Is this physical abuse and how do I fix it? :(

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Farmerswife27

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Hi all, my marriage is quite rocky and it seems like I don’t turn to my faith until it really hits the fan. That’s how I end up here. 😦 I’m desperate and there’s nobody I want to speak with in “real life.”

My husband and I have been married 9 years and I’m having our 3rd child next month. Recently when we argue (and we argue a lot, I think!) he has been pulling the “you need to listen to me, obey me, I’m in charge here” card. I understand submitting to your husband, to a point. but not just so he can have his way. If I get angry or follow him or argue, lately, it ends up somewhat physical. Like tonight with him grabbing me, pushing me out a door or to the ground, or sometimes pulling back like he is going to hit/punch me (which he has never really done) & then stopping himself. He grabs me and tosses me around enough to leave bruises. Today he tried to slam a door on my 8+ month pregnant belly because I was in the doorway trying to reason with him and wouldn’t leave when I was told–hard enough that the knob left a bruise on my belly. I started keeping Pics of the marks and even secretly recording our fights when I can, just in case. Not sure it’ll do any good if it comes to it but maybe it would help me keep my children if we split.

We have had issues in the past, lots of them-- money arguments, his alcohol abuse and pornography use most recently. He wanted a divorce last fall and I started going to marriage therapy alone (because our problems are naturally all my fault) & somehow I got pregnant… which he thinks was purposefully so he couldn’t leave me. :cry:It’s not, I was just desperate to keep him happy with me. I didn’t chart as carefully and relations seemed to help our problems at the time.

I’m living 1000 miles from my hometown, nobody here I can confide in, really. I want to go to therapy with him but he won’t. I’m not 100% certain he’s actually abusing me physically either, I don’t know how much physical contact is “normal.” Leaving for a while is not an option either, we farm together and both work full time, I refuse to leave my home and livestock. He also thinks I’m legitimately nuts and need to be medicated. He wants me to leave him the kids. He’s been a good dad, for the most part, and I don’t fear for their safety. But I also don’t want them to keep seeing the fights.

So I guess-- I am looking for advice on where the heck to go from here. I want to fix things and I’m feeling pretty helpless. Thank you all. 💔
 
Dear Sister,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sure don’t need it when you are expecting a new baby next month.
the truth is, no amount of physical “contact” is normal. Pushing you, knocking you down, ramming a door into your stomach, all are abuse. Healthy, loving husbands don’t treat their wives like that. They care for them and protect their safety, especially when pregnant.

I have been where you are, and it does take a while for the truth to register. I left my first husband when I was 5 months pregnant, because he hit me one too many times.

Another truth is, that when your children witness you being abused, that is abusive to them. It will have a profound effect on their development.

Can you find a therapist or counselor or priest to talk to? Can you locate a women’s shelter for victims of domestic abuse?
Have you considered seeing a lawyer to make sure you don’t lose your children if you should choose to separate?
These are some ideas to start to think about.

You say you have been desperate to keep him happy with you. But it sounds as if you are not happy, and don’t feel safe. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be cherished and protected and loved.
Please look into finding someone nearby you can confide in.
You will get other answers here, but just know that we are all praying for you.

.
 
Yes it is physical abuse.

No you can’t fix it, or stop it, make it better. He needs to realise it is his problem. He doesn’t at this point and might never.

He is gaslighting you with the needing to be medicated BS.
He is gaslighting you with your questioning if you are being abused by him.

It will escalate . The boundary of what’s acceptable in their eyes is pushed out with each episode.
You can’t fix this. You can’t stop him doing this.
He isn’t a good dad if he is going to slam a door into your 8 mth pregnant belly. Sorry , but that’s the reality.

I have been there too. He still disagrees even with medical reports. He still says he would never hurt anyone. He probably wouldn’t, unless they were in a relationship with him.
Nothing, ever, has got through to him.

You can only move you and your kids to safety. With proper professional help.

I will pray for you.
 
Yes, it is physical abuse. You say, “I was just desperate to keep him happy with me.” He is exploiting that. He needs a wake-up call.
 
In addition to the advice given above, you can confide in and ask your prenatal care provider about resources to help you. At this point you’re probably going pretty frequently. I would not lie about bruises or try to hide them. If you are in therapy, I’d also bring it up there. You may think you have no one, but these people can be incredibly helpful to you - and you can trust in their confidentiality.

You cannot “fix” physical abuse. That is a lie abusers tell to justify their behavior to their victims and to themselves. One exercise that might be helpful is to step outside the situation and imagine your sister, your friend, or even reading about this situation on the Internet. Create some emotional distance. What do the facts say? What would you tell that woman?
 
Thank you everyone. This morning he gave me the old “why are you mad?” So I explained it again and showed him the marks (he denies leaving them of course) & he finally apologized “for getting carried away” but somehow still put the ownership of it happening on me (because I followed him/didn’t listen/didn’t shut up and these things provoked him).

I’m not perfect, I have a temper and get angry like RIGHT NOW when he pulls that stuff. I don’t have it in me to just shut up and let whatever it is happen.

I’ve given up on the therapy because both councilors ive seen want his side/him to come and he won’t. I could talk to my doc but I don’t know if I’m ready to have authorities involved. I’d still like to fix this. Deep down I love him and what we have. Or had, maybe. Plus let’s face it- I’m a mom of 3. That’s baggage! My body has gone to hell, I’ve aged, gained weight… I’m not sure anyone would even want me anymore and I don’t want to be alone… pitiful as that sounds. I really don’t want the kids in a broken home either. I just wish I could force him to see a therapist or our priest or really any 3rd party that might open his eyes to what he’s doing to me/us.
 
Dear soul, you are still desperate to keep him happy with you. It is your choice. But staying in this situation is telling him that he does not need to respect you. If you want him to respect you, you need to do something concrete and impactful. Since he has used force in the past, you probably do not want to directly confront him. Thus you will want to talk to someone outside the situation, be brutally honest and ask for their help.

Your other option is to stay where you are, and be treated like you know what. I don’t see a viable or effective third option.

Lord, give this sister strength to do what she has to do!
 
It’s physical, psychological, and emotional abuse. You cannot fix it. He’s using this whole “submission” thing as an excuse to harm you and until you leave, it won’t end.

As far as a “broken” home- your children are already living in one. Your children are growing up thinking this is how a man is to treat a woman and how a woman is supposed to respond. Your daughters will think this is how they are to be treated and your sons will think this is how they are to treat women. Far better they see that mom left to protect them and herself than stuck around taking it from a violent abuser because she felt that was better than no one at all.

Get out now. Is there a women’s shelter in your area or family you can turn to?

Looking back over your past posts, we can see this is nothing new with his behavior. You’ve tolerated it way too long, please get out of the situation before it becomes worse and he hurts the baby.
 
Yes it’s abuse.

I have no idea how to fix it.

It will at minimum stay the same, and probably get worse until you do something about it.

If you don’t do something about it you are teaching your kids (if you have boys) it’s okay to treat women this way, (if you have girls) it’s okay for men to treat you this way.

Me personally, I’d either go to the authorities or go back home. You have to take care of your kids, and yourself. Whether or not he physically abuses the kids is besides the point. He terrorizes them by what he does to you, and the mental abuse is probably just as bad if not worse than the physical abuse he could do.

It’s really easy for me to say this compared to you actually having to live through it. I will pray for you. I suggest you start praying a lot!!!
 
Farmerswife27 said:
Hi all, my marriage is quite rocky and it seems like I don’t turn to my faith until it really hits the fan. That’s how I end up here. 😦 I’m desperate and there’s nobody I want to speak with in “real life.”

My husband and I have been married 9 years and I’m having our 3rd child next month. Recently when we argue (and we argue a lot, I think!) he has been pulling the “you need to listen to me, obey me, I’m in charge here” card. I understand submitting to your husband, to a point. but not just so he can have his way. If I get angry or follow him or argue, lately, it ends up somewhat physical. Like tonight with him grabbing me, pushing me out a door or to the ground, or sometimes pulling back like he is going to hit/punch me (which he has never really done) & then stopping himself. He grabs me and tosses me around enough to leave bruises. Today he tried to slam a door on my 8+ month pregnant belly because I was in the doorway trying to reason with him and wouldn’t leave when I was told–hard enough that the knob left a bruise on my belly. I started keeping Pics of the marks and even secretly recording our fights when I can, just in case. Not sure it’ll do any good if it comes to it but maybe it would help me keep my children if we split.

We have had issues in the past, lots of them-- money arguments, his alcohol abuse and pornography use most recently. He wanted a divorce last fall and I started going to marriage therapy alone (because our problems are naturally all my fault) & somehow I got pregnant… which he thinks was purposefully so he couldn’t leave me. :cry:It’s not, I was just desperate to keep him happy with me. I didn’t chart as carefully and relations seemed to help our problems at the time.

I’m living 1000 miles from my hometown, nobody here I can confide in, really. I want to go to therapy with him but he won’t. I’m not 100% certain he’s actually abusing me physically either, I don’t know how much physical contact is “normal.” Leaving for a while is not an option either, we farm together and both work full time, I refuse to leave my home and livestock. He also thinks I’m legitimately nuts and need to be medicated. He wants me to leave him the kids. He’s been a good dad, for the most part, and I don’t fear for their safety. But I also don’t want them to keep seeing the fights.

So I guess-- I am looking for advice on where the heck to go from here. I want to fix things and I’m feeling pretty helpless. Thank you all. 💔
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The fact that you have to ask “Is this really physical abuse” is extremely disturbing.

**YES, IT IS PHYSICAL ABUSE AND YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT SAFE WITH HIM! **
 
Well I guess you don’t always get the advice you’re ready to hear. I was hoping there was a way to make him see this isn’t ok… without leaving. Would leaving be permanent? Like divorce? Do you think it would be grounds for annulment? This is really not what I was prepared to do… unless it’s temporary to get his head right. I don’t know of a woman’s shelter, I can probably stay with a coworker a couple nights. But with the newborn n the others back at school soon… plus I have way too much time and money and assets wrapped up in the farm/stock to abandon it all. Really need an alternative. It needs to stop I agree and especially needs to not involve the kids. I’ve given him 15 years, my “best years” and truthfully its been more good than bad. Not sure what changed in the last few to trigger all of this, it’s definitely worse than it’s ever been though.

Out of desperation, last fall, he threw me out one night and I went to his moms house to talk. Well, cry, unload my mind on someone I thought could help me talk to him. Someone he would always respect. I had showed her first hand the drinking issues before so this time I told her about the rest. She ageeed it was wrong and a problem. Said she never had those issues with his dad (he has passed) & doesn’t know where it came from. Im not even sure she believes me. She shrugged it off and never said a word to her precious baby boy.
 
It is abusive, and my dear lady your marriage is filled with it.

Loads of good advice above.

Here are people who can help you with the real nitty gritty:

thehotline.org
They may be able to find a closer resources and a safe place to stay if need be.

It won’t get better, until you get better. I am not saying your marriage is beyond hope but you are not safe today. Find a safe place and a domestic violence center to help you today. Do NOT disclose your plans because it might escalate, hold your cards close to your chest. Keep in mind being pregnant isn’t going to stay his hand. This is about control. Your husband has no self control.

Your MIL has proven that right now she is not a safe or helpful person. One day she may be helpful with the kids in the future. But seems a little loyal to her boy and clueless…

When you are safe, get the book Boundries by. Dr Henry Cloud. It will help you be a better Mama, because you will be modeling healthy boundaries from then on and it might make your guardian angel smile.

God bless you and your family, you will be in my prayers.
 
I don’t know how these things work, but would she really have to leave her own house? Can’t she talk to a social worker, show the evidence, and get her husband temporarily removed? If not, what is wrong with this world? The children need stability.
 
You need to be in counseling. Go, even if he won’t. Your judgment is impaired, from what you have written. You seem to have developed some tolerance/acceptance for abusive behavior. You sound as though you have anger and self esteem issues, perhaps understandably. Forget the farm and livestock. They are just things. The important thing is your children and their future. You don’t want them growing up learning that this is normal.
 
Farmerswife27 said:
Well I guess you don’t always get the advice you’re ready to hear…I can probably stay with a coworker a couple nights. But with the newborn n the others back at school soon… plus I have way too much time and money and assets wrapped up in the farm/stock to abandon it all. Really need an alternative. It needs to stop I agree and especially needs to not involve the kids. I’ve given him 15 years, my “best years” and truthfully its been more good than bad. Not sure what changed in the last few to trigger all of this, it’s definitely worse than it’s ever been though.
.
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A. Don’t drag your coworker into this. You need your job. Plus if your Husband becomes unhinged, it would put her life in danger and make your workplace potentially hostile.

B, sometimes you need to cut and run. But there are legal remedies for getting some or all of your investment in the farm… Hopefully it will not come to that . Time? We are looking at eternity, 15 years isn’t so long. Your BEST years might be yet to come still here on Earth. I’m Older than you and I can say this.

C. Where did this get triggered? Well, the doorway opened by Porn probably. (I told you I was older. I’ve seen too much of the demonic influences. They are real.) But any number or combinations of his past, his life choices, lies, his fallen nature… Not your business to know, because you can’t fix what is wrong with your husband. But you can fix your situation.
 
There is no way you can fix him. He must be wanting to change himself. I would recommend you call the sheriff to ask if and when you can have him arrested to at least alert the law enforcement authorities that he is a problem. I assume you live in a rural area. Also how about involving your priest? And let your family members know.

You shouldn’t even be thinking about a new relationship at this time but just separation. You need to work on yourself. Women have gotten married late in life so you aren’t worn out or dumpy but I emphasize a new relationship shouldn’t be on your mind or a consideration.

Yes, he could change but he has to want to. He sounds dangerous to me!!!
 
Viki63 said:
Dear Sister,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sure don’t need it when you are expecting a new baby next month.
the truth is, no amount of physical “contact” is normal. Pushing you, knocking you down, ramming a door into your stomach, all are abuse. Healthy, loving husbands don’t treat their wives like that. They care for them and protect their safety, especially when pregnant.

I have been where you are, and it does take a while for the truth to register. I left my first husband when I was 5 months pregnant, because he hit me one too many times.

Another truth is, that when your children witness you being abused, that is abusive to them. It will have a profound effect on their development.

Can you find a therapist or counselor or priest to talk to? Can you locate a women’s shelter for victims of domestic abuse?
Have you considered seeing a lawyer to make sure you don’t lose your children if you should choose to separate?
These are some ideas to start to think about.

You say you have been desperate to keep him happy with you. But it sounds as if you are not happy, and don’t feel safe. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be cherished and protected and loved.
Please look into finding someone nearby you can confide in.
You will get other answers here, but just know that we are all praying for you.

.
Click to expand...
Right–none of that is normal.
 
pensmama87 said:
**In addition to the advice given above, you can confide in and ask your prenatal care provider about resources to help you. At this point you’re probably going pretty frequently. **I would not lie about bruises or try to hide them. If you are in therapy, I’d also bring it up there. You may think you have no one, but these people can be incredibly helpful to you - and you can trust in their confidentiality.

You cannot “fix” physical abuse. That is a lie abusers tell to justify their behavior to their victims and to themselves. One exercise that might be helpful is to step outside the situation and imagine your sister, your friend, or even reading about this situation on the Internet. Create some emotional distance. What do the facts say? What would you tell that woman?
Click to expand...
Yeah–your doctor or midwife is probably the first line of defense right now.
 
Yes, it’s abuse, and it isn’t going to stop on its own. You need to speak with a lawyer, a priest, and a therapist, probably in that order. You need to make arrangements to get yourself and your kids out of there. The bad news is, whether this situation can be salvaged or not is entirely based on your husband’s motivation to address and change his behavior. If he wants to save his family, he needs to get his butt in the office of someone who can figure out whats wrong with him and if it’s something that can be fixed. But you need to protect yourself and your kids.
 
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