Is this normal....

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Serap said:
The problem is that many here are saying her husband is the bad guy and she’s the victim.

Man oh man, if I went on here and vented about my husband; I’d get some pretty bad advice here on CAF…that’s why I never come here for marital advice.

I would only go to a good priest.
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👍

Leave it to the professionals
 
Serap said:
Stratus, I too feel this way about giving marital advice to a stranger. Thanks for treating me with respect (as you always do) when you asked the question.

Now I have just read that he’s a psychopath. We have already crucified this guy and we don’t even know him. It’s just very dangerous to assume that he’s the only bad guy b/c there are always two sides to a story. Is he being a jerk; absolutely, is he the only one that’s being a jerk; I don’t know.

This is why only an educated therapist or priest (who is educated in theology and has experience with damaged marriages) should be advising this woman.

I am a child of divorce and it’s never pretty and the children never benefit from it. God wants marriages to stay together; God wants married people to help eachother get to Heaven. The only way God will not support a marriage is if there are grounds for annullment; only a priest should be seeked to judge the state of a marriage…not us. We are not qualified b/c we do not know these people personally.

I have a priest friend who told me that when a woman seeks help saying she’s being abused he ALWAYS requests to interview the husband privately to get his side of the story too. He NEVER makes any judgements until he has privately spoken to both people and gotten both sides of the story.
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Actually, I would argue there are 3 sides to every story - His side, her side and what acutally happend 😉
 
ComputerGeek25 said:
Actually, I would argue there are 3 sides to every story - His side, her side and what acutally happend 😉
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LOL! You made me laugh there b/c you’re right. There’s always 3 sides and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

My feelings get hurt easily; I’m super sensitive; so I could think that I am being verbally abused when my husband is in a bad mood. Another woman who is not as sensitive as me could say that her husbands a jackass sometimes. It’s all about perception really.
 
I’ve been reading everyone’s responses, thank you for any support.

I’m doing ok. We have made up since the last fight.

I do want the marriage to work. I do love him. My kids love him.

I do want the bad times to not be as bad.

I posted because I wanted some Catholic perspective. I can’t talk about this with my family. I actually remember in pre-cana one of the presenters said to not bring outside family into marriage problems because although the couple can forgive each other, extended family might hold grudges

Thanks again for any moral support…
 
former_Catholic said:
At no time did any poster say “he’s a psychopath.” At no time has anyone “crucified this guy.” At no time did anyone say there isn’t two sides to any story.
The OP described various behaviors and asked other’s opinions as to “is this normal?”
To which someone responded:

Responding that the identified behaviors evidence “psychopathic traits” is a legitimate observation consistent with any textbook on psychology. It does not constitute any sort of “advice.”

Under Christianity, each of us is responsible for our own behavior.
Under Christian charity, it is “dangerous and unacceptable” to suggest that any OP may be somehow causing her husband to behave like “a jerk.”
If and when the OP wants others’ opinions of the OP’s behavior, I’m sure the OP will ask.
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Look, here’s the deal. If my husband came on CAF and described some of my behaviours, you could say that I have psychopathic traits too…we ALL do at times. We are all selfish at times and can display a lack of empathy at times. That’s why Jesus died on the cross for us; we are far from perfect.

But to say that I have the traits of a psychopath b/c I can sometimes be a selfish b**ch to my husband is a big stretch. Just my opinion.

To say that someone may be a psychopath IS giving advice in a passive aggressive manor b/c it could lead to this woman making a decision based on someone’s opinion and not a professional assessment.

This is dangerous. That’s all I’m addressing.

This guy may be a complete jerk and maybe she should have a trial separation or even an annullment…I don’t know, but a seasoned priest can make this assessment once he has all the information.
 
Serap said:
LOL! You made me laugh there b/c you’re right. There’s always 3 sides and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

My feelings get hurt easily; I’m super sensitive; so I could think that I am being verbally abused when my husband is in a bad mood. Another woman who is not as sensitive as me could say that her husbands a jackass sometimes. It’s all about perception really.
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I’m pretty sensitive too and as a result I"m constantly monitoring whether what bothered me was really that bad or just my being too sensitive.
 
mommie said:
Sure, I guess, but I was truthful in my post. 😦
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Ain’t nothing wrong with being truthful and speaking from the heart. :hug3: We just have to be careful of what advice we give to strangers or opinions we give to strangers b/c it may lead to actions that are not in the best interests of the family or what God wants.
 
mommie said:
I’ve been reading everyone’s responses, thank you for any support.

I’m doing ok. We have made up since the last fight.

I do want the marriage to work. I do love him. My kids love him.

I do want the bad times to not be as bad.

I posted because I wanted some Catholic perspective. I can’t talk about this with my family. I actually remember in pre-cana one of the presenters said to not bring outside family into marriage problems because although the couple can forgive each other, extended family might hold grudges

Thanks again for any moral support…
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I’m glad you guys “made up”, but it’s really important that things were resolved and there is a purpose of amendment on both your parts. If you would like to expound on the making up, it would be interesting to see how he responded to you and your concerns.

I tend to agree with not bringing in outside family. That’s why I think most here are suggesting a priest or a counselor…someone who is truly unbiased.
 
mommie said:
Sure, I guess, but I was truthful in my post. 😦
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I wanted to add Mommie, that I do feel for you and I do hope that you get the help that you need. There are many women out there who are being abused and they need to change their situation for the better. I really hope you can muster the courage to seek counselling from a good priest who will be able to help you. I don’t know you or your husband, so I can only empathize with you and hold back from giving any opinions that may be taken as advice. Only God knows what needs to be done and you can discern that through prayer.

You deserve to be happy and be loved and respected. I will pray for you and ask Mother Mary to watch over you during this difficult time. :console:
 
baylee said:
I’m glad you guys “made up”, but it’s really important that things were resolved and there is a purpose of amendment on both your parts. If you would like to expound on the making up, it would be interesting to see how he responded to you and your concerns.

I tend to agree with not bringing in outside family. That’s why I think most here are suggesting a priest or a counselor…someone who is truly unbiased.
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Yeah Mommie. Please don’t think that we don’t care because we really do!!! We want you to be happy sweetie.

A priest can really help b/c he’s not family or a stranger and will take the time to understand your unique situation.

LOVE and PEACE to you.
 
baylee said:
I’m glad you guys “made up”, but it’s really important that things were resolved and there is a purpose of amendment on both your parts. If you would like to expound on the making up, it would be interesting to see how he responded to you and your concerns.

I tend to agree with not bringing in outside family. That’s why I think most here are suggesting a priest or a counselor…someone who is truly unbiased.
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Agree. I, too, am glad that you made up but it is still important to see someone about resolving underlying issues.

I also agree with not telling extended family. I think Dr. Phil said it best when talking about spouses confiding in family members. “Don’t poisin the well and then expect them to drink from it.”
 
mommie said:
Sure, I guess, but I was truthful in my post. 😦
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Sorry if I seemed critial in my post.

However, if you are having maritial problems, the Internet may not be the best place to get counsuel.
 
StratusRose said:
Agree. I, too, am glad that you made up but it is still important to see someone about resolving underlying issues.

I also agree with not telling extended family. I think Dr. Phil said it best when talking about spouses confiding in family members. “Don’t poisin the well and then expect them to drink from it.”
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Thanks for the Dr. Phil quote, I don’t watch anymore, but his Texas accent and little one liners make me chuckle.
 
Serap said:
I respect your situation and the strength you had. That was your situation and sharing it was not the wrong thing to do.

People are giving their opinion and advice based on the OP’s description and the OP may be giving a very one sided, slanted, description of the husband. It’s a very dangerous thing to do expecially when there are children involved.
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How is it dangerous when nothing that I am suggesting does anything but gives the OP a little bit of empowerment and sense of being on her two feet. I also told her she should get counseling from a priest, deacon, or a Catholic counselor -it is called protecting her interests as well her childrens’.
 
joandarc2008 said:
How is it dangerous when nothing that I am suggesting does anything but gives the OP a little bit of empowerment and sense of being on her two feet. I also told her she should get counseling from a priest, deacon, or a Catholic counselor -it is called protecting her interests as well her childrens’.
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I wasn’t singling anyone out. I was just cautioning the OP.
 
baylee said:
I tend to agree with not bringing in outside family. That’s why I think most here are suggesting a priest or a counselor…someone who is truly unbiased.
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…someone who can be trusted to let the matter drop after it has been resolved, too. 👍
 
Serap said:
Look, here’s the deal. If my husband came on CAF and described some of my behaviours, you could say that I have psychopathic traits too…
But to say that I have the traits of a psychopath b/c I can sometimes be a selfish b**ch to my husband is a big stretch.
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If you’re a selfish b**ch to your husband that’s one thing, but at the point that you threaten to not pay child support ordered by a court of law, failing to support your children financially, and allowing your children to suffer because of your issues with your spouse, you have crossed the line into evidencing psychopathic traits, including breaking the law.
 
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