I've given an ultimatum-now what?

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Morwenna:

Your mother’s story paints such a poignant picture of a woman who tried to be a good wife, but lost herself in the process. I think that you have so much to offer any homemaker with that image of your poor mother vacuuming for months on her hands and knees.

Leonie:

Perhaps you should say: *Dear Husband, my father is coming over Saturday afternoon to help us move the dryer downstairs." You aren’t asking permission, you aren’t demeaning him, but you are putting him on notice that this is happening in five days. Plenty of time for him to move it himself (but I really do think it’s best to have to able-bodied workers, those dryers are light but really bulky to carry down a flight of stairs). Stay sweet and upbeat, say it with a kind voice and non-judgemental attitude. Don’t mention that you’ve been asking him for years. That 's history at this point. Don’t over analyze your husband on this issue, procrastinators are complicated people, and very often they don’t even understand themselves.Tell your husband that you are grateful your father can help, and as a result you can help him get ready for hunting season all the more efficiently. I pray for the day in your marriage that you and your husband can laugh about this stressful time in your lives! It’s not easy to raise a large family!

Any change takes baby steps. Your baby step is realizing that you do have help around and that you should utilize it rather than harbor negative feelings, even though it may not be the most traditional or easiest way to get help with household jobs. Your husband’s baby step is the realization that you mean what you say when you get pushed to the point where you need to give ultimatums in order to accomplish something. Every marriage has limits. And that he may be facing his father-in-law more often around the house. On a happy note, now that the pressure might be off of him, perhaps he will be more open to helping in the future.

So tell me, what will your new pantry look like? Will you buy shelving or stack cinder blocks and plywood, or just stack boxes of stuff? The footprint of a dryer, at least 2’ by 2’, will give you lots and lots of storage space. Perfect for stocking up on food. That’s so fun!
 
leonie,
I’ve been “lurking” in this thread for a bit now. I feel your pain. My husband, God love him, can be a bit of a proscratinator. He is incredibly busy right now, so I try not to nag. We have had a lot of financial difficulties, so it is just not as easy as “hiring someone” to do it. Sometimes, I look at all the things that need repaired, the old cars/appliances that need to be removed, etc. and I just want to cry. It’s almost like despair. I can’t hire anyone, I can’t do it myself, and my husband can’t/won’t do it. Lately, I’ve been putting aside a little money here and there (I work parttime), and am planning a few minor repair jobs.
I try to think of all the good things about hubby. He’s a good dad, he works hard to support us, he’s very involved with Church, etc. Yet, THIS HOUSE:eek: I have also been a little more proactive in some of the things I can do myself. It’s difficult with the kids and the job, but even a little touch up paint here or there does wonders for my mood. Try cleaning out a closet or straightening drawers. How about throwing away a bunch of old/broken stuff of the kids? It really helps me feel more in control of the situation.
About your dryer—why not just quietly have your dad over, and move the dryer. Tell hubby when comes home from work(in a sort of off hand, nonchalant way), “Hi Dear. Dad came over today, and helped me move that doggone dryer downstairs.” Give him a kiss, ask him how his day was. End of story.
I hope this works out for you. You’re not being selfish. You spend most of your time at home. It’s not easy to live in a home that is in disrepair. It can really bring you down.
 
Leonie,

In my earlier post, I forgot to mention a practical consideration: please make certain that whomever is going to be moving the dryer knows what they’re doing.

I’m not sure whether your dryer is propane or natural gas. Propane is heavier than air, and thus leaked propane “pools” invisibly on the floor. If this invisible “pool” of propane is ignited in some way (by a spark from an electrical appliance, from the telephone ringing, etc), it can cause a world of trouble, as you can imagine.

Natural gas is not heavier than air, so it mixes with the air in your home, meaning there is (somewhat) less risk, but it still shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Just a little safety tip from someone who worked at a utility company 🙂

Please keep us posted on the outcome; I know that many of us are praying for you and your family! 🙂
 
Is the dryer still not moved? Good grief! Saying “or else” is not an ultimatum.
Just put it in writing. Grab a post-it and write “Sweetie-please move the dryer downstairs tonight. If you don’t have time or don’t want to, I’ll have Dad come do it later in the week.”
If it’s not done by tomorrow, call Dad.

Then make him a TO DO list and write down all the things you need him to do. Post it in a prominent place. Maybe he just keeps forgetting. 😉
 
I am so touched by the kind attention so many have given this pretty minor (well, not to me) matter. Thanks so much.

I did tell him he had all of the September, so I haven’t made any moves yet. But, he hasn’t done anything yet. I’ve been trying to catch up on laundry–it really seems impossible–I have at least ten loads piled up right now.

I’ll let you know what happens. 🙂
 
Cupofkindness said:
Leonie:

So tell me, what will your new pantry look like? Will you buy shelving or stack cinder blocks and plywood, or just stack boxes of stuff? The footprint of a dryer, at least 2’ by 2’, will give you lots and lots of storage space. Perfect for stocking up on food. That’s so fun!
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Well, It’ll be anything I can do myself!! 😃
 
Morwenna said:
Hi Leonie,

First, let me say that I think you have the patience of a saint (truly!). After five years, you’re still patient enough to discuss your problem here (with warmth & a sense of humor, despite everything), and think matters through, rather than embarking on a course of action that you believe will hurt your husband’s pride. I hope he realizes what a lucky man he is!

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.

My mother is a woman much like you seem to be. Throughout her marriage, she was ultra-considerate of my father’s feelings, even when he wasn’t of hers. Here’s an extreme example from her life:

In the early years of my parents’ marriage, a part broke on their vacuum cleaner (don’t ask me which part, I’m not handy around the house either 😉 ) At any rate, this broken part meant that the vaccum couldn’t be used in the upright position … the only way my mother could vacuum was by going on her hands & knees and using the hose attachment all over the house (I’m really not kidding about this).

She begged my father to buy her a new vacuum, and he kept putting her off, saying they “couldn’t afford it” (they really could, but it was a control issue). So, weeks, and months passed, and she’s still vacuuming on hands & knees. Finally, even her incredible patience came to an end, and she ordered a new vacuum without telling my father about it. But it breaks my heart to think of her crawling around the house on her hands and knees because of my father’s complete disregard for her as a wife, and as a human being.

My mother now realizes (she’s told me this) that she was a doormat throughout their marriage, causing much suffering to herself, and to her children, who witnessed years of this kind of shameful treatment.

Leonie, you seem like a wonderful person. You, like my mother, don’t deserve the disrespectful treatment that you’re receiving … you obviously work hard taking care of your family, and there’s no reason that your task should be made more difficult by needlessly carrying heavy loads of laundry up & down the stairs every day. Not only for yourself, but please remember that your children are witnessing this situation … even if they don’t say anything or react openly, they still see and learn. Your marriage is the “model” that they’re going to carry into adulthood when they begin to look for their own marriage partners. Would you want a daughter of yours to be treated this way by her husband? If not, please don’t show her by your actions that this is “normal” behavior … because actions speak a thousand times louder than words. Believe me. Even though I knew the way my father treated my mother was wrong (and even stood up for her on several occasions when I just couldn’t stand it anymore), I still ended up in a similar relationship as an adult … because even though I knew the behavior was wrong on an intellectual level, on an emotional level it felt “normal” … it felt like home. I am eternally thankful to God for delivering me from that situation before I married the guy.

I will be praying for you and your family. May God bless you all, and bring peace and and a good outcome for everyone involved.

(And I think the suggestion to ask St Joseph to intercede is a wonderful one, too!)
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oops. I just spent three weeks vacuuming on my hands and knees. I couldn’t believe it when I read your post. Thankfully, my vacuum broke completely two days ago and I went out and bought a new one.

I guess I am a doormat. :rolleyes:

But, my dh is very sweet to me in general–he just doesn’t seem to get that housework is so draining. I try to tell him that he would work with broken tools or low quality tools (he is a skilled worker), but somehow he doesn’t see the connection.

okay, okay. I guess I need to develop a backbone.
 
I’m not sure this is good advice but I’d either A) round up the kids and do it myself (I have 6 kids and I put them to work quite often) B) get my dad to do it and if my husband had a problem with it, I’d just tell him the dryer fairy came and keep him wondering C) You could always try putting it in an obnoxious spot and building your pantry but I’d die without a dryer. I probably wouldn’t hire anyone to do it if the bills were stacking up. Alot of times when I need something done around here, it simply takes me starting the project. We talked about putting in pergo and when the carpets just got ridiculously stained my daughters and I ripped them out leaving the concrete. That got us moving. House needs painting? Give the older kids some brushes and paint one side at a time (probably won’t work if you’ve got a two story!)
 
The picture you paint is a husband who is a slug.

Bow hunting??? There is time and $$$$$ for bow hunting but not for THE ONE PROJECT YOU CARE ABOUT? And bow hunting last year. And in '04, '03, '02…

What is the bow hunting budget? I bet its plenty enough to pay someone to move the dryer. And I don’t want to hear about all that money you “save” on groceries because of the meat!

Tell him you feel that his inattention to your request is unbecoming of a husband and you don’t think its fair that he has no time to do this project but he has unlimited hours to spend in a tree in the woods. Because that’s what he is going to do. Sit in a tree after work. Sit in a tree on weekends. Sit in a tree before work. Take a day off and sit in a tree.

Yes, he has half a day to do the job. He doesn’t do it because he is a selfish pig. Stop apologizing and rationalizing for him. I can only imagine how many other ways he takes advantage of you.

Sorry for being so strong. I think you need a wake up call.
 
Nurse Joy:

Calling Leonie’s husband a “slug” seems a bit harsh. We don’t know anything about the dynamics of this marriage or the husband’s perspective. We don’t even know Leonie’s whole view of her husband, what is undeniable is that she is very devoted to her family.

Every man isn’t born with an ability to develop a sixth sense when it comes to his wife and family’s needs. Some guys just need their spouse to be very, very straightforward in order to get their needs met. It isn’t always easy, but everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Giving the OP’s husband the benefit of charity is what is called for on this thread, not agitating an already demanding situation.
 
I was thinking about it at work today. I shouldn’t have called him a slug.

He is merely exhibiting slug-like behavior on this particular matter, based on what little info is in the dialog. Note the laundy list on Sept 24. I have seen so many relationships that are all about the man and what the man wants it makes my gut-deep “slug alarm” go off.

We are dealing with a gas dryer. It may be that there is no gas piping (not to mention venting) in the basement where OP wants it to go. In that case this would be a significant pumbing project that is out of the capability of the average do-it-yourselfer. It could be that the man is too proud to say the project is too hard and professional help is required, so nothing gets done.

I’m a firm believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt and setting them up to succeed (especially a spouse!!!).

I’ve also been in situations where I was called in as a “volunteer handy expert” when the man wasn’t getting the job done. This is a horrible situation for all involved. Don’t call dad!!

Anyway, I remember calling a plumber years ago to get a free quote for the cost of the project of adding pipes for a gas dryer where an electric one was. I can’t remember the number, but it was in the range of HOLY COW! This was quite motivating for us to do the job ourselves.

So how to make lemonade out of this one… Get the quote from a plumber. Either put it in the budget or set a schedule for DIY. I stan by my point that if there is time & money for individual recreation (bow hunting) in a family with SIX kids, there is absolutely time & money to get this done.
 
KCT said:
“I’d like the dryer downstairs near the washer. Could you please move it down by the end of the month? If you can’t or don’t want to, I’ll hire someone to move it and hook it up.”

A week before the end of the month, “Honey, I still want the dryer downstairs. I’ve started looking for someone to hire if you’re not able to do it.” At the end of the week, make the call. —KCT
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I vote for this one, but get an estimate of the cost, and get DH to give you the money. That would drive home the idea of what the cost is involved.

You have a right to get this problem solved. But, as puzzle A says, you may have a deeper problem, we here don’t know.

Don’t go ahead until you have the money. Any money he gives you should go for this before anything else. If necessary and possible, get a part-time job to pay for this.
 
ACK! Maybe you missed post #54.

If I didn’t have a leaky pipe in the basement, a broken down van, a house that has desperately needed exterior repairs for eight years now, two bushes I have begged him to pull out (a five year seasonal request), a light fixture hanging down from a ceiling, two broken lazy susans, a cabinet missing a door, a basement workshop (his) that is an utter wreck, a broken basement window (6 years), down to two non-torn window screens, a dining room floor that needs to be refinished (gives splinters), various trim that is fallen off…and more minor stuff like cracks and dents…

Even selfish pigs should be set up to succeed. Then with some luck they can become regular pigs and hopefully some day husbands.
 
Nurse Joy:

Your last line was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. And you’re right. We need to create a setting that’s geared for success. But it’s human nature to ignore those inner voices that suggest to do things differently-the right way, which is time consuming-and fall into the quick and easy solution that only makes matters worse in the long run.

And everything is so much more demanding with a lot of little ones and not a lot of money. So it gets hard to discern, say, when to ask a tired husband to repair something, versus just living with it.

I guess this is where the communications thing comes in. And even finding time to talk is a challenge.

Leonie, maybe your father could take all six kids out for a picnic and an extended visit to a park (and make that park an hour drive away!) so that you and your dear husband can talk.
 
Most “Handyman” outfits will either:
Quote a flat rate for a job, plus parts.
Charge by the hour, usually with a 2-hour minimum.

Moving a dryer downstairs isn’t a “one-woman” job… it’s not a “one-man” job, and I’m just talking about physically getting it down there! Two person job minimum!

To safely get the machine down there, and to avoid holes in the stairwell or damage to the dryer you’ll need to rent/borrow an appliance dolly. It’s a two-wheel hand truck with a big strap that wraps around the item being moved. It’s also got special rollers on the back to “bump/slide” down stair steps.

2nd, the gas hookup. If the machine is going near the washer & slop sink, you may already have a gas “drop” in the area. Building Codes in my area require both a 220V outlet, and a gas supply drop where a dryer would logically be placed. If there is no gas supply STOP. This is a job for the pro’s.

3rd, the exhaust vent. You’ll need to bore a 3" to 4" hole through the rim joist & outer siding to duct the dryer exhaust out of the house. Then a critter-proof vent on the outside of the house, and duct piping to the dryer. Regardless of who does the job, DO NOT use the “flexible duct” cr*p (metal or plastic) that’s in the home centers! This stuff will trap lint in the corragations and a “stove-pipe” fire is a very real possibility. It should be done with smooth metal ducting and elbows.

4th, electrical supply. A gas dryer will still need electricity… to run the timer mechanism and the tumbler motor. Is there a 120V outlet near the dryer location, and NOT the same one the washer is plugged into? (Plugging both machines into the same circuit may cause an overload). Usually the washer and dryer require separate circuits.

Someone mentioned “oh WOW” at the price of getting this job done. Now you know why - it’s a lot more work than just getting the machine down the stairs. :eek:
 
Hey guys, my poor husband is a great guy. He just really hates home projects. Sometimes I get really frustrated. It’s nice I can come here and complain instead of going to my friends (who are his friends, too).

He is a millwright/rigger which means he does this sort of work all day long except with 10,000-80,000 lb machines. I know when he comes home, he just wants to relax.

I’m sorry about sharing my laundry list of repairs. We live in an old house with some wild kids and not a whole lot of time and money to attend to it. We definitely have different criteria.

I bet 75% of wives are frustrated with their husbands for not taking care of some problem in the house or yard or with the vehicles. And, I bet 75% of husbands wish their wives would forget about that pain in the neck job that they don’t think is important.

My guy is just a little more headstrong on the “rather not do any house projects” spectrum.

Anyway. Tomorrow is the last day of September and it looks like he will be busy fixing the van which broke down on Thursday. So, my silly ultimatium failed. It was pretty stupid anyway.

Here’s my plan. I’m going to get all my laundry caught up. Then, I’m going to move the dryer downstairs. Then, I’m going to hang laundry ( I hang about 50% of our laundry anyway). And, then I’m going over to Lowe’s to find some shelving to build my pantry!!!

I sorta checked with my dad anyway on his availability and he is really busy painting houses for the poor and fixing up a room at a retreat house. So, I’d rather not bother him.

So, I’m a wimp. 😛
 
leonie,
Hey, I just noticed you live in the Midwest…not sure where, but if you’re close by, maybe I can help you move the dryer?😃 Actually, I’m serious!

Hope you get that pantry done. Won’t you feel better if you do!
 
Giannawannabe said:
leonie,
Hey, I just noticed you live in the Midwest…not sure where, but if you’re close by, maybe I can help you move the dryer?😃 Actually, I’m serious!

Hope you get that pantry done. Won’t you feel better if you do!
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Thanks Giannawannabe, I’ll have a lot of time to stay home and do it since my van is broken down. I just went the Grocery store today and I still have some groceries on the counters looking for a home.

I’ve decided to transfer my resentment to Adam and Eve. It seems like everything in my life is breaking down. Errrr…stupid original sin. :mad:
 
Broken down van? You poor thing! I have started praying for my dh, that his heart is softened toward some of things that I find important at home. To be fair, he comes from an extremely low-income background. His childhood home was a wreck with no floorboards on the 2nd story, bats flying around, half-finished projects everywhere. Compared to that, our house is beautiful (to him:) ). He just can’t understand what I get so upset about. Even though I work, I do spend much more time at home. It upsets me and makes me feel yucky to work around a house that is in disrepair. Maybe you could pray for this for your dh, too. I hope you get that van fixed. With 6 kids, you need it!
 
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