Is the Church right in promoting marriage and demonizing cohabitation?

[psymajor]

The position of the Catholic Church is that marriage is a requirement for two people who want to be together. The justification for the position is that marriage is God’s plan for a man and woman who love each other (and that anything else is a perversion of God’s plan). I have been a Catholic my entire life (and I still am). But during the past year, I have become more skeptical with regards to what the church tells people to do.

My question is this: Why does the Catholic Church continue to promote an institution that is not helping people (and in many cases hurting them more)? Nowadays, cohabitation is on the rise in the United States (as well as other parts of the world). If the cohabitation trend continues, it is set to overtake marriage in the United States (as it already has in Scandinavia). Aside from a few minor legal benefits that most people don’t care about that much, marriage does not provide anything that cohabitation cannot provide to couples (love, companionship, happiness, sex, children, etc). If the relationship ends, marriage is a lot more harmful financially due to the legal costs associated with a divorce. Yes, with cohabitation there can still be a child custody battle (if children are involved). However, marriage has the potential for a child custody battle AND a divorce battle (making it much messier than cohabitation).

The reason I ask this question is that my parents, both of whom are Catholic, are going through a terrible divorce. Prior to the divorce, the marriage was a disaster. They got separated back in 2006 (when I was in high school). The divorce has lasted for a few years, but it’s not over yet. Collectively, they spent over $80,000 on attorney fees and it still is not over yet (and our family is low-income, not rich). The divorce was a financial disaster. I’m in college now and this is making things much harder. Honestly, I do not see the functional purpose that marriage serves. After I saw what happened with my parents, I’m thinking about turning my back on marriage altogether and just living with a girl out of wedlock instead.

This being said, why does the Catholic Church continue to tell people that marriage is the only way a man and woman can be together? People would not be turning away from marriage and doing cohabitation if marriage was really that much better. In the case of my parents, it turned out to be a lot worse. Anyway, I said quite a bit, so I will open it up for discussion.

 

[phoooiee]

What marriage provides that cohabitation does not is security and commitment.

Marriage (which is indissoluble- “divorce” is not really an option if one is in a truly valid marriage) is a total gift of the self. One cannot make a total gift of the self without entering into actual marriage.

 

[Monica4316]

There is one thing that cohabitation does not provide that marriage provides: God’s blessing for the couple to be together, and their union being acknowledged by Him and by the Church. I think that is rather a big deal… considering that it’s a difference between having a Sacrament (marriage in the Church) and committing mortal sin (cohabitation)

Another problem with cohabitation is that there’s not as much commitment… marriage is a lifelong commitment.

 

[ESMDHokie77]

sorry to hear about your parents, but we don’t know all the details about them and their situation doesn’t undermine the sacrament. Nothing can undermine sacraments.

Peace,
Phil

 

[po18guy]

The main difficulty that I see with your post is a perceived adversarial relationship between you and the Church. We are all physical members of Christ’s Body, but we must also be spiritual members. We join together with Him spiritually by giving our assent to His teachings, as presented by His Church, both through scripture, orally, and in writing.

First, the Church received her teaching authority, in matters of faith and morals, directly from Christ. In essence, what the Church teaches is what Christ would teach, were he here in His flesh. We cannot separate the Church and Christ, as they are inseparable. And, just as Christ taught, His Church also teaches. As with Christ, the Church teaches and provides standards of behavior that are considered unacceptable. These standards apply only to those who are members of the Church.

When a marriage fails, it is usually because one or both have failed to remain faithful to their vows. Here is the sticking point: We do not judge success by failure. We judge success by success. The exception proves the rule. That a high percentage of marriages fail does not reflect one bit on the efficacy of marriage. Rather, it is a reflection of failing to properly prepare for marriage, or entering into a marriage without a foundation of faith, on which marriage is based. Indeed, man-made marriages that exclude God may not be marriages at all, but only agreements to live together under civil law. They are a legal and binding contract that is termed a “marriage” under the law, but are not a marriage in the traditional form.

The reason that cohabitation begins to look like a viable alternative to marriage is simply because very few of these arrangements are recorded so that statistics may be kept. Their failure rate is certainly higher than marriage, since there is no binding contract or moral obligation between the two.

Having experienced my parents’ marriage fall apart in my mid-teens, I certainly know your emotions. But, a bad marriage does not make marriage bad. The Church is correct in her teaching, as difficult as her teaching is to accept.

 

[Gabriel_Serafin]

Yes. The Church teaches that sexual union is beautiful and sacred because it is intimately linked with the creation of a new and unique human being. Thus the sexual union is reserved for Holy Matrimony which is God’s way of creating a natural nest for a new human being—a sturdy nest made of a covenant between a man a woman and God.

Once you understand that at the heart of a healthy society is the human family you will begin to see why the Church teaches how important it is for men and women not to misuse the sacred gift which God has given us to participate in procreating unique human beings made in the image and likeness of God.

At the heart of society’s problems is the breakdown of the family. Statistics show that the vast majority of people in prison are the product of broken families and fatherless homes. Studies have also shown that people who cohabitate (live together before getting married) are much more likely to end in divorce than those who wait to get married. What’s more, the scourge of abortion can be directly linked to the widespread use of artificial contraception which took root in the late 1960s.

If you want to hear a talk that will completely change your life and understanding about why contraception and cohabitation is at the heat of today’s rotten society, please sit back ans listen to the following short talk by Prof. Janet Smith of the Pontifical Council on the Family:

PART 1
PART 2

 

[psymajor]

What marriage provides that cohabitation does not is security and commitment.

Marriage (which is indissoluble- “divorce” is not really an option if one is in a truly valid marriage) is a total gift of the self. One cannot make a total gift of the self without entering into actual marriage.

I understand what you are saying and I respect your opinion. However, I disagree with your statement. Marriage doesn’t provide true security, it provides legal control. It gives each spouse legal control over the other. If one spouse chooses to end the marriage, he/she can make life extremely difficult for the other spouse by taking a disproportionate amount of assets and creating a costly legal battle. Also, you have to consider that the legal contract can encourage people to cheat on one another. One spouse (who is unhappy with the marriage and lacks the $ for divorce) can decide to have a secret affair. The presence of a marriage contract does nothing to actually secure the relationship. The emotional relationship between the two people is the sole deciding factor in the longevity of the relationship.

There is one thing that cohabitation does not provide that marriage provides: God’s blessing for the couple to be together, and their union being acknowledged by Him and by the Church. I think that is rather a big deal… considering that it’s a difference between having a Sacrament (marriage in the Church) and committing mortal sin (cohabitation)

Another problem with cohabitation is that there’s not as much commitment… marriage is a lifelong commitment.

I know the part about God giving a spiritual blessing, but how does that really help people in their day to day lives? When my parents were still together, so many horrible things happened that many secular people around us did not have to deal with. It would have been nice to have that blessing prevent some of those events from happening.

sorry to hear about your parents, but we don’t know all the details about them and their situation doesn’t undermine the sacrament. Nothing can undermine sacraments.

Peace,
Phil

Basically what happened is that my parents were immigrants from Poland. They got married in the US and had me as their first child. They struggled a lot financially. On their 14th year of marriage (when I was 13) my dad had a work accident that resulted in a permanent disability. Two years later my younger brother was diagnosed as severely autistic. A few years after that things reached a boiling point and it fell apart. That’s a summary of what happened without doing an autobiography.

The main difficulty that I see with your post is a perceived adversarial relationship between you and the Church. We are all physical members of Christ’s Body, but we must also be spiritual members. We join together with Him spiritually by giving our assent to His teachings, as presented by His Church, both through scripture, orally, and in writing.

First, the Church received her teaching authority, in matters of faith and morals, directly from Christ. In essence, what the Church teaches is what Christ would teach, were he here in His flesh. We cannot separate the Church and Christ, as they are inseparable. And, just as Christ taught, His Church also teaches. As with Christ, the Church teaches and provides standards of behavior that are considered unacceptable. These standards apply only to those who are members of the Church.

When a marriage fails, it is usually because one or both have failed to remain faithful to their vows. Here is the sticking point: We do not judge success by failure. We judge success by success. The exception proves the rule. That a high percentage of marriages fail does not reflect one bit on the efficacy of marriage. Rather, it is a reflection of failing to properly prepare for marriage, or entering into a marriage without a foundation of faith, on which marriage is based. Indeed, man-made marriages that exclude God may not be marriages at all, but only agreements to live together under civil law. They are a legal and binding contract that is termed a “marriage” under the law, but are not a marriage in the traditional form.

The reason that cohabitation begins to look like a viable alternative to marriage is simply because very few of these arrangements are recorded so that statistics may be kept. Their failure rate is certainly higher than marriage, since there is no binding contract or moral obligation between the two.

Having experienced my parents’ marriage fall apart in my mid-teens, I certainly know your emotions. But, a bad marriage does not make marriage bad. The Church is correct in her teaching, as difficult as her teaching is to accept.
po18guy;7864710:

I see what you are saying about the Church. But what I meant was could the church really justify it from a legal and social standpoint, not a theological one. I have no doubt that God/Jesus/The Bible instruct people to marry. But the question is: Does it make sense to marry? Yes, there is the issue of Christian legitimacy, but that does not help in a divorce court where a vengeful spouse is trying to take your stuff. If the government changed marital law so that married couples don’t pay a penny in taxes and singles/cohabitators have to pay everything, I would have no problem getting married since the benefits outweigh the risk of a costly divorce. However, that is not the case. As of now, it pays financially to commit a mortal sin and just cohabitate (since you don’t have the legal battle to worry about). As for cohabitation failure, why is it a big deal? There is no costly legal battle with cohabitation, but there is with marriage. The way I see it, cohabitation is a better way of protecting what is in your wallet, even if it is a sin.

 

[psymajor]

Yes. The Church teaches that sexual union is beautiful and sacred because it is intimately linked with the creation of a new and unique human being. Thus the sexual union is reserved for Holy Matrimony which is God’s way of creating a natural nest for a new human being—a sturdy nest made of a covenant between a man a woman and God.

Once you understand that at the heart of a healthy society is the human family you will begin to see why the Church teaches how important it is for men and women not to misuse the sacred gift which God has given us to participate in procreating unique human beings made in the image and likeness of God.

At the heart of society’s problems is the breakdown of the family. Statistics show that the vast majority of people in prison are the product of broken families and fatherless homes. Studies have also shown that people who cohabitate (live together before getting married) are much more likely to end in divorce than those who wait to get married. What’s more, the scourge of abortion can be directly linked to the widespread use of artificial contraception which took root in the late 1960s.

If you want to hear a talk that will completely change your life and understanding about why contraception and cohabitation is at the heat of today’s rotten society, please sit back ans listen to the following short talk by Prof. Janet Smith of the Pontifical Council on the Family:

PART 1
PART 2

Ok, I’ll take a listen to those links

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

Cohabitation is demeaning to the man and woman; not only is the pre-marital sex unhealthy and offensive to God but the notion of a “trial marriage” is absurd…

 

[ESMDHokie77]

I see what you are saying about the Church. But what I meant was could the church really justify it from a legal and social standpoint, not a theological one. I have no doubt that God/Jesus/The Bible instruct people to marry. But the question is: Does it make sense to marry? Yes, there is the issue of Christian legitimacy, but that does not help in a divorce court where a vengeful spouse is trying to take your stuff. If the government changed marital law so that married couples don’t pay a penny in taxes and singles/cohabitators have to pay everything, I would have no problem getting married since the benefits outweigh the risk of a costly divorce. However, that is not the case. As of now, it pays financially to commit a mortal sin and just cohabitate (since you don’t have the legal battle to worry about). As for cohabitation failure, why is it a big deal? There is no costly legal battle with cohabitation, but there is with marriage. The way I see it, cohabitation is a better way of protecting what is in your wallet, even if it is a sin.

If financial goggles is the only way you can view the sacrament of matrimony, then it’s probably not for you.

 

[scrappydeb]

I understand what you are saying and I respect your opinion. However, I disagree with your statement. Marriage doesn’t provide true security, it provides legal control. It gives each spouse legal control over the other. If one spouse chooses to end the marriage, he/she can make life extremely difficult for the other spouse by taking a disproportionate amount of assets and creating a costly legal battle. Also, you have to consider that the legal contract can encourage people to cheat on one another. One spouse (who is unhappy with the marriage and lacks the $ for divorce) can decide to have a secret affair. The presence of a marriage contract does nothing to actually secure the relationship. The emotional relationship between the two people is the sole deciding factor in the longevity of the relationship.

Certainly, if you view the question of “does marriage make sense” in the context of what a hassle it will be to split up, then I suppose it would be hard to argue that marriage will EVER make sense. I would propose (no pun intended) that instead, you view the question of “does marriage make sense” in the context of providing both THEOLOGICAL and LEGAL legitimacy to the union in question.

Also, while you frame the hassles and headaches involved in divorce as a downside, I would say that they are exactly WHY (aside from the theological issues) a marriage is superior to cohabitation. The legal hassles that you refer to are also legal PROTECTIONS when a marriage ends (for civil purposes).

I see what you are saying about the Church. But what I meant was could the church really justify it from a legal and social standpoint, not a theological one.

The Church is a theological institution, not a legal one. I don’t think that the Church is or needs to be in the business of “justifying” marriage from anything other than a theological perspective (and there IS plenty of justification from the theological perspective - and that alone is sufficient to argue marriage over cohabitation). That said, I do think (as I stated above) that there is plenty of purely social and pragmatic justification for the superiority of marriage over cohabitation. The fact that some marriages end in all-too-nasty divorces does not negate the societal and legal reasons that marriage makes sense.

I have no doubt that God/Jesus/The Bible instruct people to marry.

And that, I submit, is sufficient to answer the question!

The way I see it, cohabitation is a better way of protecting what is in your wallet, even if it is a sin.

I guess if what’s in your wallet is more valuable to you than your eternity in the kingdom of God, then so be it.

 

[Alix1912]

Wow…You have an interesting view of marriage.

Living together before marriage has no commitment whatsoever…if you suddenly don;t get along, rather than actually having to work it out, and grow from the expierence as a couple, you can just bail out and move on. There is NO commitment. It’s easy to lark in and out of living together as your mood sees fit, with little to no fore thought.

Marriage on the other hand requires alot of fore thought and planning. You know that you are going to stand up in front of God and your families and pledge to love and honor each other forever. You actually spend time planning your wedding, and your life together afterward. It binds you to each other, in a way that makes you want to work out problems and such, because you promised to do so. There have been several times in my marriage where if we had been “just living together” I would have bailed, however since we were married we were comitted to working together and solving the issues, and our relationship came out stronger, richer and better on the other side.

You are looking at marriage from strictly a legal point of view as to what happens when it falls apart and people divorce. You are actually proving my point. Sure it’s easier to break up a simple living arrangement, than go through a divorce. Espeically, if you go into either situation with the attitude that it will eventually fail. However, if you actually enter into marriage with the thought that it is forever and must be entered into with care, and discernment etc, you would find that it is much more meaningful and stronger than any “living together ever could be”.

 

[underacloud]

Dear psymajor,

I’m very sorry for what has happened to your parents and your view of marriage that has been shaped by it. It is understandable that you feel the way you do.

From my own experience, my marriage is the greatest blessing in my life. I love my wife and my kids. I love the committment that we share towards each other for life. If times get tough, we have promised to stand by each other. I am not naive enough to presume something couldn’t go wrong, but I believe that God blesses valid marriages and provides grace for the spouses to live up to their promises.

To address a point you raise, I would suggest now that many societies legally recognise cohabitation to the same extend as marriage, so the legal process is just as expensive to go through, and just as painful. Where it is not recognised to the same extend, one party is prone to being left destitute by their parnter leaving with all the money, and they have no legal recourse to their just share. From this perspective, marriage provides far greater protection than cohabitation.

Once again, I am very sorry for you experiences of marriage up to now. I can only counter by saying that I thank God every day for my marriage! And that of my parents, which provided a loving and stable home for my siblings and me.

 

[po18guy]

Back to the title of the thread: Yes, the Church is 100% correct about ‘demonizing’ living together (fornication). Saint Paul clearly says (1 Corinthians 6:9) that fornicators will not inherit the Kingdom of God. The writer of Hebrews says the same (Hebrews 13:4). Done deal. The Church exists to lead and guide us to heaven. It is her responsibility to teach the truth.

Suppose your parents were never married, but still had the big blow up and split. How would that be any better?

 

[PennyinCanada]

You have said how awful it is that your parents are divorcing, and you are right. Why didn’t you conclude that people shouldn’t *divorce *then, since *divorce *is so awful? Instead you suggested that people shouldn’t *marry. *

Don’t use your parents’ divorce as an excuse to live with someone without marriage. Use their divorce as a motivator to be a faithful and loving spouse, for each others benefit and for your kids and grandkids.

My in-laws both had parents that divorced. They decided, when they were found the right person, they would marry, and do what ever it took to nurture and care for their marriage, for the stability of their children and family life. They had their ups and downs and stayed faithful for 50 years. They were a blessing to their children and grandchildren.

I know of someone’s grandson, who in his 30’s married a lady. They won’t be having children together because between the 2 of them, they already have 7 children with other people that they were never married too. What a train wreck, and what grief for grandma.

 

[po18guy]

You have said how awful it is that your parents are divorcing, and you are right. Why didn’t you conclude that people shouldn’t *divorce *then, since *divorce *is so awful? Instead you suggested that people shouldn’t *marry. *

Don’t use your parents’ divorce as an excuse to live with someone without marriage. Use their divorce as a motivator to be a faithful and loving spouse, for each others benefit and for your kids and grandkids.

My in-laws both had parents that divorced. They decided, when they were found the right person, they would marry, and do what ever it took to nurture and care for their marriage, for the stability of their children and family life. They had their ups and downs and stayed faithful for 50 years. They were a blessing to their children and grandchildren.

I know of someone’s grandson, who in his 30’s married a lady. They won’t be having children together because between the 2 of them, they already have 7 children with other people that they were never married too. What a train wreck, and what grief for grandma.

As the Talking Heads are rumoured to have said: “Stop Making Sense!”

 

[Infidel]

Why didn’t you conclude that people shouldn’t *divorce *then, since *divorce *is so awful?

Because staying together in a hostile, loveless relationship can be much worse than a quick, civilized cessation of deteriorating relationship.

A short personal story might help. I divorced my second wife and she (having been an attorney) represented both herself and me in the proceedings. After the divorce we stayed very good friends, so much that she called us when she was diagnosed with fatal liver cancer and asked my wife and me to take care of her son (not my son) when she passes away. Which we of course promised and kept our promise. Her son is our “adopted” son now (not legally, since he is grown up) but we get together periodically, and maintain a wonderful relationship with him and his family.

The point is that one size does not fit all. Sometimes it is a good idea to work on a relationship, mend it and maintain it. Other times a quick, painless divorce is the way to go. There is absolutely no good, secular reason to keep a dead relationship.

 

[phoooiee]

There is no costly legal battle with cohabitation, but there is with marriage. The way I see it, cohabitation is a better way of protecting what is in your wallet, even if it is a sin.

If you live your life without ever taking risks or trusting, this is a life lived in fear.

It is very, very hard to find true joy when one holds on to that fear.

When a person can bear this kind of suffering like that which your parents went through and simply offer it as a gift instead of fighting against it for the desires of their own self, it brings a joy far greater than the security that you are seeking. This security doesn’t exist anyway. Bad things will happen whether you try to protect yourself or not. It is hard to understand this gift of self until you do it. You have to go on faith, then you see the results.

Try it next time someone wrongs you. You will see.

 

[puzzleannie]

yes, except no where in church teaching does she “demonize” a human sinful activity. She teaches, as she has for 2000 years, the truth-sex outside marriage is destructive to individuals, families, marriages and society. The fact prove she is correct. The breakdown in marriage and family began with the culture that made cohabitation the norm, with its concommittent sin of contraception. Abuse of marriage destroys marriage. No one with a shred of knowledge of the true state of families–especially anyone who works with children and deals with the results of the destruction every day–can deny the facts.

 

[Alix1912]

I have lived through my mom gettting divorced…Twice. Once as a 4 year old and once as an adult. It had the opposite effect on me. Instead of thinking marriage was bad, I decided that I was not going to mess up picking a potential husband. I looked at the things that went wrong in my mother’s two marriages, and sought to make sure I at least did not make those mistakes (I figure I’ll make enough of my own no need repeating the mistakes I’ve observed in others.)

Having lived through divorce as a child I was also determined not to do that to my kids, so I went into my marriage with the implicit understanding that I was only doing this once, my husband and I approach our marriage with that attitude. This is for real, it is permenant, and if something in it breaks we are committed to fixing it not throwing it out.

To that end we do not seperate finances, or possessions. He may earn the money (I’m a SAHM) but it is OUR FAMILY’s money. I may raise the kids, but they are OUR KIDS. I think a lot of the success of a marriage comes from the mindset going into it. If you go into it already preparing for the end…you are setting yourself up for failure.