I've given an ultimatum-now what?

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Uncle_David said:
You’ve got six kids and your hauling laundry up and downstairs all day! I’d quit doing HIS laundry until the dryer was moved. Let him do his own for a while and I bet it gets moved 😉
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After asking him for FIVE years? Yes. I would have taken that action long ago. Sorry but I don’t understand:confused: a Husband that refuses to do something that would make his wife’s life easier. There must be a boatload of laundry with 8 :eek: people! That’s not very considerate in my opinion. I see he does make some time to bow hunt though:hmmm: Sorry, but situations like this drive me crazy.
 
Black_Jaque said:
Katybird,

Your hubby sounds just like me. It’s not that I’m neglecting it, I seriously don’t remember the so many little things.

That must be exactly what’s going through her head, because I can’t tell you how many times I’m baffled at why she gets so snappy. Lately, I’ve been insisting that she ask again in a polite manner.
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I have troubles with little details as well, try putting a small whiteboard up by the door where you’ll see it everyday. Then if stuff is written on there you have a reminder whithout the wife having to tell you again at all.
 
Lucania said:
After asking him for FIVE years? Yes. I would have taken that action long ago. Sorry but I don’t understand:confused: a Husband that refuses to do something that would make his wife’s life easier. There must be a boatload of laundry with 8 :eek: people! That’s not very considerate in my opinion. I see he does make some time to bow hunt though:hmmm: Sorry, but situations like this drive me crazy.
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Yeah, I think he probably doesn’t see how much it impacts my daily life.

Good thing he is cute!

I am sure much of the problem in this area is mine. I probably should be better at just handling domestic repairs–either by doing it myself or managing my money better so I can hire it out.

I’m sure he’s thinking: why can’t she handle life better? I often wonder myself.

I guess I’ll keep him.

But, it is good to be able to work through things on the forums. I think I often get in a rut mentally on stuff like this. And, I would rather not discuss complaints like this with my friends.
 
KCT said:
I think she would ask John, the beloved disciple, to help her out. --KCT
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Oh, I bet he would offer. 🙂

Maybe I’ll have a “talk” with St Joseph and St. John about this situation–and this marital dynamic we have fallen into!

I blame Adam and Eve. There was no laundry in the Garden of Eden!!
 
katybird said:
I don’t really know the answer to this. But, I’d say that asking your father to do it is the WRONG thing to do. The last thing a bride’s father should ever do for her is walk her down the aisle. To ask your father to do this would hurt your husband. Your husband’s sense of happiness and contentment is more important than the location of the dryer.

My husband doesn’t have a procastinating thing, but he does forget stuff a lot. It’s not that he’s stupid or doesn’t care. He honestly doesn’t think about things like I do. I can be getting all annoyed with him because he’s slumped on the sofa while I’m STILL working (when he comes home is the start of my second shift, ya know?) and he hasn’t remembered to take out the trash! Well, I’m trying to change. I don’t nag him any more. I can either quietly take the trash out when he’s not there (NOT taking it out in a snit in front of him) or I can ask him right then and there, “Honey, could you take out the trash for me, now?”

If I said to my husband, “Tomorow they come to pick up the trash. Could you get it out before you leave for work tomorow?” it probably won’t get done. He’ll keep watching TV - just to the end of his program - and then forget all about it. Meanwhile, a typical woman (like myself) will be fuming about how this all means he doesn’t care! I have to ask him to do it at the time I want it done. Now, if he says “I’ll do it after the news” then I can ask him again (not remind him - not bringing up that we’d discussed it before, but asking him again as if I’d never mentioned it an hour earlier.)

Then, when he does it, I make sure to thank him. He is doing me a favor! He likes to be appreciated and know that he’s made me happy.

Anyway, perhaps the thing to do is wait until he looks like he won’t be doing anything for a couple of hours and say, “Can we move the dryer downstairs, now?” If he says he can’t just then, wait until the next time he’s not doing anything, and ask him again as if you’d never asked before. Eventually, he should say “Sure!” Once he does this, thank him profusely.

Some people have noticed that men can be very generous helping neighbors and strangers, but neglect their own families. That’s because they get some emotional gratification from helping others that they don’t get from their own families. It’s heroic to help a neighbor fix a flat tire. It’s equally heroic to do things for his own family, and he should be made to feel it.
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I agree that I should be more grateful and appreciative. But, I tell you I have asked him sweetly many times.

I probably have reached my “can’t stand it anymore” point at a bad time. He’s been working alot and is very tired when he gets home.

I don’t think he is going to change in regard to household repair, so I think I better just change.

Thanks for the reminder to be nicer and more appreciative of my husband. 🙂
 
Leonie:

Call your dad and call it a day. Really, life is too short for you to drag laundry up and down a flight of stairs and too short to ask your husband to do what you’ve requested for years. Obviously, he isn’t able to help. For whatever reason. Thank God your father is there to help you. I don’t believe that the last thing a parent should do for their adult child is attend their wedding. Good parents are their for the long run. Although your husband might be hurt at first, he will be relieved by the fact that this job is done, and that you are happier since you aren’t toting laundry needlessly.

By giving him an ultimatum of sorts you have made the decision to get this done. Follow through, not to hurt your husband, but to take care of yourself. Those little kids clothes only get bigger and heavier. Save yourself the undue work and stress and just call your dad. Don’t invent excuses, rationalizations, or try to ask yourself what So-and-So would have done. You need a pantry because those little kids will become bigger kids who will need more food, thus, storage space rightly becomes a priority. Don’t apologize for what you need, just do it and be loving towards your husband, even though he is not respectful your needs. That is a separate issue that needs lots of prayer and talking. Just move your dryer and be done with it in the next 10 days.
 
leonie said:
Oh, I bet he would offer. 🙂

Maybe I’ll have a “talk” with St Joseph and St. John about this situation–and this marital dynamic we have fallen into
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It is tough to break patterns, isn’t it? It’s like a dance and you keep using the same steps. Maybe it’s time to do a new dance?
—KCT
 
Here’s my two cents for what it’s worth.

My husband has always been a procrastinator when it came to home repairs/improvements too. So many times he would go to Home Depot, but all the stuff that he needed to do a job, and then just leave it in the bag, never doing the project. Every time we moved there would be several of these bags in the garage.

Well, now that we are getting a divorce there is something I have finally figured out, and that is that I can do these things. I always pretty much left it to him, which meant that they never got done. In the last couple of months I have replaced all of the doorknobs and locks in the house, snaked a clogged toilet, and drilled into the studs on the wall to put straps on the tall bookcases to prevent the boys from tipping them over. I would have always assumed that I wouldn’t be able to do these things on my own, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I can do them.

I think there are two possible outcomes if you go ahead and try to do it yourself. One is that you will do it, your husband will see that you can do it, and might be more willing to help out in the future so that you won’t develop an “I don’t really need him anyhow” attitude. The other possibility is that you will try it, fail miserably, he will be amused, take pity on you, finish what you started, and you can give him your unreserved appreciation. Either way, you are shaking up the status quo which is exactly what is called for in this situation.
 
dulcissima said:
The other possibility is that you will try it, fail miserably, he will be amused, take pity on you, finish what you started, .
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That is excellent advice, but for the fact that if she fails miserably putting in a gas dryer, she could blow up the house.
Or maybe I’m wrong, but that’s what would stop me. I try many house repairs, but avoid electrician’s work.

I vote for letting him know that you’ll call Dad on a certain date, if he hasn’t found time to do it by then.
 
I may have missed something along the way but why not just move the washing machine yourself? It’s not a good idea to give a husband an ultimatum. Our husbands are not our son’s or slaves and treating them that way leads to nothing but trouble. Or you could just keep on dragging the laundry up and down. It’s good excercise and at least you DO have a washing machine. A lot of us still have to gather up every thing and go to the laundramat every week and there are plenty of women who find themselves doing the laundry in the tub and hanging it on the line to dry.
 
dympnha said:
I may have missed something along the way but why not just move the washing machine yourself? It’s not a good idea to give a husband an ultimatum. Our husbands are not our son’s or slaves and treating them that way leads to nothing but trouble. Or you could just keep on dragging the laundry up and down. It’s good excercise and at least you DO have a washing machine. A lot of us still have to gather up every thing and go to the laundramat every week and there are plenty of women who find themselves doing the laundry in the tub and hanging it on the line to dry.
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Of course, you are right about ultimatums, I was just feeling sort of frustrated and desperate.

The laundry situation is going to have to change though. I’m feeling pretty strung out with my workload. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are better, more efficient housekeepers, but I am what I am.

I am tired, worn out, and stressed to the point of collapse. If I don’t get some help soon, the dh is not going to have to worry about dryers, he’s going to be busy visiting me in the stress center.

If I didn’t have a leaky pipe in the basement, a broken down van, a house that has desperately needed exterior repairs for eight years now, two bushes I have begged him to pull out (a five year seasonal request), a light fixture hanging down from a ceiling, two broken lazy susans, a cabinet missing a door, a basement workshop (his) that is an utter wreck, a broken basement window (6 years), down to two non-torn window screens, a dining room floor that needs to be refinished (gives splinters), various trim that is fallen off…and more minor stuff like cracks and dents…

maybe the dryer situation would be more bearable. Not to mention that I’m in an old three bedroom house with six kids–that he refuses to move from because he doesn’t want to live in a neighborhood.

So, if a dryer moved to the basement would make my daily load a little lighter, can I be a little whiney about it?

sorry, bad day. 😦
 
Don’t worry, Leonie. Your complaints are valid concerns. Having a house in disrepair is awful. I also lived in a small three bedroom house with six kids/no basement/homeschooling. It places a lot of stress on the wife because you have to keep everything together or the house really looks trashy fast. These sorts of maintenance tasks aren’t your husbands "thing’ and he will not do them as a result. I think most of us can understand that people tend to avoid things they don’t like or aren’t very good at doing. Posters telling you to ask yourself what the Blessed Mother would do? Let your husband ask what St. Joseph would do: Mary wouldn’t have to ask twice.

However, if your father is truly happy to help, then ask him. Your dad is your Godsend. I’d have your father out to help when your husband is at work. Whether some women have at-home laundry facilities, must go to a laundry mat, use the nearest river to wash their clothes or have maids that do their laundry is irrelevant to the problems you face in your home trying to carry out your responsibilites. You need your situation to change. It is entirely possible to completely love your husband and ask your father to do this for you. You must show your husband that you love him and think nothing less of him, and express gratitude that your father is willing to help his lighten his daughter’s workload. That makes for a more loving wife and a happier marriage. I just don’t understand why this would be an issue. Just have your dad move that dryer. And if he offers to pay for the gas hook-up, let him pay for it too.
 
Thanks, Cup of Kindness! Sometimes, discouragement just hits hard. I appreciate your encouragement. It brings tears to my eyes. God bless you.
 
Leonie, I was thinking about this thing I used to do in college. I can’t remember what it was called, but it was always in October. TONS of college kids would get together through the Catholic center and break out into groups and go into the community to pre-arranged homes and help out with household repairs. It was advertised through Church bulletins, etc and a variety of people would call for various help, from the elderly to moms like you with six kids and not enough time!

I wonder if you could call a Catholic Newman center near you and ask if there are any kids wanting to volunteer, OR some high school students at a Catholic high school that need service hours. Some of what you listed could be easily done if there were several people to knock it out in one day. If you could supply the materials, I’m sure there are people who could help. You might offer them a lunch or something like that to thank them but we would do this every October and May for free during my college years. It was fun.

Oh, or maybe a Key Club or Kiwanis Club–they are both service oriented.

Just an idea, I know it’s a little out there.
 
I like Princess Abby’s suggestons. Try that and see what happens. I have lived in various stages of repairs in several houses. I understand your frutstrations. I want to tell you about a neighbor lady of mine that had six children. Her husband was like yours- a good guy but not a handy man and he was a procrastinator.

She loved to work on her house and have things nice and of course she was usually pregnant and very busy herself. She decided to learn all about house repairs. She asked neighbors, watched TV fix r up it shows and she asked questions of the old salespeople at hardware stores.

I was in awe when she told me that she had hooked up her new dishwasher herself and that it was not that hard. Of course she had to read and learn. Yet over time she became a great handywomen. She even asked for new drills for mother’s day!

The moral of my story is that there is more than one way to solve this. Your husband is who he is. He may have learned his bad habits from his dad. However, if you can get the ball rolling with the help of others then you can take him out of the equation on household jobs.

Maybe over time your husband will see your involvelment and join in. As for my own situation, I have learned to do many household projects and I always consider if I can do it alone or if I need his help. It means staying up after kids get to sleep, maybe painting at night or whatever. However, when I finish a project I am very proud of myself. Start with that basement window. Measure it, then ask at the hardware store what you need to do. Do one project a month and you will surprise yourself, the house will come together.

I would not follow through on ulitmatems. Those can be said in anger. Also I would ask for St. Joseph’s guidance since he is that patron saint of workers. I will say a prayer for some harmony in your household matters. God bless.
 
First, go on a Laundry Strike If that doesn’t work…

Second, threaten to have your father move the dryer. if that doesn’t work…

Third, have someone else to it and charge it.

If he doesn’t do it himself, sit him down and get him to talk about what is bothering him.
 
Hi Leonie,

First, let me say that I think you have the patience of a saint (truly!). After five years, you’re still patient enough to discuss your problem here (with warmth & a sense of humor, despite everything), and think matters through, rather than embarking on a course of action that you believe will hurt your husband’s pride. I hope he realizes what a lucky man he is!

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.

My mother is a woman much like you seem to be. Throughout her marriage, she was ultra-considerate of my father’s feelings, even when he wasn’t of hers. Here’s an extreme example from her life:

In the early years of my parents’ marriage, a part broke on their vacuum cleaner (don’t ask me which part, I’m not handy around the house either 😉 ) At any rate, this broken part meant that the vaccum couldn’t be used in the upright position … the only way my mother could vacuum was by going on her hands & knees and using the hose attachment all over the house (I’m really not kidding about this).

She begged my father to buy her a new vacuum, and he kept putting her off, saying they “couldn’t afford it” (they really could, but it was a control issue). So, weeks, and months passed, and she’s still vacuuming on hands & knees. Finally, even her incredible patience came to an end, and she ordered a new vacuum without telling my father about it. But it breaks my heart to think of her crawling around the house on her hands and knees because of my father’s complete disregard for her as a wife, and as a human being.

My mother now realizes (she’s told me this) that she was a doormat throughout their marriage, causing much suffering to herself, and to her children, who witnessed years of this kind of shameful treatment.

Leonie, you seem like a wonderful person. You, like my mother, don’t deserve the disrespectful treatment that you’re receiving … you obviously work hard taking care of your family, and there’s no reason that your task should be made more difficult by needlessly carrying heavy loads of laundry up & down the stairs every day. Not only for yourself, but please remember that your children are witnessing this situation … even if they don’t say anything or react openly, they still see and learn. Your marriage is the “model” that they’re going to carry into adulthood when they begin to look for their own marriage partners. Would you want a daughter of yours to be treated this way by her husband? If not, please don’t show her by your actions that this is “normal” behavior … because actions speak a thousand times louder than words. Believe me. Even though I knew the way my father treated my mother was wrong (and even stood up for her on several occasions when I just couldn’t stand it anymore), I still ended up in a similar relationship as an adult … because even though I knew the behavior was wrong on an intellectual level, on an emotional level it felt “normal” … it felt like home. I am eternally thankful to God for delivering me from that situation before I married the guy.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh … I just wanted to bring up this aspect of the situation, having lived through it, and seen this pattern in the lives of others, as well. Please be kind to yourself and your children, and have this taken care of somehow, even if it means that your husband’s feelings are hurt. You’ve given him AMPLE opportunity already. Someone made an excellent suggestion about saying “my father is going to help you on (specific date)” and then follow through on that date, with your husband’s participation or without.

I will be praying for you and your family. May God bless you all, and bring peace and and a good outcome for everyone involved.

(And I think the suggestion to ask St Joseph to intercede is a wonderful one, too!)
 
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