I've given an ultimatum-now what?

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You’ve given an ultimatum, now you MUST follow through otherwise he will not take you serious. You’ve been after him for 5 years and evidently he never took you seriously.

CALL YOUR FATHER, NOW!!!
 
Leonie - you’ve got it! All in love and charity.

Move that dryer, get your pantry, and start squirrelling money away for the hookup.

Your husband is blessed to have you as his wife!

Good luck!
Debbie
 
I understand why you do not want to ask your father. What if you gently let him know that your dad is available at the beginning of October? Or, maybe the first Saturday of Oct, you wake him up nicely and say that it is time to move the dryer and you get started on it. Would he leave you to do it alone? Would he get angry?
 
Maybe you could tell your husband that you talked with your father and he is available on a particular weekend to help your husband move the dryer? This would give your husband the opportunity to just move the dryer himself beforehand or to do it with your father and still save face. If your hubby says that he will get to it himself, then just say that dad will be coming over that weekend anyway in case he can’t get to it by then. The ball is squarely in your husband’s court at that point and he will choose if he abdicates the chore to your father, not you.

I’m not married, but my wonderful father is the King of Procrastination when it comes to our house or cars. Let a neighbor or stranger need help and he is up to his arms in whatever, roofing their house, towing their car, moving the entire contents of their garage, stopping to upright an overturned truck on the highway (I’m not exaggerating). One time he went to the grocery for a couple of items (a 30 minute trip) and disappeared for 1/2 the day helping an elderly man while Mom worried that he had been in an accident or something. He came home without the food! Thank God for cell phones now so we know he is OK!

My mother says that the Bible never said what the good Samaritan’s wife said to him when he got home hours late and with dirty, ruined clothes. It probably wasn’t pretty.
 
stadre said:
I understand why you do not want to ask your father. What if you gently let him know that your dad is available at the beginning of October? Or, maybe the first Saturday of Oct, you wake him up nicely and say that it is time to move the dryer and you get started on it. Would he leave you to do it alone? Would he get angry?
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October is bow season. I have no hope of any household repair during deer season. 😦
 
jc-servant said:
Maybe you could tell your husband that you talked with your father and he is available on a particular weekend to help your husband move the dryer? This would give your husband the opportunity to just move the dryer himself beforehand or to do it with your father and still save face. If your hubby says that he will get to it himself, then just say that dad will be coming over that weekend anyway in case he can’t get to it by then. The ball is squarely in your husband’s court at that point and he will choose if he abdicates the chore to your father, not you.
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hmmm, that sounds like a good idea–except, I know that my husband is working next weekend. I wish I’d have thought of that earlier.
jc-servant said:
I’m not married, but my wonderful father is the King of Procrastination when it comes to our house or cars. Let a neighbor or stranger need help and he is up to his arms in whatever, roofing their house, towing their car, moving the entire contents of their garage, stopping to upright an overturned truck on the highway (I’m not exaggerating). One time he went to the grocery for a couple of items (a 30 minute trip) and disappeared for 1/2 the day helping an elderly man while Mom worried that he had been in an accident or something. He came home without the food! Thank God for cell phones now so we know he is OK!

.
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I know this is a common problem that husbands aren’t eager to help at home, but willing to help others. It’d be nice if we all just traded husbands for the work.
 
stadre said:
I understand why you do not want to ask your father. What if you gently let him know that your dad is available at the beginning of October? Or, maybe the first Saturday of Oct, you wake him up nicely and say that it is time to move the dryer and you get started on it. Would he leave you to do it alone? Would he get angry?
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Well, I can’t go into October because it’s deer season. Next weekend he is working. But I guess there is still Sept 30th.

Actually, I have used the technique of starting projects myself. He usually helps me somewhere along the way. But, I honestly have no clue about how to hook up a Gas dryer. It doesn’t sound like something a clueless person should start.

Would he get angry? yeah. Of course.

The thing is, my husband grew up with a demanding mom. His way of handling her was this passive aggressive technique. He still uses it on her. I, on the other hand, grew up with an extremely accomodating (to his wife) father. So, it never occurred to me that someone would say “yes” and mean “probably never.”
So, if there was some sort of pattern to discern, I never saw it until several years after we were married.

It really makes me mad when he finally does do something that has been bugging me for years, and it takes like 20 minutes.

Maybe I should go to handyman school? If I could do these things myself, there were would a lot less stress in my daily life. :rolleyes:
 
Debbie said:
Leonie - you’ve got it! All in love and charity.

Move that dryer, get your pantry, and start squirrelling money away for the hookup.

Your husband is blessed to have you as his wife!

Good luck!
Debbie
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Thanks, Debbie, It is so nice to have a forum for talking these little things through. I would hate to discuss my husband with my friends in this way.

Of course, September isn’t over. Maybe he will do it. 🙂
 
bjj said:
You’ve given an ultimatum, now you MUST follow through otherwise he will not take you serious. You’ve been after him for 5 years and evidently he never took you seriously.

CALL YOUR FATHER, NOW!!!
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Yeah, I am wondering if I am a doormat. But, I’m wondering if it was appropriate to give the ultimatum in the first place.

If he has made it obvious that he isn’t willing to do stuff for me in house maintenance/improvement/repair, maybe I should not bother him with stuff and figure it out myself.
 
Maybe you could tell your husband that you talked with your father and he is available on a particular weekend to help your husband move the dryer? This would give your husband the opportunity to just move the dryer himself beforehand or to do it with your father and still save face. If your hubby says that he will get to it himself, then just say that dad will be coming over that weekend anyway in case he can’t get to it by then. The ball is squarely in your husband’s court at that point and he will choose if he abdicates the chore to your father, not you.
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I really like this idea. OK, with his work schedule and deer season, maybe it won’t happen this month or next. Maybe, on the 30th, you could acknowlege that he has been very busy and unable to do it this month and that since you know how important deer season is to him, your dad is available on (insert the weekend after deer season ends).

Other than that, I think your best option is to learn about it. Maybe you could get your dad to teach you. (“I really wanted to learn and he had the time to teach me.”) You could even show him what you learned!
 
stadre said:
I really like this idea. OK, with his work schedule and deer season, maybe it won’t happen this month or next. Maybe, on the 30th, you could acknowlege that he has been very busy and unable to do it this month and that since you know how important deer season is to him, your dad is available on (insert the weekend after deer season ends).

Other than that, I think your best option is to learn about it. Maybe you could get your dad to teach you. (“I really wanted to learn and he had the time to teach me.”) You could even show him what you learned!
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Good idea. I would love to know how to do all this repair stuff. I don’t have any knack for it, but I’m fairly intelligent.

Now, how to fit my training in between laundry loads…😃
 
leonie said:
Yeah, I am wondering if I am a doormat. But, I’m wondering if it was appropriate to give the ultimatum in the first place.

If he has made it obvious that he isn’t willing to do stuff for me in house maintenance/improvement/repair, maybe I should not bother him with stuff and figure it out myself.
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personally, from a guy prospective, I think you find it easy to give him excuses… now it is bow-hunting season that will “incapacitate” him for a month.

And he reads you like a book.

But the ^&(*@$ bow in the dryer and play “let’s make a deal”

smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/7/7_2_113.gif

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smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb112&pp=ZN
 
Have you tried negotiating with him?

Just ask him what you need to do to get it done. Offer a deal that he might like. Let him bow-hunt all season without complaint? Get a baby sitter?

Just tell him flat-out what you dilemna is. You need it done, yet you can’t do it yourself, but show that you’re willing to do something in return if he does it.
 
StephanieC said:
Is your main goal just to have the dryer where you want it?

Or are you trying to get the dryer where you want it, teach your husband a lesson, and “cure” his lifelong behavior pattern all in one fell swoop?

Think carefully…😉

My :twocents: is: hire someone to do it. Don’t announce that you’re going to do it, just quietly do it and humbly enjoy your new pantry space. You’d just make more work for yourself w/ a laundry strike, and the resentment and seething would build to volcanic proportions with any of the other options.

Asking your dad to do it, i.e., knowingly humiliating your husband, just seems awfully “stick it to him-ish”; & not constructive, imho.

Accept that this is one of his not-so-endearing quirks, and give thanks for his likely tolerance of yours.

If this does ultimately make him angry, then’s the time to sit down and have more of a heart to heart about how frustrating his procrastination is, and how much simpler it would be if he would realistically assess the likelihood of him completing a household job in the future. Assure him that you don’t equate his masculinity with his handiness!
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Excellent advice!!
 
Black_Jaque said:
Have you tried negotiating with him?

Just ask him what you need to do to get it done. Offer a deal that he might like. Let him bow-hunt all season without complaint?
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Without complaint?!?!?! Boy, that would be hard. I should probably do that anyway. Poor guy, he looks forward to it all year, and I suck the fun out it with my attitude.
Black_Jaque said:
Just tell him flat-out what you dilemna is. You need it done, yet you can’t do it yourself, but show that you’re willing to do something in return if he does it.
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Very reasonable and logical. Am I suppose to be logical? I didn’t know that. 😃 Just kidding. I guess maybe my emotions could be clouded my judgement.

Thanks for the advice.
 
You’ve got six kids and your hauling laundry up and downstairs all day! I’d quit doing HIS laundry until the dryer was moved. Let him do his own for a while and I bet it gets moved 😉
 
I should probably do that anyway.
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Not necessarily. Much of our love should be unconditional. However, as help-mates for each other I think it would be beneficial is husbands and wives simply negotiated. He has an annoying quirk of being a procrastinator (or worse, a liar), you tend to whine about his hobby. You negotiate a deal, and he turns into a better hubby, and you turn into a better wifey.
 
I don’t really know the answer to this. But, I’d say that asking your father to do it is the WRONG thing to do. The last thing a bride’s father should ever do for her is walk her down the aisle. To ask your father to do this would hurt your husband. Your husband’s sense of happiness and contentment is more important than the location of the dryer.

My husband doesn’t have a procastinating thing, but he does forget stuff a lot. It’s not that he’s stupid or doesn’t care. He honestly doesn’t think about things like I do. I can be getting all annoyed with him because he’s slumped on the sofa while I’m STILL working (when he comes home is the start of my second shift, ya know?) and he hasn’t remembered to take out the trash! Well, I’m trying to change. I don’t nag him any more. I can either quietly take the trash out when he’s not there (NOT taking it out in a snit in front of him) or I can ask him right then and there, “Honey, could you take out the trash for me, now?”

If I said to my husband, “Tomorow they come to pick up the trash. Could you get it out before you leave for work tomorow?” it probably won’t get done. He’ll keep watching TV - just to the end of his program - and then forget all about it. Meanwhile, a typical woman (like myself) will be fuming about how this all means he doesn’t care! I have to ask him to do it at the time I want it done. Now, if he says “I’ll do it after the news” then I can ask him again (not remind him - not bringing up that we’d discussed it before, but asking him again as if I’d never mentioned it an hour earlier.)

Then, when he does it, I make sure to thank him. He is doing me a favor! He likes to be appreciated and know that he’s made me happy.

Anyway, perhaps the thing to do is wait until he looks like he won’t be doing anything for a couple of hours and say, “Can we move the dryer downstairs, now?” If he says he can’t just then, wait until the next time he’s not doing anything, and ask him again as if you’d never asked before. Eventually, he should say “Sure!” Once he does this, thank him profusely.

Some people have noticed that men can be very generous helping neighbors and strangers, but neglect their own families. That’s because they get some emotional gratification from helping others that they don’t get from their own families. It’s heroic to help a neighbor fix a flat tire. It’s equally heroic to do things for his own family, and he should be made to feel it.
 
Katybird,

Your hubby sounds just like me. It’s not that I’m neglecting it, I seriously don’t remember the so many little things.

That must be exactly what’s going through her head, because I can’t tell you how many times I’m baffled at why she gets so snappy. Lately, I’ve been insisting that she ask again in a polite manner.
 
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