Is this physical abuse and how do I fix it? :(

[Tis_Bearself]

I just wanted to say to other posters that the OP’s post does not seem to give any indication whatsoever that her life is at risk. I may be ignorant about these cases, and I’m open to being enlightened, but the type of abuse going on does not seem faintly homicidal to me.

That is not to downplay the seriousness of her situation. But if she sees us writing things that are plainly false about her husband, it will REINFORCE her desire to stay in the relationship, since it will reinforce the notion that “those people are CAF don’t understand”. Personally, I think her husband is a man with a number of good qualities, who has a serious problem with anger and manipulation. He needs to deal with those issues over time, in a context where his wife and children are not around. And she might be better off without him, in the long run as well as the short run.

Abusers escalate. The longer the victim stays, the more he figures he can do what he wants and she won’t leave.

Have you ever been in an abuse situation?
Because I’m pretty sure based on the responses that many of us who are writing here have been in one or seen close friends or family in one. And it’s not false stuff. Educate yourself, please.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I 100% agree she is in danger, and that is what matters here.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Abusers escalate. The longer the victim stays, the more he figures he can do what he wants and she won’t leave.

I agree with this. That is why I am trying to remove obstacles to her leaving. If she thinks we are misunderstanding the situation, THAT is an obstacle to her leaving.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I agree with this. That is why I am trying to remove obstacles to her leaving. If she thinks we are misunderstanding the situation, THAT is an obstacle to her leaving.

Unfortunately, victims who are still in some denial would find a way to say we are misunderstanding the situation regardless of what is going on. This woman’'s life is in danger. As someone else said one push could cause her to fall and hit her head and that could be fatal. She is also pregnant so the life of her and a child are at risk from a push.

There was a very good first hand account of spousal abuse in a Catholic family some years ago, “Shattered Dreams”. The man in the story was I believe the head of the SEC under Reagan. He was not a homicidal maniac but he clearly had anger management issues and he nearly killed his wife by pushing her over a stair banister. There were also long periods of time between abuse incidents where he was a nice guy. But in the end he also began taking his anger out on the kids and that is when the battered wife left.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Please contact your OB with this. They are trained on dealing with these things.

I can understand not wanting to leave your home. But HE can be made to leave. And he forced to stay away.

 

[faithsmind]

I understand both of you have a long history together, and you want those times back. It does make it incredibly hard to let that go. And then you worry about the children without a stable home, you want to keep believeing that dream. It all looks so wholesome from the outside. You both go to church, live on a farm, work together. You ARE a good lady, and you didn’t choose this. Most of us have been through what you’re going through and don’t blame you for being so confused all the time. You are not crazy, just confused, and I understand why.

The kids will be ok if you leave. As long as there is one stable, consistent figure in their lives, and the drama is let go of between you two in future interactions, they will be happier and healthier for it. My kids are living proof. They are stronger, happier, and more healthy. They were fearful of Daddy, even though he never laid a hand on them and they never told me about their feelings. He broke things in front of them and was irrational with his anger. Their fears became hidden and irrational as a result. But today, they are calmer. My son doesn’t suffer from the nightmares that he used to. My daughter is more outspoken in class and doesn’t speak in whispers anymore. :bighanky: my move was worth it just for that! And don’t forget that half of that farm is yours. Eventually, with all this evidence you have gathered, you most likely will be able to get your farm back, or at least most of it. And there is no doubt in my mind that you risk losing your kids. You have loads of evidence, which was incredibly wise. I had no evidence, but the judge never even QUESTIONED my move to pack up all the kids and leave. It will not be held against you and you have nothing to fear about that.

As far as letting go of your feelings for your husband, and dealing with fears of being alone for the rest of your life… these feelings are what you need counseling with. I think it’s extremely unhealthy that you have developed no trustworthy, close female friendships (reread your first post and noticed this). Basically, you have put all your emotional needs onto your husband, and you end up extremely vulnerable because if it. Where is your female support? You need to begin developing it, or address the reasons why you haven’t done this with a counselor.

Just take one step at a time. I think your gut is telling you that you need to leave, it’s a motherly instinct to protect that baby. I think it will be more difficult to leave after you have the baby and are nursing. Frankly, there is no easy time. Can you go stay with your mom at least until you have the baby, and begin talking to some professionals about what you have written here? It’s a start.

Let us know what your priest said. I hope you’ve been honest with him about the danger. Remember he is a single man and has never experienced the psychological confusion of a pregnant, vulnerable mother and wife. He is not trained in these matters.

 

[pianistclare]

I understand both of you have a long history together, and you want those times back. It does make it incredibly hard to let that go. And then you worry about the children without a stable home, you want to keep believeing that dream. It all looks so wholesome from the outside. You both go to church, live on a farm, work together. You ARE a good lady, and you didn’t choose this. Most of us have been through what you’re going through and don’t blame you for being so confused all the time. You are not crazy, just confused, and I understand why.

The kids will be ok if you leave. As long as there is one stable, consistent figure in their lives, and the drama is let go of between you two in future interactions, they will be happier and healthier for it. My kids are living proof. They are stronger, happier, and more healthy. They were fearful of Daddy, even though he never laid a hand on them and they never told me about their feelings. He broke things in front of them and was irrational with his anger. Their fears became hidden and irrational as a result. But today, they are calmer. My son doesn’t suffer from the nightmares that he used to. My daughter is more outspoken in class and doesn’t speak in whispers anymore. :bighanky: my move was worth it just for that! And don’t forget that half of that farm is yours. Eventually, with all this evidence you have gathered, you most likely will be able to get your farm back, or at least most of it. And there is no doubt in my mind that you risk losing your kids. You have loads of evidence, which was incredibly wise. I had no evidence, but the judge never even QUESTUINED my move to pack up all the kids and leave. It will not be held against you and you have nothing to fear about that.

As far as letting go of your feelings for your husband, and dealing with fears of being alone for the rest of your life… these feelings are what you need counseling with. I think it’s extremely unhealthy that you have developed no trustworthy, close female friendships (reread your first post and noticed this). Basically, you have put all your emotional needs onto your husband, and you end up extremely vulnerable because if it. Where is your female support? You need to begin developing it, or address the reasons why you haven’t done this with a counselor.

Just take one step at a time. I think your gut is telling you that you need to leave, it’s a motherly instinct to protect that baby. I think it will be more difficult to leave after you have the baby and are nursing. Frankly, there is no easy time. Can you go stay with your mom at least until you have the baby, and begin talking to some professionals about what you have written here? It’s a start.

Let us know what your priest said. I hope you’ve been honest with him about the danger. Remember he is a single man and has never experienced the psychological confusion of a pregnant, vulnerable mother and wife. He is not trained in these matters.

I agree with everything you said except the **RED. **
Priests are not hatched. They come from families like everyone else, and have relatives who go through the same things as everyone else, and they are the cheapest therapists in the world. People tell them what they refuse to admit to a physician.
Cautioning her that he probably won’t know what to say or to hint that he may be clueless really is bad form. They are indeed trained in these types of counseling in seminary.

 

[faithsmind]

pianistclare:
I agree with everything you said except the **RED. **
Priests are not hatched. They come from families like everyone else, and have relatives who go through the same things as everyone else, and they are the cheapest therapists in the world. People tell them what they refuse to admit to a physician.
Cautioning her that he probably won’t know what to say or to hint that he may be clueless really is bad form. They are indeed trained in these types of counseling in seminary.


You know more on that than I do. It does make sense, they have a wide range of people coming to them about their most intimate issues. Good to know they DO receive some schooling on this deceptive situation.

 

[pianistclare]

You know more on that than I do. It does make sense, they have a wide range of people coming to them about their most intimate issues. Good to know they DO receive some schooling on this deceptive situation.

Well, I know we’re all praying for the same thing: Peace and safety for the OP.
God bless.

 

[twf]

As a husband and father, reading the OP filled me with fury… the door knob / bruising his pregnant wife’s belly incident was an act of pure evil. Abusing not only his wife, whom Scripture commands him to love as Christ loved the Church, but also endangering his unborn child. A truly monstrous, diabolical act. I would run… run hard and fast.
Any court of law in any civilized country would come down on such a man faster than you can blink.

 

[Viki63]

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.
.

Actually, the best way to convince him that something is wrong with his behavior, is to take action and separate. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it needs to be serious and long enough for him to realize you are not his punching bag. Until he can take steps to change and realize what he is doing.

I finally left my ex when the brick he threw at me narrowly missed my 3 year old’s head. It took that to jar me awake. You have children, and you may feel you can hold your own, but being pregnant /having a newborn makes you vulnerable. Please don’t play around with your children’s safety.
God bless.

.

 

[aroosi]

YES there is no doubt this is physical abuse.
NO, you can not fix it but you can look for help to put yourself and your children in a safe environment (many people suggested to call abuse hotlines, contact lawyer, priest etc) at least until your husband is finally recovering from alcohol addiction and learning how to manage his anger. With the help of your therapist you can also try to understand if there are issues (low self estime, past abuse, fear to remain alone etc) that are pushing you to accept as healthy and ‘normal’ a toxic relationship with a spouse that is alcoholic and violent.
The life of the animals at the farm is important but more important are your life and the lives of your children!!! It is enough a push stronger than usual and you can end up miscarring or even dead!!
May you find the help you desperately need. God bless.

 

[Farmerswife27]

All, sorry I had internet connection issues yesterday with the weather-- thank you again for the responses.

1- He was working Saturday afternoon when his mother stopped out. I showed her my arms. so she knows about this. she has always been like a mother to me as well as having annulled her first marriage due to her husband (not my husband’s father) physically abusing her. I thought she might step in and talk to him, it’s not like the marks are easy to miss and I’d have to explain them. but now, with not a word from her that I know about and her head in the sand, I think that avenue is closed. I also have a brother in law who I will talk with, he’s involved with the family as the ex-husband of my husband’s sister (who was also married to a guy who got drunk and beat on her, coincidentally). After their divorce, we have gotten and remained very close to him (her, not so much).

2- I am supposed to meet with my priest mid week.

3- Husband has been sweet as pie and very “normal.” I tried to tactfully bring this up because I’m not over it! He did apologize for “getting out of hand” but claims he tried to leave the situation and I followed him so it was my fault for not leaving him alone. (the whole fight was stupid, we were having the worst storm in years, roads flooded, tornadoes, fences down, cows out, you name it, and he was going to go to work to pump out basements in the middle of it–nothing life or death to the customers! I was upset because I wanted him to wait until it was safe to travel and followed him begging him to wait till the rain stopped and there was a way out of our valley (and ya know, to help me out with the chaos of whatever damage our place took too!). By following him to another room when his boss called so I could see what the heck was happening, I was apparently at fault. that’s when he lost his cool with me, as soon as he hung up, tried to throw me out and then when I wouldn’t move–I’m a belligerent woman sometimes–he tried to slam the door on me. THEN I left.) So it was turned into my fault, like it always does. No matter what he has done over the years, an apology from him is always “I’m sorry, but you…”

4- He was calm and fine and not really owning this mess so I told him first that I had sent the pictures and some video footage to a friend and if anything ever happened to me, they would be turned over without hesitation. I also told him this was the absolute last time I would consider not calling the police. I told him that I would not tolerate his abuse and that I was considering leaving him. His reply was “that’s not abuse, abuse is when a man just gets drunk or something and starts punching his wife for no reason.” I brought up his mother and sister and asked how he felt then and of course, “this is completely different.” whatever. and he also said “you can’t leave now” implying the new baby made me stuck (funny because 6 months ago the new baby made HIM stuck).

So, we’ll see how it goes with the priest to start with. And I know nobody believes it but I am not feeling my life is in danger, honestly, at least not yet, I’m just hurt and frustrated and tired of it all. disrespected and plain old p***ed off that he thinks this is OK and also that his mother is mute on it. I will keep you all posted. thank you again, many hugs!

 

[pianistclare]

The “I’m sorry but you” bit is your notification to start walking. He has no plans to change.

Good luck.

 

[twf]

To be blunt, no sweet words can excuse the fact that he risked his unborn child. There are no words to describe how monstrous such an action is… bruising your pregnant belly was criminal and evil… beyond the pale. That his mother has turned a blind eye is beyond my comprehension… I can’t conceive of even a remotely half decent human being not taking immediate action to help you. Be completely honest with your priest. He can help you. You are the victim here, not your husband… you and your children are at risk. Your unborn child is at risk. No decent father with even a shred of humanity could even fathom in his darkest hour striking his pregnant wife in any fashion… as a father I can’t describe the rage it fills me with… it’s the fruit of Satan. Plain and simple.

I’m pretty sure your mother in law is also liable before the courts. If it comes out that she knew her son was physically abiding you, you asked her for help, and she did nothing…that’s not the response of a normal human being. Praying for you.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

You are in the denial stage.

Have you taken any bruising to the doctor?

Have you told a doctor that a door was slammed into your unborn baby , leaving external bruising, and asking for an ultrasound etc to check the baby is ok?

Is either of you thinking there is the potential for injury to the baby from having a door slammed on it sufficiernt to damage its environment to bruise?

We dont ride horses in late pregnancy for 1 reason.

Here is a reality check. That knob HAS potentially damaged your baby.

"Today he tried to slam a door on my 8+ month pregnant belly because I was in the doorway trying to reason with him and wouldn’t leave when I was told–hard enough that the knob left a bruise on my belly. “”

Nowhere in these posts is there any concern by either of you about this.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

3- Husband has been sweet as pie and very “normal.” I tried to tactfully bring this up because I’m not over it! He did apologize for “getting out of hand” but claims he tried to leave the situation and I followed him so it was my fault for not leaving him alone. (the whole fight was stupid, we were having the worst storm in years, roads flooded, tornadoes, fences down, cows out, you name it, and he was going to go to work to pump out basements in the middle of it–nothing life or death to the customers! I was upset because I wanted him to wait until it was safe to travel and followed him begging him to wait till the rain stopped and there was a way out of our valley (and ya know, to help me out with the chaos of whatever damage our place took too!). By following him to another room when his boss called so I could see what the heck was happening, I was apparently at fault. that’s when he lost his cool with me, as soon as he hung up, tried to throw me out and then when I wouldn’t move–I’m a belligerent woman sometimes–he tried to slam the door on me. THEN I left.) So it was turned into my fault, like it always does. No matter what he has done over the years, an apology from him is always “I’m sorry, but you…”

Getting roped into arguments like this seems a bit like taking the bait. If he has you in an argument, he has you. Let your actions talk, not your words. Get out of this situation.

 

[Farmerswife27]

You are in the denial stage.

Have you taken any bruising to the doctor?

Have you told a doctor that a door was slammed into your unborn baby , leaving external bruising, and asking for an ultrasound etc to check the baby is ok?

Is either of you thinking there is the potential for injury to the baby from having a door slammed on it sufficiernt to damage its environment to bruise?

We dont ride horses in late pregnancy for 1 reason.

Here is a reality check. That knob HAS potentially damaged your baby.

"Today he tried to slam a door on my 8+ month pregnant belly because I was in the doorway trying to reason with him and wouldn’t leave when I was told–hard enough that the knob left a bruise on my belly. “”

Nowhere in these posts is there any concern by either of you about this.

I have an appointment this week but honestly I was definitely concerned about the baby which is why I dropped everything and left the room, now I think baby is fine, still wiggling and normal feeling. It was a small mark there the worst is on my arms. I stopped riding months ago,too.

I probably am in denial, but things really were good until a couple years ago, now I’m just hoping to salvage it. At least buy me some time to sort out my career, animals, etc as well as ensure custody of my kids… none of which I will walk away from without a fight.

 

[pianistclare]

I have an appointment this week but honestly I was definitely concerned about the baby which is why I dropped everything and left the room, now I think baby is fine, still wiggling and normal feeling. It was a small mark there the worst is on my arms. I stopped riding months ago,too.

I probably am in denial, but things really were good until a couple years ago, now I’m just hoping to salvage it. At least buy me some time to sort out my career, animals, etc as well as ensure custody of my kids… none of which I will walk away from without a fight.

Don’t think there will not be a fight.
If he’ll physically fight with you he will fight fro the farm, the horses, the kid, anything you treasure because the world will see him without his cover.
My point is, you cannot orchestrate an event-less withdrawal. You have to go cold turkey, and thrust God.
Where is your relationship with God in all this?
What are you asking HIM to do for your situation?

 

[MSSheBear]

Farmerswife27 please pay attention to PianistClare’s and other’s posts. I will go out on a tangent here and say that I would be surprised if your mother in law sided with you. Don’t expect it. Try to get help with your own family or friends. Be careful with your husband and don’t leave your children with him. I hope you have good luck with the priest. I will be praying for you.