Is this physical abuse and how do I fix it? :(

[Farmerswife27]

I don’t know. I just beg God to sort out my marriage, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t know. I just beg God to sort out my marriage, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

You need to talk to the child of a parent abused by the other parent. It is child abuse to have to witness that, whether it is physical or mental.

What is going to become of your children, if this does not stop? You owe it to them to stop it. That ought to be where your urgency and courage come from, if nowhere else.

If you have not seen what has been going on, do not expect his mother to see it. Do not expect anyone who has only seen him on “good behavior” to see it or believe it. Be brave, and do what the truth requires you to do, all the same. If your children do not know the truth now, they will.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t know. I just beg God to sort out my marriage, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

Don’t think of the worst.
Consider the BEST outcome:
You could be safe
You could have self esteem and feel worthy of love
You could not have to make excuses for him
You could have your children growing up with a positive image of men
Your son (if you have one) would understand what is not acceptable for a man
You could be free from FEAR

 

[Yogi89]

That’s definitely physical abuse. Getting away from him doesn’t mean you need to get divorced, but you could at least stay maybe with your parents or somewhere safe for a little while. Let him know that it’s not OK. I’m not an expert at giving advice on these type of situations, but I would be so worried about that baby and your kids. And, in a way, him being all of a sudden so sweet and kind would almost annoy me, because he needs to work on the bigger issue. Being sweet is easy to do. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, I just really can’t stand hearing about a man physically hurting a woman, especially his wife who’s pregnant. If he at least could see that it was wrong, it would make a little better, but he believes he did nothing wrong. I hope that everything goes well for your family. God Bless!

 

[AbideWithMe]

Don’t think of the worst.
Consider the BEST outcome:
You could be safe
You could have self esteem and feel worthy of love
You could not have to make excuses for him
You could have your children growing up with a positive image of men
Your son (if you have one) would understand what is not acceptable for a man
You could be free from FEAR

Yes!

People are praying for you and your family (and your horses).

 

[augustinegirl]

I don’t think that’s how anger works. We have tons of instinctive checks on our actions, and “don’t hit someone” may be just such an instinctive check. The ability to refrain from actual striking does not mean that someone is making deliberate cool-headed decisions.

That would only be true if disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and the like didn’t exist. Some people really are that calculating.

 

[augustinegirl]

The OP also assuming “if I leave him no one else will want me and I’d rather be in a terrible marriage than be alone” is also very troubling because “you suck and if you left me no one would want you” is indeed part and parcel of much of the abusive experience.

This is an excellent point. OP, you are a beloved child of God. We are often asked to stick up for those we love. We stick up for others because we see that they are made in the image and likeness of God, and they are God’s adopted children.

…So are you, OP. You must stick up for yourself by reporting him and leaving. Do not deceive yourself. Abuse only gets worse.

Also agree with whoever said to read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. They have many other very helpful books as well.

Please know that I am praying for you and your family. What you’ve experienced is not love. Your husband has good qualities, of course, but his behavior is putting his soul in danger and your lives in danger.

 

[augustinegirl]

I just wanted to say to other posters that the OP’s post does not seem to give any indication whatsoever that her life is at risk. I may be ignorant about these cases, and I’m open to being enlightened, but the type of abuse going on does not seem faintly homicidal to me.

That is not to downplay the seriousness of her situation. But if she sees us writing things that are plainly false about her husband, it will REINFORCE her desire to stay in the relationship, since it will reinforce the notion that “those people are CAF don’t understand”. Personally, I think her husband is a man with a number of good qualities, who has a serious problem with anger and manipulation. He needs to deal with those issues over time, in a context where his wife and children are not around. And she might be better off without him, in the long run as well as the short run.

I’m not an expert on these cases, but I do know a good amount and hear from social workers about these kinds of things. This type of abuse is certainly homicidal. That doesn’t mean that it will definitely lead to homicide, but simply that there are many women who felt the same exact way and either ended up dead or close to it. That’s what makes abuse so extremely dangerous. Many men who have killed their wives out of homicidal rage will be upset afterwards, but the reality is that they have still done it. Whether she realizes it or not, the OP and her children are in imminent danger while still living with him. Please read up on abuse and especially its relationship to homicide. It is extremely insidious and dangerous.

The victims are brainwashed. I’m 100% sure that her husband has good qualities, but that’s why abuse is dangerous. It is not rational and we try to rationalize it because of those good qualities, but we will never be able to do so. She is certainly better off without him for now and perhaps for always (in fact when dealing with abuse, that’s likely). He’s already broken his vows by being the reason for her sickness and lack of health (mental or otherwise).

 

[augustinegirl]

I don’t know. I just beg God to sort out my marriage, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

OP, it is so clear reading your messages that your worth and beauty has been completely disregarded, abused, taken for granted, etc., by your husband who is likely projecting his self-hatred onto you. Please look up lists of signs of abuse; you will be shocked by how much you’ll relate to. It is very important to be able to identify abusive behavior.

It is perfectly understandable that you want to fix things with your husband and you want him to become the husband that you need, but God works through our ordinary situations. Right now, God wants you to use the gift of reason that He’s given you and the conscience inside. That does NOT mean a warped form of reason or conscience that makes you . Anyone outside of your situation would tell you that you need to get out or you need to get him out. Either way, the longer you stay with him, the greater the chance that he’ll try to change your mind and you may not decide to leave. You could be on a roller coaster for years.

Aside from being violently hurt, the fear of being alone is one of the biggest reasons why victims stay with their abusers. He has manipulated you either by word or action into thinking that you are not worth someone good or that those people do not exist. I cannot guarantee one way or another that you will find someone else, but I can tell you that you already have a man (Jesus) who loves you so much it hurts and even died for you. He would never treat you that way. Fall in love with him, and listen to what He says to you. He is weeping for you. He wants to hold you and protect you.

Praise God, praise God, praise God that you are starting to see that he’s been manipulating you for years!!! Please realize that his manipulation will cloud your judgment and already has. He has been molding you, whether he knows it or not. Abuse is so effective because it allows another person’s voice inside your head to control your thoughts and behaviors. God is the only voice you should listen to. A husband is supposed to make you protected and safe, and lead your soul to heaven. It sounds like he is more concerned with his own ego if he pushes you or berates you for going against him.

---

Another point I’d like to make: when we love someone, it is very hard to call them an abuser. We know the good inside of them, and we know the brokenness they might have experienced. We picture abusers the same way that your husband described them: violent drunks. That couldn’t be farther from the truth (though some certainly are violent drunks). People only stay with abusers because there is some good there. The thing is, everyone has good qualities, but that does not make everyone healthy. Abuse is hard to recognize because to the victim, it doesn’t appear black and white (though it does to educated people on the outside). You are probably thinking “but you don’t really know him!” But we don’t have to. Abuse is abuse, and abusers need help. You are fueling his abuse by staying (I only say this because it might be the only thing you resonate with), and he is hurting you much more. You and your children are the true victims here.

God desires so much more for your husband than to be abusive, and so much more for you and your children than to be abused. Though what’s more important here is your safety and the safety of your children (by the way, I’m not just talking about physical safety; your children could be influenced emotionally, or learn behaviors from him, or if he’s Catholic they could decide later in life that because of their father, they don’t even believe in God; this happens a lot in abusive situations), the best way to get through to you while you’re still living in the fog of his half-truths is for you to realize that this relationship is also damaging to him. It is not because you are at fault, but because he needs to be separated from you and anyone that he can hurt in order to learn not to manipulate people. He has learned to control and manipulate; those are tricks powered by evil. He needs to be separated from you all if he ever has any chance of changing. Waiting around is only going to enable him, and it will only damage you and your children more. I know you might not see that, but it’s true.

I’m so sorry that some people have denied the abuse, but it is definitely there. You will be in my prayers, OP.

 

[augustinegirl]

Actually, the best way to convince him that something is wrong with his behavior, is to take action and separate. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it needs to be serious and long enough for him to realize you are not his punching bag. Until he can take steps to change and realize what he is doing.

Very true. And you need to leave in order to realize that you aren’t his punching bag. Obviously you know you aren’t physically, but you need to realize that abuse is emotional, mental, and verbal as well (and these stages usually come first, before the physical component)

 

[HNA444]

Very true. And you need to leave in order to realize that you aren’t his punching bag. Obviously you know you aren’t physically, but you need to realize that abuse is emotional, mental, and verbal as well (and these stages usually come first, before the physical component)

How is it not physical already? He gave her bruises and scratch marks.

 

[Magdalen2013]

I don’t know. I just beg God to sort out my marriage, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

God helps those that help themselves – your children’s well-being is more important than your stupid husband. Get out before you or your little ones become another statistic. Women are murdered every day because they won’t leave these cretins.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

That would only be true if disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and the like didn’t exist. Some people really are that calculating.

My point wasn’t that ALL violent people are simply dealing with uncontrolled anger; it was that SOME of them are.

 

[pianistclare]

OP,
After all these pages, and pretty much 99% agreement that you need to get out…

I hope you see by your thread title that he has already warped your thinking.

You CANNOT fix it. For the simple reason that you did not create it.

It’s not about horses or a house.

It’s about LIFE.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

OP,
After all these pages, and pretty much 99% agreement that you need to get out…

I hope you see by your thread title that he has already warped your thinking.

You CANNOT fix it. For the simple reason that you did not create it.

It’s not about horses or a house.

It’s about LIFE.

 

[Legend]

Probably. I can’t help but think too that I shouldn’t have to leave my home!!! That’s not fair, I’m not causing this. I just want a normal family and marriage. I’m so tired of all these issues, I didn’t sign up for this drama!

I really want to fix our marriage. (yes I’ve heard everything you have all said and I know I must sound crazy). and for someone to step in and make him see that this isn’t normal behavior and thinking! Short of willingly seeking help with me or on his own, I don’t see how it can happen. There has to be a way to convince him to try.

I also have a career to consider, here as well, one I’ve worked hard at for 7 years to get where I am, I have my home that I’ve put countless hours into, myself. Our cattle herd is finally becoming productive and my horses are here-- valuable show horses, not backyard pets- and he knows they are the quickest way to get to me, outside of the kids and my dog. We have put a ridiculous amount of our time and wages and most of our savings into the farm- repairs, equipment, construction, improvements to get to where we both have what we want here, & have done without a lot to accomplish it. I’m just plain not ready to surrender and give it all up to go live in a shelter.

If a time comes where I don’t feel my kids or I am safe, I’ll look into that option, but meanwhile I’d be more likely to call the cops and get him hauled off. He has not yet done anything that scares me for our physical safety… more he just makes me so angry and upset. I’m not a pushover, I can hold my own if it comes to that, I just don’t want to take the bait and see if he really unravels.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words and suggestions and prayers. I do plan to talk to my priest tomorrow and will update everyone after. I’m sort of hoping he will pull my husband aside after he hears my story and maybe he can make him see how wrong he is to try to hurt me or to warp his idea of a husband’s role. I do desperately want a 3rd person involved in this but it’s hard when he places all of the blame on me. And honestly, I am probably placing too much of the blame on him- not for physical confrontation but for starting fights to begin with.

Farmerswife,
I’ve read most of your posts, but…He threatens to hurt animals? That is one of the classic signs of a person with a controlling personality! When are you going to stop making excuses for this man, when you find your horses dead, injured, or missing? You started with the classic tale of your being abused, while pregnant, nonetheless, and are now saying that he’s not that bad, that some of it was your fault? If it was all your fault, the proper way for a man to act with a woman is never to hit or push her!

At this point, I doubt you’ll do the right thing, seeing that you, your children, and your pets are safe! You have answered more than most women with this problem, but you still haven’t removed yourself, or him, to a place where you can’t be hurt by him. You’ve gone the other way…trying to justify him!

If the horses are owned in your name, you can have them moved to a place that’s safe. I know I can sound harsh…but I also know what a man with such a personality can do to his family.

Please, be honest with your priest, Doctor, and therapist. They are there to help you…but can’t, unless you’re totally honest. I know that it will take a lot for you to leave him. Maybe, with the tapes you have made, can get him removed from the home…with strict regulations about visitation, child support,and time he gets to work on the farm. The fact that these tapes exist shows that you knew something was wrong. If he’s still in the home when you deliver your child, he will probably be ‘nice’ for a while. Don’t interpret this as a permanent change. And, if possible get those tapes to a place where he can’t get at them. Maybe a safe deposit box.

Hope it works out well for you…but protect yourself.

 

[tinamn]

I don’t know. ** I just beg God to sort out my marriage**, to help him be the husband I need. To look over our family. To help me be a good wife and mother. I think sadly I’m more scared of being alone and a single mom than I am of him seriously hurting me/us. It’s more mental to me, he’s really gotten into my head. After reading these threads over again tonight, I can see how he’s been manipulating my emotions and self worth for years.

It is my firm belief that God gives us the tools we need to do the things we ask of him, as opposed to just “waving a wand” and fixing things. It seems that a good start to “sorting out your marriage” would be you taking control of the situation by removing yourself and your children from harm. At this point it seems your husband can not be who you need without some major changes on HIS part - you cannot fix him; you could be absolutely perfect and he will still do these things until he wants to change and fix it himself.

You have gotten a lot of good advice in this thread - these things are all tools you can use to take control and start changing your situation for the better.

Let me tell you this as well: My husband is a severe alcoholic with additional mental health issues. I put up with it for 10 years. I kept telling myself “next time I will do something about it.” Things would be good for a couple weeks, and then something else would happen, but I wouldn’t do anything because I would think “well, there were a few weeks of good, so something I did must have worked, I just need to try harder… and next time I will for sure do something about it.”

I eventually got to the point where I decided the safety of my children and myself, not to mention our physical/mental health, was more important than the house, the land, the things he would try to tell people about me (true or not). I would rather live in a hotel with my children than put them and myself through what I made us suffer through because in my twisted logic at the time (twisted by him as well), those things somehow were more important. They are not. It just took me awhile to figure that out, and I hope you are able to make that discovery as well.

I really wanted to fix my marriage as well. I worked with a really good counselor, who helped me realize that IF it was possible to work on my marriage, it would be a good, LONG time before my husband could be at the point where he would be able to sincerely work on it as well (if ever, unfortunately in my situation). Beyond that, I myself would need to do some work before I would be ready to work on fixing a relationship (learning about boundaries, communicating better, etc). Any “steps” to repairing the relationship at this point in your situation would be fruitless, and potentially harmful since it appears he cannot control himself.

Please contact a women’s shelter, and do not leave your kids behind.