Is this physical abuse and how do I fix it? :(

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Get out now.
The livestock are not going to raise your children while you are in the hospital or worse.
Call the Battered Women’s shelter NOW, call the police and have them watch you pack some things, and don’t go back with out the police escort. Alert your pastor and and he will help you as well as secure help among the parishioners.

Go now.
 
pensmama87 said:
Abusers are notorious for claiming “crimes of passion,” but simultaneously having enough control to make sure they only gradually escalate violence as the victim comes to accept as normal, and to hit where it won’t show, leave a mark, or can be easily explained by other things.

Abuse is not normal anger. Violence is not normal anger.
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I’m totally confused – do you think I’m defending this jerk? :confused:

The fact is, though, that you don’t know whether he is under control. And it doesn’t matter whether he is “under control” – that is, whether he is making these decisions deliberately. The risk and the stakes are the same, either way. Abuse is abuse.

But the only way I can read your words, “violence is not normal anger” is to imply that every person who ever strikes another person or acts violently is perfectly in control of their decisions. That’s not true. Even if a person is capable of staying within certain boundaries, they may nevertheless be completely out of control – they may utterly lack the ability to regulate their anger. That may do something to excuse their actions from a theological standpoint, but it doesn’t matter AT ALL to their victims. Their victims need to be protected.
 
Yes I should have been more clear. I seeked council a year or so ago, for the second time. The first time around he went to catholic council along with me the first session, then decided it was bogus. The second Time was last fall when he wanted a divorce and wouldn’t go with me, things had spiraled down in the year after I found out about his porn use. I believe that has at least stopped…

I told the therapist about our fights but did not bring anything physical up for fear of social services showing up. I’ve heard the nightmares that come along once they get involved. If it comes to it, I’d rather load up my kids and trailer and disappear.
 
Your safety and that of your children are paramount. You need to take action to ensure you and they are safe. You can leave and once in a place of safety let him know that you will only consider returning to the family home once he has demonstrated that he is taking concrete steps to correct his behaviour, alcohol abuse, violence and pornography etc.

Don’t think too far ahead right now. Just take steps to ensure you and the children’s safety and worry about everything else later on.

Blessings to you.
 
Would loading up your kids in the trailer and disappearing put the custody of your children at risk? Be careful.
 
As long as she goes to a shelter and has evidence in tape of his abuse, it will not. She also needs to go to court and file for a restraining order with the evidence if the bruises and her tape. But first leave without a trace.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Would loading up your kids in the trailer and disappearing put the custody of your children at risk? Be careful.
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Probably. I can’t help but think too that I shouldn’t have to leave my home!!! That’s not fair, I’m not causing this. I just want a normal family and marriage. I’m so tired of all these issues, I didn’t sign up for this drama!

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.

I also have a career to consider, here as well, one I’ve worked hard at for 7 years to get where I am, I have my home that I’ve put countless hours into, myself. Our cattle herd is finally becoming productive and my horses are here-- valuable show horses, not backyard pets- and he knows they are the quickest way to get to me, outside of the kids and my dog. We have put a ridiculous amount of our time and wages and most of our savings into the farm- repairs, equipment, construction, improvements to get to where we both have what we want here, & have done without a lot to accomplish it. I’m just plain not ready to surrender and give it all up to go live in a shelter.

If a time comes where I don’t feel my kids or I am safe, I’ll look into that option, but meanwhile I’d be more likely to call the cops and get him hauled off. He has not yet done anything that scares me for our physical safety… more he just makes me so angry and upset. I’m not a pushover, I can hold my own if it comes to that, I just don’t want to take the bait and see if he really unravels.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and suggestions and prayers. I do plan to talk to my priest tomorrow and will update everyone after. I’m sort of hoping he will pull my husband aside after he hears my story and maybe he can make him see how wrong he is to try to hurt me or to warp his idea of a husband’s role. I do desperately want a 3rd person involved in this but it’s hard when he places all of the blame on me. And honestly, I am probably placing too much of the blame on him- not for physical confrontation but for starting fights to begin with.
 
It took me years to finally accept that I was in a dangerous, wrongful situation and have enough courage to leave behind everything.

But your house is on fire, and you need to take your valuables and flee. The priest will not be able to reason with your husband. If anything, your husband will become angry with you for ratting him out and embarrassing him in front of the priest. If your husband can’t even accept the fact that he left bruises on you, then he’s lost all ability to be a safe and rational husband.

You have to be willing to leave all these temporary things of this world behind. When it comes down to it, they aren’t what make you, you. You are a child of God. It’s very difficult to accept these realities. You have been brainwashed. You really do need to open up to a respected friend about this and swallow your pride, because I think this is what it ultimately comes down to.
 
Farmerswife27 said:
Probably. I can’t help but think too that I shouldn’t have to leave my home!!! That’s not fair, I’m not causing this. I just want a normal family and marriage. I’m so tired of all these issues, I didn’t sign up for this drama!

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.

I also have a career to consider, here as well, one I’ve worked hard at for 7 years to get where I am, I have my home that I’ve put countless hours into, myself. Our cattle herd is finally becoming productive and my horses are here-- valuable show horses, not backyard pets- and he knows they are the quickest way to get to me, outside of the kids and my dog. We have put a ridiculous amount of our time and wages and most of our savings into the farm- repairs, equipment, construction, improvements to get to where we both have what we want here, & have done without a lot to accomplish it. I’m just plain not ready to surrender and give it all up to go live in a shelter.

If a time comes where I don’t feel my kids or I am safe, I’ll look into that option, but meanwhile I’d be more likely to call the cops and get him hauled off. He has not yet done anything that scares me for our physical safety… more he just makes me so angry and upset. I’m not a pushover, I can hold my own if it comes to that, I just don’t want to take the bait and see if he really unravels.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and suggestions and prayers. I do plan to talk to my priest tomorrow and will update everyone after. I’m sort of hoping he will pull my husband aside after he hears my story and maybe he can make him see how wrong he is to try to hurt me or to warp his idea of a husband’s role. I do desperately want a 3rd person involved in this but it’s hard when he places all of the blame on me. And honestly, I am probably placing too much of the blame on him- not for physical confrontation but for starting fights to begin with.
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No matter what a 3rd party says, you’d still have to go home with him afterward.

If he’s in his right mind, he knows what he is doing is wrong. If he doesn’t understand that what he is doing is wrong, he is not in his right mind.
 
Exactly, the only witness that will have ANY sort of impression on him is the police. Call them. Get them to watch you pack up and leave. Have them tell you where the safe house for women is.

You will not leave your house forever. You are going from 0-90 on this.
What good is a house when you are in traction?
What are you teaching your children by sticking around?

There are MANY of us who have lived through horrible abusive situations. At the very least, listen. If you won’t listen here…go to the battered women’s shelter and look into the eyes of another woman who has been there.

If you want it to change, then YOU have to change, YOU have to make a move, and YOU have to seek real help, not just tell your story.

Many are praying for you.
 
faithsmind said:
It took me years to finally accept that I was in a dangerous, wrongful situation and have enough courage to leave behind everything.

But your house is on fire, and you need to take your valuables and flee. The priest will not be able to reason with your husband. If anything, your husband will become angry with you for ratting him out and embarrassing him in front of the priest. If your husband can’t even accept the fact that he left bruises on you, then he’s lost all ability to be a safe and rational husband.

You have to be willing to leave all these temporary things of this world behind. When it comes down to it, they aren’t what make you, you. You are a child of God. It’s very difficult to accept these realities. You have been brainwashed. You really do need to open up to a respected friend about this and swallow your pride, because I think this is what it ultimately comes down to.
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When your house is on fire, you gather up the living beings, flee, and call the fire department. If the fire department can save the stuff, great. If not, better to get out alive than to risk your life over things that can be replaced.

If you are in a situation of domestic abuse, gather up the living beings and get out. If the courts can save your finances, great. If not, better to get out alive than to risk your life over things that can be replaced.

More than half of women murdered in the U.S. are killed by a current or former male romantic partner. One in six are pregnant at the time of death. 11.2% of victims of intimate partner-related homicide experienced some form of violence in the month preceding their deaths, and argument and jealousy were common precipitating circumstances.
cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/66/wr/mm6628a1.htm?s_cid=mm6628a1_w

OP, you have experienced physical violence on more than one occasion. You know you were not harmed in an isolated incident that can reasonably be expected to never be repeated. Don’t delay, then. Get away from the greatest threat to your life, and go somewhere you really will be safe.
 
Farmerswife27 said:
Probably. I can’t help but think too that I shouldn’t have to leave my home!!! That’s not fair, I’m not causing this. I just want a normal family and marriage. I’m so tired of all these issues, I didn’t sign up for this drama!

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.

I also have a career to consider, here as well, one I’ve worked hard at for 7 years to get where I am, I have my home that I’ve put countless hours into, myself. Our cattle herd is finally becoming productive and my horses are here-- valuable show horses, not backyard pets- and he knows they are the quickest way to get to me, outside of the kids and my dog. We have put a ridiculous amount of our time and wages and most of our savings into the farm- repairs, equipment, construction, improvements to get to where we both have what we want here, & have done without a lot to accomplish it. I’m just plain not ready to surrender and give it all up to go live in a shelter.

If a time comes where I don’t feel my kids or I am safe, I’ll look into that option, but meanwhile I’d be more likely to call the cops and get him hauled off. He has not yet done anything that scares me for our physical safety… more he just makes me so angry and upset. I’m not a pushover, I can hold my own if it comes to that, I just don’t want to take the bait and see if he really unravels.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and suggestions and prayers. I do plan to talk to my priest tomorrow and will update everyone after. I’m sort of hoping he will pull my husband aside after he hears my story and maybe he can make him see how wrong he is to try to hurt me or to warp his idea of a husband’s role. I do desperately want a 3rd person involved in this but it’s hard when he places all of the blame on me. And honestly, I am probably placing too much of the blame on him- not for physical confrontation but for starting fights to begin with.
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OP, I’m a horsewoman with my own farm, and I understand how your horses and your personal investment in the farm complicates things greatly…but, truly, that should not be given as much weight as you seem to be giving it. You can figure out ways to do what’s best for yourself, your children, and your horses without making excuses for your husband’s abuse.

No, it’s not fair that all this extra burden falls on you when he should be your partner, not someone who harms you, and that stinks that he’s taken that twisted path. But you can be resourceful and move your family and animals or make him move.
 
Xantippe said:
If he’s a good guy, your livestock will be safe with him without you.

If he’s not a good guy, you and your children aren’t safe with him.
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Brilliantly put.

The fact that you’re worried, OP, about leaving the horses with him says your instincts are telling you he’s dangerous.
 
Yes, you are being abused. There are places that help victims of domestic violence to formulate an “escape plan”. The tricky thing is that you need to do so in a way that he is unaware of it, because one of the things that abusers do is to try to cut off “escape routes”.
 
Farmers wife, what you are writing and expressing is normal. These are the questions we all work through.

Is this normal
Is this my fault
Can I fix this
I don’t want to leave my life
Something must have caused this.
Is this bruising really abuse
I am tough , I got this

All normal questions we work through

You might run through this round of questioning several times before you act , physically on the answers. That’s ok. But start asking these questions

Is the boundary of acceptable behaviour being pushed out with each episode
How often is he having to apologise for his behaviour
How are you explaining away your bruises
How is he explaining away your bruises.

You are really vulnerable ATM. Heavily pregnant, and soon with a new born.

In Australia, one woman a week is killed by a partner or an ex. All it takes is for him to push you over, for you to hit your head.

ATM he is pulling his punches, that is a deliberate threat to you, meant to intimidate you. It’s deliberate.
One day, those punches will follow through.

🙏🕊️…
 
Farmerswife27 said:
Probably. I can’t help but think too that I shouldn’t have to leave my home!!! That’s not fair, I’m not causing this. I just want a normal family and marriage. I’m so tired of all these issues, I didn’t sign up for this drama!

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.

I also have a career to consider, here as well, one I’ve worked hard at for 7 years to get where I am, I have my home that I’ve put countless hours into, myself. Our cattle herd is finally becoming productive and my horses are here-- valuable show horses, not backyard pets- and he knows they are the quickest way to get to me, outside of the kids and my dog. We have put a ridiculous amount of our time and wages and most of our savings into the farm- repairs, equipment, construction, improvements to get to where we both have what we want here, & have done without a lot to accomplish it. I’m just plain not ready to surrender and give it all up to go live in a shelter.

If a time comes where I don’t feel my kids or I am safe, I’ll look into that option, but meanwhile I’d be more likely to call the cops and get him hauled off. He has not yet done anything that scares me for our physical safety… more he just makes me so angry and upset. I’m not a pushover, I can hold my own if it comes to that, I just don’t want to take the bait and see if he really unravels.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and suggestions and prayers. I do plan to talk to my priest tomorrow and will update everyone after. I’m sort of hoping he will pull my husband aside after he hears my story and maybe he can make him see how wrong he is to try to hurt me or to warp his idea of a husband’s role. I do desperately want a 3rd person involved in this but it’s hard when he places all of the blame on me. And honestly, I am probably placing too much of the blame on him- not for physical confrontation but for starting fights to begin with.
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Tell your OB what is going on. They are trained on how to handle domestic violence. Do you have help with the cattle and livestock? Or at home?

Because an order of protection issued by a judge might be enough to have HIM removed from the home.

Your children should not be witnessing this abuse.

I hope your priest calls the police. Seriously.
 
I just wanted to say to other posters that the OP’s post does not seem to give any indication whatsoever that her life is at risk. I may be ignorant about these cases, and I’m open to being enlightened, but the type of abuse going on does not seem faintly homicidal to me.

That is not to downplay the seriousness of her situation. But if she sees us writing things that are plainly false about her husband, it will REINFORCE her desire to stay in the relationship, since it will reinforce the notion that “those people are CAF don’t understand”. Personally, I think her husband is a man with a number of good qualities, who has a serious problem with anger and manipulation. He needs to deal with those issues over time, in a context where his wife and children are not around. And she might be better off without him, in the long run as well as the short run.
 
I can tell you this from personal experience.

When these people who verbally and physically abuse get angry enough, they do get incredibly violent. Any man who will shove his pregnant wife around is a DANGER.

She is in DANGER.
I also know many horsewomen, and they rally around each other. They and their husbands will see to the daily care of the horses. They do this at stables and for each on each other’s farms. It’s an incredible network. But enough already about the horses!

She should:
Call the police.
Tell the priest.
Get a restraining order as soon as she leaves (the battered women’s agency will help with that.)
Wait until such time that she can return home safely with her kids, and if she can’t, she should stay at the hidden shelter, every county has one.
Get into group therapy (free in her area through Battered Women’s groups, just ask the cops) and begin to understand that she has been brainwashed into thinking it’s about her, her issues, and she can fix him.
Pre-marital counseling 101: You are not going to FIX anyone. I have no idea if he was always like this and it was explained away…I’m only saying that in every other instance, it’s a standard credo: you can’t fix someone else. You can protect yourself though. And if you need specialized help in that area, that’s what the police are for. They do this every day. They won’t think ill of you, they will help. Do not go back to that house until he is out of it, and when you do return, have a police escort.

I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE.

Best wishes, I hope you can get away from him. Any other thoughts of reconciliation, what will happen in the future, what the upshot will be…are way on down this road. Not to be worried about today today. TODAY, your concern is the safety of yourself and your kids.
 
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