality and what is right and wrong.

If a child asked his mother, “is it wrong to bully others in every single circumstance,” she would probably answer yes it is, rather than trying to think of exceptions.

It was noted by another poster that marriage is no guarantee of a loving and stable home if the parents are dysfunctional, immature, selfish, self-centered, or alcoholic. That’s true, marriage presumes maturity. Marriage vows are for a lifetime. Persons who are dysfunctional ought not to be getting married or engaging in sex outside of marriage.

And persons who are ready for marriage should get married before ratifying with their bodies the commitment they have made with their mind, heart, and will. Don’t make promises with your body that your mind and will do not intend to keep. That would just be lying.

 

[thewanderer]

This is a touchy subject and everyone has an opinion. In the 40’s and 50’s, lots of people were virgins when they married because they were married at 17, 18, 19 years old. That was then, this is now. Most people nowadays marry in their late 20’s, early 30’s. Remaining a virgin that long is not fair or realistic. Our prime years of sexuality are in our teens and 20’s.

Hi, I’m in my mid-twenties and still a virgin. So is my fiance. If I were not getting married to him this year I assure you that there is still absolutely no way I would have sex outside of marriage, even if that meant me waiting until I was 55. This is in no way “unfair” or “unrealistic”. We can’t change the nature of humanity, or marriage, orsexuality. Failing to accept the reality and living according to it causes SO much grief and heartache for people, no matter what aspect of reality it is. Its not a matter of fair or unfair, its a matter of trying to help people recognize truths about the way things are so that they can avoid their own heartbreaks.

Also, please know that I am not judgemental towards those who have premarital sex. Everyone makes mistakes, and they all have to suffer the consequences of them. Such people deserve our love and pity, not condemnation. However, that doesn’t change the way reality is. Helping them understand reality so that they can act in accord with it instead of unkowingly acting against it causing them untold harm is one of the most charitable things you can do.

 

[Kelfa28]

“True love waits.” A couple who has sex outside of marriage doesn’t truly and fully love each other, because they are both selfishly indulging their own passions and allowing the other to fall into sin. If you love someone, the last thing you would ever want to do is to make it easier for your beloved to commit sin.

My husband and I engaged in pre-marital sex. We are married now.

Do I not love him totally and completely just as any other married couple who has made a life-long commitment to each other, whether they have engaged in pre-marital sex or not?

You know what? Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married! Wow, imagine that!
Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married within the Church too!

So…does that still mean that we don’t love each other as husband and wife because we engaged in pre-marital sex?

I’ve confessed my sins, repented and stopped…but I can’t stand when other people imply that my marriage is doomed to failure, that I don’t love my husband, or whatever because I’ve engaged in pre-marital sex.

Is pre-marital sex wrong? Sure it is. It’s a grave matter that leads to mortal sin…but it doesn’t mean that a couple that does engage in it and then gets married…doesn’t love each other just as much as the married couple that waited.

 

[aemcpa]

My husband and I engaged in pre-marital sex. We are married now.

Do I not love him totally and completely just as any other married couple who has made a life-long commitment to each other, whether they have engaged in pre-marital sex or not?

You know what? Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married! Wow, imagine that!
Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married within the Church too!

So…does that still mean that we don’t love each other as husband and wife because we engaged in pre-marital sex?

I’ve confessed my sins, repented and stopped…but I can’t stand when other people imply that my marriage is doomed to failure, that I don’t love my husband, or whatever because I’ve engaged in pre-marital sex.

Is pre-marital sex wrong? Sure it is. It’s a grave matter that leads to mortal sin…but it doesn’t mean that a couple that does engage in it and then gets married…doesn’t love each other just as much as the married couple that waited.

You didn’t love each other then as much as you do now or the way you do now, or you wouldn’t have helped each other to commit sin. Would you help each other commit adultery now?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Short answer is Yes, it is always immoral.

Without the covenant of marriage, there is no guarantee that the couple will stay together. Marriage is a life-long commitment before God. If they had sex before they were married, and the woman got pregnant, the man could still back out, because he is not committed to the woman in the same way as if he were married.

I used to hear this a lot when I was a teenager and everyone was pushing abstinence. It made my skin crawl then and it still does now.

If I’m with a man who would leave a woman because he got her pregnant and not have a role in his child’s life then that is someone I wouldn’t want to marry, and I think I would be grateful that I found that out about them before we got married. I would not want someone with me or raising my child just because they were “trapped” into doing so.

That being said there are some reasonable arguments against premarital sex out there, but I’ve never thought this is one of them.

 

[Em_in_FL]

The question was: “Is sex before marriage truly immoral in every single circumstance?” and the answer is, yes, it is.

It is not our place to condemn anyone for premarital sex. Pointing out that it is immoral in every single circumstance does not mean condemning the individual. It simply acknowledges the truth of morality and what is right and wrong.

EXACTLY!!!

No one is saying we should “condemn” people who make mistakes at all!
We’re all human and we all sin.

But sin still needs to be called SIN.

 

[Dorothy]

My husband and I engaged in pre-marital sex. We are married now.

Do I not love him totally and completely just as any other married couple who has made a life-long commitment to each other, whether they have engaged in pre-marital sex or not?

You know what? Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married! Wow, imagine that!
Some couples that have engaged in pre-marital sex get married within the Church too!

So…does that still mean that we don’t love each other as husband and wife because we engaged in pre-marital sex?

I’ve confessed my sins, repented and stopped…but I can’t stand when other people imply that my marriage is doomed to failure, that I don’t love my husband, or whatever because I’ve engaged in pre-marital sex.

Is pre-marital sex wrong? Sure it is. It’s a grave matter that leads to mortal sin…but it doesn’t mean that a couple that does engage in it and then gets married…doesn’t love each other just as much as the married couple that waited.

Blessings to you and your husband!

 

[PatriceA]

The question was: “Is sex before marriage truly immoral in every single circumstance?” and the answer is, yes, it is.

It is not our place to condemn anyone for premarital sex. Pointing out that it is immoral in every single circumstance does not mean condemning the individual. It simply acknowledges the truth of morality and what is right and wrong.

If a child asked his mother, “is it wrong to bully others in every single circumstance,” she would probably answer yes it is, rather than trying to think of exceptions.

It was noted by another poster that marriage is no guarantee of a loving and stable home if the parents are dysfunctional, immature, selfish, self-centered, or alcoholic. That’s true, marriage presumes maturity. Marriage vows are for a lifetime. Persons who are dysfunctional ought not to be getting married or engaging in sex outside of marriage.

And persons who are ready for marriage should get married before ratifying with their bodies the commitment they have made with their mind, heart, and will. Don’t make promises with your body that your mind and will do not intend to keep. That would just be lying.

This.

 

[Kelfa28]

You didn’t love each other then as much as you do now or the way you do now, or you wouldn’t have helped each other to commit sin. Would you help each other commit adultery now?

No…I wouldn’t say we “helped” each other to commit sin.

We had no idea it was wrong. That is the truth. I didn’t know it was wrong until just before I started RCIA and I thumbed through the Catechism. I bought the lie that you need to “test drive” your relationship before you got married.

Do I love my husband more now? We are married…so, of course I do. But my love for him was always growing in leaps and bounds…even before we got married. It will continue to grow until the day we part from this life.

Because I didn’t know what we were doing was wrong…it’s a totally mute point whether or not I’d help my husband commit adultery after marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

No…I wouldn’t say we “helped” each other to commit sin.

We had no idea it was wrong. That is the truth. I didn’t know it was wrong until just before I started RCIA and I thumbed through the Catechism. I bought the lie that you need to “test drive” your relationship before you got married.

Do I love my husband more now? We are married…so, of course I do. But my love for him was always growing in leaps and bounds…even before we got married. It will continue to grow until the day we part from this life.

Because I didn’t know what we were doing was wrong…it’s a totally mute point whether or not I’d help my husband commit adultery after marriage.

At least this time it was just that you didn’t love him before you were married. Usually when people say things like that it’s “What makes you think you won’t cheat on each other? If you would have sex with someone who isn’t your spouse then you’d do it now”, and “Because of what you guys did you have nothing but baggage and will never experience true, holy sex with each other”.

I totally get being against premarital sex, but passing judgements like these on others’ marriages and relationships is counterproductive and wrong.

 

[CatholicServant]

Here is what is said :

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:1-40

I agree that there must be a pre-relationship courtship that may last several month without sex but once you truly feel in love and want to be with that person forever, I truly have a hard time understanding how it is immoral to have sex before marriage.

To be perfectly honest I think this whole rule of “no sex before marraige” is not an absolute. I think that when you have the intention to love and to stay together and to have children with the person you are with, to me I don’t think there is sexual immorality.

But since I don’t want to lean on my own understanding I would very much appreciate some of your insights and opinions.

Thank you very much in advance and have a wonderful day
Marie

Hi Marie,

Welcome to the forums - to answer your question - yes, it is always a sin to have sex outside of marriage. You are doing what a lot of us do to rationalize something that we selfishly want to do - you are superimposing your own thoughts/ideas/beliefs over what Jesus taught and what the Church teaches as was given her by Jesus through His Apostles and Successors. Please get a copy of the Catechism and review what the Church teaches about sexual immorality. God Bless you.

 

[Kelfa28]

At least this time it was just that you didn’t love him before you were married. Usually when people say things like that it’s “What makes you think you won’t cheat on each other? If you would have sex with someone who isn’t your spouse then you’d do it now”, and “Because of what you guys did you have nothing but baggage and will never experience true, holy sex with each other”.

I totally get being against premarital sex, but passing judgements like these on others’ marriages and relationships is counterproductive and wrong.

I completely agree.

I get we weren’t married…but that still doesn’t mean that I would have cheated on him…or he would have cheated on me before I walked down the aisle.

 

[The_Bucket]

At least this time it was just that you didn’t love him before you were married. Usually when people say things like that it’s “What makes you think you won’t cheat on each other? If you would have sex with someone who isn’t your spouse then you’d do it now”, and “Because of what you guys did you have nothing but baggage and will never experience true, holy sex with each other”.

The first argument is ridiculous and the second holds the tiniest thimble of water in terms of the “baggage” that comes with premarital sex. However, that baggage comes from our own human frailty and weakness and inability to put the past in the past.

My friends who engaged in premarital sex do regret it and do wish they had gotten off to a different start. But the point is that the matter is confessed, they’ve repented and they are married now. The only baggage that hangs around is there because sometimes we as frail humans doubt God’s ability to wipe away sin and forgive us.

I would hope my fellow Catholics would only talk about baggage in that there might be “nagging doubts” as a result of our human imperfections, not because God has any problems with us once we’ve repented and received absolution. Once that happens, it’s over. It’s done. We are tasked with moving forward, forgetting the things of the past and constantly striving to make our next step a step towards God.

The temporal impacts of things like adultery, promiscuity or addictive pornography use are far different than premarital sex within a relationship that leads to marriage. The forgiveness of God is equal in all cases but I think it’s way easier for spouses to move on from their pasts when they’ve been equally guilty of sin, committed it with one another and are now absolved versus betrayal by one spouse or the warped sense of what sex is all about that can come from a life of promiscuity or addictive pornography use.

 

[PetiteFoi]

I can only imagine the harm in telling our young people that chastity isn’t “realistic” or expected.
Lots of people, myself included and my husband were able to keep it in our pants until marriage.
To say it’s not realistic is insulting, just the fact alone that you insinuate young people have no self control, and so shouldn’t even try is so harmful.

Just because lots of people commit the same sin doesn’t make it less of one, or more acceptable.
-Petitefoi

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

 

[Debora123]

Ok, first, I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. We love each other deeply and it would take something astronomical to prevent us from marrying this fall. I truly understand that for a couple whose relationship has developed to the point that they’re ready to get married their relationship (emotions, trust in each other, security, etc) have developed to a point where they are ready for sex. They really have. I mean, its not like two people are like friends up until their wedding and then all of a sudden are ready for sex. There is a gradual deepening and maturing of the relationship that readies them for marriage such that in just about all aspects they are ready to give themselves fully to each other before they actually marry. So a lot of the problems that come along with sex outside of marriage have been removed in their situation. Because of this it makes it very tempting for them to think there is no real reason to wait, their relationship has deepened, their getting married in a few months anyway etc etc. However, having said that, there is still something missing. What is missing is that irrevocable and unconditional vow to commit oneself to the other. And that is no small matter.

I just want to preface this by saying that when I tell you not to have sex before marriage I am not just saying it because the Church says so, but rather, because from my understanding and experience of reality I am so completely convinced of this fact that it doesn’t matter if I suddenly became an atheist tomorrow, I would still be convinced that noone should have sex unless they have first made an explicit, irrevocable and unconditional commitment to the other. This is both because it is uncharitable to both people involved as well as being uncharitable to any childrren they may conceive.

Its uncharitable to the couple involved because the complete gift of self involved in sex is so deep, it opens oneself up to the other completely, one becomes completely naked and vulnerable, both in body, mind, and soul, before the other with immense potential for harm and pain to be inflicted on oneself if the other ever turns away from you. It is extremely uncharitable to ask someone, especially someone you truly love, to ask them for this complete gift of self without first giving them a binding promise of commitment. To do otherwise is essentially to tell them “I want you to open yourself up for me and become completely vulnerable before me such that me ever turning awway from you will cause you immense pain, harm, and heartache, and I want you to do this without me making a binding and unconditional promise that I will never leave you and will remain commited to you forever”. How unbelievably selfish is that demand!! If one truly understood the depth of self-giving, and the importance and dignity every single person deserves as a person, then how could one ever ask that of anyone, especially someone they love so dearly, without first making an explicit and binding commitment to them? They deserve better, You deserve better.

Secondly, this also effects any children that are conceived. Even if you use the pill or super conservative NFP there is still a chance that a child will be conceived. When you engage in sex before marriage you are essentially saying to any children you might conceive " I know that having a stable family is extremely important to your emotional health, development, and well-being, but I’m going to take a chance that you might come into existence without bothering to make an explicit and binding commitment to ensure that you will actually have the stable and loving home which you so badly need and deserve". Again, when you begin to look at what is really going on here it is actually incredibally selfish. Your own poor defenseless future children, would you really take a risk to bring them into existence without first ensuring not only that you personally make an explicit and binding commitment to establish a loving and stable home for them which they so desperately need and deserve but that their other parent also makes this same commitment?

While many, many aspects that are so important and necessary for a loving sexual relationship are in place once a couple have decided to get married, they are not all there, and it is actually incredibally selfish to not wait for that last and extremely important aspect, the binding and unconditional commitment of one spouse to the other. Without this, sex is always selfish, and so always immoral.

Wow! Amazing post!