Is this normal....

[dulcissima]

Online advice about this sort of thing is pretty useless. People who only see your side of the story are likely to think you are the good guy and your husband is the bad guy, no matter what is actually going on. Seek professional counselling, with your husband if he agrees, or on your own.

I wouldn’t worry so much about only hearing one side of the story. There never is another side of the story that makes name calling, never helping out, and constant criticism acceptable. A professional therapist could do a world of good, even if all they ever heard was her story.

 

[m_crane]

Hello, I’m a long time lurker, and am trying to muster up the courage to get some advice.

I’m married, I have 3 children. I think I might be the victim of emotional abuse. I must not be very smart if I don’t know for sure.

The sad part is that he seems to be a very nice man on the surface, he goes to Mass, he prays the rosary.Then there should be plenty of hope that he can stop abusing you./COLOR]

I guess I’ll give some examples of emotional abuse.

He criticizes everything I do. Nothing is good enough. If I scold my oldest son, he is right there to defend him. Sounds like a control issue./COLOR]
He’s called me bad words in the past, (I know you aren’t supposed to bring up the past, but I figured no one has ever called me these things, it must be bad if your husband calls you these things)

Since our baby has been born, about 15 months ago he’s slept on the couch 80% of the time. I had given him the benefit of the doubt, that he needed his sleep. Yesterday during an argument, he said that the reason he does is because I annoy him.
Do you think that he may be depressed?These past 3 weekends we have argued pretty badly.

Yesterday was the worst. The baby had been sick this past week. He has a bad upper respiratory infection. I spent 3 nights awake with the sick baby in a row, with just a few hours sleep.

Given, I’m not the most meticulous housekeeper, I have really lost any will to keep up with it because I’m in zombie mode most of the time, no one helps and taking care of the kids is really hard for me.
Mothering is important work, the housework will get done when you have time and energy and support from your spouse.
He started criticizing the refrigerator needed cleaning. He told me that I don’t know how to do these things, because it’s my mom’s fault for not teaching me. He said I was a negligent mother, because the fridge needed cleaning. I was hurt and angry, when I tried to defend myself, he said I was mentally ill.
Could it be that you are both overwhelmed, is he having other pressures, maybe at work?I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years.
Have you threatened divorce?

Maybe i am mentally ill…, as I type I’m crying.:hug3:

In almost 13 years of marriage, he’s done the laundry maybe 3 times. He’s prepared dinner a handful of times. Once when I had to work late and wasn’t home until 8, once after a miscarriage, I don’t remember anymore times.
This isn’t unusual for some men not to cook but he can order pizza and pick it up for you sometimes when you are overwhelmed.
I’ve had two miscarriages. The second one came after a fight with him. He wanted his friend to come over, I had just gotten a positive pregnancy test. I was worried, because the pregnancy prior to that one ended in miscarriage. I wasn’t up for it. He fought with me, that I was too concerned about myself, that pregnancy wasn’t such a big deal, women were designed to give birth in a field.
This is NOT good.
He then invited his mother to come to clean the house, because I wasn’t capable to. when his friend came, his mother acted as hostess.
This, without your permission, is also not good because dragging mom into the marriage problems.I’m just so tired of pretending in front of everyone that we are normal. This can’t be normal…

I feel so ashamed. I have other stories as well, that I’ve told no one. I’m supposed to forgive. I know that…but deep down I think I made a mistake marrying him.
Don’t feel ashamed, but do your best to find counselling. It sounds like you need a professional to help you communicate your needs with your spouse and vice versa but start with you first because your husband may rebel if you try to drag him to counselling at this pointThanks for reading. I’d appreciate any advice or prayers.
I will pray for peace and blessings in your marriage.:console:

 

[floresco]

I wouldn’t worry so much about only hearing one side of the story. There never is another side of the story that makes name calling, never helping out, and constant criticism acceptable. A professional therapist could do a world of good, even if all they ever heard was her story.

Of course, there can be another side to the story. Sometimes the accusation of never helping out turns out to be not noticing the ways that the other helps. Sometimes the accusation of constant criticism comes from a person who is too sensitive to handle helpful, constructive criticism. Sometimes when one hears from the other spouse one discovers the name-calling is mutual.

I’m not saying that any of these things are happening in this situation, but there is usually potential for this sort of thing when there is only one side of the story. Most of the time an online forum is a really bad place to get advice.

 

[former_Catholic]

Most of the time an online forum is a really bad place to get advice.

And sometimes it is the only place people can get to for any advice at all, especially if:

I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years. .

the spouse has made it clear that he feels perfectly entitled to break laws and court orders in order to maintain his control.

 

[floresco]

And sometimes it is the only place people can get to for any advice at all, especially if:

the spouse has made it clear that he feels perfectly entitled to break laws and court orders in order to maintain his control.

I don’t see how you understood that from what the OP said about her husband. But even if it were true, it does not logically follow that an internet forum is the only place the OP can get advice.

 

[PamS]

Geez… stick to the topic people. We’re here to help not bicker over the details.

I pray you’re alright honey xx keep us updated please!!!

 

[former_Catholic]

I don’t see how you understood that from what the OP said about her husband. But even if it were true, it does not logically follow that an internet forum is the only place the OP can get advice.

Child support payments and court proceedings are mandated by law. Interfering with, obstructing, or otherwise defying the law is not only “not normal” but illegal.
One spouse threatening illegal activity in order to intimidate and control the other is of major concern here. The degree to which this woman might be intimidated and controlled by her spouse such that she might not be allowed access to personal help and support is of major concern here.

I pray you’re all right honey

is an excellent point to make when there is such intimidation and controlling behavior going on, yes, I’m praying that she is all right too.

 

[Sierrah]

The sad part is that he seems to be a very nice man on the surface, he goes to Mass, he prays the rosary.

**Abusers usually are nice on the surface it’s their camaflage. **

He criticizes everything I do. Nothing is good enough.

[/This is the key to telling an abuser from just a person who’s a jerk. An abuser will always be right and their victim is always wrong.B]

Since our baby has been born, about 15 months ago he’s slept on the couch 80% of the time. I had given him the benefit of the doubt, that he needed his sleep. Yesterday during an argument, he said that the reason he does is because I annoy him.

Neglect and social or communicative isolation are also another common tactic of the abuser

He started criticizing the refrigerator needed cleaning. He told me that I don’t know how to do these things, because it’s my mom’s fault for not teaching me. He said I was a negligent mother, because the fridge needed cleaning. I was hurt and angry, when I tried to defend myself, he said I was mentally ill.

Constantly a demeaning their victim (goes back to nothing they do is right) is another classic action of an abuser

I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years.

Oh yes your can. First thing is to find out all the his financial situation (taxes, income and investments) then go see a lawyer and learn what your rights are. There are many places where you can see free legal consultation if you don’t have the money on hand.

I’ll pray for your family but don’t put up with this guy. You didn’t say if he ever got physical with his abuse but sometime that’s not too far behind the emotional abuse. Also I’ve worked with abused women and seemed to attract some of those guys in the past so I know what I’m taking about. Remember the abuse is never about the victim it’s about the abuser wanting control or power.

 

[joandarc2008]

Lets start at the beginning:

1. How old are your children? Are they old enough to start doing chores and helping you- if they are put them on it?
2. The house is the domestic Church not your dh’s entertainment center - next time tell your dh’s friends and your MIL for that matter that you are pregnant have suffered two miscarriages and you need yuor dh - you will be suprised - they may tell him not to be such a jerk.
3. Start counseling with your priest, deacon, or Catholic counselor. If he goes, he goes. If he doesn’t get what you can. If the kids are in Catholic school let the priest/Chaplain there know what is going on and ask him to check in with the kids’ development. Make sure none of them are getting angry traits or low self-esteem depending on which parent they are identifying with.
4. I AM NOT advocating divorce at this point but just in case you should open an account with your name only and put a little in each week so you have the peace of mind to know if he leaves as he as threatened you have a nest egg for food for the children until you can get something set up legally. Also talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are in case things go South so he can’t threaten you - not to argue with but so you have your peace of mind. Sometimes our ignorance (I am not calling ignorant but if we don’t look at this an option of course we don’t know our options) allows us to be scared easily. In most states the father has no say whatsoever how much he gives.

God bless you - praying for you and to answer your question No!

And pony - any wife trying to save her marriage will sleep with her husband three times in 13 years.

 

[Serap]

Online advice about this sort of thing is pretty useless. People who only see your side of the story are likely to think you are the good guy and your husband is the bad guy, no matter what is actually going on. Seek professional counselling, with your husband if he agrees, or on your own.

BINGO!!! This is exactly what I was thinking?

Do we know what she does when they are fighting? Do we know what she says and does? We only know one side of this story and giving marital advice on a web forum is DANGEROUS!!!

People are too quick to jump in to the woman in distress and say she’s being abused and the husband is the bad guy…bad bad bad…

I agree that you guys should see a good priest or you go on your own. Coming on CAF is a good start, but you are crossing a dangerous line if you listen to advice from strangers that don’t know the whole equation.

Marriage is not something to discuss on CAF.

God bless you though b/c I really hope you get the help you need and become a happier person and more fulfilled in your marriage.

 

[Serap]

I wouldn’t worry so much about only hearing one side of the story. There never is another side of the story that makes name calling, never helping out, and constant criticism acceptable. A professional therapist could do a world of good, even if all they ever heard was her story.

The problem is that many here are saying her husband is the bad guy and she’s the victim.

Man oh man, if I went on here and vented about my husband; I’d get some pretty bad advice here on CAF…that’s why I never come here for marital advice.

I would only go to a good priest.

 

[StratusRose]

BINGO!!! This is exactly what I was thinking?

Do we know what she does when they are fighting? Do we know what she says and does? We only know one side of this story and giving marital advice on a web forum is DANGEROUS!!!

People are too quick to jump in to the woman in distress and say she’s being abused and the husband is the bad guy…bad bad bad…

I agree that you guys should see a good priest or you go on your own. Coming on CAF is a good start, but you are crossing a dangerous line if you listen to advice from strangers that don’t know the whole equation.

Marriage is not something to discuss on CAF.

God bless you though b/c I really hope you get the help you need and become a happier person and more fulfilled in your marriage.

With all due respect, Marriage is a Sacrament of the Holy Catholic Church so why not discuss it on CAF?

 

[floresco]

With all due respect, Marriage is a Sacrament of the Holy Catholic Church so why not discuss it on CAF?

Discussing the theology of marriage is appropriate. Unqualified people giving potentially harmful advice is not appropriate.

 

[former_Catholic]

Discussing the theology of marriage is appropriate. Unqualified people giving potentially harmful advice is not appropriate.

Please identify what specific piece(s) of advice you regard as “potentially harmful.”

 

[PrayerShark]

Regardless of whether this forum should be the fountain head for good advice, it does offer a way of connecting with the global Catholic community. This poor woman is obviously at the end of her tether (perhaps sanity) and if the husband is as emotionally abusive as I have read, then it will be very hard for her to take the action she needs to pull herself out of his shadow. The forum and internet provide her a way of seeking help anonymously. I can imagine she fears what her husband’s reaction would be if he found out, which leads me to my next point.

I’m afraid to say this, but the husband displays the traits of a psychopath. Psychopaths are charismatic and give a good outward appearance, but when you get to know them they are emotionally abusive and must always dominate. From her descriptions, he fits the bill. However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to kill her or even harm her, but it sounds as though he has a lack of empathy. I mean c’mon, she was up several nights in a row looking after their sick child and he’s complaining about the fridge.

It’s probably best they both go to counselling, which she should go ahead and initiate without him. She’s going to have to be strong as well, because he will do his best to make her feel as though everything is her fault and not his. Perhaps the counsellor can have the husband do a personality test. She can’t keep going on the way she has though.

And mommie please do keep us update on how things are going. You are in my prayers.

 

[Serap]

Discussing the theology of marriage is appropriate. Unqualified people giving potentially harmful advice is not appropriate.

Stratus, I too feel this way about giving marital advice to a stranger. Thanks for treating me with respect (as you always do) when you asked the question.

Now I have just read that he’s a psychopath. We have already crucified this guy and we don’t even know him. It’s just very dangerous to assume that he’s the only bad guy b/c there are always two sides to a story. Is he being a jerk; absolutely, is he the only one that’s being a jerk; I don’t know.

This is why only an educated therapist or priest (who is educated in theology and has experience with damaged marriages) should be advising this woman.

I am a child of divorce and it’s never pretty and the children never benefit from it. God wants marriages to stay together; God wants married people to help eachother get to Heaven. The only way God will not support a marriage is if there are grounds for annullment; only a priest should be seeked to judge the state of a marriage…not us. We are not qualified b/c we do not know these people personally.

I have a priest friend who told me that when a woman seeks help saying she’s being abused he ALWAYS requests to interview the husband privately to get his side of the story too. He NEVER makes any judgements until he has privately spoken to both people and gotten both sides of the story.

 

[joandarc2008]

I do want to say this - btw - I did give some advice that some can see as harmful - however if you read past posts of mine you will find that it was exactly what I did in my own situation. It gave me power and kept my marriage together and I clearly stated I was not advocating divorce but getting information for peace of mind. If someone is having child spport held over their head; getting information will give peace of mind.

 

[Serap]

I do want to say this - btw - I did give some advice that some can see as harmful - however if you read past posts of mine you will find that it was exactly what I did in my own situation. It gave me power and kept my marriage together and I clearly stated I was not advocating divorce but getting information for peace of mind. If someone is having child spport held over their head; getting information will give peace of mind.

I respect your situation and the strength you had. That was your situation and sharing it was not the wrong thing to do.

People are giving their opinion and advice based on the OP’s description and the OP may be giving a very one sided, slanted, description of the husband. It’s a very dangerous thing to do expecially when there are children involved.

 

[baylee]

I feel desperate, I’ve told him various times that I can’t go on like this…he’s made threats on how if I leave I wouldn’t get much child support, or if I leave he’d keep it in court for 5 years.

I’m probably wrong, but was this the only time you’ve tried to discuss this with him? Granted, it doesn’t sound like he’s very open to discussing things, but it seems to me that the first step is trying to work this out together. Also, from the above quote, it sounds like you led him to believe you wanted to leave? Does he get the impression from you that you want to leave…or work things out?

 

[former_Catholic]

Now I have just read that he’s a psychopath. We have already crucified this guy and we don’t even know him.

At no time did any poster say “he’s a psychopath.” At no time has anyone “crucified this guy.” At no time did anyone say there isn’t two sides to any story.
The OP described various behaviors and asked other’s opinions as to “is this normal?”
To which someone responded:

I’m afraid to say this, but the husband displays the traits of a psychopath.

Responding that the identified behaviors evidence “psychopathic traits” is a legitimate observation consistent with any textbook on psychology. It does not constitute any sort of “advice.”

It’s just very dangerous to assume that he’s the only bad guy b/c there are always two sides to a story. Is he being a jerk; absolutely, is he the only one that’s being a jerk; I don’t know.

Under Christianity, each of us is responsible for our own behavior.
Under Christian charity, it is “dangerous and unacceptable” to suggest that any OP may be somehow causing her husband to behave like “a jerk.”
If and when the OP wants others’ opinions of the OP’s behavior, I’m sure the OP will ask.